Toltecsuperhero
Bluelighter
It doesn't feel like home and I'm not sure it ever did...
The "quiet" hum of the streets and the warmth of this Florida night under the dull moon wrap themselves around me like the smoke curling from the last cigarette of the night. I will probably look back on this time as a beginning of sorts, however it's beginning to feel like a seriously dead end.
I am learning how to be vulnerable in person... that is, I'm starting to understand that I can't be just the parts of myself that I like and leave the cold and hurt parts out like empty glass bottles for milkmen that have passed into retirement and death. I have to be willing to feel the emotions that I've compressed into the slowly forming tumor that I'll inevitably name Marla, or I may just find that Marla has gotten to have a lot of roommates...
This... the way that I've been... it's not a way to live, it's just a way to survive and I am finally learning that survival is just not enough any more. I want to live, I want to share myself with the big bad world and have it share with me in return. I want the moment to kiss me as it passes, and leave undeniable proof in the form of a smeared set of lip-prints in its wake.
Letting people in is proving to be even harder than I had imagined. It's become rote, the way I just lock away the ugly or uninspiring parts of me whenever I meet someone. And it's not for their benefit I do these things... I'm not trying to save anyone from me, quite the opposite. If I let someone in and they see the things that I have kept hidden- the anger, the resentment, the pain- they might not think of me in the same way, and that, I desperately need.
I've come to realize that it has indeed become a need to have people view me as some sort of terribly wasted potential- whether I'm wasted or sober- and to have them encourage me. I have become a master at evoking sympathetic urges to help. I want people to want to save me... and as much as I claim to be a self-sufficient man, I need them to pity me as much as they seem to need to do it.
Sad. I know. Not the best way to interact with people, and definitely not a way to garner healthy relationships. So, I'm trying to change that. Instead of revealing just a hint of my anguish and malice, I let it all ride the wave to the surface and people can decide to feel however they want to feel. I am trying to let go of my need to influence how people see me, but this addiction is very near and dear to me and I am not assured of success.
I started to say never, but never is too big a promise for someone who has grown so unsure. The really weird thing is that it feels good to have someone see me for who I am, not for who I seem to be, for a change. It feels nice that I don't have to hide anymore... but the nagging and insistent voice of my need still sings out to me. It says they won't understand, and maybe they won't, but if I don't let them at least try I'll be alone forever and that... I cannot bear.
So I'm going to let things out from now on that I would normally hold in. I'm going to be myself instead of my shadow. And if that upsets some people that's okay. And if that upsets me that's okay. At least I won't be alone in here anymore... I just can't stand being the man behind the walls anymore.
I give up. You can all have me... all of me. But I won't pretend that I don't come with a price anymore. I won't pretend anymore. I won't be alone anymore.
And goddamn it! This is not a resolution!
The "quiet" hum of the streets and the warmth of this Florida night under the dull moon wrap themselves around me like the smoke curling from the last cigarette of the night. I will probably look back on this time as a beginning of sorts, however it's beginning to feel like a seriously dead end.
I am learning how to be vulnerable in person... that is, I'm starting to understand that I can't be just the parts of myself that I like and leave the cold and hurt parts out like empty glass bottles for milkmen that have passed into retirement and death. I have to be willing to feel the emotions that I've compressed into the slowly forming tumor that I'll inevitably name Marla, or I may just find that Marla has gotten to have a lot of roommates...
This... the way that I've been... it's not a way to live, it's just a way to survive and I am finally learning that survival is just not enough any more. I want to live, I want to share myself with the big bad world and have it share with me in return. I want the moment to kiss me as it passes, and leave undeniable proof in the form of a smeared set of lip-prints in its wake.
Letting people in is proving to be even harder than I had imagined. It's become rote, the way I just lock away the ugly or uninspiring parts of me whenever I meet someone. And it's not for their benefit I do these things... I'm not trying to save anyone from me, quite the opposite. If I let someone in and they see the things that I have kept hidden- the anger, the resentment, the pain- they might not think of me in the same way, and that, I desperately need.
I've come to realize that it has indeed become a need to have people view me as some sort of terribly wasted potential- whether I'm wasted or sober- and to have them encourage me. I have become a master at evoking sympathetic urges to help. I want people to want to save me... and as much as I claim to be a self-sufficient man, I need them to pity me as much as they seem to need to do it.
Sad. I know. Not the best way to interact with people, and definitely not a way to garner healthy relationships. So, I'm trying to change that. Instead of revealing just a hint of my anguish and malice, I let it all ride the wave to the surface and people can decide to feel however they want to feel. I am trying to let go of my need to influence how people see me, but this addiction is very near and dear to me and I am not assured of success.
I started to say never, but never is too big a promise for someone who has grown so unsure. The really weird thing is that it feels good to have someone see me for who I am, not for who I seem to be, for a change. It feels nice that I don't have to hide anymore... but the nagging and insistent voice of my need still sings out to me. It says they won't understand, and maybe they won't, but if I don't let them at least try I'll be alone forever and that... I cannot bear.
So I'm going to let things out from now on that I would normally hold in. I'm going to be myself instead of my shadow. And if that upsets some people that's okay. And if that upsets me that's okay. At least I won't be alone in here anymore... I just can't stand being the man behind the walls anymore.
I give up. You can all have me... all of me. But I won't pretend that I don't come with a price anymore. I won't pretend anymore. I won't be alone anymore.
And goddamn it! This is not a resolution!
