This is my life now.

[TinaIsMyHomegirl]

I?m 25, I live with my mom and stepdad. I have a son who lives with his mom he?s 16 months old and I love him with all my heart. My girlfriend just left me. She moved out and we agreed to work on things. That was my chance to use I said and I took it. I?ve Been to rehab twice last time was a year ago I?m october. I wasn?t sober though I dabbled with stuff here and there but after I slammed meth again it took control of me again. I have a problem I need to stop I?m on probation but I just cant. It makes me feel like the person I should be. I?m so sad and depressed I see my po Tuesday I know I?m going to fail yet that still isn?t enough for me to stop. I can?t admit to myself that I need tl go to rehab, this is the first time In my life I ever thought about suicide. These last two weeks I?ve barely slept or ate. My sons mother won?t let me get my son by myself it drove with him in the car anymore. I?ve been completely honest with her because she?s been through this with me. Also I want what?s best for him. I?m slowly losing my mind and drowning in a sea of depression and hate for myself. I honestly don?t k ow what to do I?ve tried to go to a psychiatrist and they told me it?s a four month wait to see one. I see my counselor once a week, yet o still feel hopeless. I?ve never been so stuck and dependent on something before and it?s freaking me out actually. I know I?m getting locked up for three months for a violation and that?s making me use even more but that?s making things worse. I?m tired of disappointing and hurting the people who do care about me. It?s sucb a shameful feeling, yet there I am with a needle in my arm at night ignoring the fact that I?m slowly killing mysel. I hate being a addict I wouldn?t wish this on anyone no one should have to deal with the emotional baggage it brings. People day ?don?t do drugs? if it was that easy people wouldn?t be addicted I hate that saying they don?t care or understand or even try to understand then toll it?s taking on us. Hearing I?m weak and pathetic hits so hard I?m now weak I?m fucking sick and need help, you wouldn?t say that to someone with cancer so don?t day that shit to me. Right now I see no way out and it?s going to end three ways. I go to rehab, I get locked up, or I die.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

Hi TinaIsMyHomegirl, welcome to bluelight.

Youre standing in a crossroads I was in just over 40 years ago, and I can tell you this; you can quit if you want, but it will be hard. You realizing where you are in your life and the consequences of your actions is the very first step.

If you want, you can check out the Sober Living and The Dark Side sub forums, which are very good resources for some support if that's what you are looking for. Plenty of folks who are just like you and going through what you are. No judgement or games, just peer discussions and good resources. I wish you the best, whichever path you choose in life.

W R

 

[TinaIsMyHomegirl]

Thank you for saying that. I know I need to quit I just honestly don?t want to. I already know he outcome right now, I?m either goin going to jail or going to rehab. So right now I?m my head this is my last run, it aucks because I?m disappointing my mom an step dad sooo much but I can?t quit right now my brain is wired to the max to get high this sucks.