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thinking about death

Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
693
I'm on my 2nd day of withdrawals of oxy. I'm depressed, and am contemplating suicide. My life has flipped so drastically in the past month it's crazy. Whatever future I have ahead of me is bleak... very bleak, and I don't want to be a part of it. I was arrested a month ago, a repeat offender, and my court date was today, my next court date is in 2 months. I can't afford a lawyer, and can only get a public defender. I'm looking at a lil bit of jail time, and I've never been in jail for more than a day. I'm a student, but I stopped going to my classes because I lost my car, I have too much on my mind. I owe a lot in student loans. I can't go to school anymore, because to qualify for financial aid you can't be a felon, and I'll be convicted this summer. I don't know.. life sucks and I'm alone. I don't talk to my father anymore. I'm very young, scared, and depressed. The thought of suicide through overdose of oxy is constantly in the back of my mind. Idk if i want to continue. Life sucks.
 
You are in the midst of hellish opiate wd's, I would not do any thing so rash as suicide when the severe depression/bleakness you are feeling WILL subside after the wd's end. Wd's don't last forever, this must be remembered. BTW - Life is full of oppurtunities and beauty, it is never too late, never too late.
 
how long will this last. i did about 120mgs a day for 2 weeks, and i did my last roxi sunday morning around 7 a.m.
I literally want to fucking die. I can't take it anymore
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
I'm very young, scared, and depressed.
Click to expand...

I really think these are super important words. The best part of each of them...they are never permanent.
They all can and will change. You must know that w/d is never a time to ever, ever make any kind of major decision.
Your emotions and your body are nowhere near the shape they need to be in to see things clearly.
You posted on here because you need to confide in someone and find some guidance. That act alone says..there's hope for you.
I bet a huge percentage of people who are on this board have felt so close to wanting to throw the towel in.
I'm not sure off hand how many people are members here..but it's alot. That's alot of people who didn't give in when they could have.
Follow their lead. You don't have to think about it..just breathe and follow some really good people's advice..no doubt, alot of it is about
to come your way. Your post alone shows you're too smart not to see that things change by the minute. So do emotions.

<3token
 
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Eyes On the Roll said:
how long will this last. i did about 120mgs a day for 2 weeks, and i did my last roxi sunday morning around 7 a.m.
I literally want to fucking die. I can't take it anymore
Click to expand...

Opiate wd's are at their worst for a couple of days, then start to subside. It might get a bit worse, but hang in there, it will turn around for the better, and it won't be too long. Seriously when I came off a pretty short-lived tramadol habit I was crying for no reason, and felt like absolute shit. Opioid wd's suck, they just do. BUT, they don't tend to last long.
 
OP, the above responders are so right! Nothing is permanent and you are in the physical and psychological hell of withdrawal so try to concentrate on getting through that, one day at a time, and don't worry about your future.

Just a thought to throw out there: as far as your education goes, you may be right that you will no longer qualify for loans once you have a felony (damn drug laws!) but did you know that you might be able to actually use this life experience to your advantage once you get this addiction behind you? My friend works in admissions in a major university in my state. She tells me of the students that write about overcoming great problems as standing out both for admissions as well as for scholarships. Your honesty and integrity can carry you far when you hold your head up and refuse to be ashamed of the hardships you have lived through. So don't sell yourself short. You can fight those battles when you get there. For now, just concentrate on today.

Good luck and hang in there.<3
 
Sounds like you have lost your job, education, family and soon - freedom. Welcome to addiction. How did you think it would all turn out? I am truly sorry for you. Good Luck. Whoops, luck has nothing to do with it. We make our own luck.
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
how long will this last. i did about 120mgs a day for 2 weeks, and i did my last roxi sunday morning around 7 a.m.
I literally want to fucking die. I can't take it anymore
Click to expand...

So you've hit bottom. We all have at some point. You're going to have to muscle through this. You really have no other choice because suicide really is not an option and I think you know that deep down inside.

What were you arrested for? I am assuming it was drug-related. Any chance you can go to treatment? Perhaps your attorney can work out a diversion program with the court.

I would strongly suggest that you attend some NA or AA meetings in your town at the very least because you are guaranteed to find that at least half the people in the room have experienced what you are experiencing now and have made it to the other side. You need to see a living, breathing example of that of right now.
 
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Only thing stays the same is change... it will not stay bleak. It can't. Things can't ever really stay the way they are, they have to change! So please don't commit suicide, but don't run away from the bleakness either. Times like this can be a good time to really contemplate and introspect about life, and come to terms with things that u have been pushing away and refusing to think about or consider. Please use this time! It really, really, really can be an opportunity, times like these. The good times offer far less... they really do. They are often shallow times in life. Times like u are in now can take you deeper, much deeper....

Peace...
 
Sorry bro but if you wanted to commit suicide you would of by now, clearly you still want to live. Of course it is your choice, go ahead kill yourself, no one here can stop you. But just ask yourself do you really want to end this life that was given to you for a reason, yes there are depressions, anxieties, all sorts of problems but you have to find a way to pass it all, its all your choice, iam not here to say dont kill your self, all iam saying is life is given to you, its a gift, why throw it away. Iv been threw so much fucking shit, depression anxiety, trust me ALL of it, ive had fucked up times where i thought i was going insane from stupid drugs. Now that it all went away i know one thing for sure, life is like a big joke to me, everything changes, nothing ever stays the same. a few months ago i thought i would be insane for the rest of my life, now iam completely fine here just laughing at how life is so random and mysterious,.................do w/e u want bro, its your choice. and sorry if anyone takes this as negative but iam jus speaking from my heart, nothing more to say.
 
il tell you one thing for sure...everything your feeling now...its ALL going to change, nothing stays the same, thats like a rule i have learned and thats just the nature of life.
 
You can not take drugs, period. Some folks just cant. Search "addiction effect on brain". Didn't someone important in your life ever warn you? Usually we ignore the warnings cause our only master is the addiction. You sound like you are running out of second chances. Prison, a psych ward, death or clean and sober forever. Pick one.
 
Most others have covered allot of ground, one thing I always remember, having suffered from suicidal thought quite allot over the last 3 years or so is that if you did kill yourself you wouldn't feel better.

You would not be around to enjoy the release from the pain, its not an answer its just the end, hang on in there and things WILL get better, that you will be able to feel, and as those glimmers of light start to find there way back into your life you'll appreciate them all the more.

I couple of months back (I suffer from depression) I was walking back up my road in the early morning and could see the sun rising in the blue winter sky and just for 30 seconds I could see its beauty again, almost as if for the first time, I had to stop as it took my breath away, Don't give up on life keep walking down that road you'll find the light if you keep on going<3
 
Hey OP...Gee the States are soo hard with their 3 strikes and your out rule..
Now you are at rock bottom my friend...It dosent get much worse than where you are, and what you are facing right now....But the only way is up...The feelings you having now are exaggerated by the withdrawals you are going through....EVERYTHING dude, seems at its worst right now in your mind...But you are not thinking very clear ATM...Please deal with one thing at a time mate and dont make it soo bad...
You havent lived yet...you have a wife and children and grandchildren too come...
You would be absolutely amazed if you knew the amount of people who are in your day to day life and are ex-crims or felons as you guys say...There are people out there whom like yourself, made fuck-ups when young, and they are still nice, good, solid people, who just started off a bit wonky in life...
It aint over for you...Not by a long shot and not if you dont want it to be....<3
One step at a time.....:\
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
I'm on my 2nd day of withdrawals of oxy. I'm depressed, and am contemplating suicide. My life has flipped so drastically in the past month it's crazy. Whatever future I have ahead of me is bleak... very bleak, and I don't want to be a part of it. I was arrested a month ago, a repeat offender, and my court date was today, my next court date is in 2 months. I can't afford a lawyer, and can only get a public defender. I'm looking at a lil bit of jail time, and I've never been in jail for more than a day. I'm a student, but I stopped going to my classes because I lost my car, I have too much on my mind. I owe a lot in student loans. I can't go to school anymore, because to qualify for financial aid you can't be a felon, and I'll be convicted this summer. I don't know.. life sucks and I'm alone. I don't talk to my father anymore. I'm very young, scared, and depressed. The thought of suicide through overdose of oxy is constantly in the back of my mind. Idk if i want to continue. Life sucks.
Click to expand...

I know things look bleak, and when you're in opiate w/d even a good situation would look bad. Can you tell us a little about how you're attacking each of the problems you've listed: 1) The arrest and getting a lawyer, 2) getting kicked out of school and 3) getting back in touch with your father (since you mention it, it seems to be important to you right now). Have you been able to put any kind of plan together to tackle these serious problems. I know it's hard to think of right now, but maybe you could just list a few things that you either have done or maybe could do. There's a whole forum of people here and if you throw out some ideas, I guarantee someone will be able to give you some really good suggestions. Remember, there is ALWAYS something you can do to make your situation better. True- you can't change the past, but there's always something you can do. Focus on it, even if you can only give it a few minutes of time- you just might find a crack of light shines on you. Trust me on this.
 
Hey guys. Just giving an update. I relapsed, I couldn't take the withdrawals. But some things have changed for the better. This morning I got an interesting phone call... I was a passenger in a car crash on thanksgiving. The girl driving was drunk, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt, and my face smashed the windshield when she swerved off road and hit a tree. I got a call from her insurance company, and they offered me a check of $4300 as a bodily injury settlement or something. I know that I could have gotten a lawyer and sued for WAY more, but I'm not like that. I gladly signed the paper and took the check. Now things are looking up. I can hire my old lawyer again. Despite the fact that I relapsed, I am still going to kick oxy's. I bought 5 8mg suboxone gummies, and plan on getting into the beginnings of withdrawls (not till I REALLY feel it, ima try to hold out as long as I can), and I will sublingually take 2mgs of suboxone at a time. This is going to start tomorrow. So as soon as I can't take my withdrawals anymore (which should start around 4 in the afternoon tomorrow, I'll hold out till later in the night though) I'm going to administer buprenorphine. Thanks for all of the support and kind replies. I haven't completely given up yet. Despite the fact that I relapsed, I'm going to pull through this time. I'm going to do it the right way and use subs.
 
Hey EOtR...I am glad its looking up for you mate!!The soboxone sounds like a good idea...Ive been on it a few times so PM me ifn you got any questions...All the best and make sure its about 36 hrs since last opiate before you put subbie under ya tongue!!!
 
Yeah I heard it can turn into a nightmare if taken at the wrong time. Will it be fine to start to take it a few hours into withdrawals?
 
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