there is something horribly wrong with me

[Eyes On the Roll]

Some precursors..
When I was 4 years old I came at my sister with a knife in my hand, laughing and chasing her, with her screaming in utter terror. That was after I saw "Halloween". When I was about 8, I was caught sticking needles in my sisters sandals. I have never been attached to anyone, except my first girlfriend at age 17-19. Her cheating made me all the more hateful. I despise her, and now I despise most girls my age. I can't connect with anyone. I have a shit load of friends, but I get bored of them, and I tend to hop from one social group to the next (within my large friend-base). I have never had a best friend, ever. I wet the bed up until I was 13.. and I think that is what set me apart socially from others. I wouldn't ever sleep over a friends house because of this uncontrollable bed wetting. I have gone through a great deal of depression, as far back as I can remember, but ending near graduation. I am impartial to mostly everything now. I instinctively verbally toy with people, and I can't help it. More or less to satisfy my extremely odd sense of humor. I've been called a good liar countless times, my dad even said I'm the biggest liar he has ever known. If somebody gets pissed at me, and gets all up in my face trying to fight, I don't get scared. I stand in one spot and don't back down, and I look them in the eye and smile. In a polite tone, I taunt them, and they seem to get the creeps and back off. This has happened as recently as New Years Eve, and it was with a friend, and I sort of provoked him, fucking with him when he was asleep. I can be very passive aggressive. I'm obsessed with death. Not my own, mind you. I come from a Christian family, and we went to church every Sunday of my childhood. I was also required by my parents to go to Wednesday School, which is a church class for kids in school. I have even gone through Confirmation, when I was 14 I believe. I've been dealing with firm believers my whole life, who have faith, and who have impressed upon me this religion, yet here I sit, a 21 year old student with 0 religious beliefs. I am puzzled as to why something that was such a big part of my life throughout my development has not made an impression on me. I like animals, but I tend to squeeze them too hard, while biting my tongue in a folded position. The harder I squeeze a living creature, the harder I bite down on my folded tongue, and I get something out of doing that that I can't begin to explain. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember, and my sister used to make fun of me for it. Recently I've been having fantasy's that would be very disturbing to a normal person if I shared them, so I won't even bother. I am not very sexual for some reason. Yes, I enjoy the feeling, but it more or less disgusts me unless I'm drunk. Maybe it's the intimacy that I don't like. I could live without it.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I have been in a mental hospital 3 times in the past year, with my longest stay being 3 weeks, and my shortest being 5 days, and have undergone lots of psychiatric evaluation. I know the psychological profiles provided by my doctors are highly inaccurate, mostly because I have never told them the truth. I always lie in therapy, and find it amusing that they believe me. I would never tell anyone this stuff in real life, nobody knows the real me. I've heard my dad say that he knows me better than anyone else, but he really doesn't know who I am. I guess I'm in my own little world. I'm portrayed as a calm, quiet, polite, and caring person. I'm content with my life right now, but I just feel empty. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not a bad person, I mean I generally treat people with respect, although I may be feeling or thinking completely on a different level than what is portrayed. I don't treat people the way I want to treat them, i guess is a good way of saying it. I know right and wrong, and I stick by it. I may be surrounded by friends day in and day out.. but at the end of the day I'm a loner. I guess I just don't care enough for anyone to let them see the real me. Why can't I connect with anyone? I understand that love can be one of the best experiences ever. I see couples together, and how happy they are. In a way I envy them, but mostly, I'm happy that I am not them. I constantly see kids my age who have completely different relationships with their parents than I do. Most people really are pretty open and socially comfortable with their parents, and can spend one on one time with them aren't they? How!! My parents don't have the slightest idea who I am. In their eyes I'm the boy next door (until i staarted getting sent to the mental hospitals.. then they got an idea of how I might be). I have never met another person like me. I'm just confused as shit. I don't operate on the same frequency as other humans. What makes people genuinely interested in other people? I just don't get it! Deep down I hate the world and everyone in it, but I love my life so much that I tolerate everyone.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's awesome you're able to open up and share it here on BL/in TDS.

I'm just wondering, what's your question? Are you seeing a dr/therapist or on any meds (and if so how long)?

Hope this finds you well!

 

[KAYLA2010]

It will be okay as time passes you will learn to connect with people. You are just young and trying to figure yourself out and being in mental hospitals on on all those drugs hasn't helped you. As time passes you will mature and hopefully feel better about life. We are all here for you when ever you need to share.

Your medications your taking can cause you to not be so sexual due to side effects.

Hugs I hope you get better soon.

I do not thing you are a sociopath I think you are just young and trying to find things to make yourself feel good. One day you will find something or someone non harmful that younwill love and you will be happy.

School, job, friends, stay away from destructive behavior and out of hospital environments and you will get better also most kids mess with siblings you were just being a brother that's what they do

Were here for you hugs, thinking about you.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Why can't I connect with anyone? I understand that love can be one of the best experiences ever. I see couples together, and how happy they are. In a way I envy them, but mostly, I'm happy that I am not them. I constantly see kids my age who have completely different relationships with their parents than I do. Most people really are pretty open and socially comfortable with their parents, and can spend one on one time with them aren't they? How!! My parents don't have the slightest idea who I am. In their eyes I'm the boy next door (until i staarted getting sent to the mental hospitals.. then they got an idea of how I might be). I have never met another person like me. I'm just confused as shit. I don't operate on the same frequency as other humans. What makes people genuinely interested in other people? I just don't get it! Deep down I hate the world and everyone in it, but I love my life so much that I tolerate everyone.

Well firstly, thank you for sharing all of that with us man. I for one appreciate that you've opened up to us here in TDS. I hope it feels good to get some of that off your chest

I do have a few questions for you:
*Why do you lie to therapists? Are you afraid of their reactions to what you would say if you were truthful? Do you enjoy seeing them think they're right when you know they're wrong? Or something else entirely?
*What have you been admitted to the psych wards for....if you don't mind me asking?
*Do you ever have serious thoughts or desires of harming yourself or others (including animals)?
*Do you ever wish for your life/yourself/things to be different?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Neo, awesome!

OP, I'd absolutely love to hear more of your store, especially regarding the questions Neo asked you above. I just wanted to mention that it sounds like you have traveled an amazing, if really really difficult and painful, path. I would really like to hear more about it. Please OP, do tell. Do tell. We're here for you, fellow space cadet!

Over and Out = TPD

 

[cire113]

I think world class talk therapy will do wonders for you man.. if your honest with them...

just gotta find a good one..

I wouldn't experiment with drugs btw.. they will def do you no good

 

[Mel22]

I feel for you, it is a difficult situation you find yourself in.

Some of the things you have described are troubling however, and I feel that opening up entirely to a therapist you trust and have built some sort of relationship with would be beneficial.

I implore you to do this, as it is a possibility that you may start doing some harmful things to yourself or others to counter that feeling of emptiness you speak of.

 

[tkarr]

So hmmm, I'm not a doctor but if you're telling the truth in these statements, it sounds almost certain that you at least have sociopathic traits and even psychopathic ones.

I'm not sure what could be said other than that it's probably best to continue with therapy and so forth because I can't imagine that sort of disconnected, manipulative, dishonest lifestyle and outlook is satisfying. You're not alone though in that, I read that based on research psychologists estimate that around 3-4% of men are psychopaths, and and 10-15% are sociopaths based on their definitions.

You're only 21 though and if I think back a bit I was in a lot of ways kind of ammoral and unempathetic in my thinking when I was in my late teens or early 20's and my outlook changed a lot even by the time I reached my mid 20's. So a lot of that could just be immaturity.

But the extent of what you've described, is sounds like the checklist they go over on TV when they talk about serial killers, to be honest. Like exactly, matching almost all the things they say are correlated with such people.... Kind of worrying.

 

[herbavore]

What you are describing is the terrible loneliness that comes from lying to everyone about your true self, the maladaptive behaviors you use to punish yourself and others and a rather terrifying sense of superiority that you have developed to protect yourself. I think that you truly want help for the prison you find yourself in. While I can sympathize with your disdain for many mental health practitioners (especially those connected with mental hospitals unfortunately), I know that there are truly gifted and intelligent people in the field that can really help you if you allow yourself to be seen. Manipulating everyone around you only deepens your pain.

The repression that comes from intensely religious upbringing often backfires. Instead of creating morality, it can undermine it severely. Maybe this is pertinent for you, maybe not. I do have one question. What kind of parents let a four year old watch Halloween? Chasing your sister with a knife at four after seeing such a film says less about anything inherently wrong with you and more about something very incongruous about religious parents that would allow such a thing.

I think that if you were to work with someone who is a complex thinker and who you allow yourself to be transparent with, along with a healthy dose of self-forgiveness, that you could begin to undo some of the damage that you are doing to yourself. Good luck. There is nothing that cannot change.

 

[cosmiccharlie]

Damn bro, we've all done some really fucked up stuff... and yo life is FUCKING AMAZING, I know it may suck ass day to day but I promise shit will get better... IMO docs/ hospitals really arent helping

 

[KAYLA2010]

Eyes on a roll- how are you doing/feeling are you okay? We haven't heard back from you.

 

[jacklantern]

I was once like you:

I know the psychological profiles provided by my doctors are highly inaccurate, mostly because I have never told them the truth.

Why are you wasting everyones time? If you are not truthful you will never get better.

Knowing there is something wrong is only the first step.

Sounds like you have lied to everyone including yourself.

Deep down I hate the world and everyone in it.

If this is true, you are doomed. You will end up in prison, in a ward or on the street. Then it will be too late.

Another privileged kid that takes more than he gives.

Been there, done that. I was once like you.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Firstly, thank you for your post jacklantern, and welcome to Bluelight
What made you "get better", so to speak? What was the point at which you turned things around?

 

[xburtonchic]

It sounds like you have sociopathic tendencies, rather extreme ones actually. What you explained - the compulsive lying, the passive-aggressiveness, the inability to connect to others, that you love yourself and that's why you tolerate people, that you harm animals, and so on - those are all dead giveaways of a sociopath... and I hate to say it, but it fits the profile of many serial killers as well. I'm worried about you. You can't write this off as just immaturity or growing up - as someone said, you're 21. And this type of behavior is not normal or just a part of growing up. You've done things to intentionally harm your sister by putting needles in her shoes. I don't remember who said it, and I don't feel like scrolling up to find the post, but how can you write that off as something normal?

My best advice for you is to not take this lightly. Don't buy into the whole "It's normal, it's just part of growing up" stuff. It's not. Those are just words to make someone feel better and they aren't the truth. My brother and ex-boyfriend are both sociopaths - my ex to a lesser degree than you described, but my brother comes pretty close. Still not as bad as what you described though - the worst of his sociopathic tendencies are stealing money from me and my parents and threatening to kill my pets by slitting their throats. As someone who lives and has also dated a sociopath, take it from me - if what you're saying is the truth, you are one. That doesn't mean you can't get help for it if you want to. The good news is that most sociopaths refuse to recognize that they even have a problem. The fact that you do and that you're concerned for the safety of others makes me think you want to be a good person, and that you do have a good heart... you just have to find it. I think you need to start telling the truth in therapy. No one can help you if you don't. And trust me when I say that as you get older, it will only get worse. You already admitted that you think about death a lot, and that it's not about your own. You could end up seriously hurting or even killing someone in the future if you don't get help. I sincerely hope you do, and that you start truly opening up in therapy. Therapists deal with this kind of stuff all of the time - they won't judge you for telling the truth. But they can't help you unless you tell them the truth either. I know you find it amusing to lie to them, but for the sake of yourself and the people around you, just allow yourself to open up and let someone help you just this once.

I know this is probably not want you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. I didn't join Bluelight so I could comfort people and tell them that everything is okay when it's obviously not. That defeats the whole purpose of Bluelight. I'm honest, maybe brutally so, but sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes a reality check is what a person needs in order to get help. I just want you to know that I'm not judging you either, by the way - I'm not perfect myself by any means. I have PTSD and horrible general anxiety disorder and the occasional panic attack, and more recently... albeit for good reasons... I've developed agoraphobia and severe depression. No one is perfect and we all have our faults. You just have to have the courage to come forward and be proactive in fixing them.

 

[Jabberwocky]

No one is perfect and we all have our faults. You just have to have the courage to come forward and be proactive in fixing them.

Amen

 

[Mr Stravinsky]

Its great to find a place where you can just let all of your faults and secrets out. I think that is a great form of therapy, keep it up man. Honestly I feel like I can relate to you, though i never had psychological problems..that i know of. If you come back to this thread, i wonder do you feel like being around people wears you out? And do you prefer being with yourself over being around people. I really hope you come back OP. This is a really good forum, these people like to help.

Hope you find some comfort, my unknown friend

 

[Znegative]

When I read this I was a bit disturbed at first, because like xburtonchic said, there are some symptoms that sound sociopathic from the limited knowledge I have in psychology. But then I thought about it, and I realized, that someone with anti-social personality disorder, would not sit down, and write all this stuff down, because someone with that disorder would most likely not feel any need to disclose such personal information. And to be honest, I think a lot of us have some sociopathic tendencies. I actually could relate to a lot of what you said, especially the stuff about sex and the Lying. Anyway, rather than try to throw advice at you, I'm just going to say, that it's really great to see someone be this honest, and I hope you find some kind of meaning.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I really hope you come back OP. This is a really good forum, these people like to help. Hope you find some comfort, my unknown friend

and

Anyway, rather than try to throw advice at you, I'm just going to say, that it's really great to see someone be this honest, and I hope you find some kind of meaning.

YES!!!

 

[KAYLA2010]

Thinking of you. I hope your okay. Hugs

^--- agree with above Toothpaste your an awesome person

 

[Jabberwocky]

well shmank you </blushing>

WAZ UP OP? I'd love to hear where you find yourself on this crazy place we call Earth today