So I literally drive it strait to get work to keep there. Idk why she brought it home like wtf…can’t blame her tho. My sobriety is my responsibility.
Just if there right in my face it’s impossible for me to not abuse them and them once I’m high I lose it and don’t realize I’ve kept taking them.
I really thought I was going to die last night. And I started shouting them a lot.
I had a total of 60 so yeah I took 500mg. Over the course of the day. And it was literally just a constant state of panic for 8-10 hours. It was horrible.
I’m legit terrified of relapsing again. Because it’s only a matter of time before I go too far.
So yeah I’m not taking them again.
Are you terrified enough to call your doctor and tell them no more stimulants?
Here's the truth, stimulant medication can be very helpful to improving the quality of life of folks with ADHD, but they have some steep costs. Generally especially in younger people, the costs of sustained long term stimulant use outweigh the costs of unmedicated ADHD.
However you have a pretty serious addiction to seems like any and all zoomin. In fact at this point it reads like a straight up compulsion. You seem to be aware of this and straddling the "I want to stop but I keep subconciously setting up situations that I can sabotage just in case I get scared of stopping" which I am very familiar with personally.
I ran into the same exact cycle with alcohol. I spent a lot of time lying to people I cared about, but the most damage to that recovery path was lying to myself. Never REALLY detaching myself from "plan B" which was the second I have a bad day get absolutely smashed, or hey I went a week sober I wanna celebrate with 9 hours of straight whiskey and Rainbow Six Siege.
Eventually I realized what I hope you do too:
1. I had to set my addict side up for failure. My liquor store guy is a super wonderful man. I told him what was up and to not sell to me, and he agreed. So now I'd have to feel extra guilty if I wanted to go to a different store. It added just a hint of sobering reality, and some risk of embarassment as I did not have a card ID at the time I had lost it. I also told my family, and my boss. They all were supportive. And they both now would be more likely to recognize my hangover signs and symptoms. No more hiding it addict brain
Basically yes, as you say no one can REALLY hold you accountable. But you also can't win easily on your own. You can burn down all of your hiding places, expose yourself by making your safety net aware(its okay to need help) and put traps along the way to make it difficult and tedious to aquire your substance of choice, which oftentimes gave me enough pause to re-think what I was doing.
So to my point earlier, in your case you need to realize that regardless of your ADHD, you will live a much longer and far more fulfulling life once you decide that you can not take stimulant medications responsibly. ADHD can be treated with stuff like buproprion, and honestly the meds help my ADHD, but what really helped was therapy which gave me tools and points of view that could make planning and prioritizing make more sense. Stimulants are not helping you, they're hurting you.
I don't even you, they are very difficult to recover from. You're gonna need support, and you're gonna need to believe yourself that getting through the healing process will truly lead to a happier and more fulfilling life for you and your loved ones.
I had a friend who said that heroin and fentanyl are awful because you never know if you're going to wake up. But that stimulants were worse, because they take your entire soul first, and then they kill you. Get your soul back man
