sad mafioso
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2007
- Messages
- 3,117
Laura Goodel knows that there are only two types of men.
'Most men fall into one of two categories,' she says, sitting across from you, stirring a pack of sugar into her iced tea, her curly auburn hair falling onto her bare shoulders, 'Marrying Men and Hardened Bachelors.'
'Hardened Bachelors?' you repeat, questioning, not really the least bit confused and she puts down the spoon and makes a rare but brief direct eye contact with you, a smirk forming on her face as her lips curl upward and eyes squint a little.
'Bad Boys,' she says.
Oh. Yeah.
Fucking Bad Boys.
Laura Goodel is a popular woman. The people who know her, they value her opinions. Her book 'Dating, Mating, and Handling your Men: The Ornithological Guide to Dating the 21st Century Male' has sold upwards of 2 million copies. When mentioned in print or conversation it is always preceded by the word 'bestseller'.
Ornithology? It refers to the branch of zoology that deals specifically with birds.
Laura Goodel? You want to throw a trash bag over her head and throw her in the trunk of your car after hitting her in the face a few times with a hammer. Drive her to some middle of nowhere spot, some uninhabited wooded area or forgotten forest, tie her to a tree and leave her there as bear food. Maybe drop some inhumane dose of LSD, say 500 micrograms, in her iced tea before hand and after tying her to the tree go and stand off in the distance and watch her trip her tits off for a while, crying and screaming and slobbering.
'You know,' she continues, 'In my private practice as a love coach, many women in relationship trouble often don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, and that’s the problem. They fail to see the telltale signs of a man who’s really relationship material, or a man who’s a Bad Boy.'
The waiter walks up to the table and places a chicken Caesar salad in front of Ms. Relationship and a club sandwich in front of you. You ask her what the fuck a 'bad boy' even really is.
'Well, that's easy,' she tells you, stabbing her fork into a piece of grilled chicken, 'A Bad Boy is charismatic and handsome. He can date in every age range and shag whomever he wants. He is also a master at making women feel really, really special because he loves them.' She puts both hands up and makes the quotation marks with her middle and index fingers when she says the word 'loves'.
You're starting to not even care about the restaurant full of potential witnesses or even spending the rest of your life in jail for murdering this smarmy cunt. Probably, it would be worth it.
'Bad Boys often run in tight little groups comprised of other sexy, equally unavailable males,' she says after chewing and swallowing a small mouthful of food. All you can manage to mutter is another 'Oh yeah?'. You haven't even touched your lunch.
'They make themselves available to women for sex or fun, short-term romance, long-term, non-exclusive sexual arrangements or marriages made solely for their convenience. Of course those marriages will likely be riddled with affairs.'
The waiter stops by and asks if everything is all right with your sandwich. You tell the Bozo to fuck off without even looking up and Laura Goodel, she doesn't skip a beat. He leaves and you're pretty sure she didn't even notice the exchange between yourself and the waiter. 'Self-obsessed twat,' you mutter under your breath but still loud enough for a person deaf in one ear and sitting right across the table from you to hear. Ms. Know-It-All doesn't flinch and keeps on jabbering.
'Beneath it all, though, most Bad Boys are still traumatized from a twisted relationship deep in their past. You know, usually with mommy or an ex or something.'
'Oedipus Rex,' you say and she says 'Bad Boys are perfect playmates for women who aren’t looking for a serious relationship.'
'I'm going to scoop your eyeballs out of their sockets with my pocket knife and skull fuck you,' you tell her and she says 'But even then, mature women are usually the only suitable partners for bad boys.'
You have been staring at her this entire time and she may have made eye contact with you twice. You could be growing a second, bright blue penis with testicles the size of grapefruits from your forehead and she wouldn't notice.
'The thing women need to remember about these guys is that they, the woman, will never come first. If he's a Bad Boy that means he’s totally self-involved. They need to keep their expectations realistic. Be in it for fun and fun only, and try not to expect more, because a Bad Boy will not be able to give it to them. Ever.'
Later on in the car, you turn on the stereo as you merge off the highway onto the exit and put in a Talking Heads CD.
'Sometimes the world has a load of questions
Seems like the world knows nothing at all'
Laura Goodel looks in the mirror and touches up her lipstick and you ask her 'But don't you think people can change?'
And she says, 'Not everybody, no.'
And you tell her, 'If they had help... anyone can change with the right help.'
'She has messages for everyone'
And you say, 'What if they recognize their faults and they want to change? What if they love somebody enough that they want to change for that person?'
'She is moving by remote control'
'Bad Boy's don't feel the same type of love as everyone else,' she tells you and you tell her again, this time much louder, almost screaming, to stop using that expression but she continues: 'And nobody is going to change a Bad Boy, no matter how fantastic they are.' You pass a sign that says 'Pinelands National Reserve-Next Right' and you put on your turn signal.
'Hands that move her are invisible'
And Laura Goodel, she closes her eyes and she tells you she feels kind of dizzy. She tells you everything seems like it's spinning.
'The world moves on a womans hips
The world moves and it swivels and bops'
'Most men fall into one of two categories,' she says, sitting across from you, stirring a pack of sugar into her iced tea, her curly auburn hair falling onto her bare shoulders, 'Marrying Men and Hardened Bachelors.'
'Hardened Bachelors?' you repeat, questioning, not really the least bit confused and she puts down the spoon and makes a rare but brief direct eye contact with you, a smirk forming on her face as her lips curl upward and eyes squint a little.
'Bad Boys,' she says.
Oh. Yeah.
Fucking Bad Boys.
Laura Goodel is a popular woman. The people who know her, they value her opinions. Her book 'Dating, Mating, and Handling your Men: The Ornithological Guide to Dating the 21st Century Male' has sold upwards of 2 million copies. When mentioned in print or conversation it is always preceded by the word 'bestseller'.
Ornithology? It refers to the branch of zoology that deals specifically with birds.
Laura Goodel? You want to throw a trash bag over her head and throw her in the trunk of your car after hitting her in the face a few times with a hammer. Drive her to some middle of nowhere spot, some uninhabited wooded area or forgotten forest, tie her to a tree and leave her there as bear food. Maybe drop some inhumane dose of LSD, say 500 micrograms, in her iced tea before hand and after tying her to the tree go and stand off in the distance and watch her trip her tits off for a while, crying and screaming and slobbering.
'You know,' she continues, 'In my private practice as a love coach, many women in relationship trouble often don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, and that’s the problem. They fail to see the telltale signs of a man who’s really relationship material, or a man who’s a Bad Boy.'
The waiter walks up to the table and places a chicken Caesar salad in front of Ms. Relationship and a club sandwich in front of you. You ask her what the fuck a 'bad boy' even really is.
'Well, that's easy,' she tells you, stabbing her fork into a piece of grilled chicken, 'A Bad Boy is charismatic and handsome. He can date in every age range and shag whomever he wants. He is also a master at making women feel really, really special because he loves them.' She puts both hands up and makes the quotation marks with her middle and index fingers when she says the word 'loves'.
You're starting to not even care about the restaurant full of potential witnesses or even spending the rest of your life in jail for murdering this smarmy cunt. Probably, it would be worth it.
'Bad Boys often run in tight little groups comprised of other sexy, equally unavailable males,' she says after chewing and swallowing a small mouthful of food. All you can manage to mutter is another 'Oh yeah?'. You haven't even touched your lunch.
'They make themselves available to women for sex or fun, short-term romance, long-term, non-exclusive sexual arrangements or marriages made solely for their convenience. Of course those marriages will likely be riddled with affairs.'
The waiter stops by and asks if everything is all right with your sandwich. You tell the Bozo to fuck off without even looking up and Laura Goodel, she doesn't skip a beat. He leaves and you're pretty sure she didn't even notice the exchange between yourself and the waiter. 'Self-obsessed twat,' you mutter under your breath but still loud enough for a person deaf in one ear and sitting right across the table from you to hear. Ms. Know-It-All doesn't flinch and keeps on jabbering.
'Beneath it all, though, most Bad Boys are still traumatized from a twisted relationship deep in their past. You know, usually with mommy or an ex or something.'
'Oedipus Rex,' you say and she says 'Bad Boys are perfect playmates for women who aren’t looking for a serious relationship.'
'I'm going to scoop your eyeballs out of their sockets with my pocket knife and skull fuck you,' you tell her and she says 'But even then, mature women are usually the only suitable partners for bad boys.'
You have been staring at her this entire time and she may have made eye contact with you twice. You could be growing a second, bright blue penis with testicles the size of grapefruits from your forehead and she wouldn't notice.
'The thing women need to remember about these guys is that they, the woman, will never come first. If he's a Bad Boy that means he’s totally self-involved. They need to keep their expectations realistic. Be in it for fun and fun only, and try not to expect more, because a Bad Boy will not be able to give it to them. Ever.'
Later on in the car, you turn on the stereo as you merge off the highway onto the exit and put in a Talking Heads CD.
'Sometimes the world has a load of questions
Seems like the world knows nothing at all'
Laura Goodel looks in the mirror and touches up her lipstick and you ask her 'But don't you think people can change?'
And she says, 'Not everybody, no.'
'The world is near but its out of reach
Some people touch it...but they cant hold on.'
Some people touch it...but they cant hold on.'
And you tell her, 'If they had help... anyone can change with the right help.'
'She is moving to describe the world'
Closing up the mirror she says, 'As soon a Bad Boy feels he’s being emotionally hemmed in, he’ll panic.' And you tell her to stop using that fucking term, the car feeling suddenly warmer and sweat forming on your brow.
'She has messages for everyone'
And you say, 'What if they recognize their faults and they want to change? What if they love somebody enough that they want to change for that person?'
'She is moving by remote control'
'Bad Boy's don't feel the same type of love as everyone else,' she tells you and you tell her again, this time much louder, almost screaming, to stop using that expression but she continues: 'And nobody is going to change a Bad Boy, no matter how fantastic they are.' You pass a sign that says 'Pinelands National Reserve-Next Right' and you put on your turn signal.
'Hands that move her are invisible'
And Laura Goodel, she closes her eyes and she tells you she feels kind of dizzy. She tells you everything seems like it's spinning.
'The world moves on a womans hips
The world moves and it swivels and bops'
