The wish washy user.

[Hunter S.]

Hello. My drug use has been riddled with relapses, recovery, lieing, hurting others, hurting myself, breaking hearts, and all the negative things you can think of. So I ask, "why choose to use substances that I know will only lead to my own self destruction? Although I am not addicted to a substance I am addicted to the concept of getting high.

But is the rush I get from using these drugs really worth the short lived escape from reality that drugs provide? Of course not, yet I choose to do the things that I know are just a quick and easy burst of dopamine. I choose to ignore the fundamentals my parents have put into my brain, I choose the "wrong thing" even though I'm perfectly aware of the "right thing". Is having fun getting high really fun? Or is it a mechanism for my own self destruction.

There's a phrase used to describe oneself when high, "I'm feelin right" they say. But we all know that we are "feeling wrong" so why do we as drug users continue to do the very thing that causes tension in family life, the thing that breaks down relationships in a manner more terrible than murder.

To so I have a love hate relationship with drugs is an understatement. I love drugs more than I love to breathe.
The only way I can describe the extremely complex relationship between drugs and I is fucked up, just plain fucked up.

I know I am just rambling, but I know some of you if not all of you ow exactly what I'm speaking of. The self destructive habits that we are in love with.

Don't get me wrong, drugs are great on a certain level. Stims can make you productive when you aren't feeling productive, and hallucinagins can give you a better outlook on life and love. But when moderation is replaced with habit. That's when drugs become a daemon, smthing that controlls your thoughts and behavior.

Not a day goes by that i wish I had never started using. From the moment I took my first toke of weed I knew in my heart that I was choosing a lifestyle that would be with me forever.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think a lot of people have gone through hardships in life, which then leads them to self-medicate for anxiety/depression.

Other times, it's hard to quit using if you aren't going through hardships yourself personally; some people on this forum have had the great fortune of being able to support a habit for many, many years before they had to quit or were urged to by family members, etc.

In that sense, I'm all ears if you want to go more in depth into everything.

 

[Hunter S.]

Oh boy do I have lots of thoughts and ideas to share. I could go for hours.

 

[Missykins]

Your relationship with drugs is not that complicated: you love them, they don't love you back. Like CH said, some folks manage to use for years, never really suffering any consequences, while others hit bottom very quickly. Have you hit bottom yet? Doesn't sound like it. Hitting bottom can sometimes take years, it's not always one catastrophic event; rather, it can simply be the gradual wearing-away of your life as you know it, your sanity, and your liberties.

 

[junkieman412]

It is the fact that i know the results every time i relapse that hurts the most. The fact that i can be looking at that line pill, or whatever and say to myself that you will lose everything (again) and still do it. I fucking hate it with all my heart and soul

 

[magellan13]

Don't get me wrong, drugs are great on a certain level. Stims can make you productive when you aren't feeling productive, and hallucinagins can give you a better outlook on life and love. But when moderation is replaced with habit. That's when drugs become a daemon, smthing that controlls your thoughts and behavior.

Yes. I do know exactly what you speak of as I have hurt others with my drug use and in turn been hurt by other's drug use. Just want to highlight what I thought was really the core of what you said. Drugs themselves and occasional use are not the problem, but when these drugs become the focus of our entire lives THAT is the problem.

Here's hoping this time is the last...

 

[Fatjosh]

I know exactly what u mean when u say u look down at that line or pill and u dont want it.. U hate it but the u just shove it down your gullet. I have an oxy habbit that is ruining me i look down at 150mg or roxicodone and think "i have to stop" then i take them anyways...then i snort a few more for good measure. Somtimes i dont feel like i deserve any of the few good things i have in my life because i dont just "try harder".

 

[RedLeader]

But is the rush I get from using these drugs really worth the short lived escape from reality that drugs provide? Of course not, yet I choose to do the things that I know are just a quick and easy burst of dopamine. I choose to ignore the fundamentals my parents have put into my brain, I choose the "wrong thing" even though I'm perfectly aware of the "right thing". Is having fun getting high really fun? Or is it a mechanism for my own self destruction.

It's the whole idea of chasing that first high, or the best one (which is usually early on). We think that a little higher dose, a little better product, a little better setting might bring it back, but it hardly ever does. Sane enough that you're exacting the same result as way back before, but insane enough that you're still expecting a different result from the only one that comes to you now. It's not black-and-white enough to rationalise you to quit.

There's a phrase used to describe oneself when high, "I'm feelin right" they say. But we all know that we are "feeling wrong" so why do we as drug users continue to do the very thing that causes tension in family life, the thing that breaks down relationships in a manner more terrible than murder.

To think of it under and Eastern light, you need to (1) clearly see the wrong in the experience of being high and (2) see the rights in not being high. I stopped using MDMA because after a while, I'd get paranoid and "cracked out." I started enjoying sobriety once I felt healthier.

Don't get me wrong, drugs are great on a certain level. Stims can make you productive when you aren't feeling productive, and hallucinagins can give you a better outlook on life and love. But when moderation is replaced with habit. That's when drugs become a daemon, smthing that controlls your thoughts and behavior.

Right now, there are a lot of drugs that make me think MORE MORE MORE while I am on them, and then there are a few drugs that make me think THIS IS REALLY SPECIAL. For me, the latter only really consists of psychedelics and perhaps MDMA. Anything from the first category is not going to benefit my life in any real way.

As well, and I think that this is very important for people to realise, you don't have to DO drugs consistently to support drug use, legalisation and the like. I support gay rights, for example, but I don't need to have men close to me like that to not feel like a hypocrite. Same goes for the rights of drug-users. Don't think that quitting personal use makes you a hypocrite or any less of a force when you speak up on the topic!