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The Void

CoastTwoCoast

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
5,759
Location
Dancing on the corpses' ashes
What is there to do but drink yourself silly and take drugs when you dread every single time you wake up? My life is nothing but emptiness. I have a few acquaintances I guess. Just guys I can text and see how they're doing, but nothing is really going on in my life right now. Concerts and music keep me around, but even that's not enough anymore.

I went to a gig last night and had a great time, but here I am empty again. You go to a concert, but really it's only a moment in time that goes so fast and you're back to feeling like a miserable piece of shit.

Time goes by soooo slowly. I try to keep alcohol or drugs around as much as possible. Of course there are times I run out and it makes me wish for death more. I notice I'm sick of drinking. I guzzle down beer or wine, it's not even fun because it's out of sadness and I usually just end up falling asleep. The only difference between myself and a bum is I have a roof over my head for now. So as long as I have money, I walk to the store so I can drink. I get the feeling the people who work there look at me like trash. I just get that vibe. Maybe it's only in my mind, but it would be shitty on their part if it's true. I feel like they're rolling their eyes like "Here she comes again."

I'm kinda sick of drinking, but I do it mostly to fill the void. This emptiness that almost never goes away.
 
There is so much more to life, and the same things you're using to pass time are the same things keeping you down making you feel bad, and isolating. It sounds like you need a lifestyle change. I found I was caught in a vicious cycle of miserable when I was drinking heavy, though I couldn't see it at the time. Since I couldn't quit drinking without rehab, I had to slow way down and start going to meetings to meet people and socialize. I also quit drinking alone, and started going to the bar so I could socialize while drinking, and it helped me to drink a little slower. I know this doesn't sound like great advice, but the more frequent human interaction helped get me out of that head space, which ultimately lead to going to rehab, and getting healthy.

When you're home alone try not to focus on the fact that you're alone, try to stay occupied whether it's watching a movie or doing chores. Also, try not to feel that there is something wrong with you and that's why you're alone, I'm betting over time you isolated, and now don't have people you talk to or hang with regularly because your self esteem is shot from using.

Try to focus on other stuff to get out of the rut you're in and things will start to get better, and you'll find you have more people to socialize with than you do now. Alcohol keeps us isolated and distorts perceptions. I wish you the best!
 
U can't judge yourself when u are fucked up all the time..u feel empty because u don't know who u truly are since u are numb all the time from drugs and alcohol..I was hooked on oxy because I had the same mindset u have now..everyday is the same and u think there is nothing to go on for..morbid thoughts take over and suicide doesn't sound so crazy anymore..I believe it's just the mind begging for the pain to stop..u don't really want to die u just don't want to keep living the same life..u have the power to change it..u can be anything

u need to put effort into changing your thinking patterns so u treat yourself
like a friend and not somebody u can't stand to be around..I'm sure u are a good person,I believe everyone has good qualities but negative thinking can put a shadow over them

its not a bad thing to be alone.i like to be alone but of course the lonely feeling can take over sometimes..Try to work on yourself so when u are ready to meet a guy/gal u can be the best version of yourself..have a good day %)
 
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I don't know if you can find it. You have to make it. No one knows what this existence is or why so you are free to make it mean anything you want. Or not. It's all in your hands.

I go back and forth several times each day. Often I want to be dead but since I'm not ready to make that happen there is a "mean time". So in the meantime I try to make the best of what I have here. Some days drugs help and other days it's my dogs and a walk in the sun. Soon enough it will be over no matter what. So I wish for you a somewhat enjoyable meantime.
 
"What shall we use to fill the empty spaces?"

A lot of us have that square-shaped hole in their "soul" which we try to fill, sometimes using drugs, be it alcohol, benzos, opioids, etc. But these all turn out to be round or triangle shaped pegs. They don't really fit. You try to jam them in there but until you find that square shaped thing that fills that hole, you'll continue to feel like this.

Go find your square peg. I've been trying to find mine.
 
Thanks Cosmic Trigger, you're a sweetheart and I know you're struggling too. I wish you the best and hold on as long as you can.

PHIL: That is the most perfect description of doing the wrong things that just don't "fit". That was brilliant. I hope you find your square peg too! Xo
 
You are most welcome. We all seem to be in this together. Our story, like the billions who have disappeared before us will soon be forever lost in time. So let's squeeze whatever joy we can, however we can, from this moment.
 
Thanks Coast, I'm glad it made sense to you because its the best way I have to explain it based on my experience and knowledge.

I hope we all find our square pegs. Sometimes its love, sometimes its changes in work/income, volunteering, etc.

Right now I'm clocking time to try to help Senator Sanders win California. That peg is square shaped beyond any shadow of a doubt.
 
That is the perfect simple way to describe what its like using drugs to fill the void..trying to put a round peg in a square hole ..thanks cosmic
 
You won't find your purpose numbed up. It took me getting clean and I'm still not sure what it is. My carrer is over. I'm basically starting over. But I'm doing it clean and it feels great. I gotta relearn who I am now before I can figure my purpose
 
Sweetyjane77 said:
You won't find your purpose numbed up. It took me getting clean and I'm still not sure what it is. My carrer is over. I'm basically starting over. But I'm doing it clean and it feels great. I gotta relearn who I am now before I can figure my purpose
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Ive done the same thing to get clean and find my purpose. Quit work and school to focus on me now
 
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