MunkE Mc
Bluelighter
this is not mine but i can relate to it, its long but everyone should read it
THE TRUTH ABOUT E
I always said I would never take ecstasy, yet somehow it became my best friend. A best friend that eventually turned nasty and made
me wish we had never met.
In mid 1998 I joined a new cult. The cult of E. I was totally certain that I was enlightened, as was every other ecstasy user. The
unenlightened people could not possibly understand my bliss. I had no problem preaching the cult of E to anybody that would listen and
I even felt sorry for people that had not tried it and had never experienced the magic and euphoria that had become a regular part of my
life. I did not know that I was being seduced into the whole scene, a scene I said I would never be a part of, as it all happened slowly
before it spiralled out of control.
I became so engrossed in this new religion for so long and nothing else mattered except the weekend, which was never long enough. I
so looked forward to getting dressed and going out. I often had ‘warm up’ parties at my place before going out for a big night. I would
dance with my friends for ten or more hours, until I was ready to collapse. This is what I had to look forward to. Who cared about the
rest of the world when I could feel so good. I felt smug in the knowledge that I was one of the lucky ones that got to feel this way. I had
seen the light and wanted to feel this fantastic all the time. I thought that everybody on earth should just take a pill and smile. Then they
would understand! All we needed was love.
My boyfriend "J’ and I would make sure we knew about every rave that was coming up. Not a weekend went by without us taking our
‘medicine’ and we looked forward to it every day, all the while telling each other that they Ecstasy was not addictive, like other drugs
and that we were not dependant on these magic little pills. All we talked about was E. Nothing else could be so interesting. We were
passionate about our pills. We did not want to miss any event and hear about if from somebody else. Nobody was going to stop us from
going off on the weekend! In the beginning we only needed one pill to feel great, but after a while more were needed to obtain the same
effect. Eventually, we never felt really good unless we’d had about three E’s, but that was Ok, because we felt so unreal. Life was just
too good.
We went to a huge rave at the docks. It was J’s first big rave and my sixth, and I was so glad that he was sharing it with me, for I was
the one that opened his eyes to this new faith and thankfully he was now a believer, just like me. I knew he would love it once he tried
it and then he would understand what I had been saying. I told him that this would be a night to remember. As we walked into the
enormous shed hand in hand and waded through the sea of people, I felt so connected to everybody there and I knew I loved J. We had
driven to the docks and the city had looked so beautiful on the way. The lights were so soft and fuzzy. We felt so much love for each
other and the world, and both felt and looked great. There was nowhere I’d rather be. I was home again. I was smiling and feeling
wonderful as we had taken our pills in the car on the way there. We were there to dance and feel the music and feel the love.
Thousands of people were all experiencing the same thing and were looking at us and smiling, moving like one giant organism. They
could all feel it. They were all there for the same reason. To feel good, to feel united. They all moved to the beat, they all looked
beautiful. They all understood.
Who gave a s--- about real life? Once those pills kicked in, there it was. My awesome friend was back. A very welcome friend after a
stressful week. A companion I could rely on. I always missed that magic feeling that made me forget my problems. Oh how I longed to
feel that way all the time. Every weekend we would take our precious E and wait for that amazing feeling of love to wash over us once
again. It was beautiful. It was orgasmic. It was my everything and even better than sex. It gave me so much energy, just like food and
fuel for my soul. There was no better place to be when the music was pumping hard, the lights were flashing and we were doing our
thing on the dance floor or the podium. Nothing else in this universe mattered! No other planet existed. Anything else was just bullshit!
Who cared about work, bills, reality or the outside world? Not me because I was immortal! I was beautiful. The lights were exquisite.
Everybody else was beautiful. They were all special people, just like me and J. They loved me, adored me and I loved them, all the
thousands of people in this room understood me. I could tell them anything and they could share their hopes, fears or pain with me. I
could feel their joy, see it in their eyes, in their smiles. Nothing and nobody could touch me! I could dance forever. I could go harder
than anybody else in the room. We both did. The music is my only reason for existence and everybody here feels the same way. Why
can’t the whole world be like this? I wanted to dance forever.
J and I would leave a club or rave around eight in the morning, but only because that’s usually when the lights came on. We only
stopped when we were physically unable to do any more. Usually we would go on to a ‘day club’ or recovery because we had to keep
dancing. We never wanted to stop. We wanted our money’s worth. We made ‘friends’ with so many wonderful people. We were only
in the middle of our night when most people were going home. Our bones ached, our feet were sore and blistered, our heads were
pounding from the constant abuse and we were chronically tired, but we wanted to feel that good feeling again. That awesome rush we
craved. We wanted to keep dancing, to bond with the crowd, to feel f---ing amazing! We would come home in the afternoon and try to
sleep.
Coming back home was like jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute and landing with an excruciatingly painful thud. Back to
reality. We were supposed to be bonding and sharing love which we did at the start, but in the end I just wanted to be alone. I told him
not to talk to me. I just wanted to hear more music, so I would sit for hours in front of the stereo, only because I could dance no more. J
would sit on the couch feeling unloved and alone while I felt the music. Reality would come creeping back and it was way too hard to
handle. Everything was irritating. People made us paranoid. They were saying nasty things. We no longer felt united. Sleeping was
near impossible although our bodies and minds were crying out for some rest. We can’t turn the music off and even when we do, we
can still hear it thumping in our heads. Eating is impossible and everything tastes like cardboard anyway. Even chewing food was
painful after grinding our teeth for hours. It’s all ugly and life is just too hard. Everyone can just f--- off. Nobody understands a thing
about me. Nobody knows anything. The world is evil. Reality sucks.
I often had bad comedowns and could not stop crying or shaking. Once I lapsed into a four hour ‘coma’ but eventually woke up. J
thought I had turned into a vegetable. This did not stop us from going out the following weekend. A friend of ours was admitted to
hospital for taking too many E’s in one night. He was delusional. Had no idea what was real and what was just a bad trip. We told him
he should stop because he was out of control, not like us…. He’s still doing it but now takes on average five pills a week. During this
time we started to hate the whole scene, but could not stop doing it again and again . Ecstasy had taken over. It was our God, our
reason for existence. We were in deep and there was no going back. The smiles began to look like leers. The ‘friends’ that loved us
were really tragic people that we did not want to know. We told each other it was s--- only because we got the wrong pills. Next time
we’ll take the green ones and it will be a great night. Our brains were crying out for a rest, but we didn’t listen. We would have a sleep
in the evenings, so exhausted we could hardly walk without pain, and force ourselves to wake around 1.30am, then take a pill and go
out again. Sometimes we had to go out to get rid of pills that we had bought but could not afford to keep. I told myself I did not have a
problem because I knew what I was doing. I was in control.
My house was being auctioned in a few weeks. This was too devastating too think about, so I blurred the pain with more pills. I
blamed everybody else for my predicament. I had lived there for five years and was very happy and comfortable. I had no plans to sell,
but I just let it happen. I was never late with a mortgage payment. I had just left my stressful job without another one to go to. How did I
get to this point? Who cares that I had nowhere else to go? I told myself I didn’t care.
Reality was way too hard and besides, it was boring as hell. Who needed reality when we had such a wonderful fantasy life? The bills
were all overdue but we didn’t care. We just ignored them. It would all be ok. J lost his job but that was Ok. I was about to lose my
house, but that was Ok. We continued to party every weekend. We both looked like s--- from lack of proper food and no sleep, but we
thought we still looked beautiful. People told me I was getting too thin, but I didn’t listen. They were just jealous. Sometimes reality
was just too much too repulsive to bear. Sometimes we had no money for food, but who needed a full fridge when we had our soul
food? A spare $50 always went on the important things - our pills. We began buying in bulk and sold pills to our friends. Our friends
we also enlightened. We didn’t worry about getting caught selling drugs in a club. We always made sure to buy stuff that was tried and
tested. That way we knew we would be ‘safe’.
On new years eve we went to an outdoor rave and became enlightened for the first time. J had convinced me that the pills were not
harmful. He had a chemistry degree, so he would know, right? I kept trying to tell him I was sick of it all. I was unhappy. We had not
had a good weekend for months, but we kept doing it. We would argue for days after a big night, because we were always coming
down. We made each other paranoid. We loved each other but were in so much pain and weakened physically and spiritually from all
the self abuse. He would not listen to me and I wanted to believe him when he said that we did not have a problem. Everyone else was
doing it, so why stop? We stayed at this outdoor party for two nights and I felt it was a very purging and healing time. Our eyes were
finally opened. I was trying to express how tragic it all was, how we were escaping reality and not coping with the real world because
we wanted to live this E fantasy. I met a girl that day and we were talking about how harsh the sun can be. How dangerous it was. We
both compared how pale we were. She stretched out her arm to compare it to mine and I could see the pain and self hatred in her eyes.
Her inner arm and wrist was covered in deep slashes that I knew were self inflicted. I took it as a sign. I did not say anything about it
but I felt so sad and so sorry for her and I also knew why she was there. She was just like me and J and a lot of other people. We were
all trying to slowly kill ourselves, without even realising it. All trying to find out how much abuse the mind and body can take. How
much can we take before we crack?
In the morning I looked at J and did not even recognise him. Here was the man I loved with all my heart, who always looked so
beautiful to me and I had to look again, in broad daylight, to make sure it was him. His eyes looked sunken and desperate, he was so
thin and unhealthy looking. This wasn’t the man I love, this was some stranger. I did not know this person. We had not eaten or slept in
days. He was staring at me. He was horrified at what he saw. I could see it in his eyes. I resembled a scarecrow. I looked like shit. I
thought I looked good. We looked like two tragic druggies.
We were very lucky to have each other though this whole journey. We forced each other to finally see the truth and face our own ugly
reality. This was not an easy process or a smooth ride! I am just glad that we have overcome this soul destroying passion and that we
have managed to stay together and love with a clear head and with our feet on the ground. I do not regret anything because this has
made me who I am. Life is all about learning and I have learnt a hell of a lot. I have no problem with people taking E, this is just about
my personal experience and it is something I have learnt a lot from and now it is time to move on. The most important lessons we learn
are usually the most painful ones. I lost control of my life and that is a scary thing. Our sanity is all we have. Once that is gone, how can
we survive? It was like I was blindfolded for so long and finally the blindfold was removed, but only after I reached my lowest point. I
never want to feel so lost and out of control again. I would like people to read this and just be aware of the reasons they are doing it
and ask themselves if this is what they really want.
PC
------------------
"My god has a bigger dick than your god." -George Carlin
THE TRUTH ABOUT E
I always said I would never take ecstasy, yet somehow it became my best friend. A best friend that eventually turned nasty and made
me wish we had never met.
In mid 1998 I joined a new cult. The cult of E. I was totally certain that I was enlightened, as was every other ecstasy user. The
unenlightened people could not possibly understand my bliss. I had no problem preaching the cult of E to anybody that would listen and
I even felt sorry for people that had not tried it and had never experienced the magic and euphoria that had become a regular part of my
life. I did not know that I was being seduced into the whole scene, a scene I said I would never be a part of, as it all happened slowly
before it spiralled out of control.
I became so engrossed in this new religion for so long and nothing else mattered except the weekend, which was never long enough. I
so looked forward to getting dressed and going out. I often had ‘warm up’ parties at my place before going out for a big night. I would
dance with my friends for ten or more hours, until I was ready to collapse. This is what I had to look forward to. Who cared about the
rest of the world when I could feel so good. I felt smug in the knowledge that I was one of the lucky ones that got to feel this way. I had
seen the light and wanted to feel this fantastic all the time. I thought that everybody on earth should just take a pill and smile. Then they
would understand! All we needed was love.
My boyfriend "J’ and I would make sure we knew about every rave that was coming up. Not a weekend went by without us taking our
‘medicine’ and we looked forward to it every day, all the while telling each other that they Ecstasy was not addictive, like other drugs
and that we were not dependant on these magic little pills. All we talked about was E. Nothing else could be so interesting. We were
passionate about our pills. We did not want to miss any event and hear about if from somebody else. Nobody was going to stop us from
going off on the weekend! In the beginning we only needed one pill to feel great, but after a while more were needed to obtain the same
effect. Eventually, we never felt really good unless we’d had about three E’s, but that was Ok, because we felt so unreal. Life was just
too good.
We went to a huge rave at the docks. It was J’s first big rave and my sixth, and I was so glad that he was sharing it with me, for I was
the one that opened his eyes to this new faith and thankfully he was now a believer, just like me. I knew he would love it once he tried
it and then he would understand what I had been saying. I told him that this would be a night to remember. As we walked into the
enormous shed hand in hand and waded through the sea of people, I felt so connected to everybody there and I knew I loved J. We had
driven to the docks and the city had looked so beautiful on the way. The lights were so soft and fuzzy. We felt so much love for each
other and the world, and both felt and looked great. There was nowhere I’d rather be. I was home again. I was smiling and feeling
wonderful as we had taken our pills in the car on the way there. We were there to dance and feel the music and feel the love.
Thousands of people were all experiencing the same thing and were looking at us and smiling, moving like one giant organism. They
could all feel it. They were all there for the same reason. To feel good, to feel united. They all moved to the beat, they all looked
beautiful. They all understood.
Who gave a s--- about real life? Once those pills kicked in, there it was. My awesome friend was back. A very welcome friend after a
stressful week. A companion I could rely on. I always missed that magic feeling that made me forget my problems. Oh how I longed to
feel that way all the time. Every weekend we would take our precious E and wait for that amazing feeling of love to wash over us once
again. It was beautiful. It was orgasmic. It was my everything and even better than sex. It gave me so much energy, just like food and
fuel for my soul. There was no better place to be when the music was pumping hard, the lights were flashing and we were doing our
thing on the dance floor or the podium. Nothing else in this universe mattered! No other planet existed. Anything else was just bullshit!
Who cared about work, bills, reality or the outside world? Not me because I was immortal! I was beautiful. The lights were exquisite.
Everybody else was beautiful. They were all special people, just like me and J. They loved me, adored me and I loved them, all the
thousands of people in this room understood me. I could tell them anything and they could share their hopes, fears or pain with me. I
could feel their joy, see it in their eyes, in their smiles. Nothing and nobody could touch me! I could dance forever. I could go harder
than anybody else in the room. We both did. The music is my only reason for existence and everybody here feels the same way. Why
can’t the whole world be like this? I wanted to dance forever.
J and I would leave a club or rave around eight in the morning, but only because that’s usually when the lights came on. We only
stopped when we were physically unable to do any more. Usually we would go on to a ‘day club’ or recovery because we had to keep
dancing. We never wanted to stop. We wanted our money’s worth. We made ‘friends’ with so many wonderful people. We were only
in the middle of our night when most people were going home. Our bones ached, our feet were sore and blistered, our heads were
pounding from the constant abuse and we were chronically tired, but we wanted to feel that good feeling again. That awesome rush we
craved. We wanted to keep dancing, to bond with the crowd, to feel f---ing amazing! We would come home in the afternoon and try to
sleep.
Coming back home was like jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute and landing with an excruciatingly painful thud. Back to
reality. We were supposed to be bonding and sharing love which we did at the start, but in the end I just wanted to be alone. I told him
not to talk to me. I just wanted to hear more music, so I would sit for hours in front of the stereo, only because I could dance no more. J
would sit on the couch feeling unloved and alone while I felt the music. Reality would come creeping back and it was way too hard to
handle. Everything was irritating. People made us paranoid. They were saying nasty things. We no longer felt united. Sleeping was
near impossible although our bodies and minds were crying out for some rest. We can’t turn the music off and even when we do, we
can still hear it thumping in our heads. Eating is impossible and everything tastes like cardboard anyway. Even chewing food was
painful after grinding our teeth for hours. It’s all ugly and life is just too hard. Everyone can just f--- off. Nobody understands a thing
about me. Nobody knows anything. The world is evil. Reality sucks.
I often had bad comedowns and could not stop crying or shaking. Once I lapsed into a four hour ‘coma’ but eventually woke up. J
thought I had turned into a vegetable. This did not stop us from going out the following weekend. A friend of ours was admitted to
hospital for taking too many E’s in one night. He was delusional. Had no idea what was real and what was just a bad trip. We told him
he should stop because he was out of control, not like us…. He’s still doing it but now takes on average five pills a week. During this
time we started to hate the whole scene, but could not stop doing it again and again . Ecstasy had taken over. It was our God, our
reason for existence. We were in deep and there was no going back. The smiles began to look like leers. The ‘friends’ that loved us
were really tragic people that we did not want to know. We told each other it was s--- only because we got the wrong pills. Next time
we’ll take the green ones and it will be a great night. Our brains were crying out for a rest, but we didn’t listen. We would have a sleep
in the evenings, so exhausted we could hardly walk without pain, and force ourselves to wake around 1.30am, then take a pill and go
out again. Sometimes we had to go out to get rid of pills that we had bought but could not afford to keep. I told myself I did not have a
problem because I knew what I was doing. I was in control.
My house was being auctioned in a few weeks. This was too devastating too think about, so I blurred the pain with more pills. I
blamed everybody else for my predicament. I had lived there for five years and was very happy and comfortable. I had no plans to sell,
but I just let it happen. I was never late with a mortgage payment. I had just left my stressful job without another one to go to. How did I
get to this point? Who cares that I had nowhere else to go? I told myself I didn’t care.
Reality was way too hard and besides, it was boring as hell. Who needed reality when we had such a wonderful fantasy life? The bills
were all overdue but we didn’t care. We just ignored them. It would all be ok. J lost his job but that was Ok. I was about to lose my
house, but that was Ok. We continued to party every weekend. We both looked like s--- from lack of proper food and no sleep, but we
thought we still looked beautiful. People told me I was getting too thin, but I didn’t listen. They were just jealous. Sometimes reality
was just too much too repulsive to bear. Sometimes we had no money for food, but who needed a full fridge when we had our soul
food? A spare $50 always went on the important things - our pills. We began buying in bulk and sold pills to our friends. Our friends
we also enlightened. We didn’t worry about getting caught selling drugs in a club. We always made sure to buy stuff that was tried and
tested. That way we knew we would be ‘safe’.
On new years eve we went to an outdoor rave and became enlightened for the first time. J had convinced me that the pills were not
harmful. He had a chemistry degree, so he would know, right? I kept trying to tell him I was sick of it all. I was unhappy. We had not
had a good weekend for months, but we kept doing it. We would argue for days after a big night, because we were always coming
down. We made each other paranoid. We loved each other but were in so much pain and weakened physically and spiritually from all
the self abuse. He would not listen to me and I wanted to believe him when he said that we did not have a problem. Everyone else was
doing it, so why stop? We stayed at this outdoor party for two nights and I felt it was a very purging and healing time. Our eyes were
finally opened. I was trying to express how tragic it all was, how we were escaping reality and not coping with the real world because
we wanted to live this E fantasy. I met a girl that day and we were talking about how harsh the sun can be. How dangerous it was. We
both compared how pale we were. She stretched out her arm to compare it to mine and I could see the pain and self hatred in her eyes.
Her inner arm and wrist was covered in deep slashes that I knew were self inflicted. I took it as a sign. I did not say anything about it
but I felt so sad and so sorry for her and I also knew why she was there. She was just like me and J and a lot of other people. We were
all trying to slowly kill ourselves, without even realising it. All trying to find out how much abuse the mind and body can take. How
much can we take before we crack?
In the morning I looked at J and did not even recognise him. Here was the man I loved with all my heart, who always looked so
beautiful to me and I had to look again, in broad daylight, to make sure it was him. His eyes looked sunken and desperate, he was so
thin and unhealthy looking. This wasn’t the man I love, this was some stranger. I did not know this person. We had not eaten or slept in
days. He was staring at me. He was horrified at what he saw. I could see it in his eyes. I resembled a scarecrow. I looked like shit. I
thought I looked good. We looked like two tragic druggies.
We were very lucky to have each other though this whole journey. We forced each other to finally see the truth and face our own ugly
reality. This was not an easy process or a smooth ride! I am just glad that we have overcome this soul destroying passion and that we
have managed to stay together and love with a clear head and with our feet on the ground. I do not regret anything because this has
made me who I am. Life is all about learning and I have learnt a hell of a lot. I have no problem with people taking E, this is just about
my personal experience and it is something I have learnt a lot from and now it is time to move on. The most important lessons we learn
are usually the most painful ones. I lost control of my life and that is a scary thing. Our sanity is all we have. Once that is gone, how can
we survive? It was like I was blindfolded for so long and finally the blindfold was removed, but only after I reached my lowest point. I
never want to feel so lost and out of control again. I would like people to read this and just be aware of the reasons they are doing it
and ask themselves if this is what they really want.
PC
------------------
"My god has a bigger dick than your god." -George Carlin
