the things you leave behind

[Raz]

like a slow-burning corpse
take your boxer's stance then
against the ravaging fires
that devour you inside out
i'll stand darkly by
and try not to gag
on the stench of your charnel failure
this time and again
every other time
till your house comes down
your face no longer brave
your bones calcine ash
and your dreams
half-remembered
with half-nostalgia
and always the strongest scent
of loss.

(editted to change a couple of words here and thar)

 

[Mehm]

nice yang piece. i wonder if this is talking about a single person, a system or both?

 

[Jabberwocky]

i always enjoy your work Raz. When i read this line:

and try not to gag
on the stench of your charcoal failure

i mentally replace charcoal failure with charnel. I am curious as well as to what the impetus was for this.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Oooh.. passionate.. fierce. Intense piece. I enjoyed.

 

[(Wordy)]

I like. It's short, sharp, and has real heat to it.

 

[L O V E L I F E]

Excellent economy of words.

Great piece.

 

[up all night]

Excellent economy of words.

Great piece.

Yep.

 

[Raz]

i mentally replace charcoal failure with charnel. I am curious as well as to what the impetus was for this.

Charnel, I like that! Thusly stolen..

I have been reading heaps about forensics and serial killers/cannibals and so on lately, and so the imagery is bleeding into my brain a bit I think....thanks for comments peeps!

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

interesting rhythm !

 

[kazza_baby]

A got a strange sense of enjoyment out of this one.

I like .

 

[(Wordy)]

The minor changes have really improved it, Raz. Really looking forward to hearing you read this one, hopefully in the not-too-distant future.

 

[leiphos]

This is really great. I love the sense of things being eaten out from within. However, I feel like the end could be improved. I feel like the poem wanders into abstractions in the last four lines. I love the images of the ash bones right before. That could be the ending. End this one on a powerful image of something destroyed and consumed methinks. The reader will understand because your imagery is so strong; no need for you to explain anything.