^If you are concerned get your heart checked out but the primary physical symptom of anxiety that I have is tension around my heart. Feels like I have a broken heart. It's all in your head almost for sure but worth a checkup. I think there is a recognized medical thing where you are so romantically sad that you get that feeling, anything can lead to it any sort of stress or sadness. It could be anything but judging from the drugs, I think you're good but if you didn't get an ecg or whatever def get one. I had to for medical pot my heart is fine and I still feel that a lot and without benzos or weed, absolutely because my anxiety is so much worse. Dude you're just anxious and early 20's is when mental illness starts to come out pretty often. That is when life started to become a problem for me. The self medication sort of stopped working and I moved onto drugs that helped me feel not-fucked-up, like the opposite of before. Before that I was a huge stoner working in high tech, had a house, a car, a girl, tons of money and now I may as well be on the damned streets. I have a roof over my head and a computer and most of the time some food. It doesn't matter, if I had any self confidence or initiative left I could get a job in a week. I can't bring myself to apply. You probably have triggered some mental illnesses like for sure so I'd worry way more about that because they never go away. I have had that damned god forsaken feeling in my chest for 8 years feels like it's in a vice grip it is hell. Always during times of extreme anxiety and panic and no other time.
Dude you just make me want to smoke cigs more now lol. Cigs make me physically ill though unless it was the rolling tobacco I liked that stuff. Sounds like you're talking about pot too I feel they are very similar addictions. I cannot stop myself from compulsively ripping bong and I am in constant need of some type of drug stimulation. I'm not sure why I'm just way more productive and happier on drugs, it wasn't always that way. Guess I got addicted. I didn't used to be on drugs 24/7 and I really miss those days. This has nothing whatsoever with me desiring a feeling, it seems backwards. I'm fucked up, I was fucked with as a kid, I was fucked with as a teenager, I was fucked with throughout my 20's and I am sick of being fucked with.
Aha dude you sound so much like me, I'm only laughing because I woke up in the middle of the night after passing on from xanax fuck knows when. I noticed this year upon quitting opiates that my gaba system is indeed fried. It seems like the opiates were compensating for that, but I used H because it is the best drug and I happened to need one for back pain and got addicted in my opinion psychologically from the 3rd or 4th dose - the one that got me high the first time. It took like 2 years to actually be sick as fuck to the point I wanted to die without it though.
I say these things then wonder why I still don't feel right. Well, it sucks because since I don't feel right I can't really take care of myself as well and the better I take care of myself the faster I might catch a smile or a kiss or something other than damned bags of pills and weed. I don't even want to smoke weed. In the beginning it's not like it made my life any better, in fact ever since I started up again my life has been noticeably getting progressively worse and I've been further distancing myself from society. Weed can fuck people up. Seems like you know that. To me, weed is nothing but an addition - a hit to avoid withdrawal symptoms that are mostly physical, like the total inability to eat food or sleep. I smoke too frequently to feel a different just make sure to chain smoke bong rips well on the hour latest and then get more. It is very obviously the pot some things and I could use without the stupid pest but I'm stuck on the trash so I may as well enjoy the smoke plus I just freak out and get suicidal for a while when I stop and I can't go through that withdrawal right now because I'm already that way it's dangerous and I get crazy impulsive for a while but yeah after 6 months I was chill for 2 and a half years weed free with chronic pain and panic disorder. I do not need it. I'm so addicted to it that a lot of people honestly would probably be shocked I mean with a constant supply of chronic high grade and not a lot of the world has that to binge on. It gets me train wrecked more than any other drug I use too because the other ones I have more respect for since I know they can kill me and I need to keep my supply in check. I've been trying to quit weed since May then decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I can't quit and it does nothing for me but hurt. It fucking sucks and nobody understands except the most hardcore stoners who will admit it is addictive and can fuck you up. There are still benefits to it, I get high and feel less anxious. I can't quit though and it sucks when it isn't a realistic option anymore.
What you said about the coke and the short circuit yeah that's how I feel. Probably from all the acid and Mdma and other stuff I no longer have any interest in as they get you high. Feels weird saying that but I also hate sativa weed now. It makes my thoughts scatters and creative and well, useless. I like heavy indica weed now. It's like constantly having a mild panic attack, and then occasionally having extreme ones. I find the weed is just as necessary as the benzos for me to function I hate that I need it though it's expensive in a lot of ways. The benzos I require at this point, I fried myself unbelievably looking back. Like wtf was I thinking I'm going to die now and just recently entered my 30's. I don't think my tombstone should say 30 years it's not like I have been a fuckup this time either. I excelled in school, etc, I just don't think I should have to die at 30 when my life is just getting started after all that work. Well I was functional and I think I remember like I had problems but I was still happy until the back injury and then while the opiates were working. They stopped working after 5 - 6 years. Had never went passed partying on M or binging a little on coke but when that happened and I eventually became interested in opiates and eventually started having panic attacks it was game over. Dead man walking.
Yeah I don't know what's going on with me and girls at the moment. I used to be real cheerful and happy to see attractive ones to me anywhere. Well, at least I would talk to them naturally and casually if I encountered one and had to, haha. I don't do that anymore, I don't really speak to people anymore or straight up tell them to fuck off if they are trying to start a conversation with me and being in any way pushy, but I think that has more to do with how this is the worst time of my life. I no longer am interested or try with females at all even just for fun. I ignore them, am a ghost to them and I'm haunting myself. I guess I realized the the type of romance I would like is more a fantasy than a reality and I have been weeded out by them, so that every girl intuitively knows to stay the fuck away from me even if it's subconscious. They want to hurt me. Skipping family birthdays, weddings every time now. How I hate my life so much I am imploding. How much I hate my life. How many different ways in which I hate my life. How I despise my past for the wasted potential it had, and how I do not look forward to continuing to suffer. I think with the right things in place my situation wouldn't be so bad. It is being broke as fuck on top of an addiction that can kill me, for example. There are so many examples point is everything builds up for so long that you forget who you originally were.
Yeah the way you speak of coke, it is a shame it comes with such a crash when you go a binge haha. So that is an occasional thing for me. It's not my drug because of the severe crash. To be honest and it is kinda scary saying that because I know weed isn't my drug either. Weed to me is a pest I got hooked on, I see it probably the same way a cigarette smoker. All it does is harm my wallet and health and slow me down but I can't function without it because I got addicted. I have been off it for 3 years, and am obviously more stable then. Not at first but after 6 months. H and snow together is what I crave these days and where my money would go if I had any. I would need to be able to function to have a job and that is my way.
See now I'm stoned man and I feel worse than before. The stomach tightness and bloating is gone, and suddenly I am starving so it's all a 15 year on/off progressing addiction but mentally I feel like my day is done. I feel a lot dumber as much as I seem to like smoking the stuff. I think that I should quit but like I said I've tried so many times and relapse is so damn easy and it seems to be like a split personality too and I hate the other me now - unlike opiates it seems to be an 100% guarantee that I will smoke once and continue non stop. I imagine cocaine or cigarettes would be like that too. With opiates I've fucked around with codeine a few times, you have to try a little harder to relapse I feel. It's way more dangerous though. The biggest issue of all, is that I am depressed to the point that I am no longer capable of doing anything at all that makes me happy. I haven't been able to leave my place to walk around the block. I only ever go anywhere if I absolutely need to, and I feel like I'm exploring a world of aliens. There are clear signs of psychosis from the extreme stress and pain, and also the way I naturally think, combined with drugs tampering with that. I feel like I'm losing my mind simply put. Or that I already have. Just where the fuck did my life go and if this was like a 2 year addiction then sure. I'd have a chance if I was younger but how the fuck did it go on for 6 years and those were honestly the most important years of my life. School was a breeze for me and those years were the ones meant to establish my career, not establish myself as a junkie. But, it was easy to get away with mental illness in university. People just thought I was good cause I had super high marks and didn't really do anything but smoke weed and skip class. I had good jobs because of my qualifications but nothing ever stuck because, well, I am junkie scum so I just stopped trying and really it's the chronic pain discrimination too. I'd work for 2 or close to 3 months, then be fired without cause after finally getting into the routine. I'm done. I am a chill guy I don't know why it had to be like this.