Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[ShroomySatori]

^Hey thanks. I'm okay, picking up momentum fairly quickly.

There is a powerful inner change that comes quickly is the fiery spirit once again takes residence in my body. That inner radiance that shines, is like a contagious positivity and one of my most positive attributes. I can light up a room with my smile (or ruin a night in the blink of an eye).

This is the change that is most important to me by far, and this change has already occurred. I am once again feeling like myself, apart from some depressive disturbances. Which I have anyway. My chronic pain is worse than ever, it always is like that when I get out of acute withdrawal. That will improve, and that is the main withdrawal problem right now. My chronic pain is excruciating as withdrawal stressed me out very much but I was suffering too much to be bothered by spinal pain in cold turkey. At least I haven't been laying around in bed and getting that discipline going. This time, I have forced myself to at least stay physically active as the 3 weeks to a month it takes for my brain to be able to do much of anything productive to pass.

The long term changes might take a few months / years but really just take things day by day, keep in mind dreams for the future while keeping busy in the present and I should be able to bounce back. I have lots of potential: the potential to be very creative with music, the potential to have an amazing romance, the potential to have a good career, the potential to have a healthy body even if there is pain. There is so much unrealized potential to lose that it makes me very anxious. I returned to yoga this year. It wouldn't have happened without the relapse and I went 17 times in a month while at my worst detox, so I am proud of that it wasn't easy and made a world of difference since now that I am clean, I have that structure in my life. It is like a support system in a way, but much more than that too.

Also, there are plenty of attractive women who work there and at least a few seem to have no qualms with getting to know me as I naturally talk to cute women when I'm freshly baked and in a good mood. One of them better notice me soon... lol. It is a matter of 'which hot blonde yoga stoner chick is single and thinks I am cute' type of thing as one of the 4 ladies said it was nice to see me but I was stoned and forget who, all of them were being extra friendly with me as I left hehe. That part of yoga is silly, I mean I don't even go there to get fit, but I am getting toned and flexible, body feels lighter. I was going there to regain a sense of discipline in my life and enduring the classes in acute withdrawal as what is now perceived as discomfort, was a distraction from the symptoms a couple weeks ago. I was always leaving totally exhausted, and that slowly isn't the case anymore.

I'm having fun there though, sharing chill ambient tunes with one of the teachers n stuff. It is a safe space, like the one mall is to me.

Opiate withdrawal messes with my head and makes me want to kill myself, hopelessness, crying spells, stuff like that at times. It will pass, I'm becoming much more positive like last time. It was becoming contagious to those around me. My back really hurts now as I just came out of acute withdrawals and it is always like that. Well, better fucking kick in soon natural endorphins cause this hurts like hell. As usual, there is too much discomfort to feel the back pain for the first couple weeks.

 

[ErrorFairy]

Slow tapers work very well for other types of drugs. I was told by my PM Group that their policy as of May 1, is any patient who is scripted opiates /opioids could take benzos concurrently from any source. There was a very large study published in March showing a 4times higher risk of death from the combination of drugs than either used separately.

I had been taking between .5 to .25 of Xanax at night for early waking for 10 years. I can deal with my anxiety during the day but at night....awful! At that dose, it didn't make sense to change to a longer lasting benzo, as Ashton suggests and my shrink didn't feel that I was at risk for seizures if I cold turkeyed it. Still wasn't happy about any risk on seizures.

So started with a reduction to .25 for 2 weeks. At 3weeks, I asked to be scripted for .25 so I could break the pills. I then went to half for another 3 weeks then started alternating nights. Since I was taking basically crumbs by two weeks ago, I wonder how much was a placebo effect? I jumped and have been benzo free for a week and a half.

Even at that small amount, I did have some symptoms-a foggiest after I dropped the dose and poor, limited sleep. Mild generalized anxiety. My sleep cycle is still screwed up-I wake up at 2:30 or 3am and can't fall back asleep. Most of the herbal alternatives aren't designed to keep you asleep so melatonin etc doesn't really help. And I don't want to create another problem by starting to use any of the prescription sleep drugs.

So TL:dr : benzo withdrawal from a low once a day dose can be done by 50% reduction of dosage over time. Talk to a dr. First!

In the moment it may seem like life is ruined beyond repair. I can tell you that I am living proof that this is not so. I find it helpful to focus on the exact moment that I am in. Be Here Now. Here Now Be. Now Be Here. As long as in this exact moment you are doing the best you can then you are all good mate. As I'm sure you are aware so much can change in such a short time and MUCH can change over the long haul, especially with small victories every day (doing the right thing in this exact moment over and over again).

Whatever has happened to make you feel this way can be overcome.

Why 30?

I have to say that 31 has been my favorite year in this physical realm so far.

I have been through the opiate withdrawals, it gets better.

I love you. Stay well.

That girl at the mall is so hot, although I shall hold no attachment to the idea of any one female. She is very sexy, and let me try on her necklace. I wear it on my arm. She has triple piercings too and we match, she is tall, with long straight brunette hair and has an attractive dark but beatific aura about her. It is best not to think of her until we next meet, and to only go to the place where she works when I feel like it. She is quite the... yeah she is cute. But she is hot, too. Crazy hot.

I am having a jolly trip on 2c-d. Systematically reviewing attachments and aversions and untying the knots through logic. Talking to my awareness interested friend and he is telling me I a am tornado of self awareness. There is sure a lot of chaos in this cosmic lens, that is for sure. I'm sure whatever it is that sees life through my eyes is enjoying the pleasure and pain of it all.

It's not really flirting I just chat with them but it is simultaneously. There are none of those thoughts really I just go about meeting people. I can sense energies. I like the energy of this girl, ran into her 3 times in the past 6 weeks. Never forgot. Was focussing on a memory of her earlier... a mental picture kind of... and energy was radiating out of my body. All of this is has been healing as through the practice of awareness and using the tools of the mind it is possible to rid oneself of toxic energies, attachments, aversions, and love oneself wholly. At that point, love will be attracted in life as opposed to pain. Although nothing exists but the present moment, this present moment has been shaped by years of lack of awareness, selfishness, neglect, and suffering of the body and mind. The skin much be shed. I like to change my appearance and if I hadn't done that, I don't think I would have her attention now. It wasn't meant to happen, but it did. I needed to disinfect my ear, but we ended up holding up everyone in line and I won't continue on. The karma should not be fucked with through attachment to memories of past experiences. That can create expectatons, after all. I just like her she's fucking HOT and tall and her hair and skin and all these cute features that tantlaize me. lol. Time to get to aversion... I've been avoiding that lol. I'm not as aversive as I was before. I tend to hold attachments. I don't know if I even have one to opiates anymore. I think I have a connection to them - an energy if you will - that may never leave. But I hold no attachment to anything that they do to me. I am aversive to the suffering that they caused me. Now time to move on to another knot and untie it.

I like me. What would life be like without a little chronic relapsing and staying up all night working on 2c-d, anyway. An overdose scare when I didn't know my oxy tolerance on just 30mg. Whoever is observing this... watching me... lol. I don't mean other spirits although I suppose that I do. Whoever is experience this, similar energies are fundamentally flowing. Must be silly energy about me, maybe the cute entity is something that was created to keep me from being lonely lol. There are likely many spirits about me, I have seen their faces. I don't claim to know what that means. I do want a girl who is hot and cute, creative and organized and communicative in ways that I am not. The general idea. I am a funny creature, adventurer, creative, and attractive person. I am figuring out where I fit in. Getting into trouble constantly, used to never get away with it now I always do. Definitely belong with a fox. There is no question about that. I know which one I like most but I shall hold no thought to such matters. The potential energy is there. Maybe run my own business with a team of friends or a lover and help others. I do drugs in stints and go through withdrawal but I am no longer addicted. There's likely to be some devious or mysterious or suspicious to others about me throughout life, but I know that I am a good person.

50mg 2c-d + buying a bong and smoking anything other than joints since beginning time. There are negative tendencies. I don't even know what to say. There has to be a balance of energies, of course. My energy is anywhere from very low to very high frequency, and the amplitude can very tremendously as well. T It is chaotic, but there is also balance. The way it is balanced is crazy. Sort of why I know that I am attracted for female creatures into my daily meanderings, although holding no attachment to any one of them yet. Then that connection can be a happy one. There can be harmony, resonance, and there can be noise. The waves should be interpreted in a way that provides little interference, so that the message is received without too much background chatter.

?????

 

[ErrorFairy]

Oh I'm getting through it. Honestly it's not bad after taking literal crumbs for years I feel stupid not doing this sooner. I'm feeling new pains. The benzos help for now but not much. I'm only taking a half a .5 now was taking less before this. Luckily I never took anything as prescribed

 

[ShroomySatori]

Feeling like I am shit out of luck.

Physically feeling great though I am still into daily yoga and have been since the first week I got clean again. Well, I have gone 18 times so far. I am getting into phenomenal shape again despite the chronic pain, I make sure to keep my core engaged and careful to protect it. The movement might help eventually with the pain. Surprised it isn't aggravating my chronic pain it might help that down the road. I feel like I am shit out of luck in life but practicing that daily is at least adding a little discipline to my life. Exhausting but that is one of the only things that makes me feel good. I feel a little high and mellowed out without having had a hit after some intensive yoga. I went today and it was great, I really have a crush on one of the receptionists there. She is beautiful and we like each other but it is one of those things to forget about. That has been quite a while since I have had a crush on someone but yeah I'm just depressed. She is just a chill girl who I like to talk to but I don't like how I am feeling so scatterbrained my communication ability is still awful, but she is very kind. No matter what I find myself struggling and sad. I think for me, getting better and living a healthy life starts with getting really fit like this and yoga has a lot of benefits to me in general. Wish I could find peace but it is not happening. I do not need much to be happy.

 

[JahSEEuS]

You seem to be on the right track. I'm sure there's more to it that is making you feel shit out of luck, and in that regard I hope it all works out. The yoga is a great thing and even better that there are beautiful people that share your interests an engage with you in your daily life. The structure of exercising regularly is a great thing for getting through the early parts of WD and setting yourself up for future success.

It seems you have many things to be proud of, what sort of music do you make?

Peace will come. Love yourself and the rest will follow.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Opiates are not really in the picture right now. When I'm not using, I recover within a few weeks and cravings are minimal, typically it's a random impulse and I'm high before I can think straight. It doesn't really get any better after that, there is just the disaster.

I live with profound sorrow, I am depressed more often than not. Sometimes I am burnt out, too indifferent to care enough to think. Other times I am so deeply distraught that I will be in tears for a long time. There is more to it than that, I am acutely aware of why I am so sad. At this point, I would rather feel the sadness and die who I am. There isn't much time left, anyway.

I don't have any self confidence whatsoever. I do have a lot to be proud of. I sell myself short, the definition of a waste of potential that I built up for over 20 years and then threw away. One reason I have trouble ending my life intentionally and not accidentally is that I do enjoy my own company when I am alone. I like myself I hate my life situation. I do have confidence though, fucking tons of it, but I can't figure out how to go about things with women and that is enough to take every last little bit of faith in myself down the drain. Shit starts to haunts you after 15 years of almost always being lonely / single. I can't take it anymore, being who I am but having stupid fucking social skills and no motivation all of this infuriates me. This life I have is the fucking exact opposite of what I want it to be, and I can't take another damn minute of it I am about to fucking SNAP.

I have a youtube channel with some tunes on it, I am too depressed to talk about music right now. I play with my brother he is a musician too. I am definitely proud of getting into daily hot yoga it's exhausting and not easy with chronic pain. But at the end of the day I am too shy to apply for a job or ask a girl out. Having a strong sense of self awareness, and being content with the person I am just makes it worse as the days go by and I'm too isolated to do anything. I feel trapped. I hate my life I don't hate myself. I hate my current life situation so much, I am so damn stuck, that it is worth it in my mind to stick a needle in my arm and end it at this point. I just see the fallen potential, and how as I age, the potential is going to continue to decrease until there is nothing left. I'd rather get out now and be known as someone who had a lot of potential in life but died of drugs, I would be the only one to know it was out of loneliness and a suicide, and it would just be a better way to go in my mind then to wait 10 years and be that 40 year old junkie who never got around to being a young professional and sticking with it. Because people would definitely say that I could have turned my life around, that there was still time. But there's not.

One day I'll stop posting here and you'll know. That's just how it goes. This lifetime has tormented the fuck out of me and I was fucked before I ever did heroin. So, there isn't really a 'recovery' there is going back to how sad I was before all the same. All I would have to do is apply to career jobs and I'd be fine, but I don't have the confidence. I do not believe I can do it. Same goes with women, I cannot get a damn kiss. After a while, and with the stress of all these drug I am officially beginning to snap. I can envision my death in the near future. It might be over in the blink of an eye, but it really isn't fun knowing in advance.

 

[JahSEEuS]

Sounds like there needs to be some forgiveness from yourself to yourself.

What sort of careers interest you?

You seem happy and able to talk to girls. What's stopping you from asking one out?

Potential? We all have a bit of squandered potential at some point. It's up to you to stop squandering it. There are many great people who didn't find their calling / their voice / their passion until well after their 30's.

Remain strong and have faith in yourself friend!

 

[ShroomySatori]

Technical careers interest me, as well as management. I am good at that stuff and it would have to have a a creative aspect without a doubt. Teaching interested me for a while but not as a career anymore. Something like testing fiber optics, green energy design / setups, energy consulting to save companies money on power, reviewing technical drawings for production. There are lots of careers to apply for. The part of my brain that used to apply to them seems burnt out. I hope that returns. Opening several education-oriented and tripped out holistic businesses I create from the ground up is the long term goal. I'll never reach it at this point, may as well reincarnate.

The career isn't a big deal, I have been fired several times and it almost always amounted to them finding out I have a chronic pain condition (which I wasn't dealing well with at the time) and it has made me feel worthless. It was always sudden too. No real warning signs but they decided as soon as I mentioned my back. "fired without cause" is acceptable for a pretty long time period so, I have to find my confidence again because I can actually do these jobs easily now. My back doesn't hurt near as much and I am not using.

"You seem happy and able to talk to girls" ... I remember when I was shy and I couldn't. That's partly what is stopping me now, even though I am very social. I am much more comfortable talking to females than males. Every week, I have lovely conversations with females I find attractive and it's not like they are bothered. I don't know what stops me. I had a real cool chat with a volunteer who was at yoga, about our stylish selections of ear piercings and how she volunteers for free yoga and stuff. Just a chill conversation and really cute so like, why the fuck when I know I am damn attractive in a lot of ways can I not just say hey, I am coming here alone all the time want to hit up a class with me sometime girl. I think I'm dumb. It's probably the anxiety and depression it's not like I would not like some ha. Being myself doesn't work and that's all I know how to be. I can't think about this anymore because I would like to take a micro torch that I used to use for dabbing and burn a fucking hole through my skull.

There is being happy alone and all that. There is also not getting so much as a kiss for years on end at times. It's a different problem I can't handle, and with a lot of hobbies and interests I thoroughly enjoy, I like my personality, appearance, and fashion sense, finding it easy to talk to people, feeling light and fit from hot yoga, funny, very creative I am all these things. Loving myself isn't so much the problem here in fact I wouldn't really want to be anyone else but finish off the life of this thing that is me. it's being infuriated that it makes me naturally fine around girls I crush on and to have serious conversations too and know that I am attractive and get fucking nowhere. Maybe that is why. So I really like the receptionist at hot yoga she is beautiful. But then what, I talk to her and get to know her, she's super chill, I sense something, then do not do follow through with the last part. Pretty much the story of my life. Those experiences fuel so much drug abuse sometimes in fact I would say the most powerful stressor by far.

I just try not to cry too much. I have faith in one thing that I will drop dead and I sure as fuck hope I die in peace because I certainly did not live in peace. I have so much potential still. I think smoking too much weed is "frying my brain" so to speak, tbh. That is one way I could improve myself. I smoke way too much pot, it is really hard for me to wait 8 hours, I start to freak out, so cutting back on it and moderating my use to a hit with breakfast lunch and dinner (really not that challenging) - this is another way I could feel better about myself. The only reason to do it would be so that I would stop freaking out when I run low and I get withdrawals from that. And I would get way more stoned then too. I like pot, that much I know. So, slowly cut back to avoid discomfort that will impact my day as it has pretty much become a smoking habit. After all, my days are numbered.

Now I'm just angry. I've been cleaning up my place but I feel and very well may shatter some glass this morning. There ain't getting through to me don't bother. I sense that although I have thought about suicide for a decade... all that was just empty fantasies. I am in a very bad situation now.

What the fuck am I thinking. Life could have been beautiful for me, and I am ready to die. I am only holding on, because I feel that I deserve better. And yeah. First tears of the day, at 4:19am. I would take a heavy bong toke but my tolerance is too high that I would feel it until later.

Since I am too messed up still to accomplish anything mentally, I am focussing on getting physically fit and more balanced. There is a lot I need to do though, and the stress, pressure is miserable.

 

[Painful One]

Shroomy, consider yourself kissed by a beautiful blond woman! Xo

Just be yourself! You really are stressing about this too much. There are lots of nice women around that feel just the same as you!
Start off having a friend and just let it grow. Don't just shut down and shut everyone out. Tear down your walls and let others in.

Share your wonderful self! Let the vulnerability show, it is alright. Everyone feels that way.
Those who mind are not worth it, those who are worth it, do not mind!

 

[ShroomySatori]

eeeee I forget what that feels like, I remember maybe fun.

I am not having the greatest day today. Exhausted, haven't really done anything. I was supposed to have an interview call but didn't. Health/nutrition store would be a great recovery job.

Problem is I get in these engaging conversations but I don't ask her out for something casual when I should. Could have done this last weekend after talking with a girl who volunteers there about our unconventional piercings. I like her, could have asked if she wanted to hit up a class together. I could this weekend too, I am there during her volunteer work. That is why I think I'm dumb.

Haven't had the best day today really, I'm sad... I'm going to try reading my book.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, I'm really bad at asking women out too. Doesn't mean I'm dumb or anything, it's just scary to do! And you're not dumb either.

 

[Squeaky]

I keep trying to remind myself that the feeling depression isn?t actually real. The opiates hi jack the dopamine production in your brain, then you have no opiates and it takes weeks for your brain to restart dopamine production on it?s own. It really sucks, but I try to remind myself that it?s Ok to cry , a lot. Nothing brings pleasure, but that?s Ok because it?s the drugs that rewired my brain and I just have to wait a few weeks for things to make me happy again.
What?s really hard for me is hiding it from my wife and friends. People want to talk and I just want to be alone in my suffering. I also don?t want to have to say ? I?m addicted to pain killers and I can?t talk right now because I?m trying to get off of them?
Even though it?s not my fault it?s embarrassing and shameful and it feels endless. The hopelessness and eternity is what makes me feel like you do Shroomi. Ending my life starts to feel like the ONLY way out. But then I find a distraction that keeps me occupied for a few hours, then it?s bedtime and I?ve made it through another day. Sometimes that?s enough.
One day at a time brother. We?ll get there.

 

[ShroomySatori]

yeah xor, I agree. Part of that is my clouded state of mind. A lot of it is that I didn't really talk to girls while growing up I was nervous and had terrible communication skills past graduating university. I am not like that anymore, I talk to attractive women at these places I frequent all the time and it's enjoyable. I already had some dates with someone very cute late last year, and wasn't looking or trying with her. I don't have to do anything but keep those few I think are really hot out of my mind unless I see them. I should be able to meet someone chill and get laid as I become less opiate-fried and more psychedelic-permafried like my good old self. I have fried away most of whatever makes people not want to talk to others. This is one thing that I should not be worried about whatsoever if I was healthy I wouldn't be able to keep them away from me. I have way bigger issues right now, I still have time to feel sad about this as I am burnt out but really it is not an issue at all. Perhaps the issue is patience I like to stay with one girl for a long while.

More concerned about being an unemployed benzo addict and habitual chron smoker. I need money for those habits at least for now, so my real concern is a job which will be more challenging. I am very attractive with women I have no trouble getting attention it is often unwanted as well. Unless I am in a half decent state of mind. Employers... not so much. They tend not to like me so much. I tend to get fired over shit like being unwilling to work without somehow staying really stoned, which can be an inconvenience in the workplace. Always wished I could have a vape in an office space for breaks. Makes me pissed when I see them go out for cigarettes. Anyways, my employment record is horrible. My dating history is not so bad.

I have a phone call from a health food store opening near by today now that is exciting! That would rid my spirit of the financial issues related to habitual chron smoking and etiz use, and plug me back into society. I missed the phone call yesterday apparently I was really stoned but he's like I want to talk to you. This would be an incredible detox job, it's so closeby, no traffic, I can talk about the chemistry or health benefits or whatever of their nutrition products for days, I'd probably get a store discount, hot girls would work there, I would have more money so all of this could change today.

Right Squeaky I could have a job by the end of the day. Who knows. I'll just be like hire me yo. I'll sleep all afternoon and evening.

Squeaky dude. One of the worst parts is anhedonia. The inability to experience any sort of pleasure can last a long time. I find that I cry randomly over nothing in particular as part of the detox process. At least then, I am feeling something other than a shell. It's just so bad because you already feel like such shit and are too burnt out to have any sort of feelings of optimism or hope from the depression. So many parts of my brain are burnt out that I end up relying on schedules and routines, as well as talking things through logically. That logic can be really faulty though and can be dangerous.

I tend to count in terms of weeks. One week at a time, and every week things improve a little more. I had all sorts of suicidal thoughts the first 10 days or so. I'm not really having those anymore. Still feel fried so it's hard to see the progress.

Brother we will get there. If I get this job today I will be well on my way. It will keep me busy, I don't expect to feel anything stable for like 6 months. I'm not too stressed about recovering since I am seeing improvement and these multi-relapses have fucked with me so bad it's just over. And since I am doing a lot of hot yoga and eating healthy. I am more stressed about getting a job because well, I have a little explaining to do. It wasn't just the drugs, chronic back injury kept me out of the workplace for several years.

Yeah man I don't want to talk I just want to vent. I know what's up. Don't do opiates ever again. Get a new job nothing too stressful (like a health food store like I'd be SO happy just to have that). Make sure to pay my bills and keep the chron and etiz flowing. Don't even think about girls because I will be a magnet anyway. Dude... 3 weeks ago I was contemplating killing myself, and I was training myself on how to get dressed in the morning again. I was so depressed I couldn't take care of my hygiene for a while and it is no wonder 3 weeks later I am still burnt out. I will be fried for a while... I really want this job so I can chill out in the meantime it would reduce my anxiety and depression so much having a job helping people be healthy.

I only got rebound horny recently. Normally takes like 2 days ha but the detox gets worse and worse as I deplete my energy. I don't want to end up with low-T as a horny lil pecker so I better keep of them opioids.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Aight venting aside, I think Painful One (I am going to come up with a nickname for you) recommended I focus on getting a job. This is what I am doing, even if I am not applying for very many. I first needed to become physically active again, and after 18 yoga classes my body has changed. Lower body feels skinny but strong, to the point that my pants are slipping off me, but I have way more endurance. I'm way more flexible all around, especially my shoulders and my posture is better. My core is stronger. It has been highly therapeutic and the intensity level whipped me into shape so that I don't just wake up and lay in bed feeling like my blood is made of lead anymore. It's only going to improve as I love going to those classes, one of my favourite times in my life. I always get really stoned and that place is the epitome of chill.

I have the physical energy to work. Now I need to regain the mental capacity to do so, and that will come with time and effort. The part where I get confused is that I know I'm not ready for my career yet, but that's all I have been doing so people think I am overqualified for something that I would really enjoy like helping out with nutrition stuff. So many benefits if I got a job it would take a page to list. Just gotta be real with the dude. I am a nutrition enthusiast. Could happen today, I'd be happy there I would fit in great at a store like that I know a lot about their products already and I am very healthy looking (surprisingly I guess... I don't know how I can look so healthy lol but it sure helped with the charisma required for junkie manipulation and hustling).

Squeaky brother we got this. I try and tell myself it is behind me. I already know I can manage my chronic pain, it sucks but if I do yoga and watch my posture it's not that bad. It's one day at a time for sure, I crashed yesterday and passed out most of the day and today I am exhausted from not taking care of myself yesterday. And I just realized I didn't have a sex drive for 3 weeks, that is insane. It is an indication of the progression of the sickness through depletion of whatever energy stores I have to rebuild broken brains. Well, it is nice to have that back. lol. But yeah dude I'm gonna end up 30 with testosterone issues if I keep relapsing.

That rebound horny is insanity I am giggling, having a laugh attack presently I'm so damn stoned about what has been on my mind lately. Just had a laugh attack and got super stoned. Giggling so hard over nothing. I only have like one more bud, it isn't the day to be tired. I better be good for this phone call, I need coffee and lots of it. Can't be wearing my body out, I might not look like I am radiating health anymore if I keep up this cycle. It's exhausting to recover a bit and then start over again, in some trap.

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah man, recovering and then relapsing is so demoralizing and draining. Every single time it gets harder and harder. Sounds like you're doing well man, please try to remember this in the future. Any way you can get your prescription canceled so you don't get tempted every single month?

Also the regaining of sex drive is the best part of withdrawal/being freshly off opiates.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah I am doing well. I have had a couple interviews too and lazily applied to a handful of places. I am looking for the ideal recovery job, and they are at two chill spots I go to often. The relapsing I find is physically and mentally completely draining, and a month of progress can be messed up within a few days.

I have started to be horny again over the past week it is nice to have that back. Should help me with a little more initiative. Since using opiates again in December there wasn't much interest going on.

What I grabbed today is chron. Best little eighth bag yet. Last time was popcorn nugs wasn't the happiest and they were not dried enough. Funny how everyone hits up dispensaries here and we are doin the same shit as we were at the turn of the century. Dude was right, it is fire dope. I woke up after passing up out 11 hours all day, and I am forcing myself to wait an hour before hitting the bong. I'm sure I will get very stoned and I took a couple days off yoga, tomorrow morning should be great I miss the practice already.

I never want to relapse again that shit is awful. Doing great then suddenly finding yourself two months later having done pretty much nothing but get high and try to get through withdrawals.

 

[Painful One]

Well guys, do the best you can. I relate to everything you guys are saying. The medication is the only thing that allows me to function at all.

I'm so tired of trying to "manage" all these freaking health problems.

One day at a time. Thanks squeaky. We will get there.

 

[ShroomySatori]

That's similar with me and the benzodiazepines presently. Without them, really, I wouldn't last a day. Before using them, I had been having what I would describe as near-chronic panic attacks. I was having several panic attacks a day for a whole entire year, this was when my back pain had been untreated in any way at all stronger than anti-inflammatories that did nothing for a whole 2 years, on the waiting list for a PM clinic. GP originally said I was gonna have to very patient... she was right... and I wasn't. My first appointment I had several benzos in my system, and I had been smoking opium and snorting china white, the purest shit I ever had in my life. I had been through like 1000 percs already and some dilaudid. Still got my oxy script after the drug test and MRI's, not sure what happened with the drug test.

Xanax was the first hard drug I used other than coke and Mdma. The first hard downer drug, my preference. I got it from showing up at the ER so many times claiming I was dying. I got switched from antipsychotics to that and then started on etiz as they wouldn't refill and I wasn't about to start panicking again like that. Those panic attacks were atrocious. If I had any money I'd be getting kpins since klonopin works by far the best at lower doses.

The panic attacks came 2 years into untreated chronic pain. I think it was the extreme stress of losing so much but not that so much as losing my health when I had spent over a decade on intensive athletics and loved it. The panic attacks began after losing another job, which I was doing okay at until my back pain got a lot worse. I was ready to die from the sheer flight or fight response, constantly so tense I felt like I was going to explode. I feel normal like before but I am going to have to deal with tolerance.

Hot yoga will decrease my anxiety. It is so exhausting. Today, I smoked 10 bong tokes of chron before class. Barely got through the class, couldn't leave the studio for 45 minutes I was so wiped out. It was great though and I'm going to pass out early today and go tomorrow morning too. I didn't think yoga burnt too many calories but it is leaving me starved like a heavy weightlifting sesh back in the day. Even more. And I am still losing lower body weight / gaining upper body mass despite eating two or three times as much food. It's ridiculous how healthy I feel... I feel like I can get all my health back that I had before apart from the anxiety I only want to taper my benzo use not quit.

After yoga I ate 6 bagels before I could get up. I was still starving, even though I had a high calorie veggie pasta for breakfast earlier. Then I hustled some coin for 4 protein bars and a lot of buffalo yogourt with maca root powder. I already have chron and if I'm going to go again tomorrow it's a real commitment to recover my body today, so I can't get more candy until later. That's why I like this so much; it takes a lot of discipline.

After a high quality protein bars and an entire tub of buffalo yogourt I am even still hungry. Anyways, I am glad I found a way to exercise. People always used to suggest swimming, but the idea of swimming makes me cringe. So far, even treading water hasn't been the best for me but maybe things will change, that was my 19th class.

I think that the withdrawal is exacerbating how exhausted I am getting after, but I didn't notice how out of shape I was. Last time I was fit was just before the H got completely out of control and ruined me. Back when it still worked, last spring. I'd spend 3 hours doing yoga out in the sun not realizing the temperature was quite chilly. Fitness was effortless... it isn't anymore by any means ha. And once I started the quitting process, I ended up pretty much a rigid skeleton.

I think my body struggles with recovery from the workouts so much because it's rebooting all those systems in the brain that would normally be involved in recovery. Already under stress. I also got out of shape and very skinny from going through withdrawal so many times. However longer term, this is going to be giving me a lot of extra energy. I find myself skipping steps and running up the stairs, feeling healthy and light. I still have chronic pain. I suffered so much from that fucking heroin that it only bothers me when it is near its worst nowadays. The discipline I chose doesn't seem to be aggravating it at all, so surprising.

Feeling pretty good today, just lazy and high. I haven't been depressed today yet.

 

[Squeaky]

I?m supposed to be cutting back on my oxy. I must have been around 190 mg/day. I think today?s target is around 150mg. I have been able to cut back on Lyrica and Lorazepam a little. I feel like if I can quit any one completely it might give me the momentum to quit the next, and the next. My biggest problem with the opiates right now is my leff leg hurts me a lot at night and in the evenings. The painkillers help a lot , but my tolerance is huge right now. I need to at least suffer through a few days of low doses at least to make the dam pills work good again.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yo dude don't beat yourself up about that after what you just went through. Those are some high doses though man regardless of pain, and as I'm sure you know 200mg can as easily become 400mg as 10mg became 20. It was when my tolerance from doing consistent really pure H for a long time, that I crossed the line from functional junkie to struggling lifeless addict. And tolerance is really hard to get down it's not like the herb. If I take 4 to 8 hours away from the bong I'll get much higher off a toke and be satisfied and chill for longer. If I take 2 months off oxycodone I will get one hardcore nod for 12 hours off 60mg IR. After that I will have immediate drug cravings seemingly out of nowhere, and as I blow through the remaining pills they do not get me high like that. They have the usual effects of pain relief, euphoria, energy, mental stimulation, physical relaxation, cheer... but the first time is bliss and that is what tempts me these days because normally I'm not looking to keep using or maintaining at all. I'm looking to get as high as I can if I use them now and it simply and it's uncontrollable. The psychological component of the habit is becoming more conscious and prominent, although it has always been in hiding from the first few 1mg dilaudid I sniffed.

That being said I need to quit abusing weed next. It can increase my anxiety sometimes and then I don't know how many benzos I need to be taking. So my plan is to smoke every 4 hours and 20 minutes for the next week, normal sized hit to start and decrease the toke size drastically. I have a timer on my phone for this, as I tend to get carried away with weed and then it becomes a nuisance when I'm smoking a quarter every couple of days and craving a bong rip an hour after the last one. It's still a problem, I am way too emotionally charged without it and manic. I tend to panic. But I need any money I have for etizolam to make sure I can switch to valium and kpins if I ever get out of this mess.

Squeaky dude it is one day at a time. I didn't sleep last night, just couldn't. What I have realized is that smoking cannabis to the extent that I do makes me lazy and lack initiative to move forward. Also, lacking confidence and kind of spaced out. There are side effects from smoking an eighth of chron a day. It should be more like 0.5 grams in the future, it is 'just weed' but this is a critical next step as it drains my energy with overuse, and I have the ability to control it too. Essentially I don't need so much weed anymore because it has been a month tomorrow. I still feel like shit but at least I have been reading this morning, and got money together for an important bill to pay.

I have 2 interviews so far next week I'm trying to hold this in my mind. A job would mean the world to me. A place in society, say at a nutrition/health shop. I'd be so happy, not only to be part of something but not have to worry about bills chron etiz and random stuff.