Suggest to me my reasons if you have time, anyone
I can only share my personal experience, but I did the exact same thing:
I would save my pills, thinking it was a good thing. I was using less than prescribed and saving for a rainy day. It was a really great plan until it wasn’t (it was always a bad idea… I just couldn’t see it back then).
The ‘extra’ pills became my crutch. And the more I saved, the bigger the problem in the future. Instead of slowly weaning off the pills and learning to handle life without them, I was building a war-chest of reasons NOT to handle anything. The pills became my way of handling pain at first but slowly became my way of handling absolutely everything. Stress at work? Pills. Stress at home? Pills. Pain in my back? Pills. Can’t sleep? Pills are awesome for that too.
Eventually I ran out of my stash. I was slowly using more and more. I was prescribed 90mg oxy per day but only using 45 and saving half of my pills. Then using 60 and saving 1/3. Then using all 90mg but it wasn’t a problem at all. Then 120mg, but still not a problem because I had saved a lot already. Then 150. Then 180. Still no problem: “I’ll just cut back and start saving again”
This whole process took about a year or two. Eventually I had forgotten how to deal with life without my pills. My war-chest was empty but I was going to get my prescription filled the next day, so I didn’t see a real problem. I was using double my prescription every day and my tolerance was stuck at that level. I couldn’t handle life without my pacifier, and not having it was making me suffer unimaginably. I couldn’t remember life before pills and I was running out faster each month.
The only answer was to go back in time and destroy my war-chest before I could use it. My tolerance had grown to about 300mg per day. As soon as I got my script filled, I would begin the cycle of running out every month. My tolerance never dropped like I thought it would. I spent about 2 years trying to go back to using them responsibly but that was hopeless. I became angry at myself for being so weak, but that only made me use more of my pacifier.
There’s a point where opiates really do solve problems. That point is something we would all call ‘a very low dosage’. Beyond that, they become the problem we’re trying to solve with opiates. Today, I walk with a cane instead of taking pills for my back pain…. and my life is better. A lot better.
My advice to anyone in this situation? Make a plan to taper off the opiates. Doesn’t matter how slow it goes. Stop thinking you can ever take extra (not even once). Don’t save up any for the future. Ask for help if you can. And get comfortable with the idea that the next year is going to be nothing but getting your life back. And when you’re done, you’re shutting that door forever.
You can do this Papercuts. But it’s a little like a partial circumcision: It’s all or nothing. Whatever decision you make, it probably won’t kill you. But it will define your life forever, and not making a choice is a choice all by itself.
