Positive The Tapering Support Thread v 2.0

[Painful One]

Still alive guys.
Barely.
Been tortured to just about death today.

I finally (8:00 p.m evening) just got some suboxone.
I feel like complete shit.
Went to doctor at 9 a.m.
Said she would call pharmacy and see about getting a “bridge” prescription, to fill the gap of me running out early.
Waited, called, waited, called.
Been crying for hours, freaking out.

Finally, got her on the phone and she did call and I just got some damn suboxone.
She said the DEA is cracking down on everyone.
All doctors and pharmacy’s.
She said they are making things a living hell for everyone.

I saw a little old man, about 90 or so...in her office this morning.
He just wandered in needing help.
He had been cut off his pain medication and was there begging for help!

It is disgraceful!
What has become of our medical system?
Fuck...what has become of America?

Things look hopeless.

I am so tired and everyone is mad at me.
I’m going to try and sleep.

 

[Painful One]

@Painful One I hope you doctor uses her common sense when you speak, let us know how you got on. I'm at the hospital myself today, uncomfortably cleanish until my husband fetches me with something nice for going home with.

There is nothing wrong with trying to live your life pain free, every person has the right to aim for that if they want imo.
I think I come on here partly to deal with the shame, here I can just speak, no need to hide what I'm doing, so the shame lifts. Logically I have nothing to feel shame for, I'm in pain if I don't medicate, for reasons that are incurable at present, it does no good to sit in pain all day, I am in pain all day as it is, just reduced pain courtesy of the doctors and then I take a bit more off as well.

It is terrible to be treated like a criminal for being in pain and trying to solve it.

Yup.
I have been made to feel like an absolute scumbag.
The lowest of the low.
Just because I have to suffer through the rest of my life with injuries, that cause chronic pain.
I should not have to feel shame for being hurt.

Yeah, it is no good to sit in pain all day.
I am sorry that you are enduring this hardship also.

 

[papercuts]

Bernese Method / Fentanyl / ISO Feedback

Let me get to the point. I am currently using about a g-g1/2 of fentanyl a day. Over the past 2 weeks I have been tapering my Suboxone up relatively quick but still following the Bernese method guidelines for micro dosing buprenorphine and have maxed out at 16 mg a day. Is this a high enough dose that when I stop taking the fetty that I won’t go through severe withdrawal symptoms? Does anyone have any helpful advice or insight? This whole last week, I have been waiting for the right time/putting it off for the fear of withdrawals. This anxiety/fear comes from what happened when I tried to stop last weekend. I had only tapered up to 8mg of Suboxone a day but I assumed there was enough Suboxone in my system that I shouldn’t be too sick. I believed this mostly because I had come back to reality and wasn’t really getting high off the fentanyl I was doing (If you are wondering why I thought this, please read the backstory below where I explain how I got off methadone using the Bernese Method.) Unfortunately, after only 24 hours, I was in pretty serious withdrawals (Eyes dilated, cold sweats, kicking when trying to lay down, muscle spasms, diarrhea, vomiting Yellow acid, loud ringing in my ears, and so on. Do any of you guys know if fentanyl is just too strong of an opiate for Suboxone to take its place on your receptors completely using this method. Also, does anyone have other recommendations for how to prepare so that maybe the withdrawals are not so bad? I physically do not think I can go through anymore withdrawals, let alone fentanyl withdrawals, which might I add is so much worse than heroin or anything else that I have had to kick.
Backstory:
This isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to kicking opiates as I have kicked heroin a good 15-20 times and I have kicked Methadone after being on 85mgs a day for a year however this is my first time kicking fentanyl. My main technique that I have always used to try and avoid and cut down on the traumatic withdrawals has been Suboxone and specifically the Bernese method in the beginning to avoid the precipitated withdrawals. My biggest win was quite recently when I was able to stop taking Methadone completely after being on 85mgs a day. This happened in less that a week altogether and without ANY withdrawals. Unfortunately, after getting off of the methadone, I started having cravings for opiates again. I had definitely forgotten what it was like to crave opiates but i have heard it described like this.. “jump into a pool and swim to the bottom of the deep end. Then blow out all your air. That feeling you have in your chest and stomach which is forcing you to swim back to the top is what having a craving feels like” this pretty accurately describes what it felt like to me last weekend when i was trying to detox. I knew that if I used again that most likely I would lose my place to live, my girlfriend because she is sick of going through this, and I am already in financial disaster. I was able to fight it for quite some time until after a nasal surgery where they would hopefully fix my breathing. I knew going into it that they wouldn’t be giving me very many pain meds because of my addict status written all over my charts. Unfortunately the pain meds the surgeon prescribed barely did anything for the pain, assuming because buprenorphine is an opiate blocker. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t drink water, eat anything, sleep, breathe, or really do anything for what had been 7 days before I chose to self medicate. 1 day of that turned into another and turned into another. It has been 3 weeks now and all I want is to be off of this stuff before it kills me.

Thank you all for reading of you read it. If you didn’t, don’t worry I won’t be offended. My ADHD would allow me to read something this long.

I've not had personal experience of it, but I know that in the UK pain patients get switched between buprenorphine patches and fentanyl patches, they wouldn't do that if it meant going through proper withdrawals each time, so my guess is that bupe will take away the fent withdrawals and it's a matter of finding the right dose.

 

[HowdyDewdat]

I've not had personal experience of it, but I know that in the UK pain patients get switched between buprenorphine patches and fentanyl patches, they wouldn't do that if it meant going through proper withdrawals each time, so my guess is that bupe will take away the fent withdrawals and it's a matter of finding the right dose.

Thank you for your response, that is a good point. I believe the patches are a much lower dose compared to the stuff on the streets. When I was tapering off subs a few years back and got below 1 mg, the doc was going to give me the Bup patches in order to taper me down even more before the jump. I know that I am not having any withdrawal symptoms when I take the 16 mgs of bup now. I just freaking need to stop the other stuff.

 

[Squeaky]

Bernese Method / Fentanyl / ISO Feedback

Let me get to the point. I am currently using about a g-g1/2 of fentanyl a day. Over the past 2 weeks I have been tapering my Suboxone up relatively quick but still following the Bernese method guidelines for micro dosing buprenorphine and have maxed out at 16 mg a day. Is this a high enough dose that when I stop taking the fetty that I won’t go through severe withdrawal symptoms? Does anyone have any helpful advice or insight? This whole last week, I have been waiting for the right time/putting it off for the fear of withdrawals. This anxiety/fear comes from what happened when I tried to stop last weekend. I had only tapered up to 8mg of Suboxone a day but I assumed there was enough Suboxone in my system that I shouldn’t be too sick. I believed this mostly because I had come back to reality and wasn’t really getting high off the fentanyl I was doing (If you are wondering why I thought this, please read the backstory below where I explain how I got off methadone using the Bernese Method.) Unfortunately, after only 24 hours, I was in pretty serious withdrawals (Eyes dilated, cold sweats, kicking when trying to lay down, muscle spasms, diarrhea, vomiting Yellow acid, loud ringing in my ears, and so on. Do any of you guys know if fentanyl is just too strong of an opiate for Suboxone to take its place on your receptors completely using this method. Also, does anyone have other recommendations for how to prepare so that maybe the withdrawals are not so bad? I physically do not think I can go through anymore withdrawals, let alone fentanyl withdrawals, which might I add is so much worse than heroin or anything else that I have had to kick.
Backstory:
This isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to kicking opiates as I have kicked heroin a good 15-20 times and I have kicked Methadone after being on 85mgs a day for a year however this is my first time kicking fentanyl. My main technique that I have always used to try and avoid and cut down on the traumatic withdrawals has been Suboxone and specifically the Bernese method in the beginning to avoid the precipitated withdrawals. My biggest win was quite recently when I was able to stop taking Methadone completely after being on 85mgs a day. This happened in less that a week altogether and without ANY withdrawals. Unfortunately, after getting off of the methadone, I started having cravings for opiates again. I had definitely forgotten what it was like to crave opiates but i have heard it described like this.. “jump into a pool and swim to the bottom of the deep end. Then blow out all your air. That feeling you have in your chest and stomach which is forcing you to swim back to the top is what having a craving feels like” this pretty accurately describes what it felt like to me last weekend when i was trying to detox. I knew that if I used again that most likely I would lose my place to live, my girlfriend because she is sick of going through this, and I am already in financial disaster. I was able to fight it for quite some time until after a nasal surgery where they would hopefully fix my breathing. I knew going into it that they wouldn’t be giving me very many pain meds because of my addict status written all over my charts. Unfortunately the pain meds the surgeon prescribed barely did anything for the pain, assuming because buprenorphine is an opiate blocker. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t drink water, eat anything, sleep, breathe, or really do anything for what had been 7 days before I chose to self medicate. 1 day of that turned into another and turned into another. It has been 3 weeks now and all I want is to be off of this stuff before it kills me.

Thank you all for reading of you read it. If you didn’t, don’t worry I won’t be offended. My ADHD would allow me to read something this long.

The part you already know is that Fent is much stronger but lasts 100x less in your system than subs or methadone. The question here is how to transfer back to something less debilitating without going through horrible wd’s.

You need to do something ASAP. Each day you use is one day deeper into having wd’s. Is a fent taper plan out of the question? Or maybe getting fent patches from the Dr to lessen the highs and lows while you taper off it? There’s no way it won’t hurt at least a little. Your goal is to find something that doesn’t destroy your life.

 

[Squeaky]

It’s an absolute trajedy. The pills cause the pain they’re supposed to treat. The medical system treats us as junkies if we say one word wrong. The pharmaceutical industry got us hooked purposely, but the pharmacists act like it’s no big deal if we go a few days without meds. And they all know that we’re so screwed that we will all be back because we’re dependent.

I have been told that the withdrawals only last a few days - lies. I have been judged and called a ‘drug-seeker’ - lies. Been told ibuprofen works just as good as oxy - lies. The title on their ID card implies that they should ‘first do no harm’, but I guess they lied when they took the oath too.

I’m far enough away from my addiction that I can see the opiates do cure pain, but they create more pain in the end. Life is really about suffering but not like this. And the depression lasts for months, along with insomnia and several other long term problems that I was told were not connected to withdrawals. The only folks who actually care have no voice and all we can hear is that it’s all our fault.

Hang in there everyone. I’m close to the end. I can see the finish line but I’m too exhausted to make it there right now.

 

[deficiT]

Still alive guys.
Barely.
Been tortured to just about death today.

I finally (8:00 p.m evening) just got some suboxone.
I feel like complete shit.
Went to doctor at 9 a.m.
Said she would call pharmacy and see about getting a “bridge” prescription, to fill the gap of me running out early.
Waited, called, waited, called.
Been crying for hours, freaking out.

Finally, got her on the phone and she did call and I just got some damn suboxone.
She said the DEA is cracking down on everyone.
All doctors and pharmacy’s.
She said they are making things a living hell for everyone.

I saw a little old man, about 90 or so...in her office this morning.
He just wandered in needing help.
He had been cut off his pain medication and was there begging for help!

It is disgraceful!
What has become of our medical system?
Fuck...what has become of America?

Things look hopeless.

I am so tired and everyone is mad at me.
I’m going to try and sleep.

That is so absolutely bullshit. The DEA is way off base, per usual.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

It’s an absolute trajedy. The pills cause the pain they’re supposed to treat. The medical system treats us as junkies if we say one word wrong. The pharmaceutical industry got us hooked purposely, but the pharmacists act like it’s no big deal if we go a few days without meds. And they all know that we’re so screwed that we will all be back because we’re dependent.

I have been told that the withdrawals only last a few days - lies. I have been judged and called a ‘drug-seeker’ - lies. Been told ibuprofen works just as good as oxy - lies. The title on their ID card implies that they should ‘first do no harm’, but I guess they lied when they took the oath too.

I’m far enough away from my addiction that I can see the opiates do cure pain, but they create more pain in the end. Life is really about suffering but not like this. And the depression lasts for months, along with insomnia and several other long term problems that I was told were not connected to withdrawals. The only folks who actually care have no voice and all we can hear is that it’s all our fault.

Hang in there everyone. I’m close to the end. I can see the finish line but I’m too exhausted to make it there right now.

Please soldier on! The more people who advocate for us, the better. I feel your pain. I think you will come out stronger for this!

 

[Painful One]

Thank you guys, for all the support and treating me like a human being.
That was hardcore suffering.

Honestly, I am worried about this switch in medication.
I was doing just fine with MS Contin.
They just took that away for no reason except what the DE EA A says now.
The withdrawal was unbearable from the subs.
The pain has been bad too. Gabapentin is covering the nerve pain and as long as I don’t run myself short I should be alright.
My doctor was supposed to call in my gabapentin along with the subs but didn’t.
I had a bad day waiting for the gabapentin. Finally got it and I am just starting to feel better now.

I am worried because the constipation is bad and I keep breaking out in horrific hot, sweat flashes.
I feel like I am going to die at times.
This is hard on my kidneys, I can feel it.

I was doing better until I had to wait for medication.
So, I am hoping those things get better.
I am barely moving from couch to bed the last few days.
My leg pain has been intense.

These bastards that decide what we can and cannot have are not doing it for our own good.
I hope they get a taste of their own medicine one day soon.
Torturing injured and old people!
The ones who make up all this bullshit should burn in hell.
We would be better off with Heroin rather than all the streets flooded with fentanyl.
They are making money off peoples misery and I think they like that power too.

 

[Squeaky]

Thank you guys, for all the support and treating me like a human being.
That was hardcore suffering.

Honestly, I am worried about this switch in medication.
I was doing just fine with MS Contin.
They just took that away for no reason except what the DE EA A says now.
The withdrawal was unbearable from the subs.
The pain has been bad too. Gabapentin is covering the nerve pain and as long as I don’t run myself short I should be alright.
My doctor was supposed to call in my gabapentin along with the subs but didn’t.
I had a bad day waiting for the gabapentin. Finally got it and I am just starting to feel better now.

I am worried because the constipation is bad and I keep breaking out in horrific hot, sweat flashes.
I feel like I am going to die at times.
This is hard on my kidneys, I can feel it.

I was doing better until I had to wait for medication.
So, I am hoping those things get better.
I am barely moving from couch to bed the last few days.
My leg pain has been intense.

These bastards that decide what we can and cannot have are not doing it for our own good.
I hope they get a taste of their own medicine one day soon.
Torturing injured and old people!
The ones who make up all this bullshit should burn in hell.
We would be better off with Heroin rather than all the streets flooded with fentanyl.
They are making money off peoples misery and I think they like that power too.

Only sharing my experiences here P.O…..
I had all of the symptoms you describe. Leg pain, nerve pain, constipation, hot flashes, pain in various organs, trouble breathing, insomnia, etc. Basically everything you described as the reason for needing Gabapentin and opiates. It lasted for at least 6 months after I switched from oxy to Kratom. At some point I just figured my life had changed and I would always be in pain.

Now…. I get my script filled and use it in 3 days. I feel fine until I run out. Then it’s all back for 3 days. I haven’t had a continuous supply of oxy for 18 months. It’s clear to me now that ALL of my problems were basically wd’s. Every ache and pain I had attributed to my injuries were 100% long term wd’s from the meds. I have pain in my back and nerve damage that causes me very specific pain, but the general “shitty life” pain is gone until I run out of my pills each month. Thankfully I’m a giant loser and I only have oxy for 1/10th if the month, and that’s just not enough to completely go down the rabbit hole again.

Is it at all possible that you were put on meds unnecessarily (many years ago) and now you’re having the same experience? I would never preach that I know anything, but what if everything bad could be solved by leaving the medications out of the equation for a very long time?

P.S.
I say this knowing full well that I had been told this same thing by my surgeon 3 years ago. I assumed that there was no possibility he was right since I had previously gone 2-3 weeks without the pills. And I was absolutely unwilling to go for any length of time (Why suffer since he had to be wrong, right?) Turns out he was 100% correct.

 

[Painful One]

Yeah, I mean, anything is possible.
I trusted the medical people to have knowledge of what they were doing.
I do not trust them anymore at all. Everyone of them has a different opinion and plan.
I was too injured at the time to figure things out for myself and I relied on family members to help me make the right medical choices. We tried things and they would tell me if it was better or worse.
I stabilized on MS Contin (same dose for 16 years), 1 mg clonazepam for REM sleep disorder, and gabapentin was added later for sleep disorder and it calmed the nerve pain.
I was stable there for 16 years. (Except for running myself short a few days here and there)
I have been functional and had some quality of life.
My injuries are a quality of life decision. They are bad and can be seen with MRI and other testing.

It is definitely from withdrawling right now. My doctor retired and I couldn’t find another one. No one would take me.
I just came off morphine cold turkey for 8 days and got moved onto suboxone and ran out early due to me misunderstanding what the doctor said. My mom and brother were with me and they understood it as I did. So??

I have been in some degree of withdrawal for over a month now.

I cannot just come off morphine cold turkey. My body could not physically take that amount of withdrawal for that long.
So, I am trying to switch to the suboxone and cut down slowly. It is going to take some time.
OR...I may just have to stay on it. I will just have to see how it goes.

Kratom doesn’t work so good for me. I know it does for you and that is good.
Everyone is different. I have had multiple organ failure and liver failure and Kratom doesn’t agree well with me.
You know I have tried it. It made my tolerance skyrocket. Maybe that is how you are not overdosing on your oxy.

My goal is to try and wean down and be free of it and see if it is any better.
I have tried to go without medication after I got injured and I ended up trying to suicide myself. So...
It is just a bitch. I have to be able to function on some level.
I have to be able to eat, sleep, go to bathroom, walk, dress myself, do some work, basic human functioning has been a real struggle since I got injured and it never went away!

All I can do is switch to suboxone (it is all they will prescribe now) but I am worried it is a worse choice than where I was.
I am having a hard time dealing with a new doctor, new medication regimen.
It is all there is for me now though.

So...I will just have to try my best and see how it goes.
I was starting to feel better on the Subutex.
I was having less pain once I started to stabilize.

Dealing with a new doctor, new system of how they do prescriptions now etc...has been a challenge .

PS: NO doctor has ever told me I would be better off without medication.
My old doctor, who retired, wrote a letter saying I would require opioid medication to have any kind of normal life and that I am a straightforward person and very trustable. Excellent record.
It is the medical system that has decided to take away people’s medications, and the pharmacy’s.

 

[kiely]

 

[papercuts]

Yeah, I mean, anything is possible.
I trusted the medical people to have knowledge of what they were doing.
I do not trust them anymore at all. Everyone of them has a different opinion and plan.
I was too injured at the time to figure things out for myself and I relied on family members to help me make the right medical choices. We tried things and they would tell me if it was better or worse.
I stabilized on MS Contin (same dose for 16 years), 1 mg clonazepam for REM sleep disorder, and gabapentin was added later for sleep disorder and it calmed the nerve pain.
I was stable there for 16 years. (Except for running myself short a few days here and there)
I have been functional and had some quality of life.
My injuries are a quality of life decision. They are bad and can be seen with MRI and other testing.

It is definitely from withdrawling right now. My doctor retired and I couldn’t find another one. No one would take me.
I just came off morphine cold turkey for 8 days and got moved onto suboxone and ran out early due to me misunderstanding what the doctor said. My mom and brother were with me and they understood it as I did. So??

I have been in some degree of withdrawal for over a month now.

I cannot just come off morphine cold turkey. My body could not physically take that amount of withdrawal for that long.
So, I am trying to switch to the suboxone and cut down slowly. It is going to take some time.
OR...I may just have to stay on it. I will just have to see how it goes.

Kratom doesn’t work so good for me. I know it does for you and that is good.
Everyone is different. I have had multiple organ failure and liver failure and Kratom doesn’t agree well with me.
You know I have tried it. It made my tolerance skyrocket. Maybe that is how you are not overdosing on your oxy.

My goal is to try and wean down and be free of it and see if it is any better.
I have tried to go without medication after I got injured and I ended up trying to suicide myself. So...
It is just a bitch. I have to be able to function on some level.
I have to be able to eat, sleep, go to bathroom, walk, dress myself, do some work, basic human functioning has been a real struggle since I got injured and it never went away!

All I can do is switch to suboxone (it is all they will prescribe now) but I am worried it is a worse choice than where I was.
I am having a hard time dealing with a new doctor, new medication regimen.
It is all there is for me now though.

So...I will just have to try my best and see how it goes.
I was starting to feel better on the Subutex.
I was having less pain once I started to stabilize.

Dealing with a new doctor, new system of how they do prescriptions now etc...has been a challenge .

PS: NO doctor has ever told me I would be better off without medication.
My old doctor, who retired, wrote a letter saying I would require opioid medication to have any kind of normal life and that I am a straightforward person and very trustable. Excellent record.
It is the medical system that has decided to take away people’s medications, and the pharmacy’s.

The drug you were on worked. We all know you should still be allowed it.
It's the system that's crazy, if a doctor retires it sends his patients into crisis due entirely to the system being illogical and causes even more suffering to those already in poor health.
Where I live there simply aren't enough doctors, only an estimated half the needed number, the other half are unfilled vacancies for consultants, a few miles away over the border they get nearly double the pay from the government there.
If my doctor retired I would be lucky to find any doctor to take me on even if I didn't have controlled drugs on my script, it's a scary thought.

 

[papercuts]

I feel so down. I've wasted time again. This time last year I was doing ok, cutting down, got it down to just a few grams of pods a day, I did that again a couple of times through the year, but it doesn't matter if i'm jumping from 5 grams or 40, it still is the same pain and trouble and time off work. I meant to get it down before christmas so I could have an uplift over the holidays then quit after like last year. I didn't, now there's no hiding it from anyone staying, and we've got people staying for a week.
Shit shit shit.
They know I vape cannabis for medical reasons so that's ok. Don't know how to deal with questions about why I'm putting large amounts of bitter black liquid down my throat and not sharing it. I'll have to grind up enough in advance so they don't see the pods, it takes ages and I've poppy seeds in containers everywhere. Obviously I can't not do it because that would be far worse.
I haven't even bought presents yet, you know what they say about executive function being poor in users, it is the most frustrating thing, I gotta write down absolutely everything and even then I lose my bits of paper.
I feel so useless sometimes, but my husband wants me to keep using if it makes me happy. I think I need a definition of happy to think about, I can be happy with any messed up situation while using, but am I happy? Not much, but I live in a messed up situation so it helps.
I want to be clean in six months time to travel to a wedding and not be sick and also another trip that is overdue could be done then too, so if I relapse after those two trips, then i needn't leave home again for a year or more. What a fricking sad way to live.

 

[Squeaky]

Yeah, I mean, anything is possible.
I trusted the medical people to have knowledge of what they were doing.
I do not trust them anymore at all. Everyone of them has a different opinion and plan.
I was too injured at the time to figure things out for myself and I relied on family members to help me make the right medical choices. We tried things and they would tell me if it was better or worse.
I stabilized on MS Contin (same dose for 16 years), 1 mg clonazepam for REM sleep disorder, and gabapentin was added later for sleep disorder and it calmed the nerve pain.
I was stable there for 16 years. (Except for running myself short a few days here and there)
I have been functional and had some quality of life.
My injuries are a quality of life decision. They are bad and can be seen with MRI and other testing.

It is definitely from withdrawling right now. My doctor retired and I couldn’t find another one. No one would take me.
I just came off morphine cold turkey for 8 days and got moved onto suboxone and ran out early due to me misunderstanding what the doctor said. My mom and brother were with me and they understood it as I did. So??

I have been in some degree of withdrawal for over a month now.

I cannot just come off morphine cold turkey. My body could not physically take that amount of withdrawal for that long.
So, I am trying to switch to the suboxone and cut down slowly. It is going to take some time.
OR...I may just have to stay on it. I will just have to see how it goes.

Kratom doesn’t work so good for me. I know it does for you and that is good.
Everyone is different. I have had multiple organ failure and liver failure and Kratom doesn’t agree well with me.
You know I have tried it. It made my tolerance skyrocket. Maybe that is how you are not overdosing on your oxy.

My goal is to try and wean down and be free of it and see if it is any better.
I have tried to go without medication after I got injured and I ended up trying to suicide myself. So...
It is just a bitch. I have to be able to function on some level.
I have to be able to eat, sleep, go to bathroom, walk, dress myself, do some work, basic human functioning has been a real struggle since I got injured and it never went away!

All I can do is switch to suboxone (it is all they will prescribe now) but I am worried it is a worse choice than where I was.
I am having a hard time dealing with a new doctor, new medication regimen.
It is all there is for me now though.

So...I will just have to try my best and see how it goes.
I was starting to feel better on the Subutex.
I was having less pain once I started to stabilize.

Dealing with a new doctor, new system of how they do prescriptions now etc...has been a challenge .

PS: NO doctor has ever told me I would be better off without medication.
My old doctor, who retired, wrote a letter saying I would require opioid medication to have any kind of normal life and that I am a straightforward person and very trustable. Excellent record.
It is the medical system that has decided to take away people’s medications, and the pharmacy’s.

The day one of us dies is the day we prove that the doctors were wrong. I have come close to suicide many times, even long before my first opiate script. The only problem there is that I would never get the satisfaction of saying “I told you so!” And I would be gone, my family would suffer, and the f’ing doctor would just throw my file in the trash and go onto the next patient without even a second thought.

The only thing I have ever tried that made me change was to take my choices away from myself. I knew I would not be able to be responsible with oxy any more, so I had my Dr change my prescription. Can’t go to AA in the morning and still live next to a liquor store. It’s basically impossible to have something that stops the suffering within reach, and not reach for it.

Anybody ever tried alternative medicine like acupuncture?

 

[Squeaky]

I feel so down. I've wasted time again. This time last year I was doing ok, cutting down, got it down to just a few grams of pods a day, I did that again a couple of times through the year, but it doesn't matter if i'm jumping from 5 grams or 40, it still is the same pain and trouble and time off work. I meant to get it down before christmas so I could have an uplift over the holidays then quit after like last year. I didn't, now there's no hiding it from anyone staying, and we've got people staying for a week.
Shit shit shit.
They know I vape cannabis for medical reasons so that's ok. Don't know how to deal with questions about why I'm putting large amounts of bitter black liquid down my throat and not sharing it. I'll have to grind up enough in advance so they don't see the pods, it takes ages and I've poppy seeds in containers everywhere. Obviously I can't not do it because that would be far worse.
I haven't even bought presents yet, you know what they say about executive function being poor in users, it is the most frustrating thing, I gotta write down absolutely everything and even then I lose my bits of paper.
I feel so useless sometimes, but my husband wants me to keep using if it makes me happy. I think I need a definition of happy to think about, I can be happy with any messed up situation while using, but am I happy? Not much, but I live in a messed up situation so it helps.
I want to be clean in six months time to travel to a wedding and not be sick and also another trip that is overdue could be done then too, so if I relapse after those two trips, then i needn't leave home again for a year or more. What a fricking sad way to live.

Don’t focus on mistakes you made in the past, even if it was only 5 minutes ago. Some of mankind’s greatest achievements have come from what was learned from complete catastrophes. If you can learn from what you did wrong then you’ll be a much stronger person…. and maybe help someone else in the future.

It’s the moment we give up that our life ends.

 

[Painful One]

I feel so down. I've wasted time again. This time last year I was doing ok, cutting down, got it down to just a few grams of pods a day, I did that again a couple of times through the year, but it doesn't matter if i'm jumping from 5 grams or 40, it still is the same pain and trouble and time off work. I meant to get it down before christmas so I could have an uplift over the holidays then quit after like last year. I didn't, now there's no hiding it from anyone staying, and we've got people staying for a week.
Shit shit shit.
They know I vape cannabis for medical reasons so that's ok. Don't know how to deal with questions about why I'm putting large amounts of bitter black liquid down my throat and not sharing it. I'll have to grind up enough in advance so they don't see the pods, it takes ages and I've poppy seeds in containers everywhere. Obviously I can't not do it because that would be far worse.
I haven't even bought presents yet, you know what they say about executive function being poor in users, it is the most frustrating thing, I gotta write down absolutely everything and even then I lose my bits of paper.
I feel so useless sometimes, but my husband wants me to keep using if it makes me happy. I think I need a definition of happy to think about, I can be happy with any messed up situation while using, but am I happy? Not much, but I live in a messed up situation so it helps.
I want to be clean in six months time to travel to a wedding and not be sick and also another trip that is overdue could be done then too, so if I relapse after those two trips, then i needn't leave home again for a year or more. What a fricking sad way to live.

Yeah, I know. I wouldn’t worry about taking your medicine. if anyone asks, just say that it is your medicine.
It is really hard to deal with what we go through on a daily basis.
We need to not compare ourselves to other people. Each one of us was driven to this by pain. Physical and-or mental anguish.
We didn’t get that story book life. We got some alternative Bullshit and we got hurt.
The Holidays are just hell for all of us I think. So much pressure.

I was about 2 weeks off morphine and stabilizing on Subutex when I went to Thanksgiving and it was just so overwhelming to me.
It felt like I just came out of a coma and found myself far in the future.
Everyone in my family is very successful. They all have a lot of money (thank God, because they have had to support me),
they all have brand new awesome cars and talk about all their vacations etc....
I felt like the biggest loser on Earth. It smacked me so hard in the face. All my nieces and nephews are now teenagers. I didn’t even recognize one of them. OMG! It was horrible. I had to leave.

My brother drove me home and I expressed this to him and he pulled over and he looked me in the eyes and he said “hey, you do not worry about any of that. The ONLY thing you have to do right now is to concentrate on what you are doing. You made a giant leap forward and I am so proud of you.”
It made me cry. I have missed so much!

He is right. THIS is the only thing we need to think about right now my friends.
We CAN heal. I believe we can and I am going to lead The Way.
I believe we are the strongest souls on this Earth and we have a Destiny that is important.
We have been tried and tempered by FIRE.
It takes a lot of heat and a lot of pressure to produce a diamond.

We are diamonds in the rough.
It is time to SHINE.

I have so much respect and admiration for you all.
I know what you all have endured and you know what I have endured.
Please don’t give up my love’s.

 

[Painful One]

Wow. I just stumbled upon this on the internet.
Look what someone wrote.

Positive Vibes​

8 days ago
If you are reading this, I want to tell you that everything will be fine. You are incredible, you are unique you can face anything in your life, you have strength within yourself to overcome any obstacle, loss or situation. You are not alone,you are loved, you have the right to feel bad and good, you have the right to feel. Be blessed by this positive vibes and live your life to the fullest. I’m sending my love to the universe.

 

[Squeaky]

Everyone in my family is very successful. They all have a lot of money (thank God, because they have had to support me),
they all have brand new awesome cars and talk about all their vacations etc....

Money doesn’t buy happiness. There is a great documentary “I Am” by Tom Shadyac. He is a multi millionaire producer in Hollywood. Young guy, Becerly Hills, Ferraris, front row at the Oscars, etc.

Today he lives in a trailer by the beach. He’s still rich but he lives a very simple life. Happiness comes from a walk in the woods, or a snowball fight. He figured out that money only created more desire for more money.

You have a good life P.O. It’s probably the depression that you’re experiencing from the medication, wd’s, adjusting to new meds, etc. I went through all of it for a couple of years. I get to see the pattern now because of how I’m screwing up my pills each month. I get really hopeless for a few days when my pills run out. Everything seems so bad. I feel like a complete loser. I usually think everyone would be better off if I disappeared. It’s horrible: so subtle but also soooo overwhelming.

You obviously have people who love you or you would be homeless. Now, I focus on helping those people who love me. They want their husband/father/friend to be safe and healthy. You have the same people in your life who only want you to be healthy and happy also. Maybe you could do the same thing and help them by getting yourself back to who you used to be?

 

[Squeaky]

We are diamonds in the rough.

Some days I feel more like a turd in the bushes.

Ha!!!