liquidocean
Bluelighter
(I wrote this in March, it was eaten up in the purge. Reposting for discussion.)
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In there the beginning there was the cock......
And the cock became horny, so it begged and God created the pussy. And it was good. God then created the human form in a caricature of Her own image, so that it might serve as mobile life support for the cock and pussy. And thus man and woman spent endless days copulating in the golf courses of the Lord, each orgasm a testament of their gratitude for their new-found genital expressions. Until one day, lo, the serpent appeared in the garden and beguiled them, persuading them to suppress their robust natural desires so that they may hoard the bounty of love.
Although living in an infinite valley of treasures beyond description, Adam and Eve were soon decieved. They discovered the insiduous power of sex, ate its fruit, and initiated us into our descent upon a Dark Age. Sex and power, soon came to be inextricably entwined, never to part but for the glowing light of mutual intimacy and trust. Not only the power to deny someone their sex, but to deny it to whomever they may want it from. So it is, and so shall it forever be. From Sisyphus' rock to the modern dating scene, abandon hope, all ye who desire to enter or be entered.
(Of course these generalizations and scenarios are not gender specific, i'm just writing from a guy's point of view and i'm trying to maintain consistency. And some may be intentional, some not. From the viewpoint of the person that's getting closer to finding love, it all sucks. And if they reflect my own personal biases, negativity, or shortcomings, so be it. I'm sure they also reflect some basic truth as well, and i'm always down for improvements or suggestions.)
1.0 - He who Burns More than Cigarettes. My number one personal pet peeve. You and a girl are having a cigarette, and are going outside (california) to have an intimate chat outside of the noisy crowd. You're having a nice private moment. A guy comes up and asks for a smoke or a light. You don't want to seem rude in front of the girl, so you offer. He then uses the offer as an excuse to enter the conversation without being invited, and then just keeps rambling and rambling, destroying your romantic moment. You don't want to seem rude, but he doesn't allow you a way out of the conversation, and the girl doesn't mind the attention from two guys. You are never able to return to the headspace respite of just you and the woman. Say hello to your new best friend.
2.0 - Waster of Critical Time. It's getting 1:30 am (around California bar/club closing time). You are hitting it off with a couple women. One aggressively asks you to take her home, implying she wants sex. You take her home, she suddenly turns cold and denies you. All of a sudden she's really tired or remembers she has to be up early tomorrow. You race back to the bar; it is closed and everyone's gone. All the other women you were hitting it off with are gone. You lose contact with your buddies who would know where the afterhours scene is. The woman she didn't want you to have sex with has probably gone off with some other guy or is jealous because she saw you taking off with the cockblocking woman. The cockblocking woman can be acting as a confederate or a henchwoman. You put your head in your hands and curse god. You go home alone and masturbate over the girl you should have gone for. The way to spoil this one is to not be too eager, and do get a down payment, maybe some making out or an oral committment, to test if their intentions are true.
2.1 - The Unavailable Flirt. When i go out to bars/clubs with good music, i prefer to dance rather than drink/schmooze, and then spend the last half-hour collecting myself and connecting with people who's dancing styles/vibes i liked. I then go outside around last call, and have a few smokes, cool off, dry off, and then finally engage in some conversations with people, away from the music. Then when the place closes down and everyone's on the sidewalk, i find that the best time to make a move, rather than doing it at 10pm. So a woman who knows she's unavailable and proceeds to wrap herself around a man who is looking for action is doing the man a serious disservice. I had a beautiful voluptuous 25-year old german woman yesterday i was talking to several times through the night. She came outside right around 2, and came over to me. It was only 15 critical minutes later (as everybody is pairing and hookin up) that i find out from her friend that she is married and therefore unavailable. Her block is inadvertent; she means me no harm. But i scan around and all i see are dudes. Blah.
2.2 - The Scarecrow Girlfriend. Similarly, a girl who doesn't want you to hook up will have her hands all over you in conspicuous lit places, effectively marking her territory and calling other girls off, then when you try to take her home, she will suddenly turn tired or lose interest. As guys are intimidated to come up to girls who are being hit on by guys, women use this to beat off other women. She is acting as the 'decoy' girlfriend so that other women will assume you are 'taken'. Evil, huh?
2.3 - The Sniper. Your ex doesn't want you hooking up. So she sends word to you directly or indirectly, that she or her allies are going to visit the bar/club/party that was generally considered to be your pre-relationship 'territory', aka your hunting ground for new pussy. You are uncomfortable with her being there and your game goes to shit. You either get used to looking over your shoulder, or you decide to go to a different scene, one less familiar and warm to you. Regardless, you score less. If she doesn't show up, it's a phantom block. She's not there yet she's still able to affect your game.
2.4 - The Pendulum Sways. Your ex doesn't want you hooking up. When it seems like you're close to making a nascent committment with a new woman, she sends you some very warm emotional or sexual vibes. She confuses your emotions and makes it hard for you to decide to start a new relationship. However, she may have no intentions for restarting the relationship, she may just be playing you in the attempt to stymie any new committments.
2.5 - The We Need to Talk Guy. You and this girl are hitting it off. A guy who has been around for a while but hasn't talked to her comes up. She knows him instantly, and he insists he needs a couple minutes to talk. She resists and then complies, and he succeeds in separating you from who happens to be his ex-girlfriend so that she won't hook up with you. Or he just blatantly goes, "who is this guy?", or puts her on the defensive with a "you're not going home with him, are you? (snarl)". Or he just sits in the background staring, making you and the girl nervous and self-conscious, killing the romantic vibe.
3.0 - Le Jerry Springer Drama Ho. You and a woman are hitting it off wonderfully. Another woman who has drama issues with this woman or with you enters the arena, spots the two of you connecting, and decides to disturb the loving waters. She may embarrass either of you with things that shouldn't be said. She may unleash damaging secrets. In any case, she inadvertently destroys the vibe with her presence and the romance dissipates as you and your love interest are dragged into this particular circle of hell. "Fuck her, let's just leave" is the appropriate response. The run. Run far. Any attempt to intervene may cause an eye to be possibly scratched out.
4.0 - Biff, Anti-Wingman. A guy who's eyeing your chick comes in and pulls a Biff. He either splurges on drinks, busts out drugs, name drops, mentions the dope party he's going to, pulls up in his Boxster, or brings up your anus infection. Or asks you how it was havin sex with the last girl he remembered you having sex with. Or asks if you are still going out with [insert ex-girfriend's name here]. Regardless of what he's saying, he's being a terrible wingman, sabotaging your game.
4.1 - The Slandering Philanderer. Biff doesn't say anything to the girl at all. Instead he notices you flirting with the girl, and pulls you aside. He then proceeds to lie and tell you she's seeing somebody else or taken, she has some venereal disease,is a slut, a dramtic head case, not up to your standards, or just plain terrible in bed. You take this to heart and it influences your perception of her. You move on from the her after your mental image of her is trashed. You later notice Biff smooth talking the same girl, schmoozing unobstructed, now that you're gone from the picture. A classic cockblocking play.
5.0 - The Master of Bait. While you're dancing, getting drinks, or taking a pee, a sly guy jumps on your girl and offers her a tempting variety of drugs. She just luuuves drugs, so she follows him to his car or the bathroom, a dark corner, or his car. They don't save any or offer any to you, and she's probably giving the guy a blowjob anyways. Yes, i'm being cynical.
5.1 - The Man with the Black Leather Jacket. A guy physically inserts yourself between you and the girl you're talking with. Or when you go to the bathroom he sits on your on your jacket and your seat. Or you're dancing with or near a potential interest, and he keeps bumping into your physial space and has his torso and face consistently pointed in her direction. When i feel this unwelcome pressure, i tend to dance in a way that 'checks' this sort of violation.
6.0 - The Pit Stop Abducter. When a party group is migrating from one place to another, Biff says he's too drunk to drive or says he doesn't have a car, then proceeds to jump into the car with the most girls. He then redirects the car from it's destination to his home base or allied territory, where they get high or drink until the clothes come off. The other car is not contacted; their phone went 'straight to voicemail' or their battery ran out.
6.01 - The Navigator. Same scenario. Guy usurps your position with girl. Uses the excuse that since you know the directions, you should ride in the other car, or some variant of that excuse.
6.1 - Mr. Just One Drink. You and a girl are hooking up and your about to leave the bar/club/party together. Biff sees this and comes bursting with enthusiasm about this afterparty you both need to come to. The woman is easily swayed by this and says, "why not, let's just stop by for a little bit/onedrink/oneline?" You reluctantly agree. When you get to the afterparty, she is fawned on, drugs are thrown at her, and she is otherwise tied up. It effectively gets late, and the romance and privacy have effectively been derailed. And while you could have been making love since midnight, you're now stuck late at night having to sound like an old fart if you want to attempt to leave with her.
7.0 - The Straggler. This has to be my second worst pet peeve. You are at a girl's house or your house with a couple people, partying mellow. Everyone eventually couples up, and it ends up with you, the girl, and Biff. It's pretty obvious that you have more pull with the girl and that she will end up with you, or you have hooked up before in the past. You are cool with him, letting him get a buzz before leaving. She is hospitable. He stays and stays, oblivious to what you have going on. You and the girl would be in the bedroom by now, but she doesn't want to be rude. The guy plays the strings just right to keep all three of you locked in a limbo. He starts new conversations and puts on a new CD to give himself another hour of working space. You eventually get a little agressive, perhaps pull the guy aside while she's making tea, and say, "Would you mind?". He perhaps eventually leaves, if he's not too drunk to drive, and you and the girl eventually hook up, but she is too tired, seeing as it's almost 4:00 A.M.
7.1 - The Pathos Playa. (This one is like the anti-personnel mine of cockblocking. Far from 'taking one from the team'. This guy emits shrapnel that leaves no one unscarred. I loathe this strategy and never use it and despise anyone that does. I consider it a warcrime worthy of punitive retribution, for these are the slime of the earth.) So here we go. You and Biff are equally competing for the same girl. You have pulled ahead, and the girl has let you overtly know she wants to be with you. And she is implicity letting the other guy know 'maybe some other time' in a polite way. Biff refuses to let go, so he latches on until the tension escalates and the woman is forced into an uncomfortable situation where she must explicitly choose you over him. And you obviously want an end to this competition so you can enjoy her presence without any further disruption. The guy then shrugs, sulks, then goes away, making no secret of the sullen, dejected, depressed, and defeated mood he's now in. He makes a convincing attempt to look like he's going to jump off the nearest bridge. He has essentially rigged explosives onto the body of his dignity and blown himself up, injuring others in the process. He does this as a manipulation to pull the girl's strings, making her feel guilty for rejecting him and making you seem like the meanie. The woman, if indecisive and prone to manipulative tactics will apologetically retract and ask him to join you two in a tearjerking moment of pathos. He may hesitate for one cycle in order to solicit a stronger plea and a more lucrative, reinforcing invitation, then he will take that invitation. The rest of the night will be frustrating and uneventful and you will loathe this guy for taking such a lowball strategy.
7.2 - The Biter of Hands. You are having beers at a girl's place. The competing guy convinces you to go out to hook stuff up or to get beers or food. When you come back, the door is locked, or they're in her bedroom making out. Solution: bring beers first, making it his turn. Or pretend to leave, but go to the bathroom to take a last pee, and see if he stabs you in the back the second he thinks you've left.
7.3 - Charlie sans Angels. You ask your friend or dealer for drugs, let's say blow. He inquires to how you're going to use it. You reluctantly tell him you're going to be with this girl. He insists on coming along to do 'just one line'. Or you try to hook up stuff at a small, private gathering, and the guy insists on delievering instead of you picking it up because he hears female voices in the background. Unfortunately, he is uncouth, and his presence will keep everyone's clothes on. Or you go to a guy's place to hook stuff up, your girl comes along, and he insists on you guys staying for a bit. In the meantime, he's looking her up and down.
7.4 - The Unscrupulous Doser. Everyone's getting loaded. Biff knowingly offers you a drug or drink that is way too potent a dosage for your own good. You are left either passed out, puking, self-conscious, catatonic, sloppy, unable to drive, or just plain stupid acting. You become unappealing and he takes off with her.
7.5 - The Soul that Needs Reeling In. This one works in two directions. This time Biff may be faking or he may be sincere. If he is truthful, it is good to cut him slack. If he's faking, he's slime. The first direction would be for him to be a newbie to E and to be tripping in bliss and to conveniently discover your love interest is a goddess capable of lifting his lowly spirit up to the highest heavens with her angelic touch. No doubt she is flattered by this treatment; she's not used to playing in the realm of the immortals. So he gets a back rub, a hand massage, and her full attention, and no judgement or sharp edges. She may even drop her defenses like she would for a gay man. The other direction is the one where Biff is tripping balls off psychedelics or bad E, or is having some emotional difficulties, and is looking for a sympathetic ear. As inconvenient as this is for you, it is an inadvertent block, and he should be helped. I've had this particular scenario happen to me once, and the guy started trying to feel up my girlfriend until she looked at me to stop this. People do get trippy on drugs, and if people get positive feedback from sympathy and pity in their sober lives and through their childhood, it is not too far of them to do it while under the influence.
7.6 - The Machiavellian Territorialist. Men naturally compete with each other for women. Although we are slow to pick up things, we have realized that if we let our macho sides get the best of us, it ruins the vibe and it makes the ladies less receptive to our advances. So in the interest of gentlemanlyness, sportsmanship, and comradery, it is best to compete in a subtle, casual way that doesn't belie our burning desires and cutthroat tendencies. Likewise, we have resolutions against torture in war, and we shun violence in sports. We always enjoy a good winner. It leaves a good taste in our mouths. So it is best to keep the woman from feeling suffocated, lest she want neither of us. Plus we seem more mature. A good mutual strategy for two men competing over one woman is to alternate between shifting in the foreground and background. If you have confidence, let the guy have his moment in the spotlight, then you'll have yours. This way the woman can see what you two have to offer without the intervention of the other. you get more operating room to be yourself. Then the woman can figure out who she leans towards, and make a clearer decision. This way both guys get a chance to shine, and it increases their standing in her eyes. Plus she doesn't burn out on both of you, and she doesn't feel fought over. And this way she tends to connect with the person she likes better, which is how it should be anyways. However, not all competing men are confident gentlemen. Some men in this situation wage an undeclared Cold War against you, and consider any advance in your standing to be a 'security risk', to be the domino that starts the others crashing down. The guy doesn't let you out of his sight, doesn't give you and the girl a moment alone, and questions and checks every gesture of affection between you two. In his mind he is mapping the territories in Risk, and he is applying Machiavellian principles to romance, a big no-no. The woman is left with the impression that the two of your are merely postmodern Cro-Magnons.
8.0 - The Bidding War. Like a Sotheby's auction war between two rival socialites, Biff approaches and checks the woman's availability status. You step in and explain how you are going to take her wherever and do whatever. Biff then ups the bid by making a higher offer, forcing you to up yours or bow out. You're going back to smoke some weed; then he's got chronic. You're going to listen to a cd, he's got it on dvd. It's a very aggressive move on his part, and is only fair to do when there are no women left or if he really likes this particular woman as well. As far as i can recall, most women don't mind two suitors competing over her attention. So he either takes the woman or leaves you to have her, but after you have promised her so much more.
9.0 - Le Troisième Roue. You're chilling with a girl, out and about or wherever. Biff calls and asks who you're with, what you're doing, etc. You try to shy him off, but he won't take the hint. You eventually tell him who you're with, and he insists on joining. He's magically in the area, and when he meets up, he is a total third wheel, or he brings along friendly allies to drown out your feeble attempt at romance.
10.0 - The Non-Threatening Disarmer. You're chilling with a woman at a club. A guy she knows comes over, introduces himself in a friendly way to you. He asks her to come dance with him. He seems nonaggressive and noninterested enough, perhaps even gay, so you back out. Your naivite ends when you notice this non-threatening friend has got his tongue down the throat of your love interest on the dancefloor. All you can do at this point is dance solo close to them and seem like a stalke (What about me?), or you can find someone new and start over.
10.1 - The Accidental Tourist. You're finally in a private space with a girl in a crowded party. Biff comes in without knocking, 'accidentally' thinking this was the door to the bathroom. He lingers for a moment, making you two feel insecure about your sense of privacy.
11.0 - The Testosterone Bomb. You're chilling with a girl, talking about some sensitive nice-guy subject, say, how you dislike eminem's homophobic comments though you're not gay. Or how mainstream pornography is too biased towards the male ejaculation. Biff comes strolling up with his posse of Italian soccer players, and effectively blows up your game with his testosterone bomb and sinks your battleship. You begin the process of cleaning sand off your bifocals. Where are those damn things?
11.1 - The Bull in a China Shop. You and a girl are having an interesting conversation. The vibe is platonic, yet flirtatious. You are a shy guy and are keen on letting things progress in their own natural time. Biff's suddenly appears, and ups the ante on the level of flirtation, and turns everything into a sexual innuendo. The subtle romance you had no longer holds any taste in your mouths, because the flavor of Biff's cock has invaded your palettes. All he can allude to is sex, and while the girl is visibly squeamish, the conversation is alluring in an itchy way. You can find no effective way to rid yourself of him. Biff plays off of your repulsion and frustration to his advantage. The woman finds herself more attracted to Biff as time goes on.
11.2 - The Freaky Friend. Another inadvertent block. You, Biff, and two women are chilling in privacy. Everything looks rosy. In an overzealous attempt to try to be cool, Biff starts voicing bizarre, inflammatory, and controversial statements. These statements turn off the sensual/sexual vibe, and he reflects badly on you. The women consider him a freak, and assume you're guilty by association.
[ 23 October 2002: Message edited by: liquidocean ]
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In there the beginning there was the cock......
And the cock became horny, so it begged and God created the pussy. And it was good. God then created the human form in a caricature of Her own image, so that it might serve as mobile life support for the cock and pussy. And thus man and woman spent endless days copulating in the golf courses of the Lord, each orgasm a testament of their gratitude for their new-found genital expressions. Until one day, lo, the serpent appeared in the garden and beguiled them, persuading them to suppress their robust natural desires so that they may hoard the bounty of love.
Although living in an infinite valley of treasures beyond description, Adam and Eve were soon decieved. They discovered the insiduous power of sex, ate its fruit, and initiated us into our descent upon a Dark Age. Sex and power, soon came to be inextricably entwined, never to part but for the glowing light of mutual intimacy and trust. Not only the power to deny someone their sex, but to deny it to whomever they may want it from. So it is, and so shall it forever be. From Sisyphus' rock to the modern dating scene, abandon hope, all ye who desire to enter or be entered.
(Of course these generalizations and scenarios are not gender specific, i'm just writing from a guy's point of view and i'm trying to maintain consistency. And some may be intentional, some not. From the viewpoint of the person that's getting closer to finding love, it all sucks. And if they reflect my own personal biases, negativity, or shortcomings, so be it. I'm sure they also reflect some basic truth as well, and i'm always down for improvements or suggestions.)
1.0 - He who Burns More than Cigarettes. My number one personal pet peeve. You and a girl are having a cigarette, and are going outside (california) to have an intimate chat outside of the noisy crowd. You're having a nice private moment. A guy comes up and asks for a smoke or a light. You don't want to seem rude in front of the girl, so you offer. He then uses the offer as an excuse to enter the conversation without being invited, and then just keeps rambling and rambling, destroying your romantic moment. You don't want to seem rude, but he doesn't allow you a way out of the conversation, and the girl doesn't mind the attention from two guys. You are never able to return to the headspace respite of just you and the woman. Say hello to your new best friend.
2.0 - Waster of Critical Time. It's getting 1:30 am (around California bar/club closing time). You are hitting it off with a couple women. One aggressively asks you to take her home, implying she wants sex. You take her home, she suddenly turns cold and denies you. All of a sudden she's really tired or remembers she has to be up early tomorrow. You race back to the bar; it is closed and everyone's gone. All the other women you were hitting it off with are gone. You lose contact with your buddies who would know where the afterhours scene is. The woman she didn't want you to have sex with has probably gone off with some other guy or is jealous because she saw you taking off with the cockblocking woman. The cockblocking woman can be acting as a confederate or a henchwoman. You put your head in your hands and curse god. You go home alone and masturbate over the girl you should have gone for. The way to spoil this one is to not be too eager, and do get a down payment, maybe some making out or an oral committment, to test if their intentions are true.
2.1 - The Unavailable Flirt. When i go out to bars/clubs with good music, i prefer to dance rather than drink/schmooze, and then spend the last half-hour collecting myself and connecting with people who's dancing styles/vibes i liked. I then go outside around last call, and have a few smokes, cool off, dry off, and then finally engage in some conversations with people, away from the music. Then when the place closes down and everyone's on the sidewalk, i find that the best time to make a move, rather than doing it at 10pm. So a woman who knows she's unavailable and proceeds to wrap herself around a man who is looking for action is doing the man a serious disservice. I had a beautiful voluptuous 25-year old german woman yesterday i was talking to several times through the night. She came outside right around 2, and came over to me. It was only 15 critical minutes later (as everybody is pairing and hookin up) that i find out from her friend that she is married and therefore unavailable. Her block is inadvertent; she means me no harm. But i scan around and all i see are dudes. Blah.
2.2 - The Scarecrow Girlfriend. Similarly, a girl who doesn't want you to hook up will have her hands all over you in conspicuous lit places, effectively marking her territory and calling other girls off, then when you try to take her home, she will suddenly turn tired or lose interest. As guys are intimidated to come up to girls who are being hit on by guys, women use this to beat off other women. She is acting as the 'decoy' girlfriend so that other women will assume you are 'taken'. Evil, huh?
2.3 - The Sniper. Your ex doesn't want you hooking up. So she sends word to you directly or indirectly, that she or her allies are going to visit the bar/club/party that was generally considered to be your pre-relationship 'territory', aka your hunting ground for new pussy. You are uncomfortable with her being there and your game goes to shit. You either get used to looking over your shoulder, or you decide to go to a different scene, one less familiar and warm to you. Regardless, you score less. If she doesn't show up, it's a phantom block. She's not there yet she's still able to affect your game.
2.4 - The Pendulum Sways. Your ex doesn't want you hooking up. When it seems like you're close to making a nascent committment with a new woman, she sends you some very warm emotional or sexual vibes. She confuses your emotions and makes it hard for you to decide to start a new relationship. However, she may have no intentions for restarting the relationship, she may just be playing you in the attempt to stymie any new committments.
2.5 - The We Need to Talk Guy. You and this girl are hitting it off. A guy who has been around for a while but hasn't talked to her comes up. She knows him instantly, and he insists he needs a couple minutes to talk. She resists and then complies, and he succeeds in separating you from who happens to be his ex-girlfriend so that she won't hook up with you. Or he just blatantly goes, "who is this guy?", or puts her on the defensive with a "you're not going home with him, are you? (snarl)". Or he just sits in the background staring, making you and the girl nervous and self-conscious, killing the romantic vibe.
3.0 - Le Jerry Springer Drama Ho. You and a woman are hitting it off wonderfully. Another woman who has drama issues with this woman or with you enters the arena, spots the two of you connecting, and decides to disturb the loving waters. She may embarrass either of you with things that shouldn't be said. She may unleash damaging secrets. In any case, she inadvertently destroys the vibe with her presence and the romance dissipates as you and your love interest are dragged into this particular circle of hell. "Fuck her, let's just leave" is the appropriate response. The run. Run far. Any attempt to intervene may cause an eye to be possibly scratched out.
4.0 - Biff, Anti-Wingman. A guy who's eyeing your chick comes in and pulls a Biff. He either splurges on drinks, busts out drugs, name drops, mentions the dope party he's going to, pulls up in his Boxster, or brings up your anus infection. Or asks you how it was havin sex with the last girl he remembered you having sex with. Or asks if you are still going out with [insert ex-girfriend's name here]. Regardless of what he's saying, he's being a terrible wingman, sabotaging your game.
4.1 - The Slandering Philanderer. Biff doesn't say anything to the girl at all. Instead he notices you flirting with the girl, and pulls you aside. He then proceeds to lie and tell you she's seeing somebody else or taken, she has some venereal disease,is a slut, a dramtic head case, not up to your standards, or just plain terrible in bed. You take this to heart and it influences your perception of her. You move on from the her after your mental image of her is trashed. You later notice Biff smooth talking the same girl, schmoozing unobstructed, now that you're gone from the picture. A classic cockblocking play.
5.0 - The Master of Bait. While you're dancing, getting drinks, or taking a pee, a sly guy jumps on your girl and offers her a tempting variety of drugs. She just luuuves drugs, so she follows him to his car or the bathroom, a dark corner, or his car. They don't save any or offer any to you, and she's probably giving the guy a blowjob anyways. Yes, i'm being cynical.
5.1 - The Man with the Black Leather Jacket. A guy physically inserts yourself between you and the girl you're talking with. Or when you go to the bathroom he sits on your on your jacket and your seat. Or you're dancing with or near a potential interest, and he keeps bumping into your physial space and has his torso and face consistently pointed in her direction. When i feel this unwelcome pressure, i tend to dance in a way that 'checks' this sort of violation.
6.0 - The Pit Stop Abducter. When a party group is migrating from one place to another, Biff says he's too drunk to drive or says he doesn't have a car, then proceeds to jump into the car with the most girls. He then redirects the car from it's destination to his home base or allied territory, where they get high or drink until the clothes come off. The other car is not contacted; their phone went 'straight to voicemail' or their battery ran out.
6.01 - The Navigator. Same scenario. Guy usurps your position with girl. Uses the excuse that since you know the directions, you should ride in the other car, or some variant of that excuse.
6.1 - Mr. Just One Drink. You and a girl are hooking up and your about to leave the bar/club/party together. Biff sees this and comes bursting with enthusiasm about this afterparty you both need to come to. The woman is easily swayed by this and says, "why not, let's just stop by for a little bit/onedrink/oneline?" You reluctantly agree. When you get to the afterparty, she is fawned on, drugs are thrown at her, and she is otherwise tied up. It effectively gets late, and the romance and privacy have effectively been derailed. And while you could have been making love since midnight, you're now stuck late at night having to sound like an old fart if you want to attempt to leave with her.
7.0 - The Straggler. This has to be my second worst pet peeve. You are at a girl's house or your house with a couple people, partying mellow. Everyone eventually couples up, and it ends up with you, the girl, and Biff. It's pretty obvious that you have more pull with the girl and that she will end up with you, or you have hooked up before in the past. You are cool with him, letting him get a buzz before leaving. She is hospitable. He stays and stays, oblivious to what you have going on. You and the girl would be in the bedroom by now, but she doesn't want to be rude. The guy plays the strings just right to keep all three of you locked in a limbo. He starts new conversations and puts on a new CD to give himself another hour of working space. You eventually get a little agressive, perhaps pull the guy aside while she's making tea, and say, "Would you mind?". He perhaps eventually leaves, if he's not too drunk to drive, and you and the girl eventually hook up, but she is too tired, seeing as it's almost 4:00 A.M.
7.1 - The Pathos Playa. (This one is like the anti-personnel mine of cockblocking. Far from 'taking one from the team'. This guy emits shrapnel that leaves no one unscarred. I loathe this strategy and never use it and despise anyone that does. I consider it a warcrime worthy of punitive retribution, for these are the slime of the earth.) So here we go. You and Biff are equally competing for the same girl. You have pulled ahead, and the girl has let you overtly know she wants to be with you. And she is implicity letting the other guy know 'maybe some other time' in a polite way. Biff refuses to let go, so he latches on until the tension escalates and the woman is forced into an uncomfortable situation where she must explicitly choose you over him. And you obviously want an end to this competition so you can enjoy her presence without any further disruption. The guy then shrugs, sulks, then goes away, making no secret of the sullen, dejected, depressed, and defeated mood he's now in. He makes a convincing attempt to look like he's going to jump off the nearest bridge. He has essentially rigged explosives onto the body of his dignity and blown himself up, injuring others in the process. He does this as a manipulation to pull the girl's strings, making her feel guilty for rejecting him and making you seem like the meanie. The woman, if indecisive and prone to manipulative tactics will apologetically retract and ask him to join you two in a tearjerking moment of pathos. He may hesitate for one cycle in order to solicit a stronger plea and a more lucrative, reinforcing invitation, then he will take that invitation. The rest of the night will be frustrating and uneventful and you will loathe this guy for taking such a lowball strategy.
7.2 - The Biter of Hands. You are having beers at a girl's place. The competing guy convinces you to go out to hook stuff up or to get beers or food. When you come back, the door is locked, or they're in her bedroom making out. Solution: bring beers first, making it his turn. Or pretend to leave, but go to the bathroom to take a last pee, and see if he stabs you in the back the second he thinks you've left.
7.3 - Charlie sans Angels. You ask your friend or dealer for drugs, let's say blow. He inquires to how you're going to use it. You reluctantly tell him you're going to be with this girl. He insists on coming along to do 'just one line'. Or you try to hook up stuff at a small, private gathering, and the guy insists on delievering instead of you picking it up because he hears female voices in the background. Unfortunately, he is uncouth, and his presence will keep everyone's clothes on. Or you go to a guy's place to hook stuff up, your girl comes along, and he insists on you guys staying for a bit. In the meantime, he's looking her up and down.
7.4 - The Unscrupulous Doser. Everyone's getting loaded. Biff knowingly offers you a drug or drink that is way too potent a dosage for your own good. You are left either passed out, puking, self-conscious, catatonic, sloppy, unable to drive, or just plain stupid acting. You become unappealing and he takes off with her.
7.5 - The Soul that Needs Reeling In. This one works in two directions. This time Biff may be faking or he may be sincere. If he is truthful, it is good to cut him slack. If he's faking, he's slime. The first direction would be for him to be a newbie to E and to be tripping in bliss and to conveniently discover your love interest is a goddess capable of lifting his lowly spirit up to the highest heavens with her angelic touch. No doubt she is flattered by this treatment; she's not used to playing in the realm of the immortals. So he gets a back rub, a hand massage, and her full attention, and no judgement or sharp edges. She may even drop her defenses like she would for a gay man. The other direction is the one where Biff is tripping balls off psychedelics or bad E, or is having some emotional difficulties, and is looking for a sympathetic ear. As inconvenient as this is for you, it is an inadvertent block, and he should be helped. I've had this particular scenario happen to me once, and the guy started trying to feel up my girlfriend until she looked at me to stop this. People do get trippy on drugs, and if people get positive feedback from sympathy and pity in their sober lives and through their childhood, it is not too far of them to do it while under the influence.
7.6 - The Machiavellian Territorialist. Men naturally compete with each other for women. Although we are slow to pick up things, we have realized that if we let our macho sides get the best of us, it ruins the vibe and it makes the ladies less receptive to our advances. So in the interest of gentlemanlyness, sportsmanship, and comradery, it is best to compete in a subtle, casual way that doesn't belie our burning desires and cutthroat tendencies. Likewise, we have resolutions against torture in war, and we shun violence in sports. We always enjoy a good winner. It leaves a good taste in our mouths. So it is best to keep the woman from feeling suffocated, lest she want neither of us. Plus we seem more mature. A good mutual strategy for two men competing over one woman is to alternate between shifting in the foreground and background. If you have confidence, let the guy have his moment in the spotlight, then you'll have yours. This way the woman can see what you two have to offer without the intervention of the other. you get more operating room to be yourself. Then the woman can figure out who she leans towards, and make a clearer decision. This way both guys get a chance to shine, and it increases their standing in her eyes. Plus she doesn't burn out on both of you, and she doesn't feel fought over. And this way she tends to connect with the person she likes better, which is how it should be anyways. However, not all competing men are confident gentlemen. Some men in this situation wage an undeclared Cold War against you, and consider any advance in your standing to be a 'security risk', to be the domino that starts the others crashing down. The guy doesn't let you out of his sight, doesn't give you and the girl a moment alone, and questions and checks every gesture of affection between you two. In his mind he is mapping the territories in Risk, and he is applying Machiavellian principles to romance, a big no-no. The woman is left with the impression that the two of your are merely postmodern Cro-Magnons.
8.0 - The Bidding War. Like a Sotheby's auction war between two rival socialites, Biff approaches and checks the woman's availability status. You step in and explain how you are going to take her wherever and do whatever. Biff then ups the bid by making a higher offer, forcing you to up yours or bow out. You're going back to smoke some weed; then he's got chronic. You're going to listen to a cd, he's got it on dvd. It's a very aggressive move on his part, and is only fair to do when there are no women left or if he really likes this particular woman as well. As far as i can recall, most women don't mind two suitors competing over her attention. So he either takes the woman or leaves you to have her, but after you have promised her so much more.
9.0 - Le Troisième Roue. You're chilling with a girl, out and about or wherever. Biff calls and asks who you're with, what you're doing, etc. You try to shy him off, but he won't take the hint. You eventually tell him who you're with, and he insists on joining. He's magically in the area, and when he meets up, he is a total third wheel, or he brings along friendly allies to drown out your feeble attempt at romance.
10.0 - The Non-Threatening Disarmer. You're chilling with a woman at a club. A guy she knows comes over, introduces himself in a friendly way to you. He asks her to come dance with him. He seems nonaggressive and noninterested enough, perhaps even gay, so you back out. Your naivite ends when you notice this non-threatening friend has got his tongue down the throat of your love interest on the dancefloor. All you can do at this point is dance solo close to them and seem like a stalke (What about me?), or you can find someone new and start over.
10.1 - The Accidental Tourist. You're finally in a private space with a girl in a crowded party. Biff comes in without knocking, 'accidentally' thinking this was the door to the bathroom. He lingers for a moment, making you two feel insecure about your sense of privacy.
11.0 - The Testosterone Bomb. You're chilling with a girl, talking about some sensitive nice-guy subject, say, how you dislike eminem's homophobic comments though you're not gay. Or how mainstream pornography is too biased towards the male ejaculation. Biff comes strolling up with his posse of Italian soccer players, and effectively blows up your game with his testosterone bomb and sinks your battleship. You begin the process of cleaning sand off your bifocals. Where are those damn things?
11.1 - The Bull in a China Shop. You and a girl are having an interesting conversation. The vibe is platonic, yet flirtatious. You are a shy guy and are keen on letting things progress in their own natural time. Biff's suddenly appears, and ups the ante on the level of flirtation, and turns everything into a sexual innuendo. The subtle romance you had no longer holds any taste in your mouths, because the flavor of Biff's cock has invaded your palettes. All he can allude to is sex, and while the girl is visibly squeamish, the conversation is alluring in an itchy way. You can find no effective way to rid yourself of him. Biff plays off of your repulsion and frustration to his advantage. The woman finds herself more attracted to Biff as time goes on.
11.2 - The Freaky Friend. Another inadvertent block. You, Biff, and two women are chilling in privacy. Everything looks rosy. In an overzealous attempt to try to be cool, Biff starts voicing bizarre, inflammatory, and controversial statements. These statements turn off the sensual/sexual vibe, and he reflects badly on you. The women consider him a freak, and assume you're guilty by association.
[ 23 October 2002: Message edited by: liquidocean ]
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In fact I used to shock myself how easy finding love was, how little cockblocking went on, how complicated you can make it when its all so simple.
