NEMD The Soul/Funk/R&B thread

Count Bass D - Purchase Necessary 2 (Official Music Video)​


 
OMFG I just wrote this really long freaking story and it’s gone and I’ve got to get in the shower because I have NPO after noon which is what I was talking about to begin because I have a brain MRI at 3 o’clock where they have to access my right foot only for the contrast followed by a CT scan of the abdomen pelvis and chest area in Lieu of a PET scan. I should have at least one Pet and bone scan a year but the new office clerk seems to be in charge of my treatment and she seems to not like me too much. She has way too much control over how much treatment I even get which means ultimately she has too much control over my life and death.



I was joking saying how many mouthfuls of whipped cream are allowed prior to having such a procedure done today post NPO by mouth by an hour?! Like I give a shit.



You know the whole first year I was sick which by the way I walked in December 2015 right in the first week of January 2016 I just turned 45 and I never in 1 million years expected to be kicked in the stomach with any news much less that I had three months to live…



My entire life time - whenever I met someone who was terminal or even really sick - I remember well I turned tail and ran! I was scared shitless of people that were dying especially people younger than me because it was so tragic and what do you say? I mean I know now but back then, I avoided people who with tears in their eyes told me that they were terminal ….like the plague.



So the whole first year I was sick basically the way I see it that was doing everybody a favor all of that sounds awful narcissistic all of a sudden but anyway really though it was a favor to take Joey to the beach and walk him on a leash and he loved it… People would come up to marvel over the apparition of a cat pure white with blue and gold eyes, even in the surf with me on a leash. It was like seeing a mirage but not in the desert, but a deserted tropical island. it was obviously a subject of conversation.



It was great because I would see the same people when I was beach combing, walking or whatever - I was always at the shore at first which I’ll tell you why but to see these people and never once have them know that I was sick because I wouldn’t do that to someone except now - it’s been five years now and guess what?! I just gained ONE YEAR yesterday by the way… which I’ll try to remember to explain that one as it’s easy.



I’m sitting across from this doctor to go over my no info known returned test results. I would have thought that my mind would run with 1 million things but it didn’t. in fact it was really quiet. this doctor was a real prick and I was at his mercy I didn’t know I didn’t know that Medicaid was treated so vastly differently than private insurance. What I need to come back and do is tell you the one word that I heard first so quietly…



It’s disgusting and it’s a form of population control that I have screamed from Mount high when I was batshit crazy -

P
no one can hear me because it sounds red like a conspiracy theory but I am in it. I see it every day. I am the lowest on the totem pole and I get the worst treatment and they will kill me if they are given a chance and if they will make them some money as evidenced by how many times I’ve been told I have three months to live they were geared towards getting me to sign something or agree to something .



So the first Doctor Who gives me the news that’s been confirmed by seven CDC doctors out of Atlanta saying that I have a very rare cancer that I could have done nothing about that had grown and I didn’t notice it because on the left side it was the entire left breast like one breast with cancer and I didn’t notice the switch bc they weighed the same -they looked good .



He says you have three months to live. He says I would consider going and getting my affairs in order like moving in with your father. I said you know I just moved to the island and that’s huge - all my life I’ve dreamed of living on an island like in Florida of course but Texas is fine - let’s start somewhere before I get any older! So even though I knew I was losing my job bc I started using again and ended up in a 300 square-foot efficiency unit or nothing works because even if it’s called a resort and it is on the water and it is on the island… It’s a fucking dump. Yet I will take it no matter what because it’s on an island on the water I just wish it rain more here lol.



I had just gotten this cat he showed up at the door pure white like an angel with invisible wings with one blue eye and one yellow eye which I have a story behind the s

Serendipity of that which is just magical which I will hapve to tell some other time. So he tells me that’s all over - going to the ocean.

I didn’t ask what that meant but it was terrifying because I said I haven’t got to go yet and because I didn’t have a new job yet, I don’t feel right about recreation unless I am doing what I’m supposed to do like working. Otherwise it’s like I’m cheating and I can’t enjoy myself so I had not even gone fishing yet! I guess that was my concern is my freaking cat that’s no way in hell why toxoplasmosis so I’m dying in three months anyway! See but that wasn’t true…



In my mind’s Eye again I could see this man talking to me this way and me not really but in my imagination looking behind me at the wall like who the fuck is he talking to?! Like what the fuck is going on no one‘s ever spoken to me so shitty who is this man! Who the fuck does he think he is violating my civil rights that’s why like I need a tape recorder in here or something because I’ve never seen anything like this except I was bewildered. I needed guidance. I was terrified I just been told I had 90 days before I would be dead anyways just me and him!



I needed more than anything in the world for someone with even an inkling of a Hippocratic oath. I needed someone that could say anything at all about the situation I found myself in because I needed to talk to somebody or someone to tell me something was going to be OK or anything! Instead he says get your affairs in order, you have three months but he also said things that it’s taken me years to process but are very important which were:



I don’t want my staff wasting their time working on a Medicaid patient. I don’t want my staff wasting time on an appointment w a Medicaid patient so I’m gonna have you and any other Medicaid charity cases that I take on come in at five minutes till 5 o’clock only so they’ll keep you separated from the insurance patients… No I don’t have time to call those prescriptions in maybe tomorrow I am working on my regular insurance patients who actually pay money.



Going back to the lady at the breast cancer and cervical cancer center of Where I live where they had set up my Medicaid and SSI for me which as a single female it wasn’t as good as if I would had a mess of kids or a husband but they’ve managed to cut all that and now say I owe them 4000 but anyway I went back to her and said why did he say I’m a charity case?



She said you’re not charity he’s just being exaggerative because he saying for him it’s like doing the work for free because insurance pays so much more money to do the same things or for the same substances or medication or whatever. So in his mind he doesn’t have much incentive to work with you because he would much rather not have to do someone a favor which is what he feels that it is .



OK whatever man I mean this is my life and by now I realize what he was doing he didn’t want me as a patient so he was saying please for me don’t seek treatment because I don’t want to waste my time and money so just go on and die please ! How shitty can someone get that they would rather you go off and die then tell you to find a different doctor? Because he didn’t want to face that part of it like telling the mastermind guy that did the charity work as if that he really didn’t want to be a part of it because it was a waste of his time and money over my life and probably many other peoples?



I mean I have to quickly base all of my decisions on someone telling me to not seek treatment and you’ll be dead in three months. See when I say it like that that’s the way he presented it back like you know I offered but she said no she didn’t want treatment is the way that he went back and corrected everything after the fact so when I said I wanted a cancer team he said do you wanna fire me you wanna fire me do you wanna fire me! Like he was begging me to fire him which I’ve been told not to even though that was in my best interest with him but I didn’t know that yet… I had zero previous experience with the shit.



I came home - there’s so much I want to say - I’ve less than an hour so I’m late - i have to get in the shower.



People don’t want to hear his shit and I don’t even want to talk about it but I guess I need to because my time is coming to an end. I know it and no one wants to talk about it more than not me! I don’t want to be here! Actually I do want to be here don’t get it wrong I want to be here more than anything I don’t want to not be here. And it’s happening. Life just keeps going and I’m sorry I don’t want this God I don’t want this. However I still would like to apologize in advance for any more that I continue with the story.



I said I gained a year yesterday because I found my lease and I’ve been here for three years not two so it’s that simple what is gained is one more year so it makes … I think six years kin have passed my expiration date.



I just did everybody favors and it was a favor by just having a light conversation that first year - it was wonderful talking about beach combing or the water or weather. And me, knowing behind my eyes yeah I was sick but how much better the day was without that knowledge because if someone were to tell you that worst awful news there’s no other reaction than to be disappointed in someway whether it’s tremendously or just a little bit because you’ve already invested just a moment. There’s a part of us that doesn’t want to invest a second in someone that’s not going to be here AND we already know that because I was one of those people ! We’ve never learned to really talk about dying and I had no sense of any mortality until I’m being told I have three months. That should help out with having fun on psychedelics though… That lack of fear was everything!



So that was six years ago and I was told I had three months again to get me to have brain surgery five years ago I went crazy that time and turned my phone off completely for nine months I was still alive so I got with the program and went and had the surgery which I don’t think was necessary . Then September I was told I had two months because the clerk that’s in charge of my treatment let me go for eight months without chemo and I couldn’t get her to schedule it until she could get a test run and she kept putting chest problems instead of cancer or anything else so she just played with my life for eight months and during the eight months where the tumor had been obliterated in my brain which the doctor just admitted to me it had surprised the hell out of him because he never expected to see me again which is why he scheduled no follow up - I found out.



I am still concerned about the same exact spot thing because I thought you weren’t ever supposed to do it the same spot I just always heard that what machine broke taking five days at this game and I radiation surgery I took three weeks I took the one he screamed at me and said he was recording my conversation, I started crying and I said look I just want to know that I’m not dying. And then I hung up - I mean how callous these doctors get! You have someone like me and I just want some reassurance or some comfort or some nice words …



It blows me away at these doctors are such great actors Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde they’re all exactly the same none of them like Medicaid that’s proven in different ways which is quite interesting to compare, the very first doctor was willing to have me die to keep me from a patient of his. Because of that, my life changed so rapidly dropping every bucket list item in three months letting go of everything in my mind in three months because I had been told three months so I was waiting for this massive other shoe to drop and because he said my days of going to the beach were over , I grabbed my cat when I came home and we go straight to the ocean.



I taught him to walk on a leash in no time making him the neatest fucking cat on earth… He’s been my best friend my child he’s a nut he gets in the water he likes sushi he’s the smartest cat ever seen man he’s the best friend I could ever hope for. What a wonderful gift was given to me and I just never imagined that he might live past me I don’t think he’s going to do that well.



We had so much fun and that sickens me because in the face of such horrific adversity of dying and having I think the best time of ever had in my life just seems so surreal yet wrong. Like wow no God as any semblance of that pretty much dissipating in the environment around me but God it was beautiful and I would have tears daily of actual joy - something I had never even felt before.



Then that year passed Can I just imagine I have to be on borrowed time because I don’t know what’s going on. When it was time after chemo and surgery to have 38 radiation treatments and suddenly we’re not going to the beach anymore when we were going five days a week, all day and night with campfires all night sleeping in the car we just never wanted to go home we were sick as a dog on chemo and everything else I got every infection you can get except for vibrio the flesh eating disorder because of my lymphatic system being so compromised from all the surgeries… I took thousands of pictures and they were some of the hottest pictures I’ve ever taken of me so through intense adversity I got super hot which is crazy.



It all stopped but it’s been five years now and now I do tell people I’m sick almost on purpose I feel like bc it’s never the right thing to do - it sucks. I’ll have to finish this later and if I try to auto correct I’ll be couple hours late I’m probably going to have to reschedule anyway I don’t even know if I care anymore I know I do but is it going to matter that’s what I’m trying to say is I think it’s over and I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m going to do - there’s nothing to do - I’m at the mercy of it and I just don’t want to go.



Now I’m changing fast. my face - I cannot even recognize me. I’m very sick and i only hear my mind all like a doormat saying: I’m sorry! I am.

while this is not the right section for this song it has to go with what I randomly wrote over here hiding out… it means a lot to me.

 
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