Ambien is one thing I've never tried and I'm a downer drug guy through and through.
I'm trying to stay sane with a low H supply while being broke and at the same time desperately looking for a new job. I'm stressed to the max and considering shooting up to extend my supply, but I don't have any opiate using friends to show me how. I just have the sterilized equipment (27G 5/8" tip leur locks, cookers, sterile cotton, tourniquet). I can prep a shot fine but it is the physical act. It freaks me the fuck out and I really feel like I should have someone show me how to do this. I've taken such a shit kicking from life I really can't take it anymore. I'm trying to resist, stay strong but I can't I've already been sniffing dope all day every day for 5 years. The fuck does it matter. I'd rather not hit cold turkey and SUFFER.
Sorry, just a bit night. I mean, you know it's a bad night when you're considering poking your vein for the first time. I can't handle it anymore, any of it - the chronic pain in my spine that ruined everything for me, the borderline personality disorder, the panic disorder, the fucking depression, having not gotten laid in years (although I recently gained 20 pounds from doing yoga at home... since I was on dope, I could work out like I used to in that method... and I look great, and I'm trying hard so that might change). I'm still not over the miserable fucking way my last relationship ended, I don't think I ever will and we were together five years before suddenly she flew the coop. I'm sick of trying really hard to find a job yet being unemployed with two serious university degrees. I'm "overqualified" for normal jobs but that's all I want! To work at a fuckin coffee shop I'd be SO happy right now all I need to be happy is money for heroin... it's all becoming too much. Too depressing. I can't handle it. I really can't and I want to stick these needles in my arm but I'm inferior even in that regard. I need to extend my supply through shooting it because I'm pretty sure I could shoot 10mg over sniffing 30 to 40mg and get something similar in terms of keeping me out of that horrific withdrawal that can only be described as sheer torture. Like I never ever take breaks unless they are forced so withdrawal is SO bad at this point 5 years in. The chronic pain. The fucking chronic pain.
Sorry guys. Just not having the best night. I want to shoot ten milligrams so that I can be a little more relieved I won't hit cold turkey. I fear cold turkey a lot because I know with all my mental and physical health issues, and my present life situation which is just a SHIT life... I mean I'm going through rough times, I'll see better days! I'll get with a cute chick again, I'll get a job for sure, I'm even getting jacked like before from strictly yoga. Really flexible too. I can't believe I gained 20 pounds from yoga and this is after becoming a vegetarian. I think I have a bright future but I'm going through some dark times and shooting my supply could be a life-breaker right there.
I'm normally fine sniffing a point or 2 a day (more like 2 or 3 these days) and that's a manageable habit with a job. I'm working my ass off to get hired and getting nowhere. I'm so fucking sick of everything I just want it to end. Sorry for the negativity but I'm fucked up. Weekends are not weekends for me because I don't have any friends anymore, and I don't have a job so every day is exactly the same.
I had a couple part time job leads tonight (after my original lead flopped and I just said fuck it and asked a couple people at some stores how they got hired) - and that was nice, because it isn't this modern day online bullshit. It's meeting me in person and I mean I don't look like a stereotypical junkie. I'm built, very healthy looking so I can get away with it and be sneaky. I mean, for 5 years I've kept it hidden. But I'm fed up. I just want my life to be over and done with. I'll keep fighting because I'm a fighter at heart. Things will get better.
But I fucking wish I was dead in the meantime. I really tried hard to befriend a number of cute women this spring. I was just looking for a little fun and some springtime romance. I was rejected every time. I don't fucking get it I'm a nice guy and approaching 200lbs from daily yoga and a super clean vegetarian diet. So I just gave up. It's better not to suffer rejection after rejection. I'm not stupid, I get the picture. I'm not good enough, I haven't had sex in years and out of all of this, that is by far the worst to me. It makes me want to slip my wrists and end it. Opiates don't make it go away because I work out enough that my sex drive is rampant. It's just hell being this lonely. It makes me welcome death with open arms. I can't handle the loneliness anymore it's half the reason I abuse the drugs and don't just take them for pain. I'm not getting sex and intimacy that I need to be happy. So I just fuck off and do drugs. There's literally zero hope in my mind. I have a lot of confidence, smart as fuck, creative, like I have low self esteem guys and I'm a fuckin loser I'm just trying to boost myself up here. I have a lot going for me. I'm 6'1 and approaching 200 lbs, very flexible too and physical attraction is not the issue. And I'm very social. It's just I'm still learning because I had too many problems growing up I didn't know how to handle this kind of stuff. But, I guess people just sense how lonely I am. Damaged goods. Must be a total loser if he's like that, right? Except I'm not. I jam the fuck out of guitar, I am becoming a yogi master, and I had one 5 year relationship so I'm not exactly clueless in bed. I don't get it and I never will. I just wanted a girl to spend time with this spring and summer and it's just not going to happen again. Again. Again again again.
I'm really thinking of sticking that needle in my arm. Too much is going on and it's better than hanging myself.
Anyways, sorry to vent like this. I apologize. I'm just really not doing well and I'm scared. All I can do is hate unless I am taking heroin. And I'm running out, I still haven't found employment and when I run out I'll stare at a wall until somehow I get more having no money or initiative or motivation to get more. It is hell, I can't go through it again. I need to just do it I an prep a shot easily I've done it. I have trouble with the registering part. Anyways, that's for me to try and figure out on my own. I'm just a fucking loser in life anyway and the sooner I die the better. I apologize for venting in this thread. Usually I am pretty cheerful but the issue are too much for me to bear. I tried SO hard with this one girl and it wasn't like stupid try it was really working on her several times a week for months... got nowhere. I'm just a piece of fucking trash that can't even get laid let alone into a relationship. I'm done. I just want to be done. I fucking hate my iife. I'll take a sniff tonight but when my supply is really low, I'll have to shoot it. I have no choice unless I want to hit full blown withdrawal with this many problems. I see myself killin myself if that happens. And I'm not just sitting here not working on things. I've been applying to so many jobs, talking to girls literally as often as I can and just trying to be chill and friendly and funny, the yoga is improving my health insanely I can't believe it, and becoming a vegetarian was such an awesome choice. But still, I'm not good enough for them. What the fuck does it take. Whatever it takes, I'll never have it. Now, why do I have trouble shooting myself up if I hate myself so much? I need someone to show me how, but I don't have any friends. So I'll run out of H and feel like a retard for not trying to iv it and needing so much more.