Long story short, my mother locked away all my psychoactive prescription drugs (which I abused a lot) and now I only take it as prescribed. It still alters my consciousness in subtle ways, but I have not been this sober in probably 6 months, a long time for me. I just fantasize about the future since I have recently found a new source of income and can now move the fuck out with a roommate who has plenty of drug-using friends. Completely involuntary sobriety, relative sobriety, at least. I convinced my mother to start me back up on Adderall daily for ADD probably (definitely?) because of my desperation to not be sober.
Last night was the first time I had been 100% clean in a very long time. I had extreme suicidal depression and anxiety so intense my resting heart rate was 150bpm. Just horror.
I really do plan on getting off the damn benzos though, my psychiatrist will taper me off next month. I'm hoping it won't be too bad of an experience.