Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[birdup]

I've made an extraordinary amount of progress over the past couple of years, thanks to the pandemic and becoming a father and going back to work.

If I was just getting high with no responsibilities, I never would have gotten anywhere. I was stuck in a spoilt loop, stuffing my veins and my lungs and my stomach with drugs that I shouldn't be able to afford.

Money is a great way to manage addiction, assuming you're not rich. Thank God I am not; this would all be much harder if I was... although, how much of my self medication is due to a lack of funds? (That's just the devil on my shoulder whispering bullshit into my ear. Ignore him.)

I'm going to start living within a budget.

For too long have I spent over 10k a year on drugs. I can't justify that with a family to look after. My wife grew accustomed to it long ago, before we had kids. It doesn't make sense now. I am being given allowances that disallow me to be happy.

I don't want money anymore.
I don't like money. I never have.

 

[Jabberwocky]

But it’s like now it’s all happening im
A bit scared and was tempted to fly home and not tell my family and just stay in a hotel and use for a week before I go in.

I’m ambivalent about it. I’m torn. Some days I want sobriety really bad and get very depressed that I can’t stop and think about doing stupid things…

Other days I’m super motivated to go get the help I need.

its totally normal to feel ambivalent about going to rehab. it means you're gonna have to give up drugs, at least while you're there, and you're gonna have to face the issue head on.

i'd really try not to go on a bender before rehab. just cos i did that and nearly died. you have already ODd, you could end up with permanent brain damage. its not worth it. that sort of desperate last stand style using isn't fun anyway. at best its oblivion.

Money is a great way to manage addiction, assuming you're not rich. Thank God I am not; this would all be much harder if I was... although, how much of my self medication is due to a lack of funds? (That's just the devil on my shoulder whispering bullshit into my ear. Ignore him.)

I'm going to start living within a budget.

i totally get you, but i assume in you junky days you found ways to make the money you need to use? i.e. lack of money didn't really stop you. but i do get that when you have responsibilities, spending your finite amount of income on drugs seems less justfiable.

fuck, i used to measure my smack habit in multiples of my mortgage per month. then with crack it was multiples of my mortgage per day. i actually nearly got a sizeable inheritance in the worst of my addiction. i might still get it, its going through the polish court system cos an absolute cunt who abandoned my step gran when she was in DTs (after which she understandably removed him from her will) is contesting it and the judiciary is at war with the government so a simple case like this takes over 5 years. but that saved my life probably. i've heard of people in NA blowing much larger inheritances and living to tell the tale, but i'm not sure i would.

anyway, good luck budgeting. would it help to have some specific goals? like is there anything in the house needs upgrading, or maybe take the family on holiday?

i'm really stressed about money right now. i earn very decent money but the house is swallowing loads. plus this week i had a £200 vet bill and then £270 on eye test and glasses, though i hope work might contribute to that since i need glasses to do my job. i don't know how people survive, like neither of those is really optional.

i feel very low today (see alcohol thread for why) and very much hate myself. for the first time in a long time i really want some heroin. i just wanna not feel like this. i'm angry at myself and my boyf and i don't know why i'm so intolerant. i feel like my recovery is a fucking lie, after all the work i've done, i shouldn't behave the way i did last night.

 

[Blankenstein]

its totally normal to feel ambivalent about going to rehab. it means you're gonna have to give up drugs, at least while you're there, and you're gonna have to face the issue head on.

i'd really try not to go on a bender before rehab. just cos i did that and nearly died. you have already ODd, you could end up with permanent brain damage. its not worth it. that sort of desperate last stand style using isn't fun anyway. at best its oblivion.

Yeh I know….
I upgraded my insurance today so I will be covered completely at my stay. My mother was very happy and so were my friends and brother. I don’t think they will believe I’m going until I walk through the door.

I’m going up to the remote station for a week which will interesting give how much they drink.

And I’m feeling really low and depressed. My friends and family think I should just not go as im not well mentally and also I’ve got some arbnormal kidney function.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeh I know….
I upgraded my insurance today so I will be covered completely at my stay. My mother was very happy and so were my friends and brother. I don’t think they will believe I’m going until I walk through the door.

I’m going up to the remote station for a week which will interesting give how much they drink.

And I’m feeling really low and depressed. My friends and family think I should just not go as im not well mentally and also I’ve got some arbnormal kidney function.

any news man? i guess you've had your week? i really hope you're still planning to go in. it will be the best thing you can do, you really need it. quitting at home isn't working, using is endangering your life, you don't sound like someone who is having fun or happy.

i've been OK on the recovery front. more bollocks at work, with the same guy. but otherwise not too bad. not perfect with the not drinking, but better to the extent i'm not overly bothered about it any more. max 2 nights a week apart from a blip last week when my boyf was out so my brain was like DRINK AND BINGE/PURGE now so even though i didn't want to do either, i did.

 

[Blankenstein]

any news man? i guess you've had your week? i really hope you're still planning to go in. it will be the best thing you can do, you really need it. quitting at home isn't working, using is endangering your life, you don't sound like someone who is having fun or happy.

i've been OK on the recovery front. more bollocks at work, with the same guy. but otherwise not too bad. not perfect with the not drinking, but better to the extent i'm not overly bothered about it any more. max 2 nights a week apart from a blip last week when my boyf was out so my brain was like DRINK AND BINGE/PURGE now so even though i didn't want to do either, i did.

Do you normally drink and purge on the same day? I don’t recall you saying you do that? Was it purely that you had an opportunity presented to do it? Apart from numb nuts at work are you overly stressed about other stuff?

Yeh 2 weeks away at work ended a few hours ago. Already had a Little Rock of smack waiting for me at home, but went out and got some more before I settled down for the evening.

Kidney function came back normal after some more tests thank fuck…

I can’t remember if I said in this thread that I ended up quitting my job sooner rather than later. I have been talking to one of the bluelight members who frequents this thread, they have been really supportive checking in on me . I was saying that I had to quit as it was not good for my mental health. I can just feel myself unravelling mentally.

I’m sure if I removed drugs from the equation I wouldn’t feel so drained physically and mentally all the time. I think while I was away for the 2 weeks I used prescription pills (tramadol, Benzos and lyrica) or drank excessively every night.

I got off the plane from work to a bunch of missed calls and messages from my brother, a couple of friends and a colleague.

Everyone knows I was getting home this evening and is obviously worried I’m going to use and they all know I’m using heroin. As I’m typing this it makes me realise I am blessed to have people that love me and care about me and I shouldn’t be annoyed at it. They just want to help me.

The latest on rehab is that I need to call the psychiatrist I have a referral to at the hospital in order to make an appointment. To be honest I’ve been putting off making that call for a couple of days.

My mate who has been fantastic about finding out info for me and making phone calls was one of the people who I’ve had missed calls and messages from for a couple of days actually. I told
him I am calling the psychiatrist tomorrow and he is like “well, are you actually?” And I will, but my enthusiasm for wanting to go to rehab isn’t as strong as it was 2 weeks ago. My mate was like “well if you can’t see the psychiatrist for 2 weeks, can you please not use drugs until then”

I mean I had been up since 4:30am, without having really slept because that was my last day of work, no more money coming in, no rehab sorted, lots on my mind… I had then driven all day, just gotten off a plane that the air conditioning didn’t work so I couldn’t breathe, I was trying to organise buying heroin without causing my mother to be stressed and just knowing how the next however long is going to play out (IF I don’t fight, if I don’t try and fight then I wont have a chance at succeeding).

My response to him sounded a little tired, worn out mentally and physically and I just said “man if it was that simple I wouldn’t be needing to go and see him in the first place…”

Anyway that’s my half high rambling worn out response to whatever question you originally asked me!

Haha oh man that was actually kind of a cathartic message to think about, somewhat gather my thoughts and write them out.

I started out kind of annoyed because I’ve been asked a similar question by a lot of people today/yesterday/past fortnight etc… Some people are hounding me to stay focused and try get my ass to rehab and some people are workmates asking what I’m doing for work to which i just say I’m going surfing (a couple that I’m close to do actually know).

But yeh half way through writing that I just laughed out loud and I feel a lot better now. thanks for checking in on me! Oh man I’m a wreck!

TLDR;
Got back from work this evening. I am not as enthusiastic as I was, but I will do it. I have picked up and used (made sure to do small shots as haven’t used any opiates stronger than tramadol in 2 weeks).

 

[Blankenstein]

I am now being admitted to the facility on Friday. It’s only a 2 week detox kind of thing along with group work etc… at least I’m trying something different.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I am now being admitted to the facility on Friday. It’s only a 2 week detox kind of thing along with group work etc… at least I’m trying something different.

excellent!! i'm so glad you've taken some positive action. will you be arranging rehab for directly after? removing drugs will make you feel physically better, but there is the psychological element which requires hard work. i could get clean by going on holiday, then score the second i got home cos i'd done no work to tackle the reasons for my using. 2 weeks of group work won't be enough.

when actually going gets closer, its natural to get less and less enthusiastic. i was always great at vehemently planning to stop using at some point in the distant future. never could quite manage when the future became now.

re me drinking/purging on the same day, since i moved back in with my boyf i've almost always only purged when i've been drinking. when i was at my parents it was every day regardless, sometimes twice a day. i told my boyf i'd been purging as soon as i moved in so i knew i couldn't get away with it. but, when i've been drinking i have a ready made excuse to be sick, and am impaired so make much worse choices. i almost never plan it, its always on impulse after i've eaten more than i feel comfortable with.

last week though it was planned. i've been getting so fed up never being able to eat what i want cos i've been trying to lose weight almost continuously over year- and have lost a fair bit. so when i knew my boyf would be out, so i could do it and get away with it, i went for it. i'm glad i don't get that opportunity very often cos otherwise i'd probably get into a bad habit with it.

 

[Blankenstein]

excellent!! i'm so glad you've taken some positive action. will you be arranging rehab for directly after? removing drugs will make you feel physically better, but there is the psychological element which requires hard work. i could get clean by going on holiday, then score the second i got home cos i'd done no work to tackle the reasons for my using. 2 weeks of group work won't be enough.

when actually going gets closer, its natural to get less and less enthusiastic. i was always great at vehemently planning to stop using at some point in the distant future. never could quite manage when the future became now.

re me drinking/purging on the same day, since i moved back in with my boyf i've almost always only purged when i've been drinking. when i was at my parents it was every day regardless, sometimes twice a day. i told my boyf i'd been purging as soon as i moved in so i knew i couldn't get away with it. but, when i've been drinking i have a ready made excuse to be sick, and am impaired so make much worse choices. i almost never plan it, its always on impulse after i've eaten more than i feel comfortable with.

last week though it was planned. i've been getting so fed up never being able to eat what i want cos i've been trying to lose weight almost continuously over year- and have lost a fair bit. so when i knew my boyf would be out, so i could do it and get away with it, i went for it. i'm glad i don't get that opportunity very often cos otherwise i'd probably get into a bad habit with it.

I’m not sure what I’m doing when I leave here. Probably be here between 2/4 weeks. I don’t particularly feel like going to a long term place.

Of the addiction groups that I go to in here everybody seems to be here pretty much for alcohol. I feel a bit different when being asked to talk about things and nobody seems to use anything other than alcohol so I don’t want to say things that some people don’t relate to or think I’m crazy or something. Kind of like not wanting to share to much about drugs at an AA meeting. Feel a little isolated here because of that I suppose. Though the dude running the group I’m in is actually very good.

Though having said that I do have a massive problem with alcohol and have for a long time so I totally relate to a lot of what other people are saying.

 

[Jabberwocky]

can then not take you to NA too? ffs!! they should be catreing to you too.

i had the same issue in my rehab, i was the only one not in for booze. but i didn't care about what the others thought of me, i was there for me. and they did do 50/50 NA/AA and i kicked up a fuss whn they tried to swap some of the NA for AA. i'm glad you are able to relate at least. i never shared in the AA meetings cos i felt like i had nothing to say and would be judged for my drug use.

of course you don't particularly feel like going to a longer term place. you're not going for fun, and it won't be fun. but 4 weeks really isn't enough IMO. i only did 2 months, but the difference between me after month 1 vs month 2 was massive. i had a really awful drug dream that sent me back quite far and some other stuff came up for me that basically meant, had i left afrer 1 month, 'd have relapsed straight away. 1 guy i was in with who only did a month was back in there within a week.

 

[Blankenstein]

can then not take you to NA too? ffs!! they should be catreing to you too.

i had the same issue in my rehab, i was the only one not in for booze. but i didn't care about what the others thought of me, i was there for me. and they did do 50/50 NA/AA and i kicked up a fuss whn they tried to swap some of the NA for AA. i'm glad you are able to relate at least. i never shared in the AA meetings cos i felt like i had nothing to say and would be judged for my drug use.

of course you don't particularly feel like going to a longer term place. you're not going for fun, and it won't be fun. but 4 weeks really isn't enough IMO. i only did 2 months, but the difference between me after month 1 vs month 2 was massive. i had a really awful drug dream that sent me back quite far and some other stuff came up for me that basically meant, had i left afrer 1 month, 'd have relapsed straight away. 1 guy i was in with who only did a month was back in there within a week.

Yeh I mean the groups aren’t “AA” groups. It’s just out of the 12 people 10 are basically only alcohol problems so it seems a bit alcohol centric, which as I said I totally relate to and have had/still do have massive problems with alcohol so I get everything that is shared. And triggers are triggers, regardless of whether it makes you drink, gamble, smoke meth, use heroin, over eat etc…

It’s all self destructive behaviour that is used to cover up emotions and cope with life’s fuckery.

I will say the dude that runs the group is like a wizard and always tries to include every person. He is incredibly good. I just need to put in practice what he is teaching us.

I’ve got to confess i have been struggling the last couple of days and cracked today and got someone to drop off some pills for me. I feel guilty and dishonest. I just wanted to relieve my intense anxiety and feel better for a few hours, but i hope it hasn’t opened the flood gates. The dude I got to drop off I had a reasonably long chat with him.

He’s in his 50’s and generally cares and is like “please don’t go back to the down when you get out man. Look what it did to me and his missus” He says I remind him of himself when he was 20 years younger. (He didn’t know i was in the clinic when I asked him to swing past, though when we sat down and talked I told him where I was at”. I kind of want to come clean to my counsellor.

Going to group tomorrow and not being honest I feel is going to eat me up. I also don’t want to be kicked out and devastate my family that I could only last a few days.

At the moment I’m not feeling super confident about what the future holds for me. I’ve been talking to a few friends and they are all super proud of me and giving me a lot of support.

Sometimes I feel like I’m doomed. I only switched to heroin towards the end of last year after everyone I spoke to told me not to do it. Why don’t I/we ever listen. I really hope I haven’t only just embarked on this journey of self destruction. I feel like at the moment I don’t have a lot left in the tank.

 

[Jabberwocky]

come clean. please please please come clean. you will do better being honest than failing an on the spot drug test. that would probably get you chucked out.

and set up rehab for the second you get out of there. this shows how much you need it.

also, why the fuck are they letting you have your phone and money? wtf? and visitors already? in the UK most detox and rehabs don't allow this for this exact reason.

you have to sit through hard feelings to get to the other side. if you keep using on them, you'll never get through them, so you'll be stuck in addiction forever.

you need to get a more long term solution in place. you have been so unhappy this past year, this is your chance. and you said, its some 'once in a lifetime mental health crisis thing' which sounds to me like you can't count on another. so make this one work. please @Blankenstein you are so much better than what your addiction is reducing you to.

 

[Eldritch Palmer]

Day 3, no weed.
Super sharp today.
Work is so much easier.

I can't do the brain fog thing anymore now that I'm back at work and have kids. Getting fucked up every day is a bachelor lifestyle. I need to grow up.

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

I managed to get off the drugs I was still doing habitually last year. I had cut out opiates the year before (minor relapses for a day or two aside), but was still on amphetamine, weed and cigarettes, and I kept indulging in benzodiazepines way too often.
It culminated in a pretty severe psychotic break last summer that had me running around town chasing ghosts and god knows what else.

I landed a job sometime around September/October (not sure about when tbh), and an apartment by the end of December.

I was in terrible shape after getting a herniated disc in my neck back in 2019. Lost a lot of weight during those years, but I began exercising sometime around November/December and I've put on a good amount of weight since then.

I still smoke weed on occasion, but I've got no problem going weeks or months without it now.

None of my friends here really knew about the scope of my addiction and issues as I managed to keep it under wraps, but keeping it a secret is also what made it hard for me to reach out and get help or support.


The person who supported and helped me the most, and who was, and still is, always there for me to talk to, is @cduggles - something I'll always be grateful for, and she'll always have a special place in my heart.

I don't have any cravings for drugs (well, that's a lie - I still want and like LSD and ketamine, and I've gotten the magic back on MDMA), so I have a generally positive outlook on the future.

My sisters jokingly tell me I'm more of a snarky asshole when sober, but you can't win them all, can you?

The consequences of my junky years are still piling up on me, but I no longer see suicide as a solution to those problems.
I also found a therapist that I feel really gets me, and that helps a lot.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The consequences of my junky years are still piling up on me, but I no longer see suicide as a solution to those problems.
I also found a therapist that I feel really gets me, and that helps a lot.

amazing!!! well done. i'm so glad you're doing well.

consequences of using last a long time. some for life. i spent a good chunk of last year under investigation for health problems that are likely the result of my using. and i don't think its possible to recover financially given the huge hole i got myself in.

but, its so much better now than when i was using.

 

[Blankenstein]

come clean. please please please come clean. you will do better being honest than failing an on the spot drug test. that would probably get you chucked out.

and set up rehab for the second you get out of there. this shows how much you need it.

also, why the fuck are they letting you have your phone and money? wtf? and visitors already? in the UK most detox and rehabs don't allow this for this exact reason.

you have to sit through hard feelings to get to the other side. if you keep using on them, you'll never get through them, so you'll be stuck in addiction forever.

you need to get a more long term solution in place. you have been so unhappy this past year, this is your chance. and you said, its some 'once in a lifetime mental health crisis thing' which sounds to me like you can't count on another. so make this one work. please @Blankenstein you are so much better than what your addiction is reducing you to.

I know I’m just really struggling. The fucking benzos did nothing as I feel so guilty. Ate 13 Valium and don’t feel anything other than guilt.

I guess I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

amazing!!! well done. i'm so glad you're doing well.

consequences of using last a long time. some for life. i spent a good chunk of last year under investigation for health problems that are likely the result of my using. and i don't think its possible to recover financially given the huge hole i got myself in.

but, its so much better now than when i was using.

Thank you so much chinup, that means a lot

Yeah, let's just say I won't be buying a Tesla anytime soon either. I got lucky health wise though and probably dodged more than one bullet.

It's definitely better than using. Life is so much easier (or harder in other ways, maybe?) when getting a fix and lying and scheming isn't the only thing that occupies one's mind.

 

[Nas47]

I know I’m just really struggling. The fucking benzos did nothing as I feel so guilty. Ate 13 Valium and don’t feel anything other than guilt.

I guess I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Fuck never ate at once more than a five..with tha bottle of poppy pod tea....a long time ago.Now over the course of 2-3 years on bigger -20mg daily.Felt nothin ofcourse...just hold davhabbit

 

[Blankenstein]

Life is so much easier (or harder in other ways, maybe?) when getting a fix and lying and scheming isn't the only thing that occupies one's mind.

I hate the lying and scheming it eats me up and makes me feel so worthless and ashamed.

 

[Blankenstein]

@chinup yeh just came clean to my group counsellor. He was very good and we went down and spoke to my nurse and now my doctor is coming to see me.

It sucks that I was expressing my concerns in group about issues that I’m going through and after one of the women In particular and a few other people were like “good on you Tim for expressing how you feel and I know it’s not easy for you” and all I could think is yeh it’s because I’ve taken 7 Valium an hour before coming into group.

Feel like such a fraud…

 

[Blankenstein]

@chinup yeh just came clean to my group counsellor. He was very good and we went down and spoke to my nurse and now my doctor is coming to see me.

It sucks that I was expressing my concerns in group about issues that I’m going through and after one of the women In particular and a few other people were like “good on you Tim for expressing how you feel and I know it’s not easy for you” and all I could think is yeh it’s because I’ve taken 7 Valium an hour before coming into group.

Feel like such a fraud…

Now thinking about having let my friends and family down isn’t making me feel great. Pretty bummed.