Blankenstein
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2021
- Messages
- 410
-
H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
no it’s totally fine. Everyone is telling me how well I’m doing. You are just speaking your mind/opinion based on your personal experiences, experiences of peers and from what I have shared over the past year or so. It’s not what I want to hear because it’s more than likely true. So i threw a bit of a tantrum. But hey I’m just a big baby
i wouldn't say you're a big baby, you're going through some difficult shit. how are you getting on now? are you able to comply better with the treatment? what are your plans for getting out? i still really think you should go to rehab honestly. just get it sorted now.
yeah, i think we all do that. i wasn't planning to by the end of rehab. i was in with a guy who left planning to just drink on the weekend with his mates. he was back in rehab a week later.
even with a relatvely long time in recovery, drinking only on the weekend hasn't exactly gone amazingly for me.....
speaking of which. i'm gonna really try not to drink tonight. its just not worth it, when i'm just at home it doens't feel that great any more and even if i'm sensible, i feel it the next day. my boyf already has beers in the fridge though which is tempting me. he drank last night and i resisted. argh fml!!
Blankenstein
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2021
- Messages
- 410
I’ll just be honest I’ve fucked up twice this week. Bought heroin and used in here twice.
Used last night and asked a nurse for Valium at 1 in the morning she definitely suspected something. I Just had to do a urine analysis, but they didn’t say what they were testing for just said I was meant to do one when I first got here 2 weeks ago and they couldn’t find the results.
They told me I have blood in my urine so I need to do follow up tests, which is a bit scary (it’s not visible, but the tests showed it up). Im not sure if they tested for opiates? It’s a public holiday and it’s the evening so they might be waiting til the morning to tell me to leave? I asked if there was anything else abnormal and she said no.
I hate being dishonest I’m thinking about just owning up to it anyway if they don’t call me out on it. Kind of would rather leave knowing I was honest than be allowed to stay, but be dishonest to myself and all the staff and other patients trying to better themselves. I really don’t know
Though I do feel more optimistic after using the second time for some reason. I hated myself after the first time. But yeh I don’t feel hopeless like i did when I fucked up 7 days ago.
I went to an NA meeting today with a friend and after the meeting i told him what I did and he said he knew something was up. He is super worried about me since he lived the heroin addict life for several years and sees me slipping away.
Im thinking long term or maybe naltrexone implant? I’m definitely not using in here again if they don’t boot me. Going to get them to cut the benzos off tomorrow as well.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
fuck @Blankenstein how are you doing?
i really hope things are improving for you. i agree with your mate tbh you seem to be slipping away.
are you making plans to get into a proper long term rehab? you need it. and the more proactive you are now, the better it will be. as i've said before, getting into a state where you're forced inpatient takes years of utter hell and is awful when you get there. so its better to do it now.
don't beat yourself up about using in detox. i know plenty of people who have. sadly, they usually regret it. the sooner you can stop and accept the work you need to do to get into recovery, the better.
i really hope things are improving for you. i agree with your mate tbh you seem to be slipping away.
are you making plans to get into a proper long term rehab? you need it. and the more proactive you are now, the better it will be. as i've said before, getting into a state where you're forced inpatient takes years of utter hell and is awful when you get there. so its better to do it now.
don't beat yourself up about using in detox. i know plenty of people who have. sadly, they usually regret it. the sooner you can stop and accept the work you need to do to get into recovery, the better.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
@Blankenstein how are you doing? i'm worried.
i've drank every day since thursday but haven't been drunk once, still not pleased though even if its better than blacking out.
i've drank every day since thursday but haven't been drunk once, still not pleased though even if its better than blacking out.
Blankenstein
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2021
- Messages
- 410
Hey I’m alright no need to be concerned.
Back at home and have been for a week and a half. I don’t feel amazing mentally. Pretty depressed and have a lot of anxiety. Finding it hard to get motivated to do much, but I’m alright.
Friends and family are upset im not doing things the way they want. I don’t like causing stress and anxiety for the people I care about, but I’m not going to live my life the way people want just to placate their concerns.
I have used twice in the past 10 days. I feel like I can’t share that with anybody anymore apart from in NA/AA meetings, which I have been going to.
Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it.
What’s been going on that’s making you drink? How much have you been drinking each night? Is your boyfriend drinking at the moment as well?
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
how do they want you to live? are you doing things the way you were advised to by the professionals charged with your care? i mean you are using, so no.
i hate to break this to you. but i didn't get to do what i wanted for 6 months. i made a plan upon leaving rehab, overseen by the people there, and i stuck to it. because i did not know how to live in a way that wouldn't kill me, and drag the people who loved me down too. apart from meetings. what recovery activites are you doing? living the way you wanted to got you in this position, so until you learn how to live again, living the way you want is not an option.
have you done anything about arranging to go to rehab, if not why not and when are you going to go? you need this. you are not even close to being in recovery. i know it comes across as pretty presumtuous of me to say that based on your posts in a forum, but first you've used twice already, and when i got out of rehab people in this forum told me i sounded like a different person. you sound exactly the same.
its ok to feel like shit. and you're going to have to for a long time while your brain readjusts, you need to accept it. using is going to throw your brain out so it will ultimately push back the time wen you feel better each time you do it.
just boredom and ennui. boyf has contributed too. two of the nights i drank i only had 2 beers (though on one night one of those was a strong one). boyf is playing a role, i ranted about it in the alcool support thread. hopefully he's got the memo now and will be more supportive.
Conky
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 25, 2021
- Messages
- 2,941
So I've been sober since late December last year
I'd have to say my favorite part so far is being able to sleep like a relatively normal human being
Due to my history with alcohol & benzos I'll probably never sleep 8 hours without more drugs but I'll take that over seizures and ambulance rides
I'd have to say my favorite part so far is being able to sleep like a relatively normal human being
Due to my history with alcohol & benzos I'll probably never sleep 8 hours without more drugs but I'll take that over seizures and ambulance rides
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
i am so fucking jealous of this right now.
i can't believe i threw away my ability to sleep well naturally. i didn't sleep naturally for 16 years so getting that ability back was huge for me in recovery. then i started drinking, it got out of hand, and now its hard again. i can get away with just dipenhydramine but i'd really like to be able to sleep fully on my own.
the past few nights i've had very little deep sleep according to my app. its the only part of the results that really tallies with how rested i feel. it keeps telling me to fucking exercise. i've ran the past 3 mornings, including 10k yesterday even though i felt atrocious.
Conky
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 25, 2021
- Messages
- 2,941
The thing that's bothering me though is weight gain. It's making me fantasize about meth which of course would lead to benzo use. Kind of weird that I was leaner while consuming thousands of alcoholic calories daily for months. Now all my calories are coming from food and it's really doing a number on my midsection. Probably time to go back into ketosis.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
argh yeah alcohol calories make no fucking sense. my boyfs mum would drink 2 bottles of spirits a day and barely move and lose tons of weight cos she didn't eat. i expected to lose weight when i cut down drinking and nope. does my nut in.
meth is not worth it though. stimulants are an easy way of losing weight but it leads to eating total crap and regaining when you stop, so you have to keep going. whole food diet and exercise is the way forward.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
@Blankenstein how are you doing? getting worried given we've not heard.
i'd hoped that this detox failure would show you how deep in you really are and motivate you to get a higher level of support.
i've woke up at 5 am the past 2 days. i just don't know how i'll get through work today. i didn't yesterday. i've been in a really good mood apart from brutal tiredness. but i have an all day gig tomorrow and i've gone from super excited to just not knowing how i'm going to make it through 9 hours of bands.
my boyf and his dad emptied their lockup into our garage and we've been going through it as we can keep some of the stuff. i'm finding it really sad. the stuff was in storage cos when they went bankrupt they had to move from a house that comfortably fits 5 kids to a small 2 bed house. thankfully most of the kids had left home by then.
i feel like i'm unpacking the life his dad should have had. he's clearly upset about not having space for some of the stuff, it has sentimental value. he worked his arse off to support his kids while his wife was a severe alcoholic and he's getting towards retirement age but likely won't even be able to afford to.
i'd hoped that this detox failure would show you how deep in you really are and motivate you to get a higher level of support.
i've woke up at 5 am the past 2 days. i just don't know how i'll get through work today. i didn't yesterday. i've been in a really good mood apart from brutal tiredness. but i have an all day gig tomorrow and i've gone from super excited to just not knowing how i'm going to make it through 9 hours of bands.
my boyf and his dad emptied their lockup into our garage and we've been going through it as we can keep some of the stuff. i'm finding it really sad. the stuff was in storage cos when they went bankrupt they had to move from a house that comfortably fits 5 kids to a small 2 bed house. thankfully most of the kids had left home by then.
i feel like i'm unpacking the life his dad should have had. he's clearly upset about not having space for some of the stuff, it has sentimental value. he worked his arse off to support his kids while his wife was a severe alcoholic and he's getting towards retirement age but likely won't even be able to afford to.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
thanks chinup for being here
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
Hey guyz! Diggin’ the rename. Recovery ftw 
The Good:
The bad:
Hopes for 2022:
The Good:
- I have 3 years of long term recovery
- Quit booze and heroin
- Tapering suboxone down to 2mg from 12mg
- Got certified as a Certified Recovery Specialist
- Going for Bachelors in Social Work (2 more years) never believed that would be what I’d do or where I’d go.
- Interlock off car after 3 years following a car accident
- Almost to goal weight just 10 more lbs to go. Drinking made me gain so much I could never lose it.
- Renting an awesome house with a great landlord, though looking for buy (if the market ever breaks)
- I have super cute doggos
The bad:
- Still struggling with feelings of being inadequate or that I will never succeed
- My oldest pupper that me and my late fiancé had together turned 12 this week and was diagnosed with diabetes. I don’t know how much longer I will have left with her.
- Applied to 3 ‘better’ jobs in my field but all 3 seem to have been dead ends which was a major hit to my self esteem.
Hopes for 2022:
- Advance job position
- Don’t drop out of school
- Buy house
- Finish taper and stop at .125
Shady's Fox
Bluelighter
@stardust.hero
Is far cheaper to build one, and if so where? I like snow so I have a house in Norway, is a caban 2hr from town.
Is far cheaper to build one, and if so where? I like snow so I have a house in Norway, is a caban 2hr from town.
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
Like build a house insead of buy? No I’m in the US so it would be more. The town I live in used to be kind of a run down coal mining town that like went to shit after coal mining stopped being a big industry in the 70’s so up until the Pandemic buying houses was kind of reasonable because they were older. But not anymore. I’m hoping the housing market crashes because it’s kind of insane and building is insane because of lumber prices.
A cabin in the snow in Norway sounds lovely.
Very cool to see you post in here lovely!! You've got a lot of great stuff going on, that's awesomeHey guyz! Diggin’ the rename. Recovery ftw
The Good:
- I have 3 years of long term recovery
- Quit booze and heroin
- Tapering suboxone down to 2mg from 12mg
- Got certified as a Certified Recovery Specialist
- Going for Bachelors in Social Work (2 more years) never believed that would be what I’d do or where I’d go.
- Interlock off car after 3 years following a car accident
- Almost to goal weight just 10 more lbs to go. Drinking made me gain so much I could never lose it.
- Renting an awesome house with a great landlord, though looking for buy (if the market ever breaks)
- I have super cute doggos
The bad:
- Still struggling with feelings of being inadequate or that I will never succeed
- My oldest pupper that me and my late fiancé had together turned 12 this week and was diagnosed with diabetes. I don’t know how much longer I will have left with her.
- Applied to 3 ‘better’ jobs in my field but all 3 seem to have been dead ends which was a major hit to my self esteem.
Hopes for 2022:
- Advance job position
- Don’t drop out of school
- Buy house
- Finish taper and stop at .125
Big love xxx
RDP89
Bluelighter
Kava is that abusable/addictive for you? Just asking because I’ve never heard of anyone really abusing it, no judgement; as I abused far crazier substances over my years of using, such as huffing gasoline and abusing OTC meds.