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The quandary of societal norms

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jackalope
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Jackalope

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After spending most of my life living how I wanted and being a part of the counter-culture of socially awkward misfits, I found myself in a relationship with someone who was on the opposite end of the spectrum. He was the popular guy, always in the thick of social engagements and needing constant gratification. While we were together, some of his traits rubbed off on me and my personality changed.

It's been 2 years since we broke up and I'm only just back on the dating scene again. I was talking to a friend over the weekend and we got on to the discussion of prospective partners. She told me that the guy she had feelings for had told her that she needed to 'get her shit together' before he'd consider a relationship, basically giving her a template of what he wanted her to be. It got me thinking about what I'd be willing to do for someone. I've always been the independent type, who hasn't had reason to change for a partner, but I realized that after so long alone I'm almost willing to change anything just to be with someone.

I feel like a round peg, trying to fit into a square hole and I'm allowing someone to cut the sides off just so I seem right.

How much would you be willing to change to be with someone?
 
not at all. you are who you are, and performing/going through the paces of trying to be something you are not would be incredibly exhausting and warrant little reward. people fall for each other because they like the traits of their partners. to alter that would shift the entire dynamic of your relationship and leave one partner feeling betrayed and the other like a circus clown. people are not possessions. you cant choose one that looks good and then mould and shape it into something you find appealing.

...kytnism...:|
 
^ Yeah, same.

The eligibility of a partner comes down to how well we harmonize from the get go. It's not about either person sacrificing who they are to be with the other person, it's about you two fitting together naturally. I know some people can get desperate for a partner and suppress or change themselves to try and make it work, but the facade just breaks down in the long term: either when the person hiding who they are can't take it anymore, or when the person who demanded it feels dissatisfied with the illusion. I speak from having experience with both sides of that equation.

It's better to just be truthful from the get go, and not settle. If they don't like you for who you are then it's nothing personal.

As for society... after spending years bitching about what "society" wants, I have come to the conclusion that "society" doesn't exist. We have a loosely relating common reality that we all intermingle in, but having come from vastly different individual backgrounds and experiences. Society is just a construct we tell ourselves exists so that we can project an entity to propel ourselves into for the sake of a relational experience. The truth is that the only one expecting something of you, is you.
 
kytnism said:
not at all. you are who you are, and performing/going through the paces of trying to be something you are not would be incredibly exhausting and warrant little reward. people fall for each other because they like the traits of their partners. to alter that would shift the entire dynamic of your relationship and leave one partner feeling betrayed and the other like a circus clown. people are not possessions. you cant choose one that looks good and then mould and shape it into something you find appealing.

...kytnism...:|
Click to expand...

Well said. Aside from the fact that it's not fair to yourself, changing your behavior/attempting (note: attempting) to change your personality for someone else is unfair to them as well as it makes it impossible for the relationship to be an honest one...and it seems unlikely for a dishonest relationship to be a happy one, especially when it concerns something so huge.
I can understand the willingness to 'adapt' to anybody after being single for 2 years, but do you really think you'll be happier pretending to be somebody you're not? There's always someone out there who will appreciate you for who you actually are and you should never have to compromise that for someone who doesn't.
 
the idea that someone has the cheek to tell your friend- this is what you need to be- is shocking

does he not like her at all? is it just her body he likes but the rest has to change.

relationships should be about making compromises but it shouldn't be about changing who you are to fit the mold of another.

loneliness is harsh but love should be accepting not demanding
 
changing your personality to be someone that you're not is a recipe for failure. however, it is possible to make yourself more attractive by improving aspects of your appearance, behavior and lifestyle, without altering your fundamental identity. regardless of your interests and hobbies, actively pursuing them will make you a more interesting person. and no matter what your personal style (or gender) is, buying clothes that fit and accentuate the positive aspects of your body will improve your confidence and appearance. if necessary, improving diet, hygiene and/or exercise is a good move as well. these are all things that will primarily improve your life, and not just be for the benefit of someone else.

don't try and be someone other than yourself. but there are a lot of things a person can do to make themselves a happier, healthier and more attractive version of who they already are.
 
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I actually invented societal norms to put emphasis on how outstanding i am, true story >_>

the dignified and self respecting response is of course that you shouldn't change yourself at the whim of someone you like but i can think of times where i'd have much rather have got the person i was after than be myself.
 
I wouldn't change myself for a partner.
That being said - I have changed a TON since I met my boyfriend. But that is because we have been together for three years, we have common interests (and we have introduced each other to extra interests and whatnot), and we have both grown a ton in the three years we've been together. It is a natural progression.

But to change my own personality or things about me for someone? Not a chance. I am myself, I'd hate to have to be someone else. I mean, there WILL BE someone who likes you for you.
 
I think that with time we all adapt ourselves as much as we can to fit in with the people we love. It's one of the ways of saying I love you.
We all have character traits too and sometimes these emerge and your partner will say "You haven't changed a bit in all these years, have you?"
 
is it positive change that I want? sure, its motivation.

become someone I am not, nor do I want to be? not a chance.
 
kaywholed said:
is it positive change that I want? sure, its motivation.

become someone I am not, nor do I want to be? not a chance.
Click to expand...

I like this.

That whole "I won't change for no man" attitude isn't always constructive. A person could be trying to help you in some way or another and if you're to oblivious of your own actions and stubborn to accept you might be better off altering a part of you personality/lifestyle/etc you could be losing out on a valuable lesson. Don't allow a person to lay down ground rules for you to live by, but also be open to someone else's opinion.
 
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