The Psychology of Parenthood

[birdup.snaildown]

I love my daughter but it is interfering with my ability to live my life and be myself.
She is so beautiful and captivating that I hate myself for telling her 'no'.
I can't be the person I was anymore. That is clear.

I was a maniac.
I was an addict and an alcoholic.
I was a junkie and a psychonaut.

Her time is limited.
She is like sand in an hourglass.
I know this (and I know I will hate myself for this) but I choose to miss some of it.
I choose to be independent and I choose to indulge.

Parenthood has changed the way I view everything.
Marriage isn't the ball and chain; parenthood is.

I love my daughter.
I love her more than I love myself.
I love her more than I love my wife.
I love her more than I love my life.

But, I am no longer free.

...

I'm a new parent.

I spend a lot of time arguing shit on CEPS and creating other tangents but what I really am focused on at the moment is this new dilemma of being a parent and an addict. Am I a former addict? I've actually started moderating my alcohol consumption and my weed consumption... and, honestly, maybe it's better than when I was wild. I don't know.

What I do know is: (for probably petty reasons) I need freedom.

So I wanted to delete that sentence.

Can you have freedom and children?

 

[Jabberwocky]

As a parent who has undergone periods of intense drug use while having kids I would make a few observations in no particular order of importance.

1. Drugs or not, a parent needs their own time and their own life. So one should not let the child totally control one’s life. One needs to be able to compartmentalise a little bit. Good parents take the reins alternately to let the other have a break and live their life more individually from time to time.

2. The parents main job is to educate the kids. Raise them in a way that they learn the lessons necessary to flourish in the kind of world they are going to face. Some of this involves teaching hard lessons. Like being able to manage on one’s own and that solitude and loneliness are a part of life. To do this, the parent can’t be with the child all the time or hovering constantly to meet every perceived need of the child.

3. Children are extremely perceptive. That can tell when you are not yourself and they notice and learn from observing substance abuse, even if they don’t see the actual consumption. If you are a sub-optimal person when high or coming down, your kid is going to see that and think that is the bar for what a good parent/person is. They take their parents as the measure of what is normal and what is right. You don’t want to fake perfection and raise the bar too high but neither do you you want to let all your faults and failings hang out. Ultimately you want your kids to be at least a little better as a human being than you are.

4. Road trips and business travel are great opportunities to find time to ‘be free’ and ‘be yourself’ away from family.

5. As your kids get older you can shepherd them into all kinds of activities to take up their time, teach them independence, and get them out of your hair.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Neither my wife or I want to be a two income family. Neither of us want to be the one who goes to work either. Parenting has always been a huge thing for me, ever since I was little. When I was young, my Dad was amazing. When I was a teenager, he was in a different place. So, I have this fantasy about matching him (in those early years) and beating him (in the teen years).

Everybody wants to be a better parent than their parents, but that can't keep going forever. My father was super successful. He became a CEO. He was a great tennis player. He was a great painter. Everybody liked him.

I would rather go to work full time and have my wife stay home, than have both of us work.

But, I'm tired.

Alcohol and drugs - even in the reduced quantities I consume them now - are making life harder for me. They have always made life harder, but this is different... I can't compensate when I'm feeling tired by taking a busload of uppers. When I'm tired, I can't be the best Dad I can be.

I get what you're saying, @Atelier3... but I'm pretty stubborn.

I suspect that I (realistically) have two options.

I can either cut down my consumption a lot more or I can torture myself for being a bad father.

Watching Film and TV is worse (I think) than some drugs... and some drugs are definitely worse than others.

I can't do heroin anymore. It's too dangerous. No hard drugs are on the menu. But, I think it's okay to have a moderate amount of weed and a moderate amount of alcohol and a moderate amount of amphetamines.

What is worse is spending time arguing politics in CEPS when I could be spending time with my family.

I'm not unpleasant to my daughter when I take drugs or drink alcohol... but, I think that's bad potentially. She's getting to an age now that I have to start disguising it.

My best friend growing up didn't drink or smoke because his Dad was a cigar-smoking, pot-head alcoholic. I always envied him and he always envied me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

but I'm pretty stubborn.

And then some

I suspect that I (realistically) have two options.

I can either cut down my consumption a lot more or I can torture myself for being a bad father.

That's really only one option. Torture is not an option

Watching Film and TV is worse (I think) than some drugs... and some drugs are definitely worse than others.

I can't do heroin anymore. It's too dangerous. No hard drugs are on the menu. But, I think it's okay to have a moderate amount of weed and a moderate amount of alcohol and a moderate amount of amphetamines.

The drug itself is not as important as how 'present' and 'emotionally available' you are to your kid when you are on it. I've only been on amps around my second kid and to be honest I've been heaps more engaged with her than when I was a drinker when I had my first kid. I think depressants, in which I count weed and booze, make most people less present and emotionally available. Kids feel that intensely - even if they don't see the underlying chemical reason.

What is worse is spending time arguing politics in CEPS when I could be spending time with my family.

Easy fix

I'm not unpleasant to my daughter when I take drugs or drink alcohol... but, I think that's bad potentially. She's getting to an age now that I have to start disguising it.

It's not really about being unpleasant. It's more about being totally available to her emotionally.

My best friend growing up didn't drink or smoke because his Dad was a cigar-smoking, pot-head alcoholic. I always envied him and he always envied me.

Your friend was lucky. Statistically children of addicts are more likely to become addicts or have trauma-like psychological issues as they get older

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Your friend was lucky. Statistically children of addicts are more likely to become addicts or have trauma-like psychological issues as they get older

I wouldn't be surprised if he was a serial killer now.
I haven't seen him for a while, but he is an odd duck.
He certainly had more baggage to sort than I did.

I've heard that statistic (the first one), but raw stats across big populations blend all sorts of dissimilar situations together into a big soup.

His dad never encouraged him to partake. Quite the opposite... and I'd wager that alone changes his odds substantially.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

being totally available

Nobody is ever totally available, but I do my best (when I am there).

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

You'll adjust.

No, you won't have the selfish freedom you had before kids, before marriage. No, you can't have spontaneous shenanigans like you used to.

But you will cope and realise you won't really want to live like you once did either.

If there's a festival or event coming up, you'll have to plan it and take turns going if wife parties as well.

It was a shock for me even though I was a real homebody by the time I had a baby. But after a while, life just normalised.

Youll be fine.