the night before we left

[Mellabopper]

it was the night before she left
my best friend
my other half
sitting in my basement
talking about things that happened recently
just small talk
because the important issues
were too much to talk about
with a straight face
trying to hold the tears back
knowing that nothing will ever be the same
she's going off to have her new life
as am i
and i know when i return
with the snow on the ground
this friend of mine
will turn into a stranger
and when its time to say goodbye
i walk out with her to her car
and give her a big hug
i swallow the lump in my throat
telling her
'everything will be fine
you wont lose me
i promise.'
and as i turn to walk back inside
i know i am lying
and i was
so as i sit writing,
a week before i return home
to that place where i grew up
for eighteen long years
i cant help but realize
how much more growing up i've done
in the past few months
than in most of my life
all of this changing, growing
and none of them were with me when it happened
maybe i'm scared to go back
knowing my childhood friends are now strangers
knowing that i dont know them anymore
will they even recognize me?
and i dont even talk to most of them anymore
maybe its because i was expecting this to happen
i wasnt afraid to leave
i wanted to go
i was ready
but i know they werent
so i too pretended that i wanted to stay
and i felt bad
because i didnt care as much as they did
but i was expecting it to happen
and i'm not one for holding onto something that i know will end soon
what's the point?
i didnt even cry when i left my parents
my mother and father,
who raised me and loved me my whole life
i dont even call them anymore
and i feel bad
but i guess i just let everyone down
when i finally turned into me
i dont want to be a disappointment
and i wish they wouldnt care as much
as bad as it sounds
but thoughts are rusing through me
should i have held on a bit longer?
i know it wont be the same when i return
looking at friends with whom i shared my childhood
meeting them again for the first time as adults
its hard when you are alone
and you start feeling sad
and these horrible thoughts come back to me
i just want to move on completely
and forget about the past
as much as i loved them
and still love them
that time was then
and this is now
and i cant go back
nor do i have any desire to
12.11.00
Mellabopper
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~*~*~ meat is no treat for those you eat ~*~*~
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"

 

[Aja909]

That's Deep Mellabopper!!! I know what you're going thru.. Stay strong gurl!!..
-Aja- STL
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You gonna eat that?

 

[hardraverNYC]

very nice.
I think you may be suprised to find that the friends you left behind may have gone through many of the same things you've described. I found that many friends grew up in many of the same ways I did. That's why we were friends in the first place.
Now is also the time you will gravitate toward people who are simialr to you(emotionally and philosophically). These are the times, when you meet friends that will last your whole life.
Hold on to the old friends-if it feels right and cherish the new because they are more like you.
PLUR
hardraverNYC

 

[bc]

mels...
i was extremely worried and depressed about the same thing as i prepared to go home last year for the first time. i know the feeling. in my case, we both, or rather, we all changed. a lot. but the bond we held was still there, things fell right back into place after a week or so. don't stress yourself out too much girl, right now there's nothing you can do about it, and there's a good chance you're just worrying yourself unneccesarily.
take care,
love ya,
bc
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bc-
**Proud to be an Official member of the Stuck-Up/8-Up Crew**
"Fuck PLUR! it's all about hardcore ass fucking!!"
We'll make great pets...
"drug suppliers, typically wearing 'Ecko' brand sweat shirts shuffle around the dance floor, chanting softly, 'want some pills? k?'" - Shu Shin Luh, The Chicago Sun-Times

 

[Squirt]

great piece, mella. good words.
things are always different when you go home. you've grown. you get to see how much your friends have too. you get to see how much your parents have aged, and the area around your home has changed. but here's the thing: that's what people do. that's what school/college is all about. and when you go home, your parents will want it to be how it was, and you'll want to have as much freedom as you do at school. you have to find a compromise without blowing up into a knock-down fight (very difficult). they still love you.
and you may be more distant from your friends, but if they are your best friends, they'll always be around. even for meaningless conversation. my best friend and i (both of us away at college) hardly ever talk anymore, but when we get together during breaks, things are just like they used to be. we still laugh about the same old inside jokes, and the stupid shit we've done (even if it happened two years ago). we tell each other stories about things at school, and we both find them funny, even if we don't know the people involved. your closest friends are the ones you can do that with. and if you find yourself growing farther and farther apart from old friends, just know that as much as it sucks, it sometimes happens. you're making lots of friends at school, i'm sure.
keep your chin up and bear with it. it'll get easier. and if you need anything at all, feel free to ask.

-- squirt
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"baked. not fried. it's the healthy choice."
"the sweet cotton candy of trancendental bliss."
fuck plur! it's all about the hardcore ass fucking! ((official founding member of the stuck up/8 up crew))