The Leprechaun's Gold - Please Critique!

[Baker]

The Leprechaun's Gold

Colourful clouds wash past me
Rainbows of high contrast flood my body
An energy runs up my legs
As you bless them with your touch
Intoxicating rhythms circulate through my blood
A warmth so pure and free yet controlled by your watch.

Resting my head on your chest,
Your heartbeat pounds in my ear
Sounds of city life, sing so quietly
Subtly blasting, yet loud enough to hear
Ringing the good and bad,
Singing your comfort and fear.

I bathe in lust, this ecstatic romance
Eclectic thoughts of futures past
An eternity inside a moment
So colourful so warm
Your touch ignites an electric firestorm
Of passion, colours, confusion and control
Green blue, pink and purple raindrops form
To Fall on my head and remind me
The reasons I’m still not yet dead.

To converse in powerful emotions
Through empathic language
Without speaking, tongues dance
In fun, in love in giddy rage
Sparks light up my brain
Thoughts fill my mind
Of innocence hiding behind lies
Confused by illusions of grandeur visions
Hearts built, hearts broken, hearts free.

A rainbow, as gorgeous
as your eyes spiral into mine
Hazel and Irish green, they appear so fine
I’ve followed the full colour spectrum
And found my reward
Two bodies linked together
And a bottle of sweat

 

[(Wordy)]

On the whole, you've attempted something difficult, and so far you've done a pretty good job.

I think it's at its best when you take risks, spurn clichés, use the element of surprise. Examples:

Rainbows of high contrast

yet controlled by your watch.

The reasons I’m still not yet dead.

tongues dance
In fun,

a bottle of sweat

You've adopted a fairly traditional form and tone, and I like the idea of 'containing' the kind of sparks I've listed above in a formal edifice... this is a technique that can pay dividends. But on the other hand, it's a hard trick to pull off convincingly (hence the difficulty I mentioned above). I think you need to hone the rhymes a little... sometimes the rhythm goes astray, to my ears at least. And maybe try pulling back on the overstatement... poetry doesn't have to say everything in a 'grand manner'. Understatement often works best... I can see you understand this kind of subtlety from the lines I've quoted.

 

[up all night]

I’ve followed the full colour spectrum
And found my reward
Two bodies linked together
And a bottle of sweat

Such a sweet ending and it definitely appeals to my romanticism.

 

[kazza_baby]

Such a sweet ending and it definitely appeals to my romanticism.

Ditto.

.

 

[Baker]

thanks all, twas fun writing this piece
and I defenitely agree with what you said wordy