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The Joke Thread

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2009 Official Joke Thread

Thought this place needed lightening up, anywhere here is a text the missus sent me yesterday, it cracked me up!

This man goes to the doctors for a cock extention. The doctor suggests stitching on a baby elephants trunk for 3000 euro. The man agrees.

Six weeks later while having dinner with his new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks 'This is the night'

While chatting over dinner his cock flys out, steals an apple off the table and goes back. 'Wow!' the woman says, 'Can you do that again?'

The man replies, 'My cock can, but I dont think my arse can take another apple'
 
Hehehehe :D

Sadly no jokes spring to mind but I'm looking forward to hearing other people's, therefore adding to my repertoire of awful chat-up lines :D
 
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
 
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
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enough for now :)
 
^hahahaha fucking great. Thank you for the laugh.

Sorry guys for not contributing any jokes atm. Feeling a bit brain dead.
 
That train one made me splutter with laughter and then I felt a bit bad. Good stuff!
 
recent sms's

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit; 'Get this out of me!', 'GIVE ME THE DRUGS!' She turns to her boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker!'. He replies casually 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said "Fuck off it'll be too painful"'. Who is laughing now?

--

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don't come on an apple before taking a bite out of it.

--

Elizabeth Fritzl attended court this morning after eating a full cooked breakfast. I think someone could've told her she still had Daddies sauce round her mouth

--

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives them a clue. "It's what your mother calls me". The boy yells 'Its a fookn' bawbag, doonae eat it!!"
 
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide." She says.
"Well before you jump, give me a blowjob." the truckie says. So she does. After she's finished the truckie says "wow that's wasted talent, why are you committing suicide?"
"Cause my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"
 
TheSpade walks into a bar... & asks for a for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches Spade and whispers something into his ear, whereupon Spade turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Spade then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Spade: "Dunno, something about a 'job'."
 
Knock-Knock

Who's there?

It's me, wondering why you're not naked.

Knock-Knock, me again! Still wondering why you're not naked.


I love John Lajoie.
 
cletusvandow said:
thespade walks into a bar... & asks for a for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches spade and whispers something into his ear, whereupon spade turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The spade then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

spade: "dunno, something about a 'job'."
Click to expand...

;) :d
 
It's not mine but:

My Da always says: ''The weather in Ireland's just like the muslims in Iraq - It's either Sunni or it's Shiite''
 
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