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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread

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PINK CURTAINS

A Blonde goes to Asda to buy curtains. She said to the assistant, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains

He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for ?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!!'.
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The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows. .......'
 
a sick one for ya.
a little girl is having nightmares and runs in to her fathers bedroom.
he is in bed naked
she is confused as to why they have different body parts so being 4 and impressionalbe she asks him what the long thing down below is.
he replies, embarressed, thats a swan, she then asks what the to hanging balls were, to which he replies well they are the eggs. the little girl then say's i know so the furry bit is the nest then?
her dad say's sure sweetie now go to sleep.
the dad goes to sleep but wakes up shortly after screaming in pain.
"WHAT HAPPENED?" the little girl explained "well, i stroked your swan and it spat at me so i bit it's head off
 
Wee boy out with his uncle. Uncle has to go for a piss. Nephew says "what's that in your hand?". Unc, a bit embarrased "It's a radio", Little fella asks
"Is it a Roberts?". Uncle replies "No, it's Ferranti".
 
One from my schooldays:

How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.

Or how about:

What do you have if you have a big green ball in each hand?
Total control over the jolly green giant.

They're funny when your age is measured in single digits.
 
I'm absolutely crap at remembering jokes :\

But I do remember one my eldest told me when she was about 4:

Q: Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?

A: Where you left it.
 
what do u say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing, you already told her twice

whats the biggest draw back of the jungle?
an elephants foreskin
 
My favourite joke (of the shaggy dog variety) from my schooldays:

A man walks into a fish'n'chip restaraunt, gets his fish supper and looks for a table. The place is packed except for a table at the end where a leper is enjoying his dinner. The man walks to the leper's table and introduces himself.

"Would you mind if I joined you?" the man asks.
"Of course not," says the leper. "But most people find my appearance disturbing."
"Oh that's alright," says the man. "I've travelled widely and seen many sights in my time. Your appearance doesn't bother me at all."

So they sit together and munch away happily. After a few minutes the man looks up at the leper and vomits profusely.

"I'm sorry," says the leper. "I knew this would happen. I'll leave."
"No! Don't go!" says the man. "It's not you."

So the leper stays and they continue to eat. Until a few minutes later when the man looks up and, once again, throws up.

"Okay," says the leper. "I know your trying to be nice, but my appearance is clearly disgusting you. I'll leave."
"No! It's not you, I promise"
"Then what is it then? Everytime you look at me your violently sick. If it's not me, what is it?"
"Look, it's really not you," says the man. "It's the guy behind you - he's dipping his chips in your neck."
 
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.




An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'



Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds coming from his parents' bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door, and sure enough, Mom's got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like there's no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away.

Dad just chuckles, but Mom slaps him and says "Dear, you'd better go and talk to Billy, I'm afraid we've upset him!"

Dad walks down the hall to Billy's room, and nobody's there. So he walks further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away, fucking his grandmother hard in the ass.

Dad shouts "Billy! What the hell is wrong with you!"

Billy looks over his shoulder and replies "Yeah, not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
 
forgot the best one

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
 
Gosh my schooldays are just flooding back...

Billy and his classmates are asked to find out an interesting fact about spiders and report their findings to the class the following day.

The following day arrives.

"So what did you find out about spiders, Amy?" asks the teacher.
"Well, miss. I found out that spiders make webs to catch flies in."
"Well done! What about you, Johnny?"
"I found out that spiders have eight eyes, miss"
"Excellent! What about you, Billy?"

Billy produces a matchbox and takes out a large spider. He places the spider at one end of his desk and calls him from the other side.

"Come on, Spidey! Come here!" he calls, and the spider scuttles into his waiting hands. Billy repeats this a couple of times.

"That's very clever, Billy," says the teacher, "but what can we learn about spiders from it?"
"Watch," says Billy.

Quickly, Billy picks up the spider and pulls all of its legs off and replaces is on the desk.

"Come on, Spidey! Come here!" Billy calls. "Come on, Spidey! Come here!" Billy calls again.

There is no reaction from the spider. The teacher is quite annoyed at this display.

"That's very cruel, Billy. What can such cruelty possibly teach us about spiders?"
"It shows that spiders go deaf if you pull their legs off," replies Billy.
 
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the fucknugget out.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky so pass this warning on.
 
What do you call a Dog with no legs?

Doesnt matter - He'll never come to you anyway.

What do you do if you lose a Dog with no legs?

Go back to where you put him down.


and it wouldnt be a joke session without adding a risky one in for measure..

What is the main cause of Peadophillia?

Sexy children.




Boom boom.
 
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.

Men say: Big deal, try faking a whole relationship just for a shag. :D
 
A car is driving on a road along a cliffy area.. a young brother and sister are fighting in the back seat.. the brother pushes the sister right out of the car, which then skids and flys off the cliff, exploding in a fireball

the small girl is sobbing at the edge of the cliff when a priest arrives. "What's the matter, little girl?" asks the priest. "Well," says the girl between sobs, "my mother and father and brother were in that car and it rolled over the edge of the cliff and exploded and I don't know where I am!!"
The priest replies, undoing his fly, "It's just not your day, is it?"
 
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