The other week, my mom, who has no heroin experiences, said it may be good if I suffer sickness, as it may serve as a deterrent. I countered if it was an effective deterrent heroin addiction wouldn't be too hard to treat. The promise of sickness when I stop has offered me maybe a moments pause before relapse. Yet, of course in hindsight I wish I knew the power it'd have over me before I tried it. Yet I had many portents in dead and dying friends. I worry now how I will be when and if I get where you are, but for now I'm going to focus on getting past day 5.
I've felt slivers of the self-respect you mention when I began controlling my drinking to the point where I avoided risks and cut down on the associated, dangerous behavior. It has occasionally helped to recall that sensation, but the pride stemmed from avoiding the mistakes I made while drinking in excess. I've had trouble suiting it to heroin, and I think it's because the collateral damage of heroin for me is associated with obtaining the drug, and less so with it. But I don't think that is true, and I need to think more and let myself realize the essential destructive nature of heroin unto itself. I want it to occur to me, rather than struggling to grasp it. I don't have the psychic strength to appropriately make connections, but these things intuitively present themselves over time. The downside is I miss out on a potentially powerful deterrent.
EDIT: To mitigate or ignore the direct damage of heroin is silly of me. Particularly IV use, which at worst guarantees candidacy for blood born diseases, and at least is responsible for two infections on my arms. I think I what I meant was heroin does not cause me dangerous blackouts, and I don't have unprotected sex when high etc. I realized earlier, commenting on another thread, this could be read as dismissive, and even could lead to harming others. Although, here expressed uncertainty in my own sort of streamed pondering. I guess it lead to a conclusion, so it was a helpful exercise.
I do believe the passing of time will and does ameliorate trauma, that is if it is trauma we survive. It will be tragic if knowing there is a place, maybe distant, where peace relatively exists, yet I don't endure. From what I know, you are finding ways to persist, and while it isn't easy you have learned to not only survive, but reasonably manage some of heroin addiction's most effective and tenacious enforcers. I don't know much about PTSS, and I'm sure there are many variants, so I don't want to say it will just get better over time, but I hope as you continue to have purpose and you remember the reasons you abandoned it, it will move further into the recesses of your mind, only visiting your thoughts rarely and w/o pain. And of course it's the time we have to fight by filling it meaningfully. And that takes the passivity out of it, because one needs to be progressive to pass time with meaning and purpose. Here, I'm stuck. Many metaphors fit here, but I'll say I need to break past my inertia, and I'm starting to think it may mean not being so delicate with myself.
Romanticizing is a good way of articulating it. I admit I group heroin with a certain fringe element to which I've always been attracted. I think it's time I move away from that mentality and be a little more innovative in my identity. I think maturity is integral for recovery in general, and this is a good time for me to grow up. And get clean. Of course, up until recently recovery was a very conventional, predictable, one-dimensional cult represented by AA and NA. That's how I thought of it. I don't want to dismiss those programs - I know they people, But I know I'm going to need something a bit more tailored to my, uh, taste. I'm starting to develop associations with my recovery, as I did with my addiction; they are very different of course, as to make a clear distinction. As for creativity and expression, mostly I write for myself, but I want to begin music again.
In regard to the last point you made, if I understand correctly you are saying to wait to make the big decisions for and by yourself until there is enough time sober to know your mind is clear. The difficulty I have is avoiding making big decisions while proceeding w/ early recovery. Right now, it looks like there is no safe path out; some risks, or leaps of faith are required. Half my family really wants me to surrender my decision-making and defer to a professional. I'm so fatigued and seemingly unable to succeed I'm almost willing to comply.
Thanks for the thoughtful response, and I hope you conquer the PTSS. I like the idea of people who get help, and then return the favor - there is some cyclical triumph in it. Also, I'm willing toi admit people like chances to be a kind of expert. Altruism and a self-esteem hike, all wrapped into one. I think my will is returning, and my disappointment is gradually becoming resolve to try again....