Well, the ex-girlfriend who I posted about in a few of my entries sent me a letter she had to write for school. The letter was to be a letter saying goodbye to someone or something in her life, and she chose me. This letter does a great job of showing what a HUGE fucking scumbag I was, and I am so happy that I can not relate to that ugly person I turned into. I am sorry I put her through the things I did too, but without any further hesitation, the letter of death:
Ouch, right? I can’t say she’s lying either besides a few things. The thing about me getting mad that she was dancing with other guys at the dinner dance, I truly didn’t care that she was. I told her I wasn’t going to dance so if she wanted to dance, I wouldn’t stop her. But most of it is true. I treated her like shit and I’m sorry that she didn’t get to see the real me. The version of me that is NOT plagued by drug addiction and insecurity.
I also have a letter I wrote directed to heroin. It’s basically the same thing that I posted above from my ex but it’s written by me and directed at heroin. I’ll see if I can dig that up and post it.
-legz
Dear David,
For about a year and six months you were my everything and it’s sad to say that that wasn’t always a good thing, nor was it always out of love. At times I feel like it was out of sympathy, fear, and not knowing any better. When we met, you started out as your average, nice guy but as the months went on you became something different, maybe then at the beginning of our relationship I should have just said that this was it, that you needed help that I was unable to give you but I thought that you’d change maybe on your own, out of love for me, or with my help. That time of change never came. Your heroin addiction took over your entire life and slowly became my burden as well. I began to wrongfully think that your addiction was my fault and my problem to deal with. I will admit I enabled you by lending you money that I knew was going to the wrong things. I think back and my reasoning at the time was so ridiculous. At the time I was scared that if the money wasn’t coming from me you’d steal from your family or other places and that isn’t and wasn’t be problem if you did. I was scared that if you did do something like that that my parents would somehow find out and that I’d get in trouble.
Your addiction not only hurt me financially but also mentally. I can honestly say that I lost numerous hours of sleep over it. What should have been incredibly exciting moments of my life became mundane and horrible for me. Let’s start at the first event that should’ve been enough to realize you were not meant for me, my senior prom. You refused to dance with me, you sat there high and everyone knew it, you got mad when I danced with other people, I was the girl who sat in the bathroom crying about the horrible time she was having. Surprisingly you didn’t ruin my senior weekend, but that’s because you didn’t come for the entire thing. Now, let’s fast forward to mid July when I went on vacation and you made me give you some of my spending money because you knew I wouldn’t be home to give you anything. And then when I got home it was my 18th birthday, you didn’t have anything for me. And I know you’ll say how materialistic of me that is to say but my birthday is a major thing for me and that could’ve been one surprise since you never gave me anything in those months we were dating before that. The rest of summer managed to go off without a hitch, until I moved into my dorm, something I was incredibly excited about… until I realized that I wasn’t gaining freedom but even more of short leash from you. The first night you wouldn’t let me go out with my roommates you claimed they were “sluts” and said that you didn’t want me out drinking and partying with them, but it was my freshman year, it was my time to do what I wanted even my roommates who barely knew you said I was far too good for you. The entire fall semester I did nothing fun. You demanded that every Thursday I spend the night at your house and every Friday to Sunday you’d stay at my dorm… what kind of fun is that? We did nothing. You did drugs and I sat there and watched you in your dazed out state. Maybe that day you got arrested I should have just left you there and called it quits once and for all, I can’t help but be pissed at myself for being so stupid and thinking you’d get better. That whole semester I saw no one. I didn’t hang out with anyone from school I didn’t see my friends from town I was always with you and when I wasn’t I was given a guilt trip. Christmas vacation came, I honestly don’t remember really seeing my friends then either. I do remember buying you an expensive gift and lending you the money to buy a gift for me. I really would have been better off being completely alone.
When I went back to school for spring term I promised my roommates things would change, but you didn’t even give me a chance to. You ruined my relationship fully with my roommates to the point where I moved out of my dorm and was embarrassed to be seen by any of them. I was embarrassed not only of you but because they saw how stupid I was for staying with you. I continued to be your crutch for months after that, and I don’t know if you realize but by the time spring term ended I didn’t see myself as your girlfriend. I was going through the motions because I loved your family and I figured it would be less of a head ache to just stay with you. But the night before you went to rehab and you flipped on me and called me every nasty name in the book I couldn’t deal with it which is why as soon as you left I knew that nothing was ever happening between us again, your stepmom asked me to lie and seem like I wanted you to get better so we could be together because everyone knew that was the only thing that would keep you in treatment which is the only reason I kept any interest. I thought it would give me a chance at a regular teenage life but of course you screwed that up and got kicked out, but I was too far along in realizing that I mean more to myself, my friends, and my family to ever get back with you.
To this day you still attempt to speak to me and I’m sorry but I don’t know if that’s something I could do again because I don’t think it’s not worth people thinking I have no respect or sense of worth for myself by being associated with you. And I hope you don’t honestly think that the mean words you say to me when I ignore you have any effect on me, I know that deep down you’re just trying to feel better about yourself. You’re the one who always said I could do better than you, that is the only time I should’ve listened to what you had to say. I have moved on, I will not go back to the empty shell that you made me. I will never relive another day with someone who makes me feel worthless, like I couldn’t get any better. You robbed me not only of money but of memories and friends that I could have been making if I wasn’t so wrapped up in being worried about you or what you thought of me.
When I think back to those days I think that it would have been much easier to leave you than I thought. If something did come up where my parents found out about your addiction I think they would have been proud of me for leaving you and realizing that your choices were wrong rather than trying to hide and defend them. I would’ve had to deal with you for awhile trying to get me back but I would’ve been away at school having a good time, experiencing what I missed and what I’ll never get back. I know hate is a strong word, but I honestly hate you for that. At least I know that even missing out on the experiences of dorming and now living back at home I will have a more fulfilling life and friends than you will ever have.
With that said I wish you the best, I can say that because I’m a bigger person that you are.
Good Bye,
Kelli
For about a year and six months you were my everything and it’s sad to say that that wasn’t always a good thing, nor was it always out of love. At times I feel like it was out of sympathy, fear, and not knowing any better. When we met, you started out as your average, nice guy but as the months went on you became something different, maybe then at the beginning of our relationship I should have just said that this was it, that you needed help that I was unable to give you but I thought that you’d change maybe on your own, out of love for me, or with my help. That time of change never came. Your heroin addiction took over your entire life and slowly became my burden as well. I began to wrongfully think that your addiction was my fault and my problem to deal with. I will admit I enabled you by lending you money that I knew was going to the wrong things. I think back and my reasoning at the time was so ridiculous. At the time I was scared that if the money wasn’t coming from me you’d steal from your family or other places and that isn’t and wasn’t be problem if you did. I was scared that if you did do something like that that my parents would somehow find out and that I’d get in trouble.
Your addiction not only hurt me financially but also mentally. I can honestly say that I lost numerous hours of sleep over it. What should have been incredibly exciting moments of my life became mundane and horrible for me. Let’s start at the first event that should’ve been enough to realize you were not meant for me, my senior prom. You refused to dance with me, you sat there high and everyone knew it, you got mad when I danced with other people, I was the girl who sat in the bathroom crying about the horrible time she was having. Surprisingly you didn’t ruin my senior weekend, but that’s because you didn’t come for the entire thing. Now, let’s fast forward to mid July when I went on vacation and you made me give you some of my spending money because you knew I wouldn’t be home to give you anything. And then when I got home it was my 18th birthday, you didn’t have anything for me. And I know you’ll say how materialistic of me that is to say but my birthday is a major thing for me and that could’ve been one surprise since you never gave me anything in those months we were dating before that. The rest of summer managed to go off without a hitch, until I moved into my dorm, something I was incredibly excited about… until I realized that I wasn’t gaining freedom but even more of short leash from you. The first night you wouldn’t let me go out with my roommates you claimed they were “sluts” and said that you didn’t want me out drinking and partying with them, but it was my freshman year, it was my time to do what I wanted even my roommates who barely knew you said I was far too good for you. The entire fall semester I did nothing fun. You demanded that every Thursday I spend the night at your house and every Friday to Sunday you’d stay at my dorm… what kind of fun is that? We did nothing. You did drugs and I sat there and watched you in your dazed out state. Maybe that day you got arrested I should have just left you there and called it quits once and for all, I can’t help but be pissed at myself for being so stupid and thinking you’d get better. That whole semester I saw no one. I didn’t hang out with anyone from school I didn’t see my friends from town I was always with you and when I wasn’t I was given a guilt trip. Christmas vacation came, I honestly don’t remember really seeing my friends then either. I do remember buying you an expensive gift and lending you the money to buy a gift for me. I really would have been better off being completely alone.
When I went back to school for spring term I promised my roommates things would change, but you didn’t even give me a chance to. You ruined my relationship fully with my roommates to the point where I moved out of my dorm and was embarrassed to be seen by any of them. I was embarrassed not only of you but because they saw how stupid I was for staying with you. I continued to be your crutch for months after that, and I don’t know if you realize but by the time spring term ended I didn’t see myself as your girlfriend. I was going through the motions because I loved your family and I figured it would be less of a head ache to just stay with you. But the night before you went to rehab and you flipped on me and called me every nasty name in the book I couldn’t deal with it which is why as soon as you left I knew that nothing was ever happening between us again, your stepmom asked me to lie and seem like I wanted you to get better so we could be together because everyone knew that was the only thing that would keep you in treatment which is the only reason I kept any interest. I thought it would give me a chance at a regular teenage life but of course you screwed that up and got kicked out, but I was too far along in realizing that I mean more to myself, my friends, and my family to ever get back with you.
To this day you still attempt to speak to me and I’m sorry but I don’t know if that’s something I could do again because I don’t think it’s not worth people thinking I have no respect or sense of worth for myself by being associated with you. And I hope you don’t honestly think that the mean words you say to me when I ignore you have any effect on me, I know that deep down you’re just trying to feel better about yourself. You’re the one who always said I could do better than you, that is the only time I should’ve listened to what you had to say. I have moved on, I will not go back to the empty shell that you made me. I will never relive another day with someone who makes me feel worthless, like I couldn’t get any better. You robbed me not only of money but of memories and friends that I could have been making if I wasn’t so wrapped up in being worried about you or what you thought of me.
When I think back to those days I think that it would have been much easier to leave you than I thought. If something did come up where my parents found out about your addiction I think they would have been proud of me for leaving you and realizing that your choices were wrong rather than trying to hide and defend them. I would’ve had to deal with you for awhile trying to get me back but I would’ve been away at school having a good time, experiencing what I missed and what I’ll never get back. I know hate is a strong word, but I honestly hate you for that. At least I know that even missing out on the experiences of dorming and now living back at home I will have a more fulfilling life and friends than you will ever have.
With that said I wish you the best, I can say that because I’m a bigger person that you are.
Good Bye,
Kelli
Ouch, right? I can’t say she’s lying either besides a few things. The thing about me getting mad that she was dancing with other guys at the dinner dance, I truly didn’t care that she was. I told her I wasn’t going to dance so if she wanted to dance, I wouldn’t stop her. But most of it is true. I treated her like shit and I’m sorry that she didn’t get to see the real me. The version of me that is NOT plagued by drug addiction and insecurity.
I also have a letter I wrote directed to heroin. It’s basically the same thing that I posted above from my ex but it’s written by me and directed at heroin. I’ll see if I can dig that up and post it.
-legz
