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The Forever Forest

K

K9Unit

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 13, 2001
Messages
545
Location
Atlanta GA, USA
Its been a while since I wrote this poem, and ive shared it with only a few ppl. Recently ive been talking to MDMA Desiple alot, and I showed him a few of the poems, and he suggest I post em up here. So here goes, I wrote this like 4 months ago, after a girl i been chasing turned me down, and then proceaded to rub it in. Enjoy I guess.
The Forever Forest. By David Khaimov.
Here I lie all alone,
In the forever forest, I feel at home.
This chamber is where I reside,
In the forever forest I hide,
From all my emotions.
I keep them locked up in a little box
Next to a tree that grows forever and never dies.
My heart was shattered when the box was opened,
The entire forest could hear my cries.
She took my heart
She told me lies
I was alive and happy
Till we said our goodbyes.
She walked away and I felt nothing.
A tear ran down my face,
And I started my race.
To get the box,
To lock it all up,
I collected all my tears within this cup.
I put my feelings in the box
And hid it well,
In the forest
Safe from hell.
She comes back carrying a knife.
She comes with intent to end my life.
She killed me within.
She said she’d do it again.
I said I wouldn’t die.
But that was a lie.
Now I’m bleeding,
And all I can do is cry.
In this forest I lie alone, with out a home.
She took it all, and now she’s gone.
 
^^^^is that awesome or what? he's got more too that are just as good. it took alot of convincing to even get him to post this one tho, so if you guys want to see more, let the props begin!!!!!
disciple
 
Thanks, I have some more I might post later. It seems that Words doesnt get that much traffic, which is sad, we should get more people into the expresion of feelings with the use of words. I'll have a another piece posten within the week.
I could use a lil more feed back tho, to anyone who reads this, I would really love to hear what you think. And plz be truthfull, if there are somethings you dont like, tell me. So that I may go in the future and maybe improve on my writing skills, or style of writing, so any comments are welcome.
 
No one else read this? Or does no one else like it? Oh well I guess my work isnt to popular, no point in waisting ban-width with more of my trash.
 
^^^^OMG shut your MOUTH honkey! you know that is not true. the lack of responses to this tread is not a reflection of your talent (or lack therof) it has more to do with the fact that ummmm.... NO ONE COMES IN WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
disciple
 
ok k9, here you go.
I think you captured what the girl did to you VERY well with words.
At the same time, I think occassionally you tried too hard for the rhyme. Generally its better to break the rhyme scheme or use a near rhyme word than to use one that doesn't really fit.
A tear ran down my face,
And I started my race.
To get the box,
To lock it all up,
I collected all my tears within this cup.
Pure
Click to expand...
 
hmmm, Good point Pure, I just like for my writings to have a sort of flow that goes with em, Its the way the words come together in my mind. And yeah Words doesnt get traffic for shit, which sucks, it should be mandetory for BLers to vist Words ;)
 
Your writing is very good keep it up. What alot of people don't realize is that writing, and poetry are reflections of one's innerself coming out to say HI. It's also a great stress reliever. It's other peoples problems if they don't want to come into words to see how talented and expressive
life is. Another thing most people are driven by emotions!
 
I normally dont like poems that rhyme coz the writing usually suffers from the lack of available words that rhyme, but yours was pretty gooda :) but I agree with purist on the easing up on the rhyming bit, emotions seem to come across better when you just say what you want to say rather than searching for words that sound the same.still I liked it lots! and dont take a lack of responses to mean that its not good, theres heaps of poems I read and dont reply to for the simple reason that I cant think of anything to say and just saying "nice work" seems to be less than what a lot of these poems deserve. I feel bad when someone has poured their heart out and all I can think to say is "nice" so usually I dont bother.nice work ;) lol
 
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