The End *PLEASE CRITIQUE*

[a100unitSHOT]

These ties that bind
Cannot be broken
I can't hear words
So softly spoken
There is no rain
To hide the tears
Provoked by heartache
Throughout the years
I search for love
My lost heart seeks
I feel the brisk wind
On my cheeks
Sorrow calls
My very name
I turn around
And I'm to blame
Leave me be
I can not soar
I can not love you
Any more
Say goodbye
Our time has passed
Such good things
Weren't meant to last
Face to floor
Again, I'm praying
I despise
This debt I'm paying
How much I cared,
You'll never know
I close my eyes
I'm letting go

 

[shannonsensimilla]

simple but great. Something everyone can relate to whether its a significant other or a drug or whatever. Ive been writing for about 5 years now and when I started I used a lot of "I'm, I, I'll, I've". One thing you can to make it not so indiviualistic is to try to place your actions, feelings into a character in the poem. Then you can have more freedom and space to write about this character however youd like. There are other ways of doing this too like basing your problem on a person who was well known in sharing that same problem, etc. Keep writing.

 

[a100unitSHOT]

^^Thanks. Yeah, I wrote this poem when I was still in high school, like... six (?... Jesus Christ) years ago, and I just came across it the other day in an old journal and was like, ha, that's pretty good considering it's from when I just started writing poetry. So I thought I'd plop it in here.

Thanks for your input.

 

[New]

I like it. Well done.

 

[a100unitSHOT]

I like it. Well done.

Danke.

 

[a100unitSHOT]

simple but great. Something everyone can relate to whether its a significant other or a drug or whatever. Ive been writing for about 5 years now and when I started I used a lot of "I'm, I, I'll, I've". One thing you can to make it not so indiviualistic is to try to place your actions, feelings into a character in the poem. Then you can have more freedom and space to write about this character however youd like. There are other ways of doing this too like basing your problem on a person who was well known in sharing that same problem, etc. Keep writing.

I was re-reading some of my old posts in "Words" (I haven't been here in a while, unfortunately), and I re-read this advise. I do agree with putting the "I," "My," "You," etc into a character to have more freedom, in fact, in a lot of my newer songs/poems, I do so. But in this poem, I prefer to specify that I am the main character, especially in the line "I turn around and I'm to blame." I do appreciate the advice though.

 

[Hear Me Roar]

Great poem!
Simple, but deep and thought provoking.

Maybe look at structure and so forth for a smoother read?