The drugs don't work...

[laughingheart]

I've been suffering some severe depression, I feel like shit almost all the time and I feel like there isn't anything I can do about it.

I'm not sure how many people there are out there that have felt the same way I do but for some reason the drugs don't seem to work anymore. Their no longer exciting or an escape for me. The last time I did heroin I felt like shit, I'm not sure how to explain it, but it didn't feel good. It didn't feel like an escape...

The same way with meth, for a while it was okay but now I don't ever feel like touching it again... the same feeling as heroin like it wasn't an answer or an escape from the pain. I wouldn't say that it accentuated it but it didn't make me feel much better.

In fact I can't name a single drug that makes me feel better... alcohol and weed are two that used to help but even they have lost their effectiveness. I mean at least I used to be able to look forward to these experiences as a way feeling better about things but that never seems to happen anymore.

Everyone says to continue fighting through it... but how much longer do I have to fight, I've been fighting through this problem for what seems like my whole fucking life. How much longer do I have suffer before things get better? I've been actively improving my life but nothing ever seems to ever get better. School, a stable job, exercise... where have these things got me? I don't need money for anything... there seems to be nothing I want...

I just want to escape, I'm getting desperate... What more can I do? For fuck sake what the hell is wrong me? Does anyone know what this feels like or am I the only one?

 

[Lolie]

You've mentioned what recreational drugs you've used to combat your depression but what actual prescribed medications have you tried?

In a way it's a good thing that the recreational drugs aren't doing it for you any more - that removes your incentive to take them. The question now is what will make a difference to how you feel about yourself and your life and the best starting point for that is with a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist.

You also sound like you may have a distorted perception of other people's lives. For most people, life is pretty mundane a lot of the time - make sure you're not comparing your own life to an idealised standard.

 

[n3ophy7e]

laughingheart, so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with depression

Have you ever actually seen a doctor or therapist about your depression? Or have you been trying to self-medicate all these years? Recreational drugs are, for the most part, a band-aid for our problems. They don't usually actually ever SOLVE anything.

I would highly recommend you speak to your doctor about what you're going through. I've suffered with depression for about 15 years so if you want to PM me about it, please feel free to do so

 

[laughingheart]

I haven't actually tried medications but I have an extreme aversion to them. I don't know I think I believe that if I take them then they will dull a part of me, make into a blunt knife (and really what purpose does that serve?)

I think if I come to terms with the fact that it will never go away I can feel a little better about it. I have visited the doctor and discussed these problems with him and he refered me to a psychologist. That was one of the most horrible experiences of my life, she diagnosed me with all these problems that didn't ring true but even still I persevered and did what she told me to do. Guided meditation and all that but it made me feel much worse, I came out of this meditative state and immediately went into a rage. It felt horrible but I continued and it seemed to make me worse with each session so I stopped.

I went to a counciller and she also appeared to not understand the problem that I was going through at all. She told me that I had these issues or this problem and none of them rang true at all.

I've almost given up on the idea of getting professional help because these "so called" professionals seem to have no idea what their talking about. Not that I blame them, they've probably seen a thousands of cases and it's human nature to lump together similar symptoms and to diagnose that way.

Is this the meaning of life all over again (as in there is no answer) or do I have to keep looking?

 

[Lolie]

Guided meditation can be very triggering for some people and any competent professional is aware of that and should adapt the therapy plan to take it into account.

"Counsellors" have no business dealing with serious mental health issues - it's way beyond the scope of their training and competence - although they can be great if you just need someone to vent to or to guide you through achieving mini goals.

I think you should at least get a proper diagnosis. Whether you follow the recommended treatment or not is entirely up to you - at least you could then define the problem and explore your options.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

Whether you believe in the Buddhist principle that attachment to desire is the cause of all suffering or not, there's a lot to be said for not trying to impose your own expectations on the external world. Believing that anyone or anything "should" be a certain way is a pretty good method of guaranteeing your own misery (and often that of those around too).

 

[laughingheart]

I haven't given much thought to Buddhism as a practice but I will definately look into it... I have kind of accepted that this will be some kind of eternal struggle and at the moment I am okay with that.

Thanks for the advice... I'll keep trying to find whatever it is I am looking for

 

[Lolie]

I haven't given much thought to Buddhism as a practice but I will definately look into it... I have kind of accepted that this will be some kind of eternal struggle and at the moment I am okay with that.

Thanks for the advice... I'll keep trying to find whatever it is I am looking for

Like a lot of traditions from that region of the world, it isn't really essential to embrace the philosophy as a whole to benefit from some of its practices - although when you find a bit which works for you it does tend to make you curious about the rest.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is based on a lot of Buddhist principles so it's an option you might want to consider if you decide to try therapy again.

 

[unsettled]

There is a lot to be said for not looking for answers outside of yourself, Buddhism or Zen Buddhism is great to help people with this kind of thinking. All my initial drug experiences were spiritual in nature and have come back to help me recently.

That being said, you said you were depressed and that all your "recreational" drugs no longer worked. I think that is a good sign in a way.

I was like you, I didn't want to see a psychiatrist or try any meds that didn't get me high but overtime I've changed they way I look at this. I think if you're open to trying Heroin and Speed you may as well give antidepressants and therapy a try. When I first saw a psych I wasn't comfortable with any of the diagnosis I received but you have to stick with it for it to work, possibly try another psych. I found after about six months the diagnosis started to fit and it wasn't the original diagnosis, they have to get to know you over time to really help you and while it can be expensive it can be as mind expanding as LSD and as euphoric as Opiates to go through the whole process. I found it to be very valuable to have an unattached medical professional listen to my "problems".

I'm not saying there is any answer in modern psychiatry, just saying that it's a possibility that it will help you. It helped me better understand how my mind worked and how I'm perceived by others. None of the Antidepressants worked for long, but overall it's been a good experience.

These days I'm leaning more towards Buddhism and I'm feeling that trying to find lasting contentment in chemicals or even other people will not work. I feel more and more that the answers are within.

I still get depressed but I've made progress and that's the most important thing, if you feel you're making progress that makes all the difference in the world.

I'd suggest giving a Psychiatrist a try, give it some time, ultimately it's your own life and you can make up your own mind. Depression can be fatal because it can make us reckless and make bad decisions so if you're truly depressed and hopeless I think it's important to find a way to get less depressed.

Good luck. I struggle with depression everyday, but overall I feel better than I used to and that gives me hope.