The death of loved ones...

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Hi everyone,

I'm almost 20 years old and currently in a study abroad program in London, England. I recently went back to the states to attend the funeral of my younger sister who was 11 and my father. They both drowned the 26th of January in the ocean....

I'm an occasional drug user of meth, cocaine, alcohol, opiates (mainly oc), acid, and ecstasy.

I'm scared when I go back to the states in the beginning of April that I'll fall into a horrible downward spiral since I won't be in school till the fall semester and I don't currently have a job. But at the same time, drugs make me feel a sense of happiness and peace. I'm currently using meth, cocaine, and oc to help me cope (not in excess I promise).

I'm not really sure what my problem or question is?
Has anyone suffered from the loss of a loved one?
Has anyone's baby sister died? She was in the sixth grade. She was the baby of the family.

I wasn't close with my father, not as much as my sister. He lived his life. He died at 52. He reached his peak, goals, family life, personal development. My little sister just started wearing training bras. My little sister ... =(.... she didn't get to experience anything yet. How unfair is that? I should have went before her. I've accepted death so many times in my life. Why, her? The thought never crossed my mind. No, never.

Please come back.

What's even more painful than the amount of pain I'm feeling is knowing that my mom is feeling even more pain. I wish there was something I can do. But the only thing, is to try and numb my pain. I still think this is a nightmare and I will wake up soon.

 

[Smyth]

It's hard to accept death because you know that the people whom you care about and are emotionally attached to are NEVER coming back. I still miss not having my father around as I was ten when he died and dont have that strong memories of him in my head because it's almost 20 years since I saw him last. I even mourn ocassionally when I think about the deaths of my cats.

You can make & break relationships but sometimes you have to feel bad about stuff that's happened. It's just part of the circle of life that no matter how heavily you rely on others for emotional support, you are really alone in this world. When you have no parents and family around you anymore you learn to realize that the only person who you can really depend on is yourself.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

My sister depended on her big sister. She depended on me. I didn't save her. I couldn't.

She depended on her father, mother, big brother... where was everyone?

Where was God? I don't understand.

Why couldn't anyone save her? She didn't do anything. She was only eleven.

 

[TINK]

Its natural for you to question why this happened. I have lost loved ones as young as 6 years old and as old as 95 years old. All I know is that it gets easier with time. I am not saying that means you will ever forget but as time goes by it will be easier for you emotionally.

When you get back to the states and you feel that you might need help dealing with your feeling and handling it, I suggest you see therapy or even talk with a loved one. Good Luck

Hugs

 

[n3ophy7e]

My sister depended on her big sister. She depended on me. I didn't save her. I couldn't.

She depended on her father, mother, big brother... where was everyone?

Where was God? I don't understand.

Why couldn't anyone save her? She didn't do anything. She was only eleven.

Hun I am so sorry for your loss. You're right, it is so unfair. Sometimes things happen in life that just do not make sense.

Over time it will get easier. One day, instead of trying to make sense of the pain and the loss, you will only remember the good times and the love that you shared.

I think the best thing you can do right now is be there for your mum. Support each other, share your pain and grief. Like you said, your mum is hurting real bad and if you're there for her it will be easier for you both. Don't lean on drugs for support because they're not going to give it to you. Reach out to your loved ones

 

[Damien]

I'm not good with these things. I've nothing to say. I remember your posts from back in the day though and I'm very very sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[deficiT]

I lost my dad when i was 12 in a car accident. Death truly is horrible and there's nothing anybody can say that will make you feel better. Only time passing can possibly heal your wounds. Acceptance is the only thing that will make you stronger. And as horrible as it may seem, death will make you a stronger person in the long run

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

So sorry to hear this...am experienced in bereavement and I sense you deep pain
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Also sorry to tell you, drugs will not help you with this, might numb the pain for a bit but that's it...and if you continue to use on that kinda basis you will hit big trouble.

It takes time, and you need to grieve. My advice would be to seek bereavement counselling...and if it's no good...find another counsellor and repeat until you find one who you click with

and you will, eventually, learn to live more fully because of this experience

big love...peace

 

[trll]

Hi there,
I have recently been bereaved, as has my son.
And I have been looking into support for us both. I have some addresses and phone numbers of agencies and charaties that seem to be helpful. Please pm me if you would like any info.
Also we live in London.
As others have said, the drugs wont help, not long term. It is a dangerous time for you to be using.
It is very early days since your loss, you are probably still in shock, if you can, let everyone around you know what your going through, and accept as much nurturing as you can.
It is good that you are thinking of your return to the states and anticipate a difficult time ahead, you may be able to set up some councelling for that period of vulnerability. You and your mother may be able to comfort and help each other, like me and my son.
Please get in touch if you wish, I am close by and have some understanding of what you are experiencing. I would like to offer any help I can.
With love,
bx

 

[paranoid android]

Jesus thats horrible im so sorry . I don't even know what to say to it except that it's one of those truely awful things that unfortunatly happens. Fuck sakes.

Drugs seldom help especially not in the long run so taking them for stuff like this is not a good idea. Granted i couldnt in all good conscious tell you not to use any cause id be a total hypocrite. We both know i don't exactly cope well with anything without drugs either . All i can say is using anything addictive long term will most likely make you feel even more fucked.

 

[purple_cloud]

I am very sorry for your loss --- I lost my mom to cancer when I was 20, we were very close, and I'm an only child. There are several other people (some already posted in here) who have also dealt with such a massive loss her on BL. I also felt like my grandparents must have been in more pain than me, since they lost their baby girl (my mom died on her 48th birthday) and my uncle lost his baby sister, and my dad lost his soulmate. It's extremely painful, and I'm not sure there's much I can say to you other than in time it will start to feel better...it's been over 3 years and I've only now started dealing with the trauma and sadness of my loss.

I see you're in Hawaii! The most beautiful place on earth! I've been there 4 times, my grandma who lived there passed away this summer actually while my dad and I were there...on Maui, we flew to Oahu and spread her ashes (these were her wishes) in the same spot her husband's were scattered over 20 years previously, on gorgeous Lanikai beach at sunrise.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat --- sometimes talking to other people who can understand how you feel can help a LOT, I know there are a few people I've encountered that made me feel better --- they also suffered loss, so we could understand each other like no one else could. I feel like my substance abuse sorta took off and went nuts when I lost my mom, so trying to do something to kill the pain for now doesn't seem unreasonable to me. May not be what BLers or other people want to tell you, but I'd be a hypocrite if I said otherwise. I can't fully fathom loosing a sibling since, I've never had any in the first place, but I'm so sorry your sister was taken so young...it makes it even more tragic. Lots of and once again, please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat further.

 

[Asclepius]

Please look after yourself, you have been through so much and your worry is completely justified. My heart goes out to you.

I have lost one person in my life who I was very close to and meant alot to me, she was like a Mother to me when my own Mother wasn't there...when she died I was fucked up so I never really feel like she's gone-I dunno if thats a good or bad thing
...but I can imagine how important it is for your Mom to have the Daughter she has left to be safe. As you need your Mother to be there for you. Perhaps getting therapy together and apart will help you both?

I dont have Siblings but someone Close to me lost one at an early age and he leant on substances heavily to deal with his pain/loss...because of this, he never properly grieved and is still trying to intigrate his natural feelings to this day, he is very unwell. I am not scaremongering but just be honest with yourself(as you have been) and with your vulnerability.
They do block emotions, some which you dont/cant deal with but there are other methods necessary to get help and support, because unresolved feelings have a habit of coming back when we least expect them. Be careful with yourself at this time, surround yourself with people who care and understand what your going through. Keep Excercising the Caution that you've expressed in your post, your a wise person.
Dont shoulder it all yourself hun. Stay in touch.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Thank you everyone for the support. There is just no words for this kind of event. I know many of you suggested counseling, but honestly, what are they going to tell me? That my feelings are justified? Let's talk about good memories? Nothing can be said or done to change what happened and to change what I feel. If I need to talk to someone, I can talk to someone for free. I'm not sure how counseling would help. This isn't a problem and it doesn't require any time of solution. Nothing can make this better.

I'm not sure if any of you have AIM. But I think my sn is on my profile if any of you wanted to add me. =] I would love the company. I seriously don't know what to do with myself at this point. I just try to live life how I normally would. Act how I normally would. But inside, I feel like I'm a completely different person.

Purple_cloud, yes Hawaii is a very beautiful place. London is very gloomy, dark, and cold. I was on my last plane, landing in Honolulu, I could see the palm trees, the clear blue skies, the sunshine, green everywhere...so beautiful. Tears started pouring. I didn't want to land for I know was awaited me. The image of paradise is ruined for me forever. I can never look at Hawaiian waters again with any kind of peace.

I just want my little sister back damnit.


Question, how's your faith since the passing of your loved ones? Were any of you religious before? Has the death changed your religious views at all?

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thank you everyone for the support. There is just no words for this kind of event. I know many of you suggested counseling, but honestly, what are they going to tell me? That my feelings are justified? Let's talk about good memories? Nothing can be said or done to change what happened and to change what I feel. If I need to talk to someone, I can talk to someone for free. I'm not sure how counseling would help. This isn't a problem and it doesn't require any time of solution. Nothing can make this better.

There is some truth to that hun, and everyone holds their own opinions about counselling. If you don't think it's of any benefit to you that is perfectly fine. We all deal with adversity in our own way
I don't use AIM but but occasionally I use msn, are you on msn as well?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Yeah, thanks. I actually don't use MSN. It's okay. Thank you. =]

 

[swmo]

i was kinda like you when it comes to counseling. Nothing else was working to relieve my grief so I went to my first bereavement counseling session on Monday and I'm going to go weekly. I know it's going to help me even though I know what it consists of...the questions, change some behaviors, etc. I still think it's gonna help because you get out of it what you put in.

 

[Asclepius]

Question, how's your faith since the passing of your loved ones? Were any of you religious before? Has the death changed your religious views at all?

I rem a friend of mine saying: ''Im not religious but it does come in handy during the hard times''

...and it can be so true!

I like to visit the grave, it makes me feel like she is still here or something , just a little Alter to her(she used to tend the family plots alot too, so ironically I spent alot of time with her in the Graveyard when I was a kid)
No wonder Im such a fucking Depressive!!

Through Memory, I sense that my loved one's Spirit had such a huge impact on who I am. Sometimes I feel I would be nothing if it wern't for their love for me.
I am of the view that when they died, the imprint and impact of their nature/spirit on you, is your responsibility to carry around and emit/pass on. That is how they are immortalised; through the people they touched counciously/unconciously. I believe everyone leaves an imprint on others but having loved/been loved by someone, who isnt alive anymore, only gets to have meaning on this earth if it is cultivated and nurtured by the person left behind. They 'essentially' still live through you/in you, in Spirit.

Actually, I dont think I'd be here if I didnt have what they mean to me in my heart. Sometimes knowing that helps me through lonliness and it does give me strength. I can visualise very clearly faces, and memories that we shared and no-one can ever take those away from me. Its the one wealth I have, that inner tapestry is mine.

Anyway, thats just my rant about some of my beliefs, dunno if that was what you are asking for, I dont follow religious Dogma but I do have a respect for what it represents to people and it can be very healing for many.
You could also try the Spiritually Thread if you are looking for some answers/directions?

 

[Budisti]

Lost my father a couple of years back at the same time i found out my mother had breast cancer(shes fine now). I really felt hopeless then having both my parents in the hospital.
Troughout my life (since i was like 4 or something) my father had prepared me for his death (starting/ending sentences with "when im gone" etc.(he wasnt a very healthy man)). He always told me the facts of life straight out despite my age, and I didnt appreciate it at the time but now I see ive had an easier time accepting his death and life overall.
My father and mother seperated when i was like 3 yrs old, so i didnt see him that often; the times i saw him he was strict and preparing me to be a man because my mom couldnt do this cause she was a single mother (all respect and love in the world to her).It would have been a whole different story if my mother had died aswell and I cant even imagine what youre going trough.
I wish you the best and im sure that happiness and will yet reach your life, the only advice I can give you is to accept that death is part of life, and life is part of death. Theyre energy will live on, if not on an other plane of existence; atleast in the hearts of the people who knew and loved them.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

i was kinda like you when it comes to counseling. Nothing else was working to relieve my grief so I went to my first bereavement counseling session on Monday and I'm going to go weekly. I know it's going to help me even though I know what it consists of...the questions, change some behaviors, etc. I still think it's gonna help because you get out of it what you put in.

Logically, I just don't see how it would help.

I rem a friend of mine saying: ''Im not religious but it does come in handy during the hard times''

...and it can be so true!

I like to visit the grave, it makes me feel like she is still here or something , just a little Alter to her(she used to tend the family plots alot too, so ironically I spent alot of time with her in the Graveyard when I was a kid)
No wonder Im such a fucking Depressive!!

Through Memory, I sense that my loved one's Spirit had such a huge impact on who I am. Sometimes I feel I would be nothing if it wern't for their love for me.
I am of the view that when they died, the imprint and impact of their nature/spirit on you, is your responsibility to carry around and emit/pass on. That is how they are immortalised; through the people they touched counciously/unconciously. I believe everyone leaves an imprint on others but having loved/been loved by someone, who isnt alive anymore, only gets to have meaning on this earth if it is cultivated and nurtured by the person left behind. They 'essentially' still live through you/in you, in Spirit.

Actually, I dont think I'd be here if I didnt have what they mean to me in my heart. Sometimes knowing that helps me through lonliness and it does give me strength. I can visualise very clearly faces, and memories that we shared and no-one can ever take those away from me. Its the one wealth I have, that inner tapestry is mine.

Anyway, thats just my rant about some of my beliefs, dunno if that was what you are asking for, I dont follow religious Dogma but I do have a respect for what it represents to people and it can be very healing for many.
You could also try the Spiritually Thread if you are looking for some answers/directions?

That really was beautiful. Thank you.

I used to be Protestant until that's happened. Now, I consider myself an atheist.

Lost my father a couple of years back at the same time i found out my mother had breast cancer(shes fine now). I really felt hopeless then having both my parents in the hospital.
Troughout my life (since i was like 4 or something) my father had prepared me for his death (starting/ending sentences with "when im gone" etc.(he wasnt a very healthy man)). He always told me the facts of life straight out despite my age, and I didnt appreciate it at the time but now I see ive had an easier time accepting his death and life overall.
My father and mother seperated when i was like 3 yrs old, so i didnt see him that often; the times i saw him he was strict and preparing me to be a man because my mom couldnt do this cause she was a single mother (all respect and love in the world to her).It would have been a whole different story if my mother had died aswell and I cant even imagine what youre going trough.
I wish you the best and im sure that happiness and will yet reach your life, the only advice I can give you is to accept that death is part of life, and life is part of death. Theyre energy will live on, if not on an other plane of existence; atleast in the hearts of the people who knew and loved them.

Thanks. My parents were similar too in that sense because they often joked about their own deaths. My mother said she will die of cancer soon since her mother passed away from cancer. My father said he would drown since his father drowned. Funny how that works out, right? You grow up though, expecting to outlive your parents. I mean, you KNOW they're going to die. That's why I'm having a much easier time accepting my father's death. You never expect your baby sister to die before she turns 12.

 

[trll]

Pretty Diamonds,

Experiencing untimely shocking death has shaken my beliefs in everything. For a long while I just felt so vulnerable. If this can happen anything can happen, it seems so wrong, unatural, illogical, unfair, unfair, unfair. We are six months down the line and only just feel ready to look at getting support.
I have been lead by my child, who is sixteen, and I have found somewhere we can go where he can meet other young adults, and know he isnt the only one going through this experience.
There is no right or wrong way of dealing with grief, there are no right or wrong feelings. We are finding a way now to allow some joy back in to our lives, little by little. We know thats what "our loved one" wishes for us. His spiritual views were that his energy will live on, that he becomes part of the universe. Sometimes I can feel that, that he is somehow still around. Sometimes not.

London has been cold, grey, harsh and misereable this winter, and just now a little sun poking through. I am sure you have good friends who are there for you, but if there is any help I can give, I am in the same city, my heart reaches out to you.

Betsy