🌟🌟 Social 🌟🌟 The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Ohh no It’s okay, have just been busy as hell with uni and moving out. I’m currently doing decent, unpacking my stuff and rolling a J to smoke later.

Oh! Glad to hear!! So you're finally there after all - great!
All the best for your new life in a new home!

You mean as in a drug chemically or drug as in also referring to addictions like eating disorders? I’d agree the addiction is just a spiral making you go more out of control, while the ‘drug’ whether a chemical or any addiction filling some sort of hole, gives you back that illusion of control, even if for just a moment.

Exactly. I meant the chemical only, but probably goes for other stuff too.

Definitely true, except that control fix is a constant desire I’ve felt since I can remember, essentially addiction to me, is self medicating in a self destructive way.

It’s where for me at least that ‘control fix’ can be in any little daily thing and in periods of abstaining from eating disordered or self harm behaviors and all substances, I’d drive myself crazy with over-perfectionism academically or self sabotaging relationships just to feel something, some kind of ‘buzz’

Hmm yeah, I’ve pretty much had that with every addiction so far. The hardest part is that it’s cyclical, forgetting the pain, at least for me in moodswings it’s like I just can’t access the fact that it did get messy and it did lead to fuckups. And then I do it all over again.

Honestly not sure what my conclusion is either. I guess just the fact that I’ve been through these cycles of addiction many times over and It’s a hard balance between knowing it will eventually spiral but also being more functional and not killing myself or driving myself insane at least in the first bit of a new addiction.

Honestly I just need fucking therapy for dealing with my constant need for control and the way life has always felt too intense for me. Call it borderline autism, ocd, C-pstd, adhd, whatever fucking label, I’ve stopped caring, I just need a way to manage the feeling that life has always felt too intense and that I’m just intrinsically not ‘meant to be here’ which in a way is true, because my body is chronically ill, etc… etc… but then I did happen to be born and be alive and now I have things to live for and sometimes I lowkey wish I hadn’t and could just kill myself in peace knowing I’d hurt nobody.

As per the last sentence I believe many of us have felt that way at some point... The rest is a bit harder for me to grasp. So on the one hand you write life is too intense, but on the other you're craving some sort of "feeling", am I right so far? And it should be something even more intense as to be able to cancel/override the rest? As in shouting louder than the chaos type of thing?

Never really was one particular set of events that put me into this addiction, it is me, the very core of my being and I think the ‘conclusion’ for me is that yeah, addiction is bad self medication and eventually stops working once it spirals out of control.

However in my situation completely abstaining from all that is addictive is unrealistic and best I can do right now is try and stay aware of my own patterns regarding my use and minimizing the risks of spiraling, trying to stay in the ‘functional’ zone as much as possible essentially.

Ok. Thumbs up for the harm reduction. And even though you might know that already I'd still like to add one thing here that makes drug addiction different from other control fixes. And that's the way it scars you. There's a huge difference between self harm and drug abuse here: Scars from self harm and eating disorders are physical. You might get handicapped or die.

Drugs on the other hand might or might not leave any directly visible scars, but they are causing neurological scars in the sense of literally restructuring your brain.
Depending on the type of drug you can face very long lasting paws (post acute withdrawal symptoms). That means anything from weeks to months to years during which you're lacking the ability to feel joy, motivation, calm, can't sleep properly etc., which makes even the basic daily routine way more challenging than ever before. If you were not anxious before, you might be after...
There's also one possibly even more serious consequence: The weakening of your "frontal lobe" (in charge of value-based decisions and self-discipline) due to the long-term sabotage that occurs when you act differently than you know you should or actually want. It's the gap between what you want/know and what you actually do. It's the the addict who wants to stop using, who's had his life damaged and really knows he HAS to stop - but put the doc in front of him and he'll go for it anyway.
You lose your trust in self-efficiency (the believe that you're in control (!!) of yourself) even more so than any other addiction can do, because that ability to control yourself is getting directly opposed by your reward center, and that's the most powerful source of motivation we have. So don't underestimate that. It's a whole different level.

Which I suppose is why we’re both here talking on this forum isn’t it?

True, unfortunately ... Yk while writing this I'm shaking and grinding my teeth... The 7oh that I locked away last night and I dug out again today is wearing off... And Idk how I'm supposed to survive tomorrow... This isn't fun fwiw...

Would be hypocritical not to admit I sometimes love the thrill of spiraling in itself or that I’m always perfectly adhering to my morals of harm reduction though. I do realize I’m a young, naive 19 year old who hasn’t seen and tried it all,

Neither have I. I feel you on everything but being young, lol

there has to be some way even my fucked up being can at least semi-stably function in this shitty little world.

Yes, I believe there is. Just please be kind with mother earth

I think we all have some guilt we’ll carry to the grave for sure. Idk if it makes you feel better but I grew up hating, absolutely despising my dad. But as I grew older I too started to understand his perspective. It’s his unwillingness to change that keeps me from contacting him now, but I think the very fact your talking about your guilt on here, is in itself telling that you want to, or at least wish you could be a better mom for your kids.

I do. I really do.

And maybe one day, no matter how much you may have hurt your kids, they’ll come to understand your perspective. Especially if they see you trying, like I’d reach out to my dad again even after all he did, if he was at least willing to admit the hurt he caused.

I guess the conclusion would be to not stop trying to reduce the hurt we cause to others and ourselves with our addictions and use. Harm reduction when complete abstinence isn’t an option.

Man this is rambly, going to shut up, smoke and finish unpacking my stuff. Tempted to do some 2-mmc but I’m sticking to weed, nicotine and caffeine until tomorrow’s rave. Feels weird having a long term place now, don’t know how I feel, just exhausted and trouble focussing on one task with all this unpacking stuff I guess.

Not too much rambling for me at least.. Hope you can get to enjoy making this place your own. I used to love moving into a new room. A fresh place to fill, offering new chances... I honestly wish you all the best.

 

[Sp4rky]

As per the last sentence I believe many of us have felt that way at some point... The rest is a bit harder for me to grasp. So on the one hand you write life is too intense, but on the other you're craving some sort of "feeling", am I right so far? And it should be something even more intense as to be able to cancel/override the rest? As in shouting louder than the chaos type of thing?

ahh I understand the confusion haha. For me it more has to do with controlling the intensity and (type of) emotions I feel. I’ve never understood the typical ‘just being sad and crying to sad songs’ I’ll go straight into depression not even remembering or believing happiness is a possibility. I can’t just feel ‘a little anxious’ about a presentation or something, I’ve nearly commited suicide as it felt my entire social life was completely shattered. Then most people feel kinda numb / dull after experiencing intense emotions right? For me (especially when I was still on prozac, fuck that shit) I can feel such an intense sense nothingness that I’ll do any impulsive or self destructive thing to feel something again.

So essentially addiction is a control fix for me in the way I can feel more in control over how I feel. Self harm was a way to either relieve intensity or feel in control of my body in a ‘look what I can do to myself’ kind of way. Same with eating disorders, as well as starvation numbing intense emotions, which eventually was also why I kinda got ‘bored’ of my eating disorder.

Whereas drugs, especially the way I’d consider myself a poly addict, can fill every way I either feel out of control. Doesn’t necessary have to be even more intense, I like benzos are one of those where I just want to level out my own intensity but don’t want to feel to ‘stupid’ either, hence why I dislike alcohol ig. Or with stims, like ehh it was sad in a way to lose that initial rush of euphoria, but it’s the calmness in my head and productivity, especially (m)amphetamines give me that is the main reason I love those. Or opioids as they just melt away all body and mental pain/dysphoria without dulling me down like some benzos do.

In some cases I’d say yeah, the overriding of my own intensity is the goal. That one of the reasons I love MDMA, is because a good roll will out-intensify any emotions even long after the initial effects, almost like a trip drug for me, or I try to treat it as one at least. But even with xtc I felt somewhat ‘underwhelmed’, also with the comedown as to me that feels what ‘standard’ sadness should feel like and I find it quite easy to deal with.

Could ramble out xtc for ages, as I’d consider it my favorite, though least frequently used drug. It also fills a gap I feel socially, where I have trouble connecting to other people or just feel like everyone hates me, but on xtc none of that matters and I find it fascinating how the people I’ve met while rolling are some of the people I feel the most comfortable around sober too, I suppose cuz we already saw and talked about all our shit so there’s nothing more to hide and no shame to be felt. MDMA’s social effects transfer to sober me too and sadly that’s not a quality drugs like opioid have.

You need to take more and more to feel the same relieve.

There's a huge difference between self harm and drug abuse here: Scars from self harm and eating disorders are physical. You might get handicapped or die.

Drugs on the other hand might or might not leave any directly visible scars, but they are causing neurological scars in the sense of literally restructuring your brain.

Yeah, I am very aware of this and it’s the hardest part addiction for many of us I’d say. Feel that one deeply with uppers when it comes to productivity / my ADHD symptoms.

In a way I’d argue other addictions do this too however, just differently. Once I got used to self harm, my brain got used to being able to have something to rely on. So even after the wounds turn into scars, there’s still that now louder screaming of ‘I need to dull this down / find some sort of release’. With eating disorders there’s studies on pregnant people during famine periods, where their kids grew up to be more prone to food addictions like binge eating.

Idk, just feel like starving myself during the most critical years for brain development may not have helped. Essentially other addictions are quick to become stepping stones to drug addiction. There’s a drug out there for everyone that would temporarily fix whatever they have going on, but most regular people wouldn’t think ‘ohh I’m feeling sad about this breakup, let’s try scoring some heroin to not feel like this’

That’s what I had with my eating disorder at least. I’d recovered physically, sure, but that mental hole I was starving myself for had only widened by that point and I’d always had a childhood fascination with drugs and rave culture, so drug use ‘naturally’ followed to film that hole.

So don't underestimate that. It's a whole different level.

Oh for sure. I think all addictions impact our brain in ways that lean towards more addictive tendencies if left untreated, but drugs directly, chemically interfere.

A very fascinating, powerful, but also unfortunate truth indeed :/

Neither have I. I feel you on everything but being young, lol

Yes, I believe there is. Just please be kind with mother earth

Mm will try haha, have to make the best of it somehow. Do feel gratitude of having truly good friends and being a passionate, creative person. Haven’t lost hope just yet.

Not too much rambling for me at least.. Hope you can get to enjoy making this place your own. I used to love moving into a new room. A fresh place to fill, offering new chances... I honestly wish you all the best.

thank you Certainly do love organizing and decorating spaces, so I’ll kick myself out of bed and go continue with that

Wish you the best too!

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

ahh I understand the confusion haha. For me it more has to do with controlling the intensity and (type of) emotions I feel. I’ve never understood the typical ‘just being sad and crying to sad songs’ I’ll go straight into depression not even remembering or believing happiness is a possibility. I can’t just feel ‘a little anxious’ about a presentation or something, I’ve nearly commited suicide as it felt my entire social life was completely shattered. Then most people feel kinda numb / dull after experiencing intense emotions right? For me (especially when I was still on prozac, fuck that shit) I can feel such an intense sense nothingness that I’ll do any impulsive or self destructive thing to feel something again.

So essentially addiction is a control fix for me in the way I can feel more in control over how I feel. Self harm was a way to either relieve intensity or feel in control of my body in a ‘look what I can do to myself’ kind of way. Same with eating disorders, as well as starvation numbing intense emotions, which eventually was also why I kinda got ‘bored’ of my eating disorder.

Whereas drugs, especially the way I’d consider myself a poly addict, can fill every way I either feel out of control. Doesn’t necessary have to be even more intense, I like benzos are one of those where I just want to level out my own intensity but don’t want to feel to ‘stupid’ either, hence why I dislike alcohol ig. Or with stims, like ehh it was sad in a way to lose that initial rush of euphoria, but it’s the calmness in my head and productivity, especially (m)amphetamines give me that is the main reason I love those. Or opioids as they just melt away all body and mental pain/dysphoria without dulling me down like some benzos do.

In some cases I’d say yeah, the overriding of my own intensity is the goal. That one of the reasons I love MDMA, is because a good roll will out-intensify any emotions even long after the initial effects, almost like a trip drug for me, or I try to treat it as one at least. But even with xtc I felt somewhat ‘underwhelmed’, also with the comedown as to me that feels what ‘standard’ sadness should feel like and I find it quite easy to deal with.

Could ramble out xtc for ages, as I’d consider it my favorite, though least frequently used drug. It also fills a gap I feel socially, where I have trouble connecting to other people or just feel like everyone hates me, but on xtc none of that matters and I find it fascinating how the people I’ve met while rolling are some of the people I feel the most comfortable around sober too, I suppose cuz we already saw and talked about all our shit so there’s nothing more to hide and no shame to be felt. MDMA’s social effects transfer to sober me too and sadly that’s not a quality drugs like opioid have.

You need to take more and more to feel the same relieve.

Yeah, I am very aware of this and it’s the hardest part addiction for many of us I’d say. Feel that one deeply with uppers when it comes to productivity / my ADHD symptoms.

In a way I’d argue other addictions do this too however, just differently. Once I got used to self harm, my brain got used to being able to have something to rely on. So even after the wounds turn into scars, there’s still that now louder screaming of ‘I need to dull this down / find some sort of release’. With eating disorders there’s studies on pregnant people during famine periods, where their kids grew up to be more prone to food addictions like binge eating.

Idk, just feel like starving myself during the most critical years for brain development may not have helped. Essentially other addictions are quick to become stepping stones to drug addiction. There’s a drug out there for everyone that would temporarily fix whatever they have going on, but most regular people wouldn’t think ‘ohh I’m feeling sad about this breakup, let’s try scoring some heroin to not feel like this’

That’s what I had with my eating disorder at least. I’d recovered physically, sure, but that mental hole I was starving myself for had only widened by that point and I’d always had a childhood fascination with drugs and rave culture, so drug use ‘naturally’ followed to film that hole.

Oh for sure. I think all addictions impact our brain in ways that lean towards more addictive tendencies if left untreated, but drugs directly, chemically interfere.

A very fascinating, powerful, but also unfortunate truth indeed :/

Mm will try haha, have to make the best of it somehow. Do feel gratitude of having truly good friends and being a passionate, creative person. Haven’t lost hope just yet.

thank you Certainly do love organizing and decorating spaces, so I’ll kick myself out of bed and go continue with that

Wish you the best too!

Took a while but I thought about what you wrote. So if I got it by now it's basically about emotional regulation. Your emotions are throwing you into extremes and you feel more or less unable to keep your balance. ?
There's a lack of inner stabiliy and calm, some sort of basic safety or safe ground to rely on...
I have a bit of this running in the family, too, actually. I remember "falling deeply without safety net" whenever something came at me that I couldn't handle or that hurt me. It felt like there was no limit to those reactions - and my mom is the same, though she maybe doesn't see it this way.
I've become a bit more stable over the years, and you hopfully will as well.
I also share the very early fascination with drugs, basically since I ever consciously heard about the existence of such a thing. - As for me I believe in reincarnation and I'm 100% sure I've spent several past lives as an addict of some sort. But that's me..
I briefly reached a point where I could trust the earth to carry me, so to say, and I had some ground under my feet. That's something invaluable and just too normal for many "normal" people....

Our brains are wired differently fs. For me stims are essentially means to access one's own resources and use them much more at a time than naturally possible - at the expense of the next day and also long term life energy in general. I felt they burned me out and left me weak and exhausted (and losing weight which I didn't want to). According to TCM drugs are depleting the Jing, the so called essence, which we inherited from our parents and that's responsible for growth, reproduction and resilience to sickness/ "stress", as well as being part of overall strength and vitality. For stims and alcohol that seemed obvious to me and it took quite a while for me to realize that opioids do that as well. I got to experience it quite a bit by now and especially during withdrawal - when it's also easy to feel that opioids are affecting the whole body and not merely the brain. You feel it in your bones literally, and it's like all life energy is sucked out of them... So at least to me this makes a lot of sense.

In any case I still wanted to add something I'm sure you're already aware of theoretically at least: whatever goes up, must come down. Every high has it's price, and the bill has to be paid sooner or later. You're young, so you won't notice as fast, but for me those bills can be pretty immediate and at times devastating.

Also the reminder I get every morning when I wake up.... It takes almost 30 minutes before I can leave the bathroom, and if I don't dose then, I can't function until I do. I didn't endure CT even once for more than 3 days. I can hardly move, everything hurts and body temp is out of control. It's a humbling experience...
But Ig it's time to shut up now
Sorry for the rant...

 

[Sp4rky]

But Ig it's time to shut up now
Sorry for the rant...

Ahh thought I had already responded to this message, but I guess it didn’t sent :’) No worries about the rant, I actually really appreciate hearing your perspective, good reminders indeed.

OT:

Been fully sober since yesterday night and I got what I expected and deserve I suppose after binging the meth and IC-26 .—.

This family trip has me on the verge of losing my shit already and I just feel so guilty towards my family, especially my little sister who just wants a happy sibling experience especially since me moving out.

Meth comedown bringing waves of just rage and depression. Sleep deprivation so bad I’m hallucinating hearing sirens and just paranoid whispering of my family. Hadn’t even noticed how much the IC-26 was blocking my regular chronic bone pain until now, haven’t been in this much pain for a good while :/

hate how every family trip is always the same with a thousand aching thoughts about how I should’ve taken the risk and smuggled some of my shit with me, if there’s any possibility I could get my hands on anything, just fucking anything to distract. Just over and over and over how as soon as I’m alone again, I’m getting drunk at the airport bar or something, despite me barely liking alcohol. Or going home and getting so high I forget I exist completely.

Every trip it’s the same, the addiction just keeps changing. At least not having to worry at every meal like I did with my eating disorder is somewhat of a comfort. Still having to hide newer self harm scars feels just terribly childish, like wow, you really had to relapse with that, right when you literally knew this trip was coming huh?

Hmm just ranting now, sorry. Hoping to get some sleep tonight. My body desperately needs it and just hope that after these 5 days my thoughts will be less ‘junkie autopilot’ if that makes sense

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Ahh thought I had already responded to this message, but I guess it didn’t sent :’) No worries about the rant, I actually really appreciate hearing your perspective, good reminders indeed.

OT:

Been fully sober since yesterday night and I got what I expected and deserve I suppose after binging the meth and IC-26 .—.

This family trip has me on the verge of losing my shit already and I just feel so guilty towards my family, especially my little sister who just wants a happy sibling experience especially since me moving out.

Meth comedown bringing waves of just rage and depression. Sleep deprivation so bad I’m hallucinating hearing sirens and just paranoid whispering of my family. Hadn’t even noticed how much the IC-26 was blocking my regular chronic bone pain until now, haven’t been in this much pain for a good while :/

hate how every family trip is always the same with a thousand aching thoughts about how I should’ve taken the risk and smuggled some of my shit with me, if there’s any possibility I could get my hands on anything, just fucking anything to distract. Just over and over and over how as soon as I’m alone again, I’m getting drunk at the airport bar or something, despite me barely liking alcohol. Or going home and getting so high I forget I exist completely.

Every trip it’s the same, the addiction just keeps changing. At least not having to worry at every meal like I did with my eating disorder is somewhat of a comfort. Still having to hide newer self harm scars feels just terribly childish, like wow, you really had to relapse with that, right when you literally knew this trip was coming huh?

Hmm just ranting now, sorry. Hoping to get some sleep tonight. My body desperately needs it and just hope that after these 5 days my thoughts will be less ‘junkie autopilot’ if that makes sense

Family trip, huh?... Yeah those can show you, where you're at...
I was on tour with my little one and mom for just 2 days (10 days ago), during which I withdrew from 7oh very notably - and there's no way I can go anywhere without some basic supply (Kratom in this case). It wasn't enough... But at least I was distracted and couldn't up my dose beyond what I prepared in the morning. That part is truly a blessing, still hard to bear.

I adjusted to my addiction a lot meanwhile, so after the right morning cocktail I'm usually able to do my job without incidents ( at least due to drugs). But it's really picking up the pieces and trying to glue them together, so I don't fall apart.
And that's draining the life out of me. I really feel like a zombie at times, literally like a corpse, still moving due to some unnatural force...
And that's "only" due to opioids. I personally believe there's no way to get meth under control to this degree, aside VERY limited use patterns. If you can't sleep, even the best chemical cocktail can't save you from failing - at anything involving a fairly clear thinking process. You might get lucky a few times, but skipping whole nights of sleep simply can't be hidden for long. At least in my opinion and experience.
OT :
I put off eating too long and too often again. I'm feeling sick from the moment I wake up, then need to take my first dose and wait for that to start kicking in at least a little before breakfast... Then end up eating way too late. By that time I feel way too sick to eat properly, the nausea remains... Same game before lunch and dinner; then either knock myself out and sleep early, or I stay up so late, that I'm feeling shitty from WD already before going to bed. And ofc I didn't eat then anymore either.
Day before yesterday I started noticing my lungs as well.. Either due to something in the new nic liquid or because it's stronger... It's a scary sensation... And I'm currently glued to my vape even more than usual, as the dose reductions are taking their toll... -> Patch on.

 

[Sp4rky]

Family trip, huh?... Yeah those can show you, where you're at...

For sure. For me it’s also the added pain of missing a ton of events I was looking forward to long term and also being constantly reminded of why the promise of moving out is what kept me from killing myself many times when I still lived with my mom.

The hard situation of not necessarily abusive family, but just constant conflict and receiving of hurtful comments. Has me wanting to disappear. Today I almost missed my eating disorder and the way I’d feel so so comfortable shrinking and numbing myself down .—. Conflict avoidance is my passion I suppose.

And that's draining the life out of me. I really feel like a zombie at times, literally like a corpse, still moving due to some unnatural force...

I relate a lot to this yeah.. I don’t even have weed right now, mad at myself for not sneaking a few edibles or just something with me. Weed for me is the absolute baseline chemical I need to tolerate life without relapsing into self harm or my eating disorder.

And that's "only" due to opioids. I personally believe there's no way to get meth under control to this degree, aside VERY limited use patterns. If you can't sleep, even the best chemical cocktail can't save you from failing

Definitely agree. I do want to try orally dosing smaller doses of meth, kind of like ADHD medication since the speed quality is too shitty to use that.

Would pick opioids over the meth any day tho. Especially for situations like family trips where I don’t necessarily have to be productive, just tolerable enough to be around.

OT :
I put off eating too long and too often again. I'm feeling sick from the moment I wake up, then need to take my first dose and wait for that to start kicking in at least a little before breakfast... Then end up eating way too late.

Ohh hey I’m not the only one with that daily struggle :’) I feel lucky that weed affects me nicely, especially food wise, as well as the testosterone helping, but I get that fucking struggle.

Only tip I know is having liquid calories ready at all times, especially drinks that have more nutrients than sugar. If you have access to a blender, then blending something like oatmeal into a smoothie helps a lot to get some nutrition in when feeling like shit, I do it a lot if I’m on stims and can’t eat or just in general when I feel sick. Also why I love oatmeal into the morning, always feel too nauseous to chew anything in the damn morning..

 

[Sp4rky]

Either I am fuxked or I am experiencing some kind of drug induced psychosis.

So fucking high right now, nodding off
Can barely see screen

Fuck my life, like seriously

Hallucinating haven’t slept and hearing my roommates talk about calling the cops on me

They could have gone through my room.. they seriously may have because one of my secret stash spots was open and idk if I left it like that and this is just another paranoid freakout or if I hsve to prepare for having my whole life ruined just when I finally had a goodday and was looking forward to things again

At least I feel so fucking good right now I don’t really care anymore.

Don’t know what to do. Have uni in few hours but I can’t go a minute without nodding, but I really wanted to not let this one person down and who cares too long story

Guess I’ll just lay in bed and see. I don’t remember how I got here. Scared of benzo blackout

I hate myself, why do I fuck everything up, alwaysw

 

[Sp4rky]

Either I am fuxked or I am experiencing some kind of drug induced psychosis.

So fucking high right now, nodding off
Can barely see screen

Fuck my life, like seriously

Hallucinating haven’t slept and hearing my roommates talk about calling the cops on me

They could have gone through my room.. they seriously may have because one of my secret stash spots was open and idk if I left it like that and this is just another paranoid freakout or if I hsve to prepare for having my whole life ruined just when I finally had a goodday and was looking forward to things again

At least I feel so fucking good right now I don’t really care anymore.

Don’t know what to do. Have uni in few hours but I can’t go a minute without nodding, but I really wanted to not let this one person down and who cares too long story

Guess I’ll just lay in bed and see. I don’t remember how I got here. Scared of benzo blackout

I hate myself, why do I fuck everything up, alwaysw

Okay nevermind, that was just a moodswing mixed with meth and speed and not having slept cuz my roommates were loudly talking.

Or I think anyway, keep having auditory hallucinations more frequently and it’s scaring me. With some I can tell it’s not real, like I’ll often hear sirens, but then the sound pattern warps weirdly. But hearing others have full on conversations about me is a new one, or semi new I guess.

has me thinking about how much being bullied all throughout middle/high school maybe is still affecting me more than I’d like. If I hear people laughing, I assume they’re laughing at me. If I hear people talking shit, I assume it’s about me. So fucking egotistical and I know it’s not true that absolutely everyone is always talking negatively about me or would spend all their time noticing and criticizing small things I do, but fuck does it stick with me and I wish I could just get over it.

Whatever, stupid ramble, I’m running late for uni, still pretty high on the IC-26 and a bunch of benzos, but hey, at least pinpoint pupils are more normalized than big pupil meth stare .—.

 

[Sp4rky]

Man, one of those days where everything goes wrong and then when I finally get a rest moment and want to eat a piece of late birthday cake there’s fucking ants in it

Like wow thanks universe, that really helps with the paranoia and near obsession with keeping everything clean. Was near breakdown and relapsing or going on a bender when a good friend asked to come over.

Some people always text at the right time, fascinating phenomenon. Won’t go into too much detail, but I haven’t seen this friend in a while, last time was when he stopped me from committing suicide during a breakdown and I still feel guilty for putting him through that :/

Bit anxious, but also looking forward to see him again. Calmed down now, will just be smoking weed tonight. Man I feel blessed with my friends.

 

[Robynlouise]

Took a while but I thought about what you wrote. So if I got it by now it's basically about emotional regulation. Your emotions are throwing you into extremes and you feel more or less unable to keep your balance. ?
There's a lack of inner stabiliy and calm, some sort of basic safety or safe ground to rely on...
I have a bit of this running in the family, too, actually. I remember "falling deeply without safety net" whenever something came at me that I couldn't handle or that hurt me. It felt like there was no limit to those reactions - and my mom is the same, though she maybe doesn't see it this way.
I've become a bit more stable over the years, and you hopfully will as well.
I also share the very early fascination with drugs, basically since I ever consciously heard about the existence of such a thing. - As for me I believe in reincarnation and I'm 100% sure I've spent several past lives as an addict of some sort. But that's me..
I briefly reached a point where I could trust the earth to carry me, so to say, and I had some ground under my feet. That's something invaluable and just too normal for many "normal" people....

Our brains are wired differently fs. For me stims are essentially means to access one's own resources and use them much more at a time than naturally possible - at the expense of the next day and also long term life energy in general. I felt they burned me out and left me weak and exhausted (and losing weight which I didn't want to). According to TCM drugs are depleting the Jing, the so called essence, which we inherited from our parents and that's responsible for growth, reproduction and resilience to sickness/ "stress", as well as being part of overall strength and vitality. For stims and alcohol that seemed obvious to me and it took quite a while for me to realize that opioids do that as well. I got to experience it quite a bit by now and especially during withdrawal - when it's also easy to feel that opioids are affecting the whole body and not merely the brain. You feel it in your bones literally, and it's like all life energy is sucked out of them... So at least to me this makes a lot of sense.

In any case I still wanted to add something I'm sure you're already aware of theoretically at least: whatever goes up, must come down. Every high has it's price, and the bill has to be paid sooner or later. You're young, so you won't notice as fast, but for me those bills can be pretty immediate and at times devastating.

Also the reminder I get every morning when I wake up.... It takes almost 30 minutes before I can leave the bathroom, and if I don't dose then, I can't function until I do. I didn't endure CT even once for more than 3 days. I can hardly move, everything hurts and body temp is out of control. It's a humbling experience...
But Ig it's time to shut up now
Sorry for the rant...

The condescending tone of this reply" oh u unregulated retard" turned me off reading any more.If we could control body functions we would be immortal.I want to know exactly what neurotransmitters etc are being effected(as I didn't cry for 20 years till i had meth.) embarassing .lol.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

The condescending tone of this reply" oh u unregulated retard" turned me off reading any more.If we could control body functions we would be immortal.I want to know exactly what neurotransmitters etc are being effected(as I didn't cry for 20 years till i had meth.) embarassing .lol.

I didn't mean to be condescending fs. If you had gotten over your own projection and read on you might have gotten that.

 

[Sp4rky]

The condescending tone of this reply" oh u unregulated retard" turned me off reading any more.

The reply wasn’t really meant to read as condescending, as I pretty much do state in my post the reply is referring to that I would consider myself pretty unregulated, hence my drug use patterns.

Sorry if that sentence doesn’t make sense, my brain feels fried, so OT:

Almost out of IC-26 and am making the decision to not get more, as honestly panic inducing as that feels right now. Every time it wears off I feel worse and today was just googling my symptoms to find they do match that of opioid withdrawal .—.

Want to stop while it’s still manageable ‘regular depression’ and feeling sick level cuz fuck my stomach and muscles hurt and my vision is blurry. My brain feels like static, everything feels heavy.

Honestly life feels bittersweet right now. This morning I woke up still pretty high and for the first time in years I felt the same excitement to start the day as I did when I was a little kid looking forward to creating art every time I woke up and the fact only some stupid chemical has managed to make me feel that way drives me crazy.

At the same time I feel fucking stupid. Like how long ago has it been since I spent money on clothing or food I didn’t necessarily need instead of drugs? Why can I see the beauty in every stranger yet assume the most negative view when it’s about myself?

I’ve been watching a lot of Hamilton Morris lately and honestly his view on drugs has reminded me of how I was when I started using and honestly it’s a silly justification but it works. If I want to keep doing drugs in the long run, I can’t be doing this type of shit near daily and I just have to be honest to myself about that.

Also the recent conversations with my best friend have helped a lot. We have a lot in common when it comes to our mental health struggles, she’s diagnosed with borderline but is in therapy and actively seeing improvement, so if she can, that should mean there’s hope of things getting better for me too, even if depression comes back occasionally.

Shutting up now, I’m fucking exhausted, but will try to get up and smoke a joint outside now. Don’t know what to do with the last bit of IC-26, want some right now but I know I’d just be postponing feeling bad again, so just weed for now. Hope y’all doing okay

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

The reply wasn’t really meant to read as condescending, as I pretty much do state in my post the reply is referring to that I would consider myself pretty unregulated, hence my drug use patterns.

Almost out of IC-26 and am making the decision to not get more, as honestly panic inducing as that feels right now. Every time it wears off I feel worse and today was just googling my symptoms to find they do match that of opioid withdrawal .—.

Want to stop while it’s still manageable ‘regular depression’ and feeling sick level cuz fuck my stomach and muscles hurt and my vision is blurry. My brain feels like static, everything feels heavy.

Oof... I was actually wondering how long you could keep going before it gets you... (Which is also why I felt uneasy with your recent posts in the daily threads... Didn't want to give you another sad smiley cuz you had me worry sm)... My back is killing me, (too?), and I'm feeling my bones which means the taper is taking it's toll on me. Gotta get ready for the gym now or it will be too late and that's my only alternative to muscle relaxers, so...
Just want to add that drug abuse is not related to being stupid... And you might still be able to try and go for occasionally using. That train has definitely passed for me. Either I get off or I go under... That's it.
Hope you can get the therapy you wish for asap
And now I'm shutting up

 

[Sp4rky]

Oof... I was actually wondering how long you could keep going before it gets you... (Which is also why I felt uneasy with your recent posts in the daily threads... Didn't want to give you another sad smiley cuz you had me worry sm)...

hmm yeah I realized how much I’ve lost count of how much and how often I’ve been using, as well as catching myself not always logging on here when I’d redose, which for me is a major indicator of addicted thought patterns I suppose?

Had it with my eating disorder too where I’d lie about how much I’d eaten as to not upset or trigger members of the forum I was on at the time, despite the entire point of that forum being a place to be brutally honest about your eating disorder.

Really ashamed to admit that, but yeah.. I think it’s a somewhat reliable indicator for me anyway as to whether a specific drug or way of using are going to get problematic or not. With weed, xtc, ketamine and psychedelics I’ve for example never felt the need to lie about my use to my friends and I generally feel confident defending my reasons for using them.

My back is killing me, (too?), and I'm feeling my bones which means the taper is taking it's toll on me. Gotta get ready for the gym now or it will be too late and that's my only alternative to muscle relaxers, so...

Luckily can’t relate to the back pain, but I feel you on the bones part :/ I can literally feel the fact my bone illness also affects my toes, which is crazy cuz how tf does one get their toe bones to hurt

Just want to add that drug abuse is not related to being stupid...

Ohh definitely. For me I often feel that many intelligent (whatever that means ig?) people fall into drug addiction. I often envy people who are ‘stupid’ in the way of not thinking deeply about everything, like man how I wish I could just be happy with simple things and not have constant arguments with my own consciousness .—.

Obviously not to say it’s this black and white in reality. It’s also a privilege having the capability to think about all these concepts of drug addiction and finding it easy to learn new skills, recognize patterns, etc..

And you might still be able to try and go for occasionally using. That train has definitely passed for me. Either I get off or I go under... That's it.

For now definitely not going fully sober. The main ‘relationship’ to drugs I’m aiming for would be to try and only use in ways that have a net positive impact.

Will I never take opioids again? Probably not. But for now it’s definitely a good idea to not use them for a while just to see how they may have impacted my mood for example and to avoid getting into serious wd.

I get having to make that decision to never occasionally/ casually use tho. Have the same with my eating disorder, I know I can never diet or even go to the gym like a normal person without it turning disordered.

Hoping your back pain will become less

Also bless weed for lessening this nausea. Will try and see if I can eat some oatmeal now.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

hmm yeah I realized how much I’ve lost count of how much and how often I’ve been using, as well as catching myself not always logging on here when I’d redose, which for me is a major indicator of addicted thought patterns I suppose?Had it with my eating disorder too where I’d lie about how much I’d eaten as to not upset or trigger members of the forum I was on at the time, despite the entire point of that forum being a place to be brutally honest about your eating disorder.

Well, hiding from others is very much depending on your idea of their expectations or judgements. But it usually also means that you're feeling bad about the stuff you hide. In this context I'd also see it as a red flag, cause YOU know it's going beyond what you feel safe with...

Really ashamed to admit that, but yeah.. I think it’s a somewhat reliable indicator for me anyway as to whether a specific drug or way of using are going to get problematic or not. With weed, xtc, ketamine and psychedelics I’ve for example never felt the need to lie about my use to my friends and I generally feel confident defending my reasons for using them.

That makes a lot of sense to me. There are huge differences in the potential for serious issues among different substances of abuse for most of us. I never tried xtc for some very personal reasons, and I did some pretty reckless shit with K, but it's no where nearly as addictive as opis so didn't get stuck on that one. IRL I'm hiding even the nic vape at home, as I've always been hiding one way or another all my life... It's a survival strategy and while it IS some sort of prison, it definitely saved me many times. So in my case hiding alone doesn't mean all that much. Can't call me an extrovert though

Luckily can’t relate to the back pain, but I feel you on the bones part :/ I can literally feel the fact my bone illness also affects my toes, which is crazy cuz how tf does one get their toe bones to hurt

Oh wow... That always took some hard obstacles suddenly appearing in front of my feet so far ... But sounds like a VERY good reason to avoid opi WD (as is your digestion)...

Ohh definitely. For me I often feel that many intelligent (whatever that means ig?) people fall into drug addiction. I often envy people who are ‘stupid’ in the way of not thinking deeply about everything, like man how I wish I could just be happy with simple things and not have constant arguments with my own consciousness .—.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit" (though that's originally not meant as it sounds). Intelligence is just a means, not a purpose. And so it can be used to destroy as much as help. A complex intellect is like the ever more complex modern electronical devices - much more prone to disturbances simply due to the sheer amount of possible malfunctions. - That's why I prefer simple old style cars that aren't computers on wheels btw. - so much less trouble, really.
(sorry, I ramble)

For now definitely not going fully sober. The main ‘relationship’ to drugs I’m aiming for would be to try and only use in ways that have a net positive impact.

That's probably possible to a very limited extent (and with very limited use), but certainly not easy to achieve and even harder to maintain...

Will I never take opioids again? Probably not. But for now it’s definitely a good idea to not use them for a while just to see how they may have impacted my mood for example and to avoid getting into serious wd.

... This is beyond doubt. And I may add: Run, for your freedom of mind. These chains can bind you and drag you down beyond what a non- addict can imagine or understand even when they see it in others.. You simply can't grasp it until you're there yourself, and sometimes not even then...
Sounds melodramatic, but it's a proven fact. There are simply limits you can break only once. And when you notice, it's irreversible. You may heal and live with the scar, but an addict's brain won't turn back to "normal" again. Like you can kill a child but not make it unborn (don't ask me where that came from >.<)..

I get having to make that decision to never occasionally/ casually use tho. Have the same with my eating disorder, I know I can never diet or even go to the gym like a normal person without it turning disordered.

not even a dancey course? I can imagine with machines but in a structured lesson? ... I wouldn't mind the diet, but no fun movement? That sounds really sad...

Hoping your back pain will become less

It did, ty

Also bless weed for lessening this nausea. Will try and see if I can eat some oatmeal now.

How are you doing by now?

 

[Sp4rky]

Well, hiding from others is very much depending on your idea of their expectations or judgements. But it usually also means that you're feeling bad about the stuff you hide. In this context I'd also see it as a red flag, cause YOU know it's going beyond what you feel safe with...

True, It’s mostly hiding it from my friends who’ve never judged me for doing drugs that makes me feel bad. Hiding my use from my family just feels like common sense, my mom only caught me once with weed and I really don’t want to know her reaction if she knew the full extent of it all .—.

That makes a lot of sense to me. There are huge differences in the potential for serious issues among different substances of abuse for most of us. I never tried xtc for some very personal reasons, and I did some pretty reckless shit with K, but it's no where nearly as addictive as opis so didn't get stuck on that one.

Yeah, for me K is more a trip drug or in VERY small quantities a nice add-on to combinations, but I find it pretty self-limiting.

IRL I'm hiding even the nic vape at home, as I've always been hiding one way or another all my life... It's a survival strategy and while it IS some sort of prison, it definitely saved me many times. So in my case hiding alone doesn't mean all that much. Can't call me an extrovert though

Ohh I definitely relate with the hiding everything from family and I feel you in the ‘survival strategy’ aspect.. For me it’s the fear of losing control if I tell too much.

Just shit like getting sent to rehab, psych ward, forced to move back home, etc… It’s the type of thing where I feel both incredibly shitty about lying but also know exactly what parts of my childhood caused that and knowing it’s often the better choice :/

That's why I prefer simple old style cars that aren't computers on wheels btw. - so much less trouble, really.
(sorry, I ramble)

Haha, I have the same thing but with drawing. As much as I love digital art, I tend to draw better with just a single pen and a piece of paper.

Also I never mind people’s rambles, so no need to apologize. Maybe I am biased tho because I also ramble a lot

You may heal and live with the scar, but an addict's brain won't turn back to "normal" again.

For sure, once you get used to depending on any kind of addiction, everything becomes a minefield.

Although of course everyone will be different in what addictions or specific substances fill that hole I suppose.

not even a dancey course? I can imagine with machines but in a structured lesson? ... I wouldn't mind the diet, but no fun movement? That sounds really sad...

Ehh maybe dance lessons, but for most of my life I wasn’t physically able to do any sports or too physical type of hobbies due to my chronic illness.

I do love dancing and music, but I don’t like the forced nature of dancing lessons, I’m not particularly good at it, except very specific moments on xtc maybe.

How are you doing by now?

Honestly not great. Managed with just weed until yesterday. Morning spend in ADHD paralysis or depression so bad that I was procrastinating doing meth for hours. Just couldn’t get myself to do anything .—.

And then the rest of the day was just shit too. One of those days where genuinely every little thing went wrong and everything was chaos. Ended up in the ‘I either relapse with self harm or go get high rn’ and honestly I should have just hurt myself instead, objectively speaking anyway.. Used most of the last bit of IC-26, now scraping the absolute last from the bag and feeling a slight sense of doom.

Plan still is to not order more. Have a rave tonight and mother’s day on Sunday, so hoping all that will distract me enough to stick to that. But all that is so fucking easy to say while still high and feeling good I suppose. I’m shutting up now, feel guilty for clogging up this thread godamn

 

[simplefilter]

Plan still is to not order more. Have a rave tonight and mother’s day on Sunday, so hoping all that will distract me enough to stick to that. But all that is so fucking easy to say while still high and feeling good I suppose. I’m shutting up now, feel guilty for clogging up this thread godamn

I hope everything is ok and I don’t think you should feel bad about reaching out for support! Please update if you have the time.

Lurkers be getting invested and all.

 

[Sp4rky]

I hope everything is ok and I don’t think you should feel bad about reaching out for support! Please update if you have the time.

Lurkers be getting invested and all.

Ahh thank you, I’m doing somewhat alright now. Haven’t bought more IC-26, but do still have O-DSMT opioid wise and had some fuck-ups with that, but haven’t used any for almost a week now I think. Had a lot of good times with friends the past couple of days, so that has really helped