It's 03.08 in the south of Scotland. I'm in bed after too much amphetamine and a little valium. I've been drinking and now I have a biff in my hand to send me to sweet oblivion.
Here's the confession. I will leave this up when I have sobered up. There's no point hiding this.
There was a man I loved once, called Alan. We both used this site under various screen names to post poems. Most of those poems are still up here.
It's over three years since he finished things and we don't even speak these days. I noticed someone posting under a new username in Words. I think it's him. He has stopped posting so I thought I had scared him off, as he wouldn't know I'm still on here and my screen name is blatantly obvious to him due to this being the nickname he gave me.
I freaked out when I realised it was him and I wrote some pretty heavy journal entries. Some of then about being over him. I am 90% sure it's him but I do think sometimes that I'm kidding myself.
I wanted him to see those journal entries and to think that I'm 100% happy and over him. Yes I'm happy but no I'm not over him. I think I am but then I find myself at 3am writing a blog that will probably make no sense in the morning to say that I still love him and I still miss him intensely.
I'm doing fine on my own and I'm happy for the most part but every now and then something comes up and I think of him. I see something he would have loved. I hear a song he'd have liked. And I feel this emptiness in my chest like winter chills blowing through my ventricles.
I'm so different from the person I was then. But in so many ways just the same. Over the time I knew him I changed in negative ways. Through my own insecurity and my own jealousy and pain.
Now, more than ever, I feel like I'm the girl that he met off the bus who was so nervous. The girl in the corduroy jacket and the puma trainers you didn't like. I want to tell you things. The random things. Like I'm sitting listening to "whistle for the choir" by the fratelli's on repeat on Facebook because you played it to me and it was about us when I ran away to Edinburgh and you came up for new year. It ended before and "Mardy Bum" by the arctic monkeys was suggested. That song reminded you of me. That new year you made home-made soup and we kissed as fireworks went off. I still have the photo you took of me on my laptop. I was so happy to have you there and when you went home I just wanted you to be there in my bed, the one in the ceiling that you were scared you'd fall out of. I'd have held you safely. You were my reason for everything.
Alan, I don't know if you are the persona I think I've seen on here and I don't know if you'll ever read this but I want you to know that I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I maintain that I never cheated on you and if you'd wanted me to acknowledge you to my friends I would have done it in a second. I'm thirty now and I've had to start again but you defined my twenties. You redefined what I thought love was and you made the emotion I had belong to you. I know we argued and I was a bitch. I was selfish and I was jealous. I need you to know that the only reason I couldn't socialise with you was because I couldn't bear to share you.
You were my light, my inspiration and you were my muse. Even now I write poems for you. Check the threads I've posted. Read them.
I know you're with someone else now and you're happy. I know you aren't who you were when you were with me and I'm not the girl I was when I was with you. But you owned me. You shaped me and even to this day you influence me in a way that I think is my own until you appear in my head and I know the encouragement has come from you. You gave me enough strength to live when I had none. You showed me sweeping romance and blinding emotional pain. It pains me that someone else was right for you, and that I wasn't. But I genuinely hope that you are happy and fulfilled. I would never want you to suffer the way you did with my bad times. I carry that guilt every day. I have never forgotten the grief I felt when I realised that you didn't want me in your life.
But as the quote goes, between grief and nothing I choose grief, because the pain reminds me that I had you. You will always be a part of me and if you ever find yourself alone again and you want to share one last time just sitting with me, talking shit and playing Morrissey. Look for me, and you'll find me.
One last thing. There was a poem you wrote me that's still on here. It talks about how you still loved me. I think you posted it a week or so after things went bad for the last time. I want you to know that I didn't see that poem until about two months ago. That's about 3 years. I didn't know. If I had known I would have found you and I'd have told you that I still loved you too and tried to explain how wrong you had things. The reason I didn't is because I cut myself off because it was too much to deal with. I know I bombarded you with texts but that three days you did the exact same. All saying such hurtful things. One of my friends died in a stupid senseless accident a few days later and that consumed me. I know you'll understand that. I have never lost a friend as in them dying. Especially in such a senseless way. He was only 25. I wasn't right for a long time and didn't check the website again for a year or so. I've seen you once or twice when I've been out socializing since then. Both times I just wanted to take your hand and lead you to my door. I'm sorry Alan. I know you won't approve of this amphetamine rant. But you know as well as I do that sir Billy always tells the truth.
I love you. I always will. If you ever need me then I think you know in your heart where you can find me.
I'm sorry.
Here's the confession. I will leave this up when I have sobered up. There's no point hiding this.
There was a man I loved once, called Alan. We both used this site under various screen names to post poems. Most of those poems are still up here.
It's over three years since he finished things and we don't even speak these days. I noticed someone posting under a new username in Words. I think it's him. He has stopped posting so I thought I had scared him off, as he wouldn't know I'm still on here and my screen name is blatantly obvious to him due to this being the nickname he gave me.
I freaked out when I realised it was him and I wrote some pretty heavy journal entries. Some of then about being over him. I am 90% sure it's him but I do think sometimes that I'm kidding myself.
I wanted him to see those journal entries and to think that I'm 100% happy and over him. Yes I'm happy but no I'm not over him. I think I am but then I find myself at 3am writing a blog that will probably make no sense in the morning to say that I still love him and I still miss him intensely.
I'm doing fine on my own and I'm happy for the most part but every now and then something comes up and I think of him. I see something he would have loved. I hear a song he'd have liked. And I feel this emptiness in my chest like winter chills blowing through my ventricles.
I'm so different from the person I was then. But in so many ways just the same. Over the time I knew him I changed in negative ways. Through my own insecurity and my own jealousy and pain.
Now, more than ever, I feel like I'm the girl that he met off the bus who was so nervous. The girl in the corduroy jacket and the puma trainers you didn't like. I want to tell you things. The random things. Like I'm sitting listening to "whistle for the choir" by the fratelli's on repeat on Facebook because you played it to me and it was about us when I ran away to Edinburgh and you came up for new year. It ended before and "Mardy Bum" by the arctic monkeys was suggested. That song reminded you of me. That new year you made home-made soup and we kissed as fireworks went off. I still have the photo you took of me on my laptop. I was so happy to have you there and when you went home I just wanted you to be there in my bed, the one in the ceiling that you were scared you'd fall out of. I'd have held you safely. You were my reason for everything.
Alan, I don't know if you are the persona I think I've seen on here and I don't know if you'll ever read this but I want you to know that I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I maintain that I never cheated on you and if you'd wanted me to acknowledge you to my friends I would have done it in a second. I'm thirty now and I've had to start again but you defined my twenties. You redefined what I thought love was and you made the emotion I had belong to you. I know we argued and I was a bitch. I was selfish and I was jealous. I need you to know that the only reason I couldn't socialise with you was because I couldn't bear to share you.
You were my light, my inspiration and you were my muse. Even now I write poems for you. Check the threads I've posted. Read them.
I know you're with someone else now and you're happy. I know you aren't who you were when you were with me and I'm not the girl I was when I was with you. But you owned me. You shaped me and even to this day you influence me in a way that I think is my own until you appear in my head and I know the encouragement has come from you. You gave me enough strength to live when I had none. You showed me sweeping romance and blinding emotional pain. It pains me that someone else was right for you, and that I wasn't. But I genuinely hope that you are happy and fulfilled. I would never want you to suffer the way you did with my bad times. I carry that guilt every day. I have never forgotten the grief I felt when I realised that you didn't want me in your life.
But as the quote goes, between grief and nothing I choose grief, because the pain reminds me that I had you. You will always be a part of me and if you ever find yourself alone again and you want to share one last time just sitting with me, talking shit and playing Morrissey. Look for me, and you'll find me.
One last thing. There was a poem you wrote me that's still on here. It talks about how you still loved me. I think you posted it a week or so after things went bad for the last time. I want you to know that I didn't see that poem until about two months ago. That's about 3 years. I didn't know. If I had known I would have found you and I'd have told you that I still loved you too and tried to explain how wrong you had things. The reason I didn't is because I cut myself off because it was too much to deal with. I know I bombarded you with texts but that three days you did the exact same. All saying such hurtful things. One of my friends died in a stupid senseless accident a few days later and that consumed me. I know you'll understand that. I have never lost a friend as in them dying. Especially in such a senseless way. He was only 25. I wasn't right for a long time and didn't check the website again for a year or so. I've seen you once or twice when I've been out socializing since then. Both times I just wanted to take your hand and lead you to my door. I'm sorry Alan. I know you won't approve of this amphetamine rant. But you know as well as I do that sir Billy always tells the truth.
I love you. I always will. If you ever need me then I think you know in your heart where you can find me.
I'm sorry.