The Chips are Down.

[Shiverman]

Hey all,

I'm sorry to bombard you all with another sob story but I would greatly appreciate any real, constructive advice to help me get my life back on track. I'm not asking for pity or sympathy.

A bit of background info - I come from a good, wealthy family. I can't remember much of my childhood but what I do recall is being a bit of a moody pain in the arse to my teachers, family and friends. My adolescence was a blur of foolish behaviour, recklessness, apathy and depression in no particular order. I got my shit together in my final year of high school, got good grades and got into law at university.

At 18 I got into hard drugs. Since then I’ve been binging on cocaine, ecstasy and amphetamines on a weekly basis. I’m now 22. I also drink heavily and on an almost-daily-basis and I smoke weed regularly. The last four years have defined me as a selfish, irritable, foolish and idiotic drug fiend. Now I’m in a position where I want out. Trouble is, I struggle quite a bit with anxiety, paranoia, poor memory, psychosis, mania and depression. I have seen doctors and psychologists who have told me to get clean in order for them to diagnose then help me.

I live in a relatively small city where everybody seems to know each other and I’ve become quite infamous amongst my peers and strangers for my behaviour and drug habits. People tell me I’m psychotic and delusional about the bridges I think I’ve burnt and the enemies I think I’ve made but I’ve seen and heard things that Illustrate that I’m right. (Things others have seen and heard too)

Right now I feel like I’ve got two ways out. One is to get clean and back on track. I’m having trouble facing a life knowing how badly I’ve fucked up. Sometimes I’m convinced of some pretty irrational ideas relating to my reality and I completely lose sight of quitting drugs (eg people reading my mind, knowing my secrets etc.) But that’s not all the time. Sometimes I understand that I’m responsible for my predicament.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much. If anyone can give me some advice on the steps I need to take to get out of this mess you just might save me and I would greatly appreciate it.

Peace.

 

[Legerity]

Hey man...my past was pretty similar to you. Around age 18 I was doing the coke/MDMA/amphetamine binges whenever possible. Dropped out of school, wasn't working, mental health was deteriorating, so on and so forth.

Just the fact that you are questioning your lifestyle is a great thing. Fixing up your life at this point will be easier than deciding to do so 20 years down the road.

I think it's difficult to tell somebody HOW to change their life because everybody has individual needs. But I think the most important thing is to solidify in your mind the desire to change, and then things will happen as they are meant to. Some people just give up their drug use from one day to the next when there is a moment of clarity that they don't want to do it to themselves anymore. Other people gradually reduce to the point that it no longer interferes with their lives.

It's up to you what approach you want to take. But the drug use is just a symptom of something else. If you find the underlying issues and deal with them then the drug use should easily decrease or even stop. If they are no longer serving a purpose for you then they will have much less of a pull.

So what do you feel is lacking in your life? Is there a small easy change that you can start with that will build your confidence in your ability to make other changes?

 

[Lolie]

You seem to have some insight into the fact that you are at times delusional. None of us can tell you for sure whether your paranoia is drug-induced but the drugs are not likely to have made it better. Your perceptions are out of whack at the moment so it's highly likely that you're over-estimating the degree to which you've fucked up.

Your absolute best option would probably be a dual diagnosis rehab facility as they're equipped to deal with both the drug use and any underlying mental health issues. If that's not an option for you then you need to find a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist who can help you with the mental health issues.

It isn't uncommon to defer diagnosis when there are other factors in play but deferring a diagnosis doesn't mean that your symptoms should be left untreated. Getting you stable will likely be the first treatment priority and that will almost certainly involve psychoactive drugs plus some form of therapy.

 

[K-Dazed]

Sometimes I’m convinced of some pretty irrational ideas relating to my reality and I completely lose sight of quitting drugs (eg people reading my mind, knowing my secrets etc.)

Are you on drugs when you think of this ideas? Lots of amphetamines will do this type of shit to you.

 

[Missykins]

Not to sound trite, but you should go to rehab where you are in a controlled, drug-free environment so your brain can have some chance to recover. IMHO, it's the structure that rehab provides that is of most value, at least for me.

 

[Shiverman]

Legerity:

"So what do you feel is lacking in your life? Is there a small easy change that you can start with that will build your confidence in your ability to make other changes?"

That'd be a good start. I guess the hard part is my underlying issues and drug use are intertwined. Hence I agree with my doctor and psychologist that I need to get clean first and foremost.

K-Dazed:

"Are you on drugs when you think of this ideas? Lots of amphetamines will do this type of shit to you."

I've had a couple of acute psychotic episodes whilst on gear but the long term, 'delusions' and psychoses happen when I'm sober.

I guess rehab is the best option. I'm dreading coming clean to my family. And I have a full time job, large debt and an overseas trip coming up very soon and I'm gonna find it hard to drop everything. But I have to bite the bullet and stop running sometime.

Thanks for the input guys, much appreciated!