I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.
For the last few weeks... months? I've been caught in this crazy time with my best male friend. He and his fiancee broke up. That wasn't really a surprise because I've been his emotional mistress all this time. He's admitted himself that when he needs someone it's always me that he wants and that he never wanted to go to her.
When he and I first met there may have been a frisson of attraction between us but the one time we allowed anything to happen it was just not the right situation and we both ended up feeling a bit embarassed. Then life kind of got in the way... and somehow we ended up best friends. He watched my other best male friend break my heart... I never thought that this guy would though.
I'm pretty naive, I'm sure you've noticed.
So now that my friend and his lady have broken up, we've been spending a lot more time together. We tend to go out drinking or get on the powder. It's always been a great time. He started coming onto me when he was wasted, but he always backed out at the last minute until about a month ago when we'd been out drinking, had a great night, and went back to his to drink wine. He was very serious about it, sat me down, made an indecent proposal and I went off for a bath and to have a think about it. I guess the fact that I've been single for over four years kind of got the better of me. That, on top of the fact that I have probably always fancied him and just not been able to admit it.
It was AWESOME... but I was working the next day so I left after he fell asleep and texted to let him know why I'd gone.
So in the weeks after this event we would go out every Thursday night. And every Thursday night would end in drunken arguments. He wants to move to London, he won't talk about what happened between us, stuff like that...
Saturday night last week I was at a Wedding. Early hours of Sunday (it was a hippy wedding, so it was pretty full on, outdoor music etc) he texted and said he missed me. Which he's never said before. Then what followed was the filthiest four hours of texting I've ever seen.
Of course, I was speedy, and he was coked... I'm very truthful when I'm using phet, but I guess the coke just brought out his manipulative side.
Long story short I feel like he's picking me up and dropping me at his whim, now he's moving to London with next to no forward planning. He's got a medical condition that affects his ear and he's suffering badly with depression - it was the blues that bonded us in the first place - as I was pretty much the first person he could open up to.
There's so many little subtle things that I would need to explain for anyone to understand this, but I haven't got the heart to sit here and write them all out as my heart just feels painful.
We're not talking anymore. I've not heard from him since Wednesday. Normally we text each other all day every day unless one of us is having a depressive spell. Even then we still check in. I told him to leave me alone but it was in a fit of anger because he was completely disregarding something that was important to me... which is something he seems to do a LOT. He's always come first, his thoughts, his emotions, his feelings, his situations.
The problem is that I've indulged them for the last four years. I've allowed him to be a certain way with me and he now thinks that he can treat me exactly as he likes and that I'll just take it. I can't take it. I nursed him mentally through some of the hardest times of his life when he had a fiancee that should have done it for him. When he self harmed it was me that cleaned up the blood and made sure he was ok... she turned up with a band aid the next day and claimed she'd done all the work. He gave her expensive jewellery, holidays, got a stunning car for them, he wanted kids and marriage and a beautiful life. And she treated him like SHIT. I've no doubt that he was a dramatic little fucker but she was absolutely psychotic. He's mentally, physically and permanently scarred because of some of the shit that she's done to him. Who picked up the pieces every time?
Me.
I had to take a stand, I just couldn't deal with the arguments or the not knowing if he was just wanting a sexual relationship with me because he's lonely or because he cares about me. I think it's just because he's lonely. He still has her spare toothbrush, makeup bag and deodorant at his flat.
I can't bear to be used like that, hearing my best friend comparing my bedroom skills to that of his ex fiancee was just awful, even though he was comparing me in a favourable light. It's just so wrong... yet the times that I deliberately let my shirt unbutton or dropped something sexy into conversation... it made him hungry... I used to be able to read him better than anyone. Although saying that most guys are lead by their dicks and his reaction would have been a primal response rather than a romantic one.
Anyway, here's me at my parents house, feeling sad and alone and missing him like crazy. I had to get out of the town where we live as it all felt too close for comfort. I can't say I'm forgetting it... the ache in my chest just won't let me forget... but I'm amongst people that I love so that makes me feel better.
I could break, I could contact him, but I cannot fall back into that habit because it means he'll always have the upper hand and I will NOT let myself be controlled that way.
He leaves for London in just under a month. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might never see him again. And if I make this sacrifice...
Will I ever feel rewarded or will I always feel this empty?
There's no answers.
My only solace is the song "Picking Up The Pieces" by Paloma Faith.
Anyway, that's my rant overwith.
I fucking miss him. So fucking much. But I can't admit that to anyone who knows me.
For the last few weeks... months? I've been caught in this crazy time with my best male friend. He and his fiancee broke up. That wasn't really a surprise because I've been his emotional mistress all this time. He's admitted himself that when he needs someone it's always me that he wants and that he never wanted to go to her.
When he and I first met there may have been a frisson of attraction between us but the one time we allowed anything to happen it was just not the right situation and we both ended up feeling a bit embarassed. Then life kind of got in the way... and somehow we ended up best friends. He watched my other best male friend break my heart... I never thought that this guy would though.
I'm pretty naive, I'm sure you've noticed.
So now that my friend and his lady have broken up, we've been spending a lot more time together. We tend to go out drinking or get on the powder. It's always been a great time. He started coming onto me when he was wasted, but he always backed out at the last minute until about a month ago when we'd been out drinking, had a great night, and went back to his to drink wine. He was very serious about it, sat me down, made an indecent proposal and I went off for a bath and to have a think about it. I guess the fact that I've been single for over four years kind of got the better of me. That, on top of the fact that I have probably always fancied him and just not been able to admit it.
It was AWESOME... but I was working the next day so I left after he fell asleep and texted to let him know why I'd gone.
So in the weeks after this event we would go out every Thursday night. And every Thursday night would end in drunken arguments. He wants to move to London, he won't talk about what happened between us, stuff like that...
Saturday night last week I was at a Wedding. Early hours of Sunday (it was a hippy wedding, so it was pretty full on, outdoor music etc) he texted and said he missed me. Which he's never said before. Then what followed was the filthiest four hours of texting I've ever seen.
Of course, I was speedy, and he was coked... I'm very truthful when I'm using phet, but I guess the coke just brought out his manipulative side.
Long story short I feel like he's picking me up and dropping me at his whim, now he's moving to London with next to no forward planning. He's got a medical condition that affects his ear and he's suffering badly with depression - it was the blues that bonded us in the first place - as I was pretty much the first person he could open up to.
There's so many little subtle things that I would need to explain for anyone to understand this, but I haven't got the heart to sit here and write them all out as my heart just feels painful.
We're not talking anymore. I've not heard from him since Wednesday. Normally we text each other all day every day unless one of us is having a depressive spell. Even then we still check in. I told him to leave me alone but it was in a fit of anger because he was completely disregarding something that was important to me... which is something he seems to do a LOT. He's always come first, his thoughts, his emotions, his feelings, his situations.
The problem is that I've indulged them for the last four years. I've allowed him to be a certain way with me and he now thinks that he can treat me exactly as he likes and that I'll just take it. I can't take it. I nursed him mentally through some of the hardest times of his life when he had a fiancee that should have done it for him. When he self harmed it was me that cleaned up the blood and made sure he was ok... she turned up with a band aid the next day and claimed she'd done all the work. He gave her expensive jewellery, holidays, got a stunning car for them, he wanted kids and marriage and a beautiful life. And she treated him like SHIT. I've no doubt that he was a dramatic little fucker but she was absolutely psychotic. He's mentally, physically and permanently scarred because of some of the shit that she's done to him. Who picked up the pieces every time?
Me.
I had to take a stand, I just couldn't deal with the arguments or the not knowing if he was just wanting a sexual relationship with me because he's lonely or because he cares about me. I think it's just because he's lonely. He still has her spare toothbrush, makeup bag and deodorant at his flat.
I can't bear to be used like that, hearing my best friend comparing my bedroom skills to that of his ex fiancee was just awful, even though he was comparing me in a favourable light. It's just so wrong... yet the times that I deliberately let my shirt unbutton or dropped something sexy into conversation... it made him hungry... I used to be able to read him better than anyone. Although saying that most guys are lead by their dicks and his reaction would have been a primal response rather than a romantic one.
Anyway, here's me at my parents house, feeling sad and alone and missing him like crazy. I had to get out of the town where we live as it all felt too close for comfort. I can't say I'm forgetting it... the ache in my chest just won't let me forget... but I'm amongst people that I love so that makes me feel better.
I could break, I could contact him, but I cannot fall back into that habit because it means he'll always have the upper hand and I will NOT let myself be controlled that way.
He leaves for London in just under a month. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might never see him again. And if I make this sacrifice...
Will I ever feel rewarded or will I always feel this empty?
There's no answers.
My only solace is the song "Picking Up The Pieces" by Paloma Faith.
Anyway, that's my rant overwith.
I fucking miss him. So fucking much. But I can't admit that to anyone who knows me.