The Alien (Work In Progress)

[captainballs]

How much longer could this go on? The never-ending drudgery. Waking up an hour before the alarm – only two hours after having successfully shut one’s eyes – in an instinctual effort to prepare for the mindlessness awaiting him at the production warehouse. The alarm ringing needlessly as a nervous reminder that the night’s build-up of phlegm in Stewart’s throat was about to activate his gag reflex and force his empty stomach to eject burning bile through his esophagus. The commotion within prompted the day’s first exercise of frightful heaving, gagging, and snotting. Then came the tears, which were either a consequence of a digestive system chronically angry at its owner or, equally likely, a product of Stewart recognizing the tiresome, tortuous flickering of his dilapidated soul.

How cruel it was for his professors to introduce him to idealism, forcing thoughts of infinite growth and betterment into his subconscious? A profound cynicism must be the ultimate goal of this deliberate atmosphere, as students are shown the brightest light without realizing that they would be given the errand of shining it themselves from the inside of a black hole.

 

[TheDeceased]

I think the voice is a little unclear. The first sentence is from the perspective of Stewart or at least a narrator that is essentially inside Stewart's head but you then go on to refer to him by his first name in the third person. I'm tempted to say make it all first person, but I think the third person sentences are the strongest. You can keep both first and third if you clarify what are Stewart's thoughts and what is the body text. ie,

How much longer could this go on, Stewart thought. The never-ending drudgery.

Or italicize it... or split the paragraphs (at the very least).

Personally I would cut the first sentence entirely. The second is stronger. Start with something like:

The never-ending drudgery. Stewart woke an hour before his alarm - only two hours after falling asleep...

In unrelated news, you mention in the following sentence that the alarm is ringing which it wouldn't be unless an hour had passed. The alarm cannot both be ringing and not be ringing. I'd start that sentence at:

The night's build up of phlegm...

Some of it is very well written, particularly when it gets going after the first couple of sentences. But I think some of it is also over-written. Your sentences tend to be very long, which is fine sometimes, but I'd cut some of the adverbs. I would cut: frightful (implied), instinctual (implied), production (less is more), needlessly (implied), chronically (too strong a word, takes attention away from the rest of the sentence) and brightest (is grammatically inconsistent with the rest of your analogy - every student cannot have the brightest light... a bright light would be fine, but isn't every light bright? I don't know, it doesn't live up to some of your other word choices). The last sentence is a little too long. Split it into two.

Then came the tears, which were either a consequence of a digestive system chronically angry at its owner or, equally likely, a product of Stewart recognizing the tiresome, tortuous flickering of his dilapidated soul.

^This is very nice.

You write well but I think you are too aware of how easy your writing comes to you. Although this is "a work in progress", it is very short. It is easy to write the beginning of a story. If you sat down and wrote the amount that Stephen King did during his prime, then you would come up with something fucking awesome. I suspect, however, that you don't - because if you did this extract would be much longer.

It needs to be longer. Don't sit down and write a sentence or a paragraph. Write a page.

I think the black hole bit would be stronger if it was at the end of a much longer scene, if you built up to it a bit rather than just giving it to us. The show-don't-tell rule. Show us the inside of the black hole. Contextualize it metaphorically in your narrative and then spell it out for us - strengthening the significance/impact of the analogy. It is a good place to end a story or a chapter, but as the second paragraph of a story it isn't working as efficiently as it could.

I hope some of that was helpful.

 

[captainballs]

Very helpful. I'm trying to lay the groundwork for a story about alienation in the workplace. What will make my story different and more relevant in a modern way is that the protagonist is going to be involved in the production of a new type of motion sensing screen akin to a 10th generation iPad that doesn't even require a physical screen, just a standalone interface that floats before the consumer. It is dimensionless like a floating projection held discrete by a black box sic fi technology. My ultimate theme will be that this kind of progress, the innovation, etc., will still leave laborers doing the same apathetic manufacturing dance that they do when producing straw hats. In other words, the quality of life improvements associated with technologic progress do a lot of nothing for the majority of people's happiness in a very tangible way.

 

[captainballs]

I want my effort, even if it fails, to be a bluelight project as opposed to a "let's find a publisher and pitch the idea" dance. But I will put myself out there for embarrassment since that's what people named captainballs do.