the air is free so I do whatever I want

Rumor of my demise was greatly exaggerated. I did a month in the phych Ward. It was the hospital. I met a few cool people. I was content there for the most part. They kicked me out eventually though.

I already conned my new phych doc into writing me gabapentin. I'm downing it by the handful because I'm a drug addict. I could of gotten benzos but I don't want to come off them again. Too painful. I'm such a drug addict it's kinda comical. I know exactly what to say and do. It's funny if it wasn't sad. Oh well that's life.

I'm a messy motherfucker. My life is messy. My clothes are messy. I write messy. I'm just messy. I think I like it this way. I'll never change.

I love you guys.

 

I'm a messy motherfucker. My life is messy. My clothes are messy. I write messy. I'm just messy. I think I like it this way. I'll never change.

Take the last three words out of this paragraph (4 if you count the contraction as 2) and I love it. But never assume you know what can and can't change, what will or won't change or how something will stay the same but manifest differently. I like the mess that is me as well. Embracing your messiness, your humanity after all, is powerful but it is most powerful because unlike certainty and dogmatic belief it throws open the door to change.

 

the only problem with being an addict is that instead of having to justify your life to your peers you have to justify it to doctors and psychiatrists and other such gatekeepers you need to interact with damned if you do and damned if you don't, but i guess it's easier feeling damned with drugs than without em

 

That's true thujone. I'm so tired of groups and therapy. Justifying myself to others.

Herby: I guess I just don't want to change

 

Messy is good

What do drugs mean for you mate? Escape? Contentment?

 

Drugs are escape. Drugs are relief. Drugs are fun. Drugs are an intellectual pursuit. Drugs are my life.

I don't ever see myself being done with drugs. I might stop taking drugs but they will somehow be part of my life.

 

I might stop taking drugs but they will somehow be part of my life.

That has to be one of the most interesting things I've read in a long time. What does that even mean??