🌟🌟 Social 🌟🌟 The 2025 Recovery & Social Thread

[Deleted member 587331]

It started with the Dexedrine quick release tablets around 2007 and I have escalated from there, I have a nonstop supply of Dex, Vyvanse, Ritalin and those are really my top 3 I take maybe 2 weeks off a month now and when using im at 120mgs and redosing every 6-8 hours and that can last 2-3 days or even stretch to 4 before I tap out take a seroquel, drink alot of water, eat some food and pass out. I have beaten every other thing like cocaine , booze, molly and tina after doing the steps through CA in 2009 so that to me is huge, I want to redo the steps this year and hopefully soon step 4 really helped me but that feels like a weak accolade considering i continued to secrettly abuse my so called adhd medication, it's caused me a-lot of problems in my relationships over the last few years as i have limed in stimulant psychosis then managed somehow to find a a month or two of clarity and reinvent myself but then boom im back on the crazy train. I'm an old school and well knoiwn hacker whose antics throughout the 90s are well documented and I had a long career in network and sytems administration and security so that's ground zero for how my addiction rolled out it helped me out at first, dex was a brave new world and as a hacker sleep deprivation was my defacto state... and early on with dexedrine I would start seeing out of the corner of my eye as im hacking away at the keyboard at night , a naked indian naked dancing and when I would look it would disappear, later on around day 3 or 4 I'd start noticing wires everywhere in the dark its hard to describe but I never reallly got the shadow people thing I have heard others talking abiout however this is now 14 years later so I don't get any of thatj but it's destroyed my teeth and some of the most actually paranoid hackers I know are now telling people im super paranoid and while that is funny it has kind of given me room to reflect and think I don't wantt o die like this.... i have been diagnosed with neurpathy this year but otherwise my health is 100% acording to all the tests I have but I don't feel well at all. I think I might return to the 'recovery underground' dscord and start attending teh online meetings again I found that helped two years ago and i managed to put 5 months of freedom together however I have little fatih anymore that I even am capable of stopping this is the one thing I can't seem to beat no matter what and why I even keep going back makes 0 sense to me. I'm lying all the time saying to my friends 'im not using fuck off' and that is a sad place to be as integrity means alot to me in theory...

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

After 20 days clean from everything and kicking methadone I relapsed on weed and Valium. I want the opiates I have one oxy 10 mg plug 25 mg tapentadol I’m thinking of dosing ….it makes me wonky but Valium blunts the wi my snri effects of tap.

Also have methadone but don’t want to use that because it stays in the system for like 5 days and basically is like using a short acting opioid for 5 days daily - making rekindling of dependency easier that short actors like oxy and tap.

Maybe a small 2 or 5 methadone dose to mix with the oxy and tap and Valium and weed?

Just wanted to send you a hug amigo

 

[thatmf]

@practicalmagical

Damn. A multi prescription stim addiction is not an easy issue. I think the best thing to do would be to get into counselling or seeing a psychologist if possible. Get down to the root causes of using prescription stims and how to manage taking them. If you've beat Tina before you can beat this

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Just wanted to send you a hug amigo

Thanks.

So after me full blown relapse. I am a mess. I only lasted two days of using. I know have a fever. A horrible cough and lung pain, and rebound anxiety from the single opioid dose.

That “lil bit of weed Saturday night to take off the edge” certainly escalated quickly into hard drugs and blacking out.

I feel physically like it’s quite a set back. I feel like shit all over again when I was finally feeling physically better.

It’s scary, what other result was I expecting? This is what always happens (although I’m surprised at how fast I crashed in).

I’m an addict but I can’t even function or maintain on drugs anymore like I did for so long; the physical consequences are so severe now from even a day or two of use that I am totally useless again now.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Thanks.

So after me full blown relapse. I am a mess. I only lasted two days of using. I know have a fever. A horrible cough and lung pain, and rebound anxiety from the single opioid dose.

That “lil bit of weed Saturday night to take off the edge” certainly escalated quickly into hard drugs and blacking out.

I feel physically like it’s quite a set back. I feel like shit all over again when I was finally feeling physically better.

It’s scary, what other result was I expecting? This is what always happens (although I’m surprised at how fast I crashed in).

I’m an addict but I can’t even function or maintain on drugs anymore like I did for so long; the physical consequences are so severe now from even a day or two of use that I am totally useless again now.

Bro hang in there. You have been an inspiration to me ever I started following your journey. And you did it man. And with that said you can and I know you will get back on thar horse and get going again.

I can only imagine how self disappointed you must feel and that's okay. But you can still do this. I'm rooting for.

Plus you know now without a doubt what one of your triggers are now and stay away from it.

You have came and gotten to far to let just one relapse make it all for nothing. Just part of the getting clean process.

Just don't be to hard on yourself and know we all here to listen or help

 

[LucidSDreamr]

So I’m sick as a dog from smoking weed for two days with already fucked up damaged lungs. Fever of 102.

I took a bunch of diazepam yesterday I was in so much pain and coughing so much, just to sleep through it. I’m worried about getting addicted to it.

Prior to taking it I hadn’t taken any for two weeks and didn’t feel significant withdrawal (I think any bad feeling was PAWS from stopping methadone 25 days ago).


Before I quit methadone I was taking diazepam 2X a week at 15 to 20 mg.

If I take opioids literally one time I have a withdrawal; I guess the point of this post is that I’m worried about becoming dependent on diazepam if I keep taking it while sick.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Thanks.

So after me full blown relapse. I am a mess. I only lasted two days of using. I know have a fever. A horrible cough and lung pain, and rebound anxiety from the single opioid dose.

That “lil bit of weed Saturday night to take off the edge” certainly escalated quickly into hard drugs and blacking out.

I feel physically like it’s quite a set back. I feel like shit all over again when I was finally feeling physically better.

It’s scary, what other result was I expecting? This is what always happens (although I’m surprised at how fast I crashed in).

I’m an addict but I can’t even function or maintain on drugs anymore like I did for so long; the physical consequences are so severe now from even a day or two of use that I am totally useless again now.

Hey I meant to write back to you writing this … I was just dealing with doctors and then freaking out a little bit about this dentist appointment (long story). Anyways I just wanted you to know I read your post and care … a lot of us do here. I’m glad you reach out here and gosh you really are not alone in what you say and go through … but man I wish I could make all of our stuff better (or have a magic wand to make it go away).

You’ve been doing great, this stuff is hard. Please know that me saying you were doing great is in no way to make you feel bad for having a slip. I mean all around (including slipping) … doing great … your trying, your intentions, your honesty, your sharing, all of it.

I’ve been kind of all over the place in my recovery lately to be honest … the only thing I for sure haven’t done is drink alcohol or done cocaine in 7 years. Everything else … well heck, I’m doing a one moment at a time kind of thing (between, chronic pain, PTSD, and not wanting to slap some doctors or freak out in general). I’m sorry, I hope anything I say helps or at least doesn’t sound too insane! lol

Guess just wanted you to know you have support and people that read your posts (and rooting for you). The fact that you are trying is awesome and I’m going to keep trying too. You’re not alone friend.

Big hugs to you and a paw bump from my kitty Baby right here

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Hey I meant to write back to you writing this … I was just dealing with doctors and then freaking out a little bit about this dentist appointment (long story). Anyways I just wanted you to know I read your post and care … a lot of us do here. I’m glad you reach out here and gosh you really are not alone in what you say and go through … but man I wish I could make all of our stuff better (or have a magic wand to make it go away).

You’ve been doing great, this stuff is hard. Please know that me saying you were doing great is in no way to make you feel bad for having a slip. I mean all around (including slipping) … doing great … your trying, your intentions, your honesty, your sharing, all of it.

I’ve been kind of all over the place in my recovery lately to be honest … the only thing I for sure haven’t done is drink alcohol or done cocaine in 7 years. Everything else … well heck, I’m doing a one moment at a time kind of thing (between, chronic pain, PTSD, and not wanting to slap some doctors or freak out in general). I’m sorry, I hope anything I say helps or at least doesn’t sound too insane! lol

Guess just wanted you to know you have support and people that read your posts (and rooting for you). The fact that you are trying is awesome and I’m going to keep trying too. You’re not alone friend.

Big hugs to you and a paw bump from my kitty Baby right here

Thanks for the kind words. I’m sorry you’re suffering also. This is such a cold dog eat dog world and I feel like ppl like us aren’t meant for it. But it’s good to know that there is compassion out there, unfortunately that compassion only seems to come from one’s personal suffering in order to fully understand what the other person is going through. Life is too easy for many ppl especially in America; they don’t get it.

And I have a kitty too ! I love him so much.

 

[Ds]

Well today I go see the Suboxone doctor . A little nervous because I have to get refills on my prescriptions and here this week I've had shit luck with doctor's. Yesterday I saw a nurse practitioner about my leg(i damaged the nerves from using a hella ton of nitrous), anyways, the nurse practitioner didn't know that, and when I asked something for the pain that the shit they gave me before wasn't working she treated me like a fucking convict, and i told her that I don't want anything narcotic and she said she could only give me more of this other shit that didn't work. I even mentioned that it doesn't have to br narcotic or anything and she just treated me with complete shit care. She said they'd get me into see a orthopedic doctor and that was that, didn't tell me anything i could do OTC like if a cold/hot compress would help or soak it or nothing, just said 'someone will get in contact with you' and that was the only 'treatment' that i had received.
So i had filed a grievance on her and the clinic for not treating me with care and how i left there in pain and how they were unprofessional to me. (Even how this was my primary care family doctor and they weren't so family like to me).
Stupid bitch.

Anyways, so today I see the Suboxone doctor and I'm almost out of all of my mental health medications and the folks before said that the doctor would probably write me a refill. I just hope they don't try removing me from medications. I fucking can't stand that shit that 'oh i don't think you need this or that, seems like to much', and If they do then I'm just going to tell them that no, I actually need that shit because it helps with my anxiety/depression, and I'm not leaving here without it. Don't mean to be a dick but alabama is a fucking joke when it comes to receiving health care.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Well today I go see the Suboxone doctor . A little nervous because I have to get refills on my prescriptions and here this week I've had shit luck with doctor's. Yesterday I saw a nurse practitioner about my leg(i damaged the nerves from using a hella ton of nitrous), anyways, the nurse practitioner didn't know that, and when I asked something for the pain that the shit they gave me before wasn't working she treated me like a fucking convict, and i told her that I don't want anything narcotic and she said she could only give me more of this other shit that didn't work. I even mentioned that it doesn't have to br narcotic or anything and she just treated me with complete shit care. She said they'd get me into see a orthopedic doctor and that was that, didn't tell me anything i could do OTC like if a cold/hot compress would help or soak it or nothing, just said 'someone will get in contact with you' and that was the only 'treatment' that i had received.
So i had filed a grievance on her and the clinic for not treating me with care and how i left there in pain and how they were unprofessional to me. (Even how this was my primary care family doctor and they weren't so family like to me).
Stupid bitch.

Anyways, so today I see the Suboxone doctor and I'm almost out of all of my mental health medications and the folks before said that the doctor would probably write me a refill. I just hope they don't try removing me from medications. I fucking can't stand that shit that 'oh i don't think you need this or that, seems like to much', and If they do then I'm just going to tell them that no, I actually need that shit because it helps with my anxiety/depression, and I'm not leaving here without it. Don't mean to be a dick but alabama is a fucking joke when it comes to receiving health care.

Alabama is a third world hellhole in the US. I am so sorry you are stuck there. Everyone hates their lives, especially doctors. I have a best friend that was from one of the biggest cities, lived in Miami, LA and other such places. When he finally got his job after medical residency rural Tennessee was the only position he could land. He hates everything about it. He hates the patients, he hates that they hate doctors, he hates their ignorance, he has become extremely jaded and cold and he credits it to the people he’s surrounded with on a daily basis including coworkers and patients.

The south is a cancer.

Back to your shitty doctor, most of them are. They don’t give a fuck. But man, there are some real ones out there. My current doctor just called me this morning because I have a high fever and he wanted to check up on me. He calls me personally to give me test results. I don’t need appointments with him if it’s something he can get discuss and treat over the phone. He will prescribe me ANYTHING. I have a combo opioid and benzo script from him; never been drug tested; don’t have to go to visits and get billed; he leaves the script at the counter.

He returns my calls within less than an hour if something his going wrong.

He’s seen me crying in his exam room after discharging myself from the useless ER in the worst pain of my life and didn’t hesitate to prescribe me a large bottle of 8 mg dilaided.

The man genuinely cares about his patients more than policy or the fucking dea. He is 80 years old. He could be retired and has tons of money. He has no kids. He’s still doing this because he gets purpose out of helping peolpe.

These are rare doctor but they do exist.

 

[Jnowhere]

Well today I go see the Suboxone doctor . A little nervous because I have to get refills on my prescriptions and here this week I've had shit luck with doctor's. Yesterday I saw a nurse practitioner about my leg(i damaged the nerves from using a hella ton of nitrous), anyways, the nurse practitioner didn't know that, and when I asked something for the pain that the shit they gave me before wasn't working she treated me like a fucking convict, and i told her that I don't want anything narcotic and she said she could only give me more of this other shit that didn't work. I even mentioned that it doesn't have to br narcotic or anything and she just treated me with complete shit care. She said they'd get me into see a orthopedic doctor and that was that, didn't tell me anything i could do OTC like if a cold/hot compress would help or soak it or nothing, just said 'someone will get in contact with you' and that was the only 'treatment' that i had received.
So i had filed a grievance on her and the clinic for not treating me with care and how i left there in pain and how they were unprofessional to me. (Even how this was my primary care family doctor and they weren't so family like to me).
Stupid bitch.

Anyways, so today I see the Suboxone doctor and I'm almost out of all of my mental health medications and the folks before said that the doctor would probably write me a refill. I just hope they don't try removing me from medications. I fucking can't stand that shit that 'oh i don't think you need this or that, seems like to much', and If they do then I'm just going to tell them that no, I actually need that shit because it helps with my anxiety/depression, and I'm not leaving here without it. Don't mean to be a dick but alabama is a fucking joke when it comes to receiving health care.

Alabama is a joke in general. How about neurontin( gabapentin for the legs version that diabetics take).
Also fucking up your mental health drugs could be grounds for a law suit.
If it is a low amount $25, 000 or so they might just settle and their insurance company knows it will cost more to fight it. Or go with a bigger lawsuit if it really messes you up.

 

[Jnowhere]

Well today I go see the Suboxone doctor . A little nervous because I have to get refills on my prescriptions and here this week I've had shit luck with doctor's. Yesterday I saw a nurse practitioner about my leg(i damaged the nerves from using a hella ton of nitrous), anyways, the nurse practitioner didn't know that, and when I asked something for the pain that the shit they gave me before wasn't working she treated me like a fucking convict, and i told her that I don't want anything narcotic and she said she could only give me more of this other shit that didn't work. I even mentioned that it doesn't have to br narcotic or anything and she just treated me with complete shit care. She said they'd get me into see a orthopedic doctor and that was that, didn't tell me anything i could do OTC like if a cold/hot compress would help or soak it or nothing, just said 'someone will get in contact with you' and that was the only 'treatment' that i had received.
So i had filed a grievance on her and the clinic for not treating me with care and how i left there in pain and how they were unprofessional to me. (Even how this was my primary care family doctor and they weren't so family like to me).
Stupid bitch.

Anyways, so today I see the Suboxone doctor and I'm almost out of all of my mental health medications and the folks before said that the doctor would probably write me a refill. I just hope they don't try removing me from medications. I fucking can't stand that shit that 'oh i don't think you need this or that, seems like to much', and If they do then I'm just going to tell them that no, I actually need that shit because it helps with my anxiety/depression, and I'm not leaving here without it. Don't mean to be a dick but alabama is a fucking joke when it comes to receiving health care.

I forgot to say good luck with your recovery and I hope and pray that you can get your needed meds and that the things you can't control; go well along with your recovery. The south isn't a cancer but certain states like Alabama just suck. California is like ebola; watch videos of all the homeless addicts. Especially in the Bay area it is literally a toilet( you can shit in public legally, as in you can just take a dump on the sidewalk legally). Wow now that is so progressive, a city that smells like piss and shit. Anyways good luck.

 

[Ds]

Thanks y'all and yeah i believe that there are good doctors out there too. For some reason I just get shit doctor's. I've had some that prescribed me a non narcotic cough medicine for when I had the flu and it sucked so fucking bad I called them and told them that shit sucked and didn't work so they sent some with codeine in to the pharmacy and that shit actually helped. Like i understand the opiate epidemic and everything but like they would rather see people suffer then have to help them. Like they don't go by the doctor's creed here.
My appointment went well, i actually saw the nurse practitioner but she was cool, and actually treated me like a human being. Maybe because she's always worked in the mental health and substance abuse field. Anyways she refilled all of my medication which was great, and when i went to go pick my refills up the fuckin Suboxone cost $188 for 1 weeks worth! So after going back and forth with the pharmacy, they told me that there wasnt anything they could do. So i called my doctor office back and told them that I couldn't afford that medication and they asked if the pharmacy offered a PA or something that would help with my medicine cost and I said no, so my doctor office ended up helping, and said that the PA went through and to give it 24 hours, so I just hope that's will reduce the cost of my suboxone. Because I could have sworn that my insurance has like $20 copay for certain meds, nothing like that!
I was only to fill my gabapentin, they said everything else wasn't ready yet or something, so I just opted to get it instead. It's extremely helpful for my leg pain, and it's pretty fucking crazy how I can get that prescribed off brand for anxiety rather then what it's actually prescribed for (nerve pain/shingles).
Sorry fucking doctor's. Atleast I feel some better now than before and luckily I have enough Suboxone left from my last prescription to tough it out for awhile.

 

[Jnowhere]

Thanks y'all and yeah i believe that there are good doctors out there too. For some reason I just get shit doctor's. I've had some that prescribed me a non narcotic cough medicine for when I had the flu and it sucked so fucking bad I called them and told them that shit sucked and didn't work so they sent some with codeine in to the pharmacy and that shit actually helped. Like i understand the opiate epidemic and everything but like they would rather see people suffer then have to help them. Like they don't go by the doctor's creed here.
My appointment went well, i actually saw the nurse practitioner but she was cool, and actually treated me like a human being. Maybe because she's always worked in the mental health and substance abuse field. Anyways she refilled all of my medication which was great, and when i went to go pick my refills up the fuckin Suboxone cost $188 for 1 weeks worth! So after going back and forth with the pharmacy, they told me that there wasnt anything they could do. So i called my doctor office back and told them that I couldn't afford that medication and they asked if the pharmacy offered a PA or something that would help with my medicine cost and I said no, so my doctor office ended up helping, and said that the PA went through and to give it 24 hours, so I just hope that's will reduce the cost of my suboxone. Because I could have sworn that my insurance has like $20 copay for certain meds, nothing like that!
I was only to fill my gabapentin, they said everything else wasn't ready yet or something, so I just opted to get it instead. It's extremely helpful for my leg pain, and it's pretty fucking crazy how I can get that prescribed off brand for anxiety rather then what it's actually prescribed for (nerve pain/shingles).
Sorry fucking doctor's. Atleast I feel some better now than before and luckily I have enough Suboxone left from my last prescription to tough it out for awhile.

What the hell that is almost $27 dollars a day. What are they substituting the suboxone for opiods but charging so much that you feel like your still using as you try to get the money for it? It probably costs the company that makes it less than a dollar to make. Xanax cost 4 cents a pill to make.

 

[Ds]

What the hell that is almost $27 dollars a day. What are they substituting the suboxone for opiods but charging so much that you feel like your still using as you try to get the money for it? It probably costs the company that makes it less than a dollar to make. Xanax cost 4 cents a pill to make.

I think that the pharmacy is trying to fuck me. The side of town where the pharmacy is probably never see's anyone get prescribed suboxone so they think they can fuck the drug seeker addict anyway that they can. They just don't want to help people now. To bad mom and pop pharmacies don't exist anymore. It's now all walgreens, cvs or wallmart.

 

[Jnowhere]

I think that the pharmacy is trying to fuck me. The side of town where the pharmacy is probably never see's anyone get prescribed suboxone so they think they can fuck the drug seeker addict anyway that they can. They just don't want to help people now. To bad mom and pop pharmacies don't exist anymore. It's now all walgreens, cvs or wallmart.

Walgreens is a rip off and none of The CVS's around here( metro Detroit, near where I live) don't carry oxycodone, and no I don't use much or abuse them. You are probably right they don't want addict's probably because they think they will shop lift or something.

Alcohol was my big issue, until I begged God for help and 1-3 days later I was allergic and I hate alcohol now. Couldn't get a cold ice beer down and kept puking and when I did my body itched like crazy all over. A bunch of benadryl
didn't help. When I tried again the next day I took a bunch of Benadryl and hour before, same thing. Made me so miserable I hate alcohol now and over a year half, not even tempted, I hate it thank you ALMIGHTY GOD.

 

[Ds]

Walgreens is a rip off and none of The CVS's around here( metro Detroit, near where I live) don't carry oxycodone, and no I don't use much or abuse them. You are probably right they don't want addict's probably because they think they will shop lift or something.

Alcohol was my big issue, until I begged God for help and 1-3 days later I was allergic and I hate alcohol now. Couldn't get a cold ice beer down and kept puking and when I did my body itched like crazy all over. A bunch of benadryl
didn't help. When I tried again the next day I took a bunch of Benadryl and hour before, same thing. Made me so miserable I hate alcohol now and over a year half, not even tempted, I hate it thank you ALMIGHTY GOD.

Yeah I agree with Walgreens being a rip off. They usually get me in the doors because I really, really like their airhead softfilled candies, but they only keep 1 or 2 on the shelves. I usually buy all they have, and sadly i'll stop at a Walgreens if i'm going somewhere, and if I have time to buy what they have too. fuck, i probably would be better off if I just buy a case of them on Amazon or something honestly lol.
I'm glad that you were able come to terms with Alcohol. God really made that shit poisonous for you. People don't realize how bad that shit is. & how the alcohol companies market for alcoholics because that's where they make the most money.

There was a time where I was drinking hand sanitizer. I was homeless around this time and I would just chill in a bathroom that had a hand sanitizer hand machine on the wall. The shitty thing though it was the foamy kind. So I would sit there move my styofoam coffee cup thing underneath it again and again and again. Then i'd like tap my forhead and dab the foam and it would start to liquidate. I did this for hours at a time and would get all the hand sanitizer. Sooner or later it turned into a liquid and I was able to drink it. I ended up getting sick, and like the following morning I had the shakes real bad and I tried drinking a ice cold nattydaddy and I would puke. It was awful because all I wanted to do was drink the beer but every sip and every gulp i'd throw up, all the way beyond the yellow shit. So I checked myself into detox and later into a 6-9 month program. Staid sober for a while but ended up discovering tor and found out i could buy shit online. and got worst lmao.
That was like between 2016 & 2021ish

This last relapse was pretty bad man. I just drank and drank and drank. Found my parents liquor cabinet and drank all of their liquor up, it got pretty messy and when they found me curled in a ball they were pretty upset, and the following day they drove me to the hospital to detox 11/1. That is my clean date. I've not had a drink or drug since that date. Really 10/31 is my clean date but 11/1 is when I got help.

 

[Jnowhere]

Drinking was probably the worst mistake I ever made and it literally was the cause of every problem I had in my adult life. But it was my own fault. No one put a gun to my head. My problems came because I loved drinking and I had problems from almost the same day I really started.
Not into illegal drugs but alcohol can be a huge nightmare. Strangely enough I could quit but I would run to the bottle due to immaturity and other issues. Couldn't deal with stuff and hid in a bottle so to speak. Should have been stronger.

But that is hopefully done with.

 

[lolis my thesis]

I was charged up to 500/month for Pfizer lyrica; having insurance usually cut it to 300 or so..
Then somehow Pfizer got a extension on their patent so generics never showed up
Gabapentin I always threw out; didn't think it worked. Ended up spending 30k on Lyrica alone
Lyrica was like magic. Finally generics came out in 2019 or so and it was 15 bux.
Then Pfizer bought out the generic supplier which kept the money grab going.
Now I get Oregon Medicaid so 0 dollar meds including the pregabalin...
kinda bankrupt and corrupted by my treatment by medical "professionals"

 

[lolis my thesis]

Im also having a good doctor who is gonna have to retire soon.
Im also wondering if you were considering a depot shot or something of subblockade
Seems you went Lucidlydown to 1mg on methadone; tapering was torture and being off was also shitty.
I always thought if your tolerance was low enough you could take a dose and it would ease things, not make them worse!
Im addicted to benzos feel kindling whenever withdrawal hits sounds like methadone may be similar.
I tell my son; don't get addicted to benzos man whatever you do. Just look at your old man.
Thinking brain may be perma fried from benzos; fucking with the dose, endless attempt at tapering, etc