dopamimetic
Bluelighter
So, now two days ago it hit me again. Hit me harder than I believed it could ever happen again (kinda like the NMDAs 'lost their magic' over time, by using them too much, not necessarily traditional tolerance as I did not have to up dosages at most of the time) and with that unbelievable fluid, crystal clear and absolute realistic softness this kind of effect tends to bring with it.
The story (try to make it short) is: I was desperate, more and more over time. My old emotional outbursts were getting over again a bit, although I was taking memantine (30mg/d currently, 40-50 or even 60mg/d were more effective but not affordable) against them which worked, well, the least worst of all the ones I've tried for it. Then I was tapering down on venlafaxine, struggling to take the final cut and staying on somewhat like 12,5 mg/d. Last but not least I unfortunately have a constant need for something to sleep, the last few years I've used clonidine 150 mcg for this purpose, but as panic attacks and fear got worse, I began taking it over the day, loosing its efficacy for inducing sleep and of course, the boxes were empty before the end of the scripts period. So I had to go off it for two weeks and sleep with OTC doxylamine.
Then I got took out at the border by customs without reason, being hold for more than 4 hours and treated, as you can think, not that so well. Ironically this was when I was on the way to get my new box of clonidine (I have a girlfriend living near the border of the next country, so have to cross border often). So, no clonidine. Sympathetic tone was high, too high. In that night I did two stupid dosages of diphenidine, eyeballed so I don't know how much it was. Enough to be amnesic. Also I seem to have stopped my medicine intake by this day.
Two days after I had panic attack like never before, feelings of anger and desperation, and so on. Girlfriend saw no more way out and brought me to the local mental hospital where I stayed for two days.
Now - when I got out, still feeling desperate and panically, well I think mostly they were happy to get rid of me.. Got little sleep, unusual for me in the last years, but well.. just wanted to get those panic feelings away. Took my memantine again, two days' doses at once to compensate for the lost ones as the substance with its 72h half life builds up in the body (also feared of rebound excitotoxicity after having taken an glutamate antagonist for several years chronically), and all the other little helpers I could get my hands on (some phenibut, pyrazolam, gabapentin etc. but don't think that contributed much at all as they administered me huge doses of lorazepam - about 8mg per day - in the hospital and I still could not sleep). After the mem. started its work, I began to notice unusual signs - dry mouth, some loss of coordination - no vertigo, just trembling around a bit.. did not assign that to anything concretely at that time. Then my mood lifted, like a dark deep shadow was gradually removed.
The second half of yesterday I was feeling just great. Sociability began to increase, I felt quite stimulated - in a very very natural way, unlike that of amphetamines, very smooth smart clear-headed thoughts, positive over-all feelings ... Noticed I finally did not need that damn venlafaxine any more, no brain zaps at all. Indeed, the overall feeling reminded me much of the old teenage days where the SSRIs were new to my body and tend to work.. and also had to thought of some day two after a heavy DXM afterglow, the state when the intoxicated feeling finally completely has gone away and leaves that crisp mood behind- something that also stopped working over time.
Now it's day two of this "depression reset". Got little sleep again, waked up early - but today, very refreshed also, had vivid and nice dreams (something that the -phenidines have brought many times in the past, but usually only directly after the trip and not more than four days after). Usually I would wake up around 10 or 11 a.m. and still feeling tired, usually taking a bit of some random stimulant of choice (like 2-FMA, for example). Now it's 8 a.m. and I am awake for more than an hour. Writing in english, foreign language for me, flows faster and more easily than ever since my great days before I turned twenty.. I feel a somewhat "reasonless" euphoria-like positive fore looking to the day, without having anything concrete that I could attribute that to (and even with something, I would not have felt it in the past.).
Just wish I could press "save" and load this feeling over again on each morning. What would this be for a wonderful live.
Also, yesterday someone told me I had somewhat enlarged pupils. When I looked into the mirror, I did not notice anything too much anormal, but I've also consumed opioids - tiny dosages but nevertheless enough to constrict pupils - the past times. Getting off them was never a problem cause of the Memantine, but what I'm really amazed, next to that depressive reboot break happening again and for an exciting long time- is that it kicked the SSRI too..
So, cause of the pupil reaction and also the distinct feelings I've got especially yesterday evening when I began to feel tired, I had to thought heavily of something serotonergic going on. The first wouldn't be too special as memantine is a direct dopamine D2 partial agonist and NMDA antagonism is also thought (imo) to cause increased dopaminergic neurotransmission. But as I have been taking this medicine for a long time now and never felt these effects like this by far, and four days are -imo- way too less for any tolerance to recovery as there had to be even residual plasma levels of memantine.. it has to be a direct action of the substance. Or mediated by the previous diphenidine intake. Or both.
So, now - any opinions? If this could really be mediated by the diphenidine, then I would REALLY have to look again into ketamine antidepressant therapy. Maybe I just did not find the right dosage or regimen in the past, and/or MXE does not work well for this effect, maybe due to its SERT affinity. Have tried both, but as ketamine was much more hard to get for me (well, not really hard since we have TOR nowadays, but ...) I just had some affinity to (ab)using MXE.
And: could it be that high-dose acute memantine (or any NMDA antagonist) causes this kind of mood enhancement while chronic dosing causes mood numbing? Somehow I can't really believe this, but much in pharmacology is gray matter..especially for the layman..
Thanks for your response.. and for reading up to here.
--
Edit: Maybe seems very much like a kind of hypo-manic state to me. But there are really, really -no- negatives as far as I see, I am mentally much clearer than I would be on a regular sober day, able to feel the full range of emotions with a subjective, yet robust "positivity" as in that I can think about things that would have brought busts of anger or shame about me now in a very calm way.
Nevertheless, that kicked-me-off-the-drugs (and took any and every single craving with it!) thing and the whole state of mind is just awesome. Listening to music causes euphoric shivers whose existence I've forgotten for several years ... the sun out there is so bright and colorful.. and it's still soo absolutely naturally feeling. The only other thing (well, drug), next to the mentioned early-age DXM after-afterglow that comes to my mind thinking about this is ... 4,4'-Dimethylaminorex. But this one has a solid light-headed but synthetic feeling to it, and of course a bunch of other side effects (albeit less than an amphetamine stim when compared in effects vs side effects, imo).
The story (try to make it short) is: I was desperate, more and more over time. My old emotional outbursts were getting over again a bit, although I was taking memantine (30mg/d currently, 40-50 or even 60mg/d were more effective but not affordable) against them which worked, well, the least worst of all the ones I've tried for it. Then I was tapering down on venlafaxine, struggling to take the final cut and staying on somewhat like 12,5 mg/d. Last but not least I unfortunately have a constant need for something to sleep, the last few years I've used clonidine 150 mcg for this purpose, but as panic attacks and fear got worse, I began taking it over the day, loosing its efficacy for inducing sleep and of course, the boxes were empty before the end of the scripts period. So I had to go off it for two weeks and sleep with OTC doxylamine.
Then I got took out at the border by customs without reason, being hold for more than 4 hours and treated, as you can think, not that so well. Ironically this was when I was on the way to get my new box of clonidine (I have a girlfriend living near the border of the next country, so have to cross border often). So, no clonidine. Sympathetic tone was high, too high. In that night I did two stupid dosages of diphenidine, eyeballed so I don't know how much it was. Enough to be amnesic. Also I seem to have stopped my medicine intake by this day.
Two days after I had panic attack like never before, feelings of anger and desperation, and so on. Girlfriend saw no more way out and brought me to the local mental hospital where I stayed for two days.
Now - when I got out, still feeling desperate and panically, well I think mostly they were happy to get rid of me.. Got little sleep, unusual for me in the last years, but well.. just wanted to get those panic feelings away. Took my memantine again, two days' doses at once to compensate for the lost ones as the substance with its 72h half life builds up in the body (also feared of rebound excitotoxicity after having taken an glutamate antagonist for several years chronically), and all the other little helpers I could get my hands on (some phenibut, pyrazolam, gabapentin etc. but don't think that contributed much at all as they administered me huge doses of lorazepam - about 8mg per day - in the hospital and I still could not sleep). After the mem. started its work, I began to notice unusual signs - dry mouth, some loss of coordination - no vertigo, just trembling around a bit.. did not assign that to anything concretely at that time. Then my mood lifted, like a dark deep shadow was gradually removed.
The second half of yesterday I was feeling just great. Sociability began to increase, I felt quite stimulated - in a very very natural way, unlike that of amphetamines, very smooth smart clear-headed thoughts, positive over-all feelings ... Noticed I finally did not need that damn venlafaxine any more, no brain zaps at all. Indeed, the overall feeling reminded me much of the old teenage days where the SSRIs were new to my body and tend to work.. and also had to thought of some day two after a heavy DXM afterglow, the state when the intoxicated feeling finally completely has gone away and leaves that crisp mood behind- something that also stopped working over time.
Now it's day two of this "depression reset". Got little sleep again, waked up early - but today, very refreshed also, had vivid and nice dreams (something that the -phenidines have brought many times in the past, but usually only directly after the trip and not more than four days after). Usually I would wake up around 10 or 11 a.m. and still feeling tired, usually taking a bit of some random stimulant of choice (like 2-FMA, for example). Now it's 8 a.m. and I am awake for more than an hour. Writing in english, foreign language for me, flows faster and more easily than ever since my great days before I turned twenty.. I feel a somewhat "reasonless" euphoria-like positive fore looking to the day, without having anything concrete that I could attribute that to (and even with something, I would not have felt it in the past.).
Just wish I could press "save" and load this feeling over again on each morning. What would this be for a wonderful live.
Also, yesterday someone told me I had somewhat enlarged pupils. When I looked into the mirror, I did not notice anything too much anormal, but I've also consumed opioids - tiny dosages but nevertheless enough to constrict pupils - the past times. Getting off them was never a problem cause of the Memantine, but what I'm really amazed, next to that depressive reboot break happening again and for an exciting long time- is that it kicked the SSRI too..
So, cause of the pupil reaction and also the distinct feelings I've got especially yesterday evening when I began to feel tired, I had to thought heavily of something serotonergic going on. The first wouldn't be too special as memantine is a direct dopamine D2 partial agonist and NMDA antagonism is also thought (imo) to cause increased dopaminergic neurotransmission. But as I have been taking this medicine for a long time now and never felt these effects like this by far, and four days are -imo- way too less for any tolerance to recovery as there had to be even residual plasma levels of memantine.. it has to be a direct action of the substance. Or mediated by the previous diphenidine intake. Or both.
So, now - any opinions? If this could really be mediated by the diphenidine, then I would REALLY have to look again into ketamine antidepressant therapy. Maybe I just did not find the right dosage or regimen in the past, and/or MXE does not work well for this effect, maybe due to its SERT affinity. Have tried both, but as ketamine was much more hard to get for me (well, not really hard since we have TOR nowadays, but ...) I just had some affinity to (ab)using MXE.
And: could it be that high-dose acute memantine (or any NMDA antagonist) causes this kind of mood enhancement while chronic dosing causes mood numbing? Somehow I can't really believe this, but much in pharmacology is gray matter..especially for the layman..
Thanks for your response.. and for reading up to here.
--
Edit: Maybe seems very much like a kind of hypo-manic state to me. But there are really, really -no- negatives as far as I see, I am mentally much clearer than I would be on a regular sober day, able to feel the full range of emotions with a subjective, yet robust "positivity" as in that I can think about things that would have brought busts of anger or shame about me now in a very calm way.
Nevertheless, that kicked-me-off-the-drugs (and took any and every single craving with it!) thing and the whole state of mind is just awesome. Listening to music causes euphoric shivers whose existence I've forgotten for several years ... the sun out there is so bright and colorful.. and it's still soo absolutely naturally feeling. The only other thing (well, drug), next to the mentioned early-age DXM after-afterglow that comes to my mind thinking about this is ... 4,4'-Dimethylaminorex. But this one has a solid light-headed but synthetic feeling to it, and of course a bunch of other side effects (albeit less than an amphetamine stim when compared in effects vs side effects, imo).
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