support please 4 partner of rehabilitating ex-heroin user

[starEkstasis]

hi, i really think i need 2 ask 4 some advice from those who have either been thru full heroin rehab to being "cured and healthy" yourselves - and perhaps any non-using partners who have accompanied their rehabilitating partners on this journey...

i have tried 2 just be his partner and stupidly thought he was cured when he started on subutex a year and a half ago. he is even managing to work now, for himself which suits his get up and go kinda personality.
other times he just seems to retreat into a black cave and scowls at me for no reason.
i think self-esteem must really suffer when you use heroin, esp for a long time, and his childhood was difficult and painful, parent-wise in some ways.

i am just waiting for him to be "normal" and a healthy loving sharing giving partner.. & i am annoyed and disappointed that we seem to turn a corner then he is back in his cave for no reason i can see. and i feel like we shud separate wen it's the last thing i really want and we are good and strong for each other. also he helps me loads too. he understands me and my childhood-stemming issues far better than I or anyone else do.
i realise now, which is why i have come to you for the truth! that i just misunderstand him and his situation which you will all fully understand.

understand that i don't use anything at all and never have - just shared the odd toke on a joint but only a few times and not bothered. there's other things that light me more like sunshine! i'm just strangely intrigued by drug use but more coz i want 2 understand what's going on and why this is so prevalent and needed in the world right now kinda way. but heroin was my only drug interest from a young age coz i knew heroin users had the real problem gettin off it plus it's linked with heavy rock music which was my love too from a young age. and i've always got on with bikers and rockers and bin one. but i wud neva have touched the stuff and didn't get exposed to it.

we've been together formally since 1 april 2008, lived together without a night apart despite arguments since 8 jan 2009, thu 2 rented houses together. we've both after illness managed to get back into full time work for 3 months then got made redundant but then started on and off working for ourselves. are not on benefits coz we don't like the control and wud rather make it on our own. had a great holiday in devon for a week in may this year - our first real holiday. his brother has completed got off heroin and even tobacco earlier this year after therapy prison. and my partner really gets on well with his bro. and me too. so i think there is HOPE! and i believe we're certainly in love. he must be frustrated too thinking i want him to be perfect, already, or at any time. I think he keeps his inner journey which must be hard - to himself so thats why i don't know he is going thru whatever he is going thru.
his drug tests have all been clean, even a random police one and i am confident he hasn't used heroin in the last year and half tho i have tackled him about it and he knows i won't put up with it anymore as he has stolen from me in the past when he was using. he doesn't use anything else, odd weed smoke now and then. we are engaged tho can't afford the ring yet - i put a tenner on to hold it til he can afford it for me. cheers for any useful advice.

 

[Help me please]

Hi Star. I have no experience with what you are going through but with any relationship and issues I suppose you just have to be patient. Well, maybe H addiction is more like an illness and should be treated the same way. I mean if your partner were sick with cancer what would you do? Funny because I don't have a lot of support from my own family and I am tapering off doctor prescribed opiates for pain. If you love this guy stand by him. Maybe ask what he needs from you to help him. Don't judge because that isn't what he will want to hear. Just help him get through it all and then enjoy your life together knowing that you and he overcame all the bad because you were in love.

 

[starEkstasis]

hi hemp
i have felt love from bluelight since i posted so thats really lovely. jus what i needed. u r right - i have been wrongly thinking he is cured off opiates coz he is on subutex but still quite a high dose about 12 or 14 mg a day. and ur right its patience and understanding that he has been very ill since eva he started doing drugs and he has done everything a lot he says. it was his life. drug wench said that he had a long hard journey, around jan 2009 and that kinda warning for me, or subtle clue, has been jingling round my head last week or so - like she was really also helping me by saying it will be hard for me too - coz it will take him a long time and it will be hard. I do love him - he is the one. and we have fought to stay together on and off since we met in 2004 until we bumped into each other again in 2008 and got together properly and he has always been the one to ask me. I will stand by him. I just needed to understand what he is going through is just normal. I wasn't getting that at all. i thought he was being a bad partner and difficult. I was just not understanding his situation. He is strong as an ox physically so he hides a lot of wot is happening to him. but he does show me, if anyone, the truth when he has to. Thanks so much 4 ur lovely reply & I wish you luck and joy in the future and for your tapering off. I know when I finally tapered off anti-depressants it was a big joy and I felt free. Star

 

[Help me please]

Thank you Star. Talking things out without making the other person feel belittled is always best. You need to have the info he gives you to figure out how to help him. It may be that just being there and loving him is all he needs right now.

 

[starEkstasis]

Things are already better. I am standing up for myself better which I needed to do to achieve more of a balanced relationship coz he is very strong minded and I tend to acquiesce for a peaceful existence. And coz I know I can make life easier for him in easy ways which don't really bother me. And he must respect me - he wants to so that bit is up to me. I have responsibilities too, I see now. We are currently working hard to scrape together enough money for the bank holiday weekend - to get thru - and we always work well together and get on when we've got a combined focus and do it together. And I think a bit more space for each of us would be good. Having no spare money tend to keep you hemmed in together wondering what to do for entertainment... and food. But hopefully things will improve there soon. Cheers for your help, Hemp. It's nice 2 talk to someone about it.

 

[carrion Doll]

The mention of his childhood being painful makes me think he may never be the partner you have in your head. The "ideal" loving, giving, sharing man. He may very well suffer from mental illness such as depression or others things that is battling that cause him to retreat. I know you love him very much. But you will have to decide. If this is the way he is going to be, do you want to accept him as is and just try to be there for him, or is it to much for you. I just feel like you are waiting for something that may never come. Alot of long term Heroin users have problems with depression for anxiety for many years. I am sure some never fully recover. Add to that the problems from his childhood and what you are seeing in him now may be the way he is, not just a waiting period for the next phase of his personality to start. I may be completely wrong, as I don't know him, but just something to consider. It's just when you said "i am just waiting for him to be "normal" and a healthy loving sharing giving partner" the thought that jumped in my head was he may never be this person. What if he is already the person he is going to be post recovery?

I think with your history together though, you should just be there for him and love him as you have been. Being with someone like this is supremely difficult (it is this way for me and my husband except I am the drug addict and "difficult one")but if you really love them then you can find ways to help them. And I know you do love him, by what you wrote above. So with some work, I think you can find a comfortable place with him.

 

[starEkstasis]

hi carrion Doll - thanks 4 ur great reply im not ignorin u, iv struggled 2 get on internet. even had stupid argument w cow manageress in mcdonalds so can't use theirs. and they stop access 2 bluelight there. u and hemp have said sum lovely things bout love and love of course iv bin thinkin incls caring and acceptance as we are. things my parents dint do a good job of w me. funny my fella is only 1 eva 2 understand and c that and so he knows wot i need and helps me more than anyone eva has. i was thinkin wrong. bout him and recovery. i was thinkin like a line progressing. a person iv realised grows in a round way. like they swell like a plant with esteem and their natural real character develops. he's bin doin ace in these round, growing ways even tho he doesnt deal w stuff like debts and a bad tooth. sounds crap wot i say now i rite it down. petty. i hope for good for you two, too x star

 

[unsettled]

I've been where you are now, I was in a live in relationship with a longtime recovering heroin addict who had recently switched to subs after relapsing on vicodin.

Since the termination of this relationship I've had my own struggles with opiates, was even on Heroin for a while and I'm now on subs.

I have to say that I can see that a lot of the problems we had in our relationship were partly due to how strong even suboxone can be especially in higher doses. I definitely think you should follow your heart and stay with him and help him if it's what you want to do, just realize that anyone on Subs is still more emotionally numb than than you are (assuming you are sober, or moderately sober). Every situation is different but I remember I used to get frustrated because my girlfriend seemed to be able to just cut herself off from her emotions in a way I couldn't understand at the time. I now realize it was the sub that was doing alot of this since I'm now on it and am more intimately familiar with it's effects.

My only advice is to make sure you really keep the lines of communication open, Subs are definitely a big step in the right direction from Heroin but they still can allow an opiate addict to be more numb to certain relationship issues than you may be. You may find yourself really concerned about some relationship issue and he may not even notice it because the sub has blocked his ability to feel that something is bothering you and obviously this can become difficult.

Just make sure you're looking out for yourself, opiate addicts and addicts in general are pros at blocking out emotions and Sub can definitely block out alot of emotions that he may not even realize he has at the moment.

So be careful, but don't give up if you love him. Just make sure you guys are communicating and both working to keep the relationship working.


The above poster has a lot of good points about being with someone with depression and anxiety issues especially if they stem from childhood and a longtime drug habit. It can be very frustrating. I was dealing with my own anxiety issues when I was in this relationship but it wasn't until it ended that I realized how profoundly her childhood issues combined with her depression/substance abuse issues contributed to the demise of our relationship.

 

[starEkstasis]

thanx unsettled - im really plsed to hear from u too, i've had an unsettled feeling about the high dose of subbies his support worker has put him on. its free here so there's no barrier to prescribing even 32mg. he gets loads of headaches. his bro came off subbies in jail and is stable and happy now so he will be a good influence on my fella and can always guide him. but i'm glad u have said about the emotional numbness i dint realise. he's realised himself a bit i think. i have exploded sometimes which is quite funny as it's a first for me. he knows he is the only one i can truly be myself with and appreciates that. we are beginning to share our feelings more than ever. its a slow but opening kinda process and quite beautiful but not easy. Trust has been a major issue for us both. sometimes our confrontations r the only time we have fully got out wot we're fearful about and its been cleansing. they're rare now but acceptance as Hemp said is so important. to accept him as he is now and things can only get better. I hope you can find peace and acceptance and love with and for yourself. its a huge thing - i'm not being funny! I am only just learning those things for myself and Im not a user of anything and am meant to be teaching others how to be fulfilled in my work.