Support for Family/Friends of Drug Abusers? (UK)

[Calla]

Notice I say ABusers, not users... I do understand the difference!

It's getting a bit much, and I really need to talk to someone. Most people in my life don't know about it, and the few who do are at work today.. I need a phone number or something, because I am really on edge today and can see the crossroads coming up...

Been told last night (I didn't even ask, I didn't give an ultimatum or anything!) that if it was me or the drugs, the drugs would win - because I am (obviously) controlling and want to rule their life, just out to spoil their fun. And they already have a mum, and I can just GTFO of their lives... how can I be SOOOO sanctimonious and holier-than-thou? which is unbearable, after all this person does for me?

If I hear that old chestnut about "society says it's ok so you're fine with alcohol but not with drugs?!" one more time, I'll scream. SO not the point. With alcohol you don't start out mashed, you progress, and it takes time. Yes, I will pour you another glass of wine at 10.30pm on a Monday night, because in an hour or two you will be sleepy and not want any more and go to bed and sleep it off so you can get up for work in the morning. No, I will not let you have "a quick line" at 10.30pm on a Monday night because in an hour or two, you will be high and try to get more, more, more (I know some people can stop themselves, but this one has no off switch) and write off the night and possibly write off work in the morning. And you've missed days and/or parts of days every month for the last 5 months because of that.

I'm not anti-drugs, nor responsible use. Part of the problem is that I don't want to use together anymore. Yeah I like being high, but I suffer too much the next day, and really, if I want to kill a few hours, I can think of other things I'd like to do too that won't have those repercussions. Every few weeks is ok with me. And mutual friends are starting to avoid us because they can't afford to lose whole weekends after a Friday night either.

Sigh. G'ingTFO is starting to look like a good idea.

Edited to Add: Mods, if there is a better place to post this, please move it.. I just figured TDS would have a high population of people who've been through this, or have families who went through it!

 

[Calla]

Anyone? Please? I know there's AL-Anon for families of alcoholics, but I don't know what to do about the drugs. Really I don't. :-(

Btw in case anyone was wondering: I was being sarcastic above, I'm NOT being all sanctimonious and judging and disapproving, how can I be when I do the same myself sometimes? I just hate being put in a position where it's "please mind this for me, hide it from me and only let me have it on occasions, you know I can't help myself" and then taking all the heat for being the strong one later! There's no more vicious attack like the lashing out you receive when someone you love is in the grip of a craving.

I need someone to talk to now, to explain it all to, who can tell me, objectively, whether I'm not just being a sanctimonious smother-mother here... or if I am, to let go a bit. Non-drug using friends tend to go "OMG! Drugs are bad!" and drug-using friends... well, I was going to say they class all non-users in the "Boring and Judgey" category, but actually, they tend to agree with me, but maybe that's cos I'm making it sound worse than it is...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

 

[Crack4Lyfe]

Call the samaratians? I'm sure thats what they are there for..:

 

[Lolie]

I'd look into relationship counselling as that will help you clarify what you want from a relationship and how to set appropriate boundaries within a relationship with someone who's dysfunctional (and your own role in maintaining that dysfunction). It doesn't require the other party's attendance.

As you've acknowledged, you've taken on the role of parenting this person and that's not healthy for either of you. You can't cure someone else's dysfunction, but you can absolutely change your own behaviour within the relationship. The relationship may or may not survive you doing that but at least you won't be making yourself hostage to someone else's dysfunction any more.

Al-anon can be great for just venting, but in my experience a lot of its attendees develop something of a martyr complex. It's great for hugs and validation but it makes no pretense of being able to address the more complex underlying issues of remaining in a dysfunctional relationship and it sounds like you need some objective help in deciding whether coming second to drugs is something you're willing to continue doing.