So after I moved, thoughts of suicide didn't haunt me for several weeks.
Now its the same shit different day, fighting to make ends meet and if it weren't for that, I might still be on the up and up.
Aside from that, chronic health problems continuing and the ongoing complication which also makes me crawl in my skin no matter what
I've thought since I was a kid that there are people who are born to face everything that is given to them and come out on top. But what about the others who fall and succumb to their demons? I think there are a few tortured souls who are born to ultimately die that way, and I have always wondered if I'm one of them.
As far as I can see, I will never have enough money in this lifetime to make my life worth living. To get to the point where I'm not crawling in my skin every moment of every day. I've fought. I've taken more than I ever thought I could bear. I'm stressed to the point of sickness. I drink. I drug. It never goes away. it won't go away without thousands of dollars. I've fucked myself up enough in my lifetime already that I can't erase most of it. I live with this. I can't fix it. I can't just 'accept' the shit I was born with, either. Some people can, and well fucking good for them. But I'm not like that. Understand it or not...oh well.
An oncoming car swerved into my lane today. I didn't flinch. In my head I willed it to please, just fucking keep coming and hit me head on. That way it would be them who swerved into my lane and hit me, and wouldn't look like a suicide on my part. Then the car veered back into its own lane.
Thoughts of suicide again haunt me most of the day. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I die before my mother and she found out, she'd fuck up everything I worked for. She'd ruin the way people thought of me when I'm dead. And I don't know if that's a risk worth taking.
It would figure that as soon as I post this, my cat (who never cuddles) comes over and plops down in my lap and gives me this look like he would cry if it were possible for a cat to cry, and curls up into an adorable ball of fur and goes to sleep.
