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Suicide by Amphetamine

N

Nuada Truthseeker

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 1, 2003
Messages
90
Location
Houston
My heart pounds in my chest. My pulse races. I know... KNOW... that my heart will burst before it slows. My head aches from the rush. The brightest candle burns quickest. I know that I will extinguish myself like this. I ache, all over. I tremble; every muscle in my body is burning energy as fast as it can. I urge it on. This drug, this rush... will kill me. At this point there is no turning back, but still, like a charioteer whipping his horses, I force it not only to continue, but to accellerate. Too much, too fast, and my stomach hurts. My fingers tap to the beat, insanely fast. My teeth chatter, my scalp crawls. I'm sweating profusely, and I am aware of everything, or maybe it's an illusion, an effect of the massive dosage. For a while, I just stand and enjoy the full-body tremors. I listen to the song that I fell in love to. I remember the feeling. To have halted time's advance and never left that moment... That is my heaven. "I love you so much," my last words.
<Open to comments & suggestions>
 
Ah, the intense feelings we subject ourselves to to get just a taste of death and what might lie beyond it...
....pushing sensations to the extreme, setting the mind on overload, riding the sensations we instinctively fear, the perceptions that naturally elicit those horrid feelings of insanity, surrounding every inch of our ordinary existence in the suffocating, full-sensory odor of death so that in the rapidly accelerating blur of intensity we might finally remember how it is to live and have it be the last memory we sink into before we reach the climax of self-inflicted demise...
..."to bleed just to know you're alive," to quote a line I like from a song written by a band that otherwise inspires projectile vomiting...
...to remember the sweet white light of life in all it's wonder as you're catapulted into the bitter darkness, wondering if time can really be halted, reversed; if you really can un-crack an egg and that entropy stuff is just a wad of bullshit...
... but I'm rambling again. I'm getting sick of apologizing for it, though. Anyway: I was never much for actual suicide, but it can help sometimes to entertain death on paper, be it your own death or that of others. Your prose here triggers memories of two questions I used to habitually ask people back in the summer of 98, when things, for the first time in four years, were looking a little brighter and a lot more normal. The first: if you had to freeze-frame any moment in your life and live there forever, what moment would you choose? The other question was: if you had two weeks to live, what would you spend your time doing? Who would you spend it with? Only here, in your illustrated situation, those two weeks are reduced to a few moments... and it's not what you'd do or who you'd be with, but what you'd want to go out remembering... what you'd want to freeze-frame in memory, if only for a moment... the memory and associated soundtrack you'd wish to finalize yourself to.
...and I like the relationship you seem to imply, at least in my eyes, between love and death...
 
the association of love and death is pain. when ones heart is torn asunder the first emmotions are generally emptiness and self-loathing. the reason for this is a lack of understanding. the writer seems to have a desire to end pain, while still holding on to a desire for more expirence. as well as expressing a deep seeded desirer to understand that eternal question (what comes after death). in my experiences with body-alternates i have found a tranqulity in the thought of death and seek its comfort while not its effects. many seek this tranquility but push to hard and meet there end. the search for this tranquilty is dangerous yet seductive and should not be taken lightly
 
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