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Mental Health Suicidal often

C

closeau

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2012
Messages
1,143
Location
Durham, N.C.
Hi. My name is Mike. Quickly i have history of mental illness. I take several meds for it and its really under control well. The one thing it hasnt helped is my suicidal thoughts. I have had 3 attemptd and the last one over a year ago almost worked. They brought me back. I dont have a plan but my life is so shitty right now sometimes i cant take it. My daughter keeps me here even though she lives far away. I live in a hell house with crazy people, financial destruction, and i have an osttomy bag forever. My best friend my mom passed away 4 months ago. Its really too much. I actually go to my shrink and im gonna tell her. Maybe a med dosage adjustment needs to be made. The reason i started this thread is to see if theres anyone out therre like me who cant live or die. I dont tell my drs this cause then its siggestions of the ward and things like that. How do you deal with these thoughts and impulses? Whats some coping techniques yall use? Bc of my daughter if i ever started a plan or come close i would go to ER. But its just thoughts. I hate my shitty life. I survived alcoholism and half dozen surgeries but im so tired. Im so sick of my crap life. Ive been miserable since i was 8. Im tired. Anyway, thats it. Thanks for reading.
 
if you have depression, suicidal thoughts are part of it. I've had suicidal thoughts almost every day for 15 years. sometimes it can be overwhelming, i know. not much you can do really. learn to ignore it or just let them come and don't act on it. Its part of depression and just a symptom. it doesn't bother me as much unless things get really crazy in my head.

i believe it to be a defense mechanism and stems from wanting to end pain. Some days will be better than others but its just a symptom. You probably don't really want to die.

make your life better. put an end to the chaotic parts of your life and move on. Some things we can't make better. Some shit is just plain hard and we have to not dwell bc we can't change them. I've lost things that I can't back...no easy answers. we just have to deal with them and try and use that frustration towards something constructive...like art, music, bettering ourselves, etc.

for some of us, depression and suicidal thoughts aren't going to go away, but we can change the way that we look at it and eventually they become less intrusive.

meds are prob fine. don't up the dose. upping the dose can cause more side effects and can be more dangerous in the long run. sometimes the meds cause the problems in the first place.

keep your head up. theyre just thoughts. don't let them control you. :)
 
All respect to jammin83, you should not try to just live with suicidal thoughts, and a med adjustment may very well be in your best interest. The presence of suicidal thoughts is a clear signal that something is missing from your current treatment, and it needs to be discussed with your doctor. Even if you don't have a plan, don't take that as a encouraging sign - a plan can be formulated very quickly in the wrong moment. And since you have a history of attempts, you should be proactive in trying to eliminate them from your mind. Don't underestimate their power - different coping strategies will be helpful over the long-term, but you can't just think your way out of your current hole. Please consider a hospital stay - I think that a week or so of focused treatment in a hospital would help you tremendously, and would make your regular treatment with your doctor more effective afterward. If you do decide for a hospital stay, your doctor will be able to recommend one with a good behavioral health department.
 
Thank you both very much. Trust me im not underestimating these thoughts. I go see my Dr tomorrow. I live in Durham nc so we have Duke hospital here. I have been in their watd twice and as far as looney bins go its very nice. I remember looking forward to mealtime cause it was so boring. My shrink isnt connected to Duke but could get me in there. We also have an accsess center, kind of like an ER for mental or substance problems. The regular ER has a waiting room and its like a holding cell. I hate it there. Im in the middle about the meds. Im already on high doses of Latuda and Lithium and kolonopin for my panic attacks. Adderall for ADD and hydroxizine and Trazadone for sleep so im on a lot of meds. I have bipolar 1 and the depression with it is paralyzing. My meds work great. I get pycotic when im manic and see and hear shit so they had me schizophrenic for a long time and after my last attempt i was in hospital 3 days and the team came everyday to talk to me and head shrink at Duke spent an hr with me and changed me to bipolar 1. My shrink agreed and we went thru 3 or 4 meds for it and they made me crazier finally tried Latuda and it works great. The high dose im on acts like a antipchcotic. Im on 1200mg of Litium and its really worked well for my depression. I agree also that a plan can be formulated and executed quick. My last attempt i had a plan and did it in 10 min so im aware that not having a plan doesnt mean much. Well see what she says tomorrow. I learned finally honesty is key. She cant treat me if she doesnt know. I also see a great therapist there and she helped me a lot last week. My problem is i lay my shit on friends and family and not professionals but im getting tona better. I also have health issues. Have had blood clots since 2009 which are verybpainful and took my colon out last summer so i have an ostomy bag so im on meds for my chronic pain so when im hurting and my bag leaks all over me and the people in this house are loud as hell i just want it all to end. Trick is changingvmy enviornment and get some more income and try to improve the quality of my life. My mental illness will always be there and the thoughts will, at times always be there but my buddy said today it could be eorse and we talked about the troops who come back in a wheelchair with no limbs and mental illness. I just gotta persist. I wonder whats its like to have a passion for life. Ive never had it. I appreciate both of you taking time to post. Both were helpful. Im gonna be very active tomorrow with 2 dr appts and social services. Job hunt too. Im on disability but its not nearly enough. Ok so im rambling. Thanks again. Take care
 
Indeed we do all care.

Glad to see you are still pushin. Dpnt give up keep fighting. You will find passion sooner or later...it's in there somewhere.

Will right more later but good to hear from you.

Keep on keepin on. :)
 
Thanks jammin and Dixi. I saw my shrink today and we kept meds the same as im already on high doses but we made a suicide plan and she made me promise to do it which i will. I was up at 3am and the demons were all over me. Voices saying things like youre a loser, you deserve to die, shit like that then i started having a panick attack so i took an unscheduled kolonopin which works great. Its the only benzo that actually stops my attacks. I survived and reminded myself that their not real and part of my mental illness. Their scary though. I feel stength growing. The will to live is there. So some positivty. Ill take all i can get. And the support of all of you had done wonders. Thank you all!!
 
After about 5 years of APs, I hit a wall and started feeling suicidal more often. The meds stopped working for me. How long have you been on Latuda?
 
:) Hey...Just checkin in on closeau. I think today is therapist appointment, right? Sending positive vibes your way. Please update!

jammin...I agree, as I feel that Zoloft isn't doing much for me any more. I'm just afraid of the frying pan/fire thing.

I've no doubt that without such debilitating pain, my depression would lessen. I am existing, not living.
 
Thats rxactly how i feel. Ill fill you in by message. To others here it went really well and im not feeling good today for different reasons but goood as i can considering. Its creepy how she can read me so easily and almost predict what im gonna say. She said i have every reason to want to die but suicide isca permanat fix to a temporary situation. Wow, that you hit me. Anyway, one day at a time my friends.ill stick around today and tomorrow isnt even here. Stay in presant. Good stuff. Hope yall are well
 
How you doing man? You survivng? Give us an update if you're up for it.

Sometimes we just need to sleep in it and it will be better in the morning. Sometimes you wake up tho and everything hits you at once tho. Can go both ways. Sometimes the reality of our situations can be overwhelming.

Would love to hear from you man.
 
Hey jammin. Thanks for the post. Im hangin in there. Had good sessions with my Dr this past week and one minor med change with my kolonopin. Going over to eat with family so thats cool. Just trying to stay busy. A job would solve many problems but my work history is hurting me. I should have a job in a dental lab soon. Still crazy living enviornment but im trying my best to keep to myself. Like i said, all i can change is my attitude and think positive. Ive been able to do that with help. Well see. Its such a roller coaster. Thank you so much for checking on my man. Ill update thru the coming week. I hope youre wel!!u
 
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