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Successful job leading to loneliness and detachment from family/friends

M

mribas1981

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 8, 2013
Messages
5
Location
St. Louis, MO
First, wow! I used to post in bluelight like 10 years ago, frequently. I think I had like 5,000 posts on my old username. Very glad to see ya'll are still around. There was a moderator in here named.. Strawberry Lovemuffin I think? She was great. would be awesome to see if she is still around.

Anyways, I'm back because I have been feeling a little bummed out.

I landed a phenomenal job... One that uses my intellect, my personality, my degree, and my experience. Biochemistry Research Consultant. I absolutely adore my job. I've been doing it for about 2 years now.

Problem is, I travel incessantly. Usually 2-3 weeks every month. Since I began the job, I realized that it is nearly impossible to sustain interpersonal relationships with people that are very close to me. I see on facebook all my friends doing things together, bonding, and spending a bunch of time together. It used to be me that was the cohesive force among everyone. I always got the invites, if I wasn't the one doing the inviting. Now, I don't even hear about what's going on unless I call or text some of my friends, and even then it's like "oh sure, come along if you can."

I even feel detached from my family. I go to my parents house and it's like I'm just kinda... there. Everyone talks about what is going on in town, and with everyone else; and I'm reduced to superficial conversations about what I do on the road. I can't exactly talk about my work because some of what i deal with is proprietary or privileged information, and even when it's not, the shit is so technical that people are like "umh... what?" lol.

When I'm on the road, I do meet people, but nothing ever has substance. It's always "Hey I'm here for a week, let's go grab a few drinks." At the end of the week, it's "Hey, nice to meet ya. Have a nice life."

I feel like all the important relationships in my life have dissipated to insignificance. And all the new relationships I develop are meaningless and shallow.

I haven't had a steady girlfriend either since I started this job. As much as it's cool to say "Oh sure, I have hookups all the time in random cities;" Anyone who has frequent and random hookups, knows it gets ... empty.

Just curious if anyone else experiences this... Advice? Thoughts?

I donno. I guess I'm just kinda down right now.
 
that sounds hard to adjust to

I know someone in a similar situation with a great gig that has to travel to meet clients, but they are married, and I assume they just enjoy the no-strings-attached random hookups as an escape.

Only thing I can think of is scouting some of the common areas and developing a social media/txt msg relationship with them. They may not be as physically attractive as random "on-call" hookups, but they will go overboard with the emotional stuff and be thrilled you are visiting. Just don't get too attached.
Good Luck
Corazon
 
Isn't there others you work with who travel as well? Or are you the only one who travels?
 
Yeah my father's in a similar situation. He travels at least 2 weeks per month and when he's around he doesn't get home from work until about midnight anyway. My siblings & I don't really know him and back when I lived at home I don't think I ever saw him go out to see friends. Bit sad. I'm sure it must be very difficult but you really should do everything you can not to end up with a similar lifestyle because well, it isn't really much of a life. How often do you see your friends when you are in town? It's not ideal but being able to see them a week or two every month is still pretty good no?
Also as Tude mentions, do you not travel with colleagues? There may be a few you'd be interested in knowing better? Also if you travel to the same places regularly, you could maybe try to stay in touch with people there?

Also, welcome back to BL :)
 
so you'll have to make the effort to invite yourself to things with your friends. i have to do that now i live away in another city. once you are removed from the picture things go on without you-get over it

its up to you to sustain the friendships you value

if you cannot tolerate being on the road maybe look for the stepping stone after this job where you don't have to travel

be careful to not drink/ do anything else to excess when you are lonely. phone people up for a good heart to heart when you feel lonely
 
Yeah I'm the only one that travels. There really isn't anyone else at the job that can do what I do.

I do make contact when I'm home. I also have a 2 yr old daughter, and when I'm in town, I spend a lot of time with her. It's just becoming difficult to divvy up my time between work, friends, and family. Of course my daughter gets first priority; it would be a terrible shame if she grew up and said "Dad was never there."

I just get a little bit down watching everyone else around me lead normal lives when I can't. Or at least normal relative to what I used to know.

Ok well thanks for the replies.
 
Maybe you already know the answer? What is more important to you.. your job, or your friends/family? You couldn't pay me all the money in the world to do a job that requires me to constantly be traveling.
 
Out of curiosity, what does this job, Biochemistry Research Consultant, entail???

And how old are you? Everyone knows friends go away, get married, have their own jobs and lives etc... after a certain age.

Most people past thirty are either in "serious" relationships or live their lives alone.

Where's the father of the child?

For whatever its worth all I do is wake up early, do a bullshit commute to work, then come home and do it over again. I don't even want a relationship or friends. I just want some time back so that I can pursue hobbies and other interests. ...work is stealing my life away - which I might be ok with if I did something important but I just work a stupid job.

"a middling job neither menial enough to be comic nor substantial enough to take seriously"
 
I feel for you. I'm in a similiar situation. Well paying and fulfilling job but I am in the middle of nowhere in a small town of only 2000 people, most of whom are retirees. I also have depression which makes things worse. But yeah, the lack of friends around is what gets to me the most.

I need to be better about this but here is what I am planning on doing (and have been doing but not as frequently). Aim to see friends every three weeks. I guess your job means about the same time lapse. You just have to bite the bullet and get in contact with people. This is what I am working on. I have always been on the opinion that friendship are like flowers, if you don't water them (in the case of friends hang out or stay in contact) there is a good chance they will die out.

So my advice is, see friends as much as possible. It will really make things better. Not seeing people for two weeks is not that big of a deal. Particularly if you spend quality time with one another when you see them. If you have to be the one who is always initating contact then so be it.
 
Can't you Skype with your friends? Pick one friend a day and Skype with them/talk to them on the phone, just for shits.
 
mribas1981 said:
First, wow! I used to post in bluelight like 10 years ago, frequently. I think I had like 5,000 posts on my old username. Very glad to see ya'll are still around. There was a moderator in here named.. Strawberry Lovemuffin I think? She was great. would be awesome to see if she is still around.

Anyways, I'm back because I have been feeling a little bummed out.

I landed a phenomenal job... One that uses my intellect, my personality, my degree, and my experience. Biochemistry Research Consultant. I absolutely adore my job. I've been doing it for about 2 years now.

Problem is, I travel incessantly. Usually 2-3 weeks every month. Since I began the job, I realized that it is nearly impossible to sustain interpersonal relationships with people that are very close to me. I see on facebook all my friends doing things together, bonding, and spending a bunch of time together. It used to be me that was the cohesive force among everyone. I always got the invites, if I wasn't the one doing the inviting. Now, I don't even hear about what's going on unless I call or text some of my friends, and even then it's like "oh sure, come along if you can."

I even feel detached from my family. I go to my parents house and it's like I'm just kinda... there. Everyone talks about what is going on in town, and with everyone else; and I'm reduced to superficial conversations about what I do on the road. I can't exactly talk about my work because some of what i deal with is proprietary or privileged information, and even when it's not, the shit is so technical that people are like "umh... what?" lol.

When I'm on the road, I do meet people, but nothing ever has substance. It's always "Hey I'm here for a week, let's go grab a few drinks." At the end of the week, it's "Hey, nice to meet ya. Have a nice life."

I feel like all the important relationships in my life have dissipated to insignificance. And all the new relationships I develop are meaningless and shallow.

I haven't had a steady girlfriend either since I started this job. As much as it's cool to say "Oh sure, I have hookups all the time in random cities;" Anyone who has frequent and random hookups, knows it gets ... empty.

Just curious if anyone else experiences this... Advice? Thoughts?

I donno. I guess I'm just kinda down right now.
Click to expand...

welcome back ibis :)

i can relate to this situation. my life evolves my work and my family. during the week my work life interferes with my family life due to the high pressure position i hold and as a consequence i am almost unapproachable for four days of each week. as much as i when i leave my job each day i spend the hour commute home in my car listening to music and telling myself to chill the fuck out and be the woman/lover/mother my family needs me to be when i walk through the door; im yet to find the healthy balance of totally detaching from my job and walking through the door ready to resume another role.

as far as branching out socially goes, i too have rejected so many social invitations (social events, parties, weddings) due to my commitments that my friends and family no longer bother asking me to attend, or when they do; hope ill finally make the time, but always end up declining at the last moment and disappointing them further. i can associate with the feeling of when you finally DO make the effort, relations with those you love are short and unfeeling as everyone avoids discussing the elephant in the room and instead opts for politeness and civil discussion.

my advice? when making the time to interact with those you love, make sure you are ready to dedicate your time and attention wholly to them. genuinely show them (if only in occasional catch ups) that you are interested in whats going on in their life and that you love them. dont let politeness and civility get in the way of a good time. as for meeting a potential mate. you have to find someone that too appreciates their career or time alone as much as you do. its not easy, but there are many out there that share similar lifestyle/ethics and when available want someone to come home to and share their life with. as for social networking, i tend to find that workaholics view their colleagues as a family outside of their own and come to rely on their company. this while getting by, isnt entirely healthy; and as for branching out beyond that, hope that someone else here has better advice than i have to give on that topic. also, be sure to utilize your annual leave, and take a holiday/breather from your job at least twice annually. when stepping outside of the squares we build/live within its obvious that while our professions hold relevance, the most important things in life are the simplest and being happy/with those we love.

good luck <3


...kytnism...:|
 
Last edited:
^ great post

End of 20s snuck up on me, too, and it was a sad realisation.

MrIbis, re the old crowd, the key thing (for me, anyway) has been realising & accepting that the game has changed. The old social framework isn't what it once was and thats nothing personal. Its not easy to see the pics on facebook when you have missed out because of other obligations, but remember facebook tends to put a false gloss on things. You probably only missed a slightly disappointing occasion where everyone went through the motions, smiled for the camera and went home early.

Also, after two years experience on that job, are you able to move sidewise into a similarly senior role but involving less travel? Be hard to keep that travel up forever, on top of everything else including your daughter.
 
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