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Struggling with the amount of casual partners my mate had

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unique1va

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2015
Messages
9
Today I was online desperately seeking blogs that relate to my current struggle. I'm married now for almost three years and I found out that my wife has slept with 26 people. She was in a long term relationship with a very abusive man and when she got out of the relationship I found that she had slept with three people in three months. She at the time would have been 31 and she admitted to sleeping with a 19 year old "weird/scary", her brother friend who was 9 years younger than her and met a guy at a bar, left with him to a hotel, gave him oral sex then a quickie. According to my wife she hates who she was and despises her past. My wife claims she never enjoyed any of that stuff and that she was just "searching" for someone as a mate. I'm not so sure I buy this story but maybe you will? She claims that she never gushed or had orgasms with any stranger ever and the most of her casual hookups with worthless, meaningless and brought her "no pleasure. My wife claims that I 'm the only person who has ever made her feel safe and allow her to have extreme amounts of pleasure that she has never experienced. To go more into detail my wife claims that the "new feelings" in the bedroom are not only new but scary at times. She defines this buy not knowing how to always process these feelings. Evidently the fast quickie seemed to be just the way things always went. In summary I'm mortified about the number, I'm not liking that she would give oral sex to a total stranger, by the way is this common? I don't like that she messed around with much younger people even though she claims she was a hurt person in a dark place and was searching. Here are the facts we have had amazing intimacy but its not always been consistent because she has struggled letting herself go. For some strange reason she has a hard time getting comfortable letting me please her. Each time that I have successfully been able to please her it takes her a while to get calm but then she really enjoys it. I'm so confused as to what to do, what to think etc... I'm almost three years into a relationship and I find myself wondering if I should place a couple extra notches in my belt just to deal with things better. I'm sure that is not the recommended thing to do. I've chosen you to lay all of this one because your story with your man is so extreme kind of like mine. I want to know your thoughts and appreciate any advice or statements you can give me.
 
It was in the past, there is nothing she can do to change it now. You're going to have to accept it and move forward.

How old are both of you? How many partners have you had?
 
She is 35 I'm 38. She has been with 25 to 26 people I've been with a whole five my entire life. I was in a very long-term relationship though and wasn't much of a cheater so my numbers didn't rack up too much. Can you imagine someone having 20 more than you?
 
You could argue that you only have a low number because you aren't very attractive. Just be happy she even wants to be with you. To be honest I didn't realise there was a particular number or age people are supposed to be ashamed about. Would you prefer a virgin? Trust me they are far worse.

Or you can grow up and enjoy the fact you found each other and have the rest of your life together to look forward to.
 
Wow that was a harsh judgment! All of the women minus one in my entire life was gorgeous. I never could bring myself to have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to maybe that is what is was? I've been with nothing but great looking women my entire life. I might not be the very best looking man on the planet but I'd have to say its certainly not my looks and I don't mean this in an arrogant tone. So are you saying the only attractive people are capable of racking up such numbers? It sounds like I've touched a sore spot for you personally, sorry about that.
 
Yes, I can imagine my partners having 20+ more than me, as I'm sure that many of them have.

It's not like she's 20 and has had sex with 26 guys - though even if she did, that's her choice and her business. She's 35, so 26 partners doesn't sound outrageous to me.

The only solution to this is accept it and move forward. You could have a long drawn out discussion about how men in her past meant nothing, but ultimately, that won't change anything about the situstion.
 
I'm 28 and I know quite a few women my age or younger who've been with a similar number. None of them strike me as sluts, but all of them have had issues or trouble in the past (with themselves). To me sleeping around that much is like the desire for traveling the globe, it's a search for some kind of self definition. They all recognized the hollowness of that pursuit however.

I'd be more interested in finding out who she was at that time as a person, what she was dealing with etc. I would have done this before marrying her though.
 
If u both love each other all this is petty..it has nothing to do with her and all to do with u feeling inadequate or jealous in some way..what if she lied and said just 4 guys?...whats more important honesty or number of partners..the past is not real in the present moment..do u love her at this very second? If yes..get over this..no one can tell u how u have to learn to accept what has happend even tho u dont agree with it.

she is not a possesion u have no control over what she has done,what she is doing,or what she will do..appreciate she is your wife and love her ,dont judge her
 
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You've been married 3 years and have only just found out about this? Or have you known the whole time?

It's the past.. if you can't love your wife for who she is NOW then who are you fooling? It's not like she told you all this happened during your time together..
Maybe she is lying about enjoying it, maybe not.. eigther way i doubt she has urges to sleep with random behind your back.

Also for the record, stop acting like having sex with a 19 year old makes her into some kind of pedophile, especially at the age of 31. He may be younger but he is still a consenting adult. Not to mention that just because she did it once before in the past doesn't mean she wants a younger man all the time..

The problem I have with your thinking is that you act as if there is a perminent mark/stain left behind on a person after every seperate sexual partner.. unless there is a perminent std involved, all it is is a memory..
 
My partner has slept with over 100 people. I've probably slept with around 20ish.
It doesn't worry me in the slightest, the decisions he made in the past are his business. If anything having sex with such a large amount of people has just made him a better and more experienced lover.

If you're going to carry on about her past forever then you might as well call it quits with her. It's not fair to think less of her and judge her for her past. Plenty of people (me included) have changed completely over the years and am not the person I once was.
 
Yay you kissed a girl who's had a lot of cocks in her mouth. Don't forget you did the same and now those females who pleasured you are living with the same deal. I used to be like you and then I realised that when you truly love someone you can tolerate the bullshit and accept that it's in the past and get over it. Alternatively you could go see hookers and beat her record and get to like 27 sexual partners. Then it will be like equal.
 
(NoNoo): I'm assuming that you are not suggesting I sleep with hookers to match her number? I knew that some people would smack me around on here but I also knew that others would give good advice based on my thoughts. Let me set the record straight. I do love this women lots! I've been through allot with her already and don't want to have a failed marriage. I've learned that my upset feelings are only because I do love her so much. We both are in counseling now but it was very hard to deal with a wife in the bed who felt uncomfortable being touched on her breasts or even coochie. Sometimes it was her eyes closed, lay down and "wham bam" well that doesn't really do it for me. I knew something was off so I did ask some questions I guess I got lots of overwhelming answers. Long story very short she has started to say that she is processing these new feelings, nobody ever made her feel good or worth anything and that an orgasms or tingly feelings somewhat freak her out as its new to her. CAN THIS BE TRUE EVEN WITH MANY PARTNERS??? Nobody ever wanted to please her she just felt like it was her job to please. She claims that she felt worse after each person she was with and that she kept "searching" and feeling like a total loser. Someone said above that it would be helpful to know how she was like in the past: My wife told me she had a long-term college boyfriend and she wanted to get married as her other friends were doing and he dumped her so she got angry and had her first casual sex encounter and felt filthy and used. After her break up she spent a couple years having sexual encounters. During this time she claims one stranger did something "scary" with her and all she remembers is a dark room and feeling pain and afraid. Evidently she then got into a marriage and was beat and evidently he would do things like aggressively twist her nipples and stuff so after 1.5 yrs of that she found another man, he moved her out west and also beat her, made her his personal sex slave and then suggested she should be an escort. After 7 yrs she moved back home slept with 3 people in 3 months one was 19 which does disturb me "sorry" another was a total stranger she met at a bar, went to a hotel gave the stranger oral and he did the "wham bam." That is the overall cliff notes version of what she says is the truth. Before any replies please know I'm a good person, I have a kind heart and I do love this woman. I've never cheated on anyone my entire life but I'm simply crushed on the inside after recently hearing all this. Please know that I'm so very thankful to everyone on here that has given advice. This is the first time I've ever used the internet to get advice. My goal is to get over her past but I know me well enough to know that I need some justification on some of it since it does bother me.
 
This should not be that big of a deal to you.

I've had partners who had sex with a lot more people than I did, and partners who had sex with a lot less people than I did, and none of it mattered to me since it was all before we met and were together.

I do know people who did make a huge deal out of how many people their partner/spouse had been with before they were married, or even friends or dating each other, and it ultimately drove them apart and destroyed their relationship together.
 
Doesn't matter how many people she's had sex with. And yeah, giving a blow job is as easy as GETTING ONE.

Offer to suck a guy's dick, very rarely he's going to say no (unless she's ugly, sickly, nasty, etc)

I have to go, but I'll paste a link to another POST which is similar to this one.

Right off the bat. As a man - Going out on a Saturday night will most likely equal a hook up. Do it twice a month = 24 times a year or so. Men do this, I see no problems with women doing it either.
When I meet my wife, I've had 140+ different sexual partners (girlfriends / dates / one night stand / FWB / booty call). She, about 12~15. I include oral sex as sex, of course. A kiss = not sex.

Since we've been married for 5 years, I think she's had sex with about 15 different people (men and women).

You fell in love with her, you married her. Other than STDs - it shouldn't matter if she had sex with 5 guys or 5000 before you ever saw her.
 
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Well... that was interesting. The thread in which a guy (in his mid 30s I think) who had issues because his GF of about 2 years traded sex for drugs in her 20s when she was an addict... nevermind HE TOO, had addiction issues.
He said she was "perfect", etc... except for that ONE thing. The amount of guys she had sex with to pay for drugs (but would have been cool if she was just a slut).

So your wife of 3 years, once you somehow found out how many penis' have been insider her - suddenly her vagina is ruined or feels different?

If she doesn't have herpes, HIV, etc - then so... what?

If you wanted a virgin, you needed to hang out at Jr. High Schools... which isn't cool.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
This should not be that big of a deal to you.
I do know people who did make a huge deal out of how many people their partner/spouse had been with before they were married, or even friends or dating each other, and it ultimately drove them apart and destroyed their relationship together.
Click to expand...

^ This is a very apt point, personally I've been in a similar long term relationship and at the time I was thinking she must be an easy girl or the village bike etc. Differing from the OP's scenario this girl slept with people I personally knew prior to me, and I just couldn't shake the idea of others reminiscing of their sexual experience with her, especially when I was in their company. I'm pretty sure it was my immaturity and facets of jealousy that finally convinced me to end it.

In retrospect I regret ending it on those terms, when I should really just have gotten over it and cherished what I had. If someone is special enough for you genuinely love then look to the future and think about what you can build with them, not the shit in the past.
 
I don't think that is really a high number at all especially for your age. At least she can still remember how many people she slept with.

I mean she was single for almost 15 years of her adult life. That is less than two people a year. So I don't think she was even that promiscuous.

Really though that should not even matter. It is in the past and you are married now. You say the marriage is monogamous and you are happy with her. Also if she has any stds you already have them too so. All that being said really you should not hold someones past against them. Your wife never really was a total slut and even if she was, which she wasn't, she is your woman now. I think maybe since you only slept with 5 women in your entire life you feel a bit inadequate or something. The number of sexual partners a person has had should not really define their ability to love someone romantically.

I dunno, you have a good thing. She trusted you enough to tell you how many people she slept with and marry you, so maybe you should trust that she loves you and enjoy your marriage. If she has been faithful for 3 years chances are she will be faithful forever. I think this issue can fuck up your marriage if you let it eat at you. It's not a big number and even if it was it still would not matter.

You married her so grow the fuck up and love her for who she is today and not who she was in the past. That is the bottom line.
 
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