That-Strange-Guy
Bluelighter
Imagine having to stabilize your mother's mental and physical health and raise three siblings alone while you can't think, caught up in twisted sadistic thoughts of suicide but knowing it would be selfish to do so because the weight of everyone you love is resting on your shoulders. Every day that weight gets heavier and the days worsen, you begin to finally crack under the pressure of reality, imagine having to choose between food, gas, water, or electricity when you are looked upon as the only fatherly icon your family has ever known? To most people this sounds like hell, but to me it was just another day in my teenage years. Before I proceed let me tell you how I got to this point in my life and how I became the person before you today. This is my story of my battle with stress.
As far back as I can recall I remember guns being shot inside our house during angry disputes, no one ever got shot but I remember being a toddler and looking at the broken glass and empty shell holes in the walls. This was around the same time my mother used to get brutally abused to the point i could hardly tell it was her face behind all the blood. She would hold me in her arms and rock me back to sleep while her warm crimson colored fluids trickled down onto my blanket and formed a small puddle.These memories are vivid but to me it was just another day. I never knew that this wasn't normal so it didn't effect me, to be honest these were some of the best days of my life when the world still felt fresh and new, and adventures awaiting around ever corner. It was hard for me to comprehend when my mother's boyfriends ended up in jail, or when they robbed us and stole everything aside from the beds and toys, having my uncle stabbed 18 times, and my aunt killed by the same man who carved her unborn baby out of her stomach and beat it to death against a brick wall while life drained from her helpless body. Back then I was so blinded by childish euphoria that nothing around me seemed wrong until I reached my preteen years.
When I was 9 years old I blew out my birthday candles and grew a distressed look across my face. I recall my mother asking me if I made a wish and I replied "I wished for Jordan (my first brother) and I to have a daddy like everyone else. I should have been more careful what I wished for because my wish came true, but not like I had hoped. My mother contacted my father and placed him in our lives like a twister of nightmares from hell. I would dread when my mother left for work because that meant I was left alone with him, he was a bad alcoholic who liked to torture us for his own sick amusement, he would starve me until I had cleaned the whole house, piled wood in the woodshed and downstairs, and if I forgot one detail he would throw me down a flight of stairs, punch me till I needed stitches, or threaten me with knives or lecture me about how stupid and pathetic I was. I cannot recall one day of those years that he smiled or did something out of kindness which resulted in me being depressed and detached from any emotions I used to have. Fortunately, one day when I was 17 he packed his belongings and left me and my two brothers after informing my mother he had been living with another woman for several months. For a short time I was happy and relieved until reality smacked me in the face. My mother could not afford all of the bills, plus put food on the table for her children, so she began working two jobs while I baby sat and tended to chores. My mother is a strong woman but the work took a toll on her after a period of time of 3 hours of sleep between jobs and having no days to rest. Eventually she looked horrible, almost like a crack addict from her physical exhaustion. My brothers were too young to understand what was happening and I could not express any worried or sad emotions to them, I was the only long term parent figure they had in their lives so I felt it was my obligation as their guardian to protect them from the harsh reality around us.
I had too much on my mind to worry about school so I began to detach myself and give up until I was just laying down thinking about the next time the water or electricity was going to get shut off or what we were going to eat for supper that night. This lead to me dropping out of school and getting a full time job to help my mom with the bills. At first it wasn't so bad I was able to provide for my brothers which was my only concern but I never stopped to think about my life or what I wanted, at this point in my life I had forgotten who I was and only knew how to be what people expected me to be, not a single shred of my ego or personality was left, I felt empty or without purpose and eventually became suicidal around the same time I found out my mother was pregnant with yet another child while we were struggling as it was.
To skip forward a few years my mother had to move back in with my grandparents, and I joined the military and rediscovered myself only I was faced with the problem that I could not express my true self on base. Go figure, after 18 years I finally learn who I want to be and I have another person telling me I can't be myself. Obviously that wasn't the job for me, so I left and finished high school, started working under the table with my family and started a life with my girlfriend in our apartment, I made her the center of my life and thought the world of her, for once I was not the deciding factor if my family floated or crumbled but I found it hard to talk about my past. I didn't know about it at the time but she was cheating on me so when I found out we were having a baby I was the happiest person on the planet. I knew in my heart I would never let this child go through the same stress that I did and that I would love it more than anyone possibly could. Needless to say 6 months after the child was born she admitted to cheating on me and proved I was not the father with a DNA test.
Again my life went from having meaning to empty, that night I sat on my roof with a hunting rifle, and a knife. I thought for sure I was going to kill myself but I decided to make a phone call. This person offered me free therapy sessions if I didn't kill myself. And for the first time I reached out for help, I opened up to her and spilled everything I had bottled up, even more than I did in this essay and I felt like I could finally breathe again. She suggested I take some time for myself and meditate and exercise, which shockingly did wonders! I was able to reconnect with my inner self and learn from the experiences, I would wake up feeling well rested and without a single doubt in my mind that the day would be any less than perfect. After my therapist diagnosed me as healed I took a further exploration into the spiritual lifestyle such as Buddhism, dream recall, astral projection, eating healthy, regular exercise, and so on.
Now that my essay is reaching completion you have learned a little more about my life, myself, and how I learned to manage stress. I went from a violent childhood, to a forced premature adulthood, collapsed under the stress of being depended on by my family, I became emotionless, defensive, empty, and ultimately suicidal, all before I even knew who I truly was to begin with. But during my journey I learned countless valuable lessons and more importantly can live every day as an optimist with a smile knowing that this is my life and I am in control of where it goes.
As far back as I can recall I remember guns being shot inside our house during angry disputes, no one ever got shot but I remember being a toddler and looking at the broken glass and empty shell holes in the walls. This was around the same time my mother used to get brutally abused to the point i could hardly tell it was her face behind all the blood. She would hold me in her arms and rock me back to sleep while her warm crimson colored fluids trickled down onto my blanket and formed a small puddle.These memories are vivid but to me it was just another day. I never knew that this wasn't normal so it didn't effect me, to be honest these were some of the best days of my life when the world still felt fresh and new, and adventures awaiting around ever corner. It was hard for me to comprehend when my mother's boyfriends ended up in jail, or when they robbed us and stole everything aside from the beds and toys, having my uncle stabbed 18 times, and my aunt killed by the same man who carved her unborn baby out of her stomach and beat it to death against a brick wall while life drained from her helpless body. Back then I was so blinded by childish euphoria that nothing around me seemed wrong until I reached my preteen years.
When I was 9 years old I blew out my birthday candles and grew a distressed look across my face. I recall my mother asking me if I made a wish and I replied "I wished for Jordan (my first brother) and I to have a daddy like everyone else. I should have been more careful what I wished for because my wish came true, but not like I had hoped. My mother contacted my father and placed him in our lives like a twister of nightmares from hell. I would dread when my mother left for work because that meant I was left alone with him, he was a bad alcoholic who liked to torture us for his own sick amusement, he would starve me until I had cleaned the whole house, piled wood in the woodshed and downstairs, and if I forgot one detail he would throw me down a flight of stairs, punch me till I needed stitches, or threaten me with knives or lecture me about how stupid and pathetic I was. I cannot recall one day of those years that he smiled or did something out of kindness which resulted in me being depressed and detached from any emotions I used to have. Fortunately, one day when I was 17 he packed his belongings and left me and my two brothers after informing my mother he had been living with another woman for several months. For a short time I was happy and relieved until reality smacked me in the face. My mother could not afford all of the bills, plus put food on the table for her children, so she began working two jobs while I baby sat and tended to chores. My mother is a strong woman but the work took a toll on her after a period of time of 3 hours of sleep between jobs and having no days to rest. Eventually she looked horrible, almost like a crack addict from her physical exhaustion. My brothers were too young to understand what was happening and I could not express any worried or sad emotions to them, I was the only long term parent figure they had in their lives so I felt it was my obligation as their guardian to protect them from the harsh reality around us.
I had too much on my mind to worry about school so I began to detach myself and give up until I was just laying down thinking about the next time the water or electricity was going to get shut off or what we were going to eat for supper that night. This lead to me dropping out of school and getting a full time job to help my mom with the bills. At first it wasn't so bad I was able to provide for my brothers which was my only concern but I never stopped to think about my life or what I wanted, at this point in my life I had forgotten who I was and only knew how to be what people expected me to be, not a single shred of my ego or personality was left, I felt empty or without purpose and eventually became suicidal around the same time I found out my mother was pregnant with yet another child while we were struggling as it was.
To skip forward a few years my mother had to move back in with my grandparents, and I joined the military and rediscovered myself only I was faced with the problem that I could not express my true self on base. Go figure, after 18 years I finally learn who I want to be and I have another person telling me I can't be myself. Obviously that wasn't the job for me, so I left and finished high school, started working under the table with my family and started a life with my girlfriend in our apartment, I made her the center of my life and thought the world of her, for once I was not the deciding factor if my family floated or crumbled but I found it hard to talk about my past. I didn't know about it at the time but she was cheating on me so when I found out we were having a baby I was the happiest person on the planet. I knew in my heart I would never let this child go through the same stress that I did and that I would love it more than anyone possibly could. Needless to say 6 months after the child was born she admitted to cheating on me and proved I was not the father with a DNA test.
Again my life went from having meaning to empty, that night I sat on my roof with a hunting rifle, and a knife. I thought for sure I was going to kill myself but I decided to make a phone call. This person offered me free therapy sessions if I didn't kill myself. And for the first time I reached out for help, I opened up to her and spilled everything I had bottled up, even more than I did in this essay and I felt like I could finally breathe again. She suggested I take some time for myself and meditate and exercise, which shockingly did wonders! I was able to reconnect with my inner self and learn from the experiences, I would wake up feeling well rested and without a single doubt in my mind that the day would be any less than perfect. After my therapist diagnosed me as healed I took a further exploration into the spiritual lifestyle such as Buddhism, dream recall, astral projection, eating healthy, regular exercise, and so on.
Now that my essay is reaching completion you have learned a little more about my life, myself, and how I learned to manage stress. I went from a violent childhood, to a forced premature adulthood, collapsed under the stress of being depended on by my family, I became emotionless, defensive, empty, and ultimately suicidal, all before I even knew who I truly was to begin with. But during my journey I learned countless valuable lessons and more importantly can live every day as an optimist with a smile knowing that this is my life and I am in control of where it goes.
Last edited:
I look forward to reading anything you post.