Strange encounters in ordinary circumstances - let's hear them

[Tranced]

Those weird, 'ordinary', awkward things that just shouldn't happen because life doesn't give you the excuse of being on drugs. Bleurgh.

I had a stomach bug the other week, and the experience was kind of at the tail end (arf arf) after a few days of misery... you know the one. Anyway, I was at the local shopping centre in middle of the home town that I grew up in, and I was there under the pretence that I was over the worst of it (so safe) and probably wasn't really that infectious because everybody else probably already had it anyway (so of fine moral standing).

Anyway, I was in Asda when I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. Things weren't too bad so I made my way to the mens toilets which are just around the corner, thinking I'd brave the well used seat and sometimes pissy floors.

I was standing outside waiting for a good few minutes (things weren't too bad or anything, no particular rush) - when I eventually heard the toilet flush and some guy came out of the door to find me standing there waiting. The conversation went like this:

Him: "I wouldn't go in there mate, there's no bog roll"
Me: "Oh well, I'll just wait for the other cubicle"
Him: *average joe moan incoming* "Fucking typical in here mate. Fucking management haven't got a fucking clue. It's fucking shit man, always the same these days" [ftr as I came in I noticed the cleaners milling around outside ready to restock the toilets from the cupboards, but whatever]
Me: *slight sarcastic tone/amusement* "Haha aye? Righto mate, sounds errr... terrible".
Him: "Yeah mate it's fucking shocking, fucking shit. Tell you what though, I think I've got a few spare pieces for you here somwhere, two seconds I'm sure they're right... ahhh, here they are, knew they were in there somewhere".

He then proceeded to start to kind of pull little fragments of toilet paper out of his pocket. You know when you sneeze on a piece of tissue and kind of just crumple it up in your pocket, and by the end of the day it's just kind of all stuck together in a ball with dried yellow snot? That's genuinely exactly what they were, and they were all in little tangled single pieces and halves which he then proceeded to try and unravel/tease into something remotely resembling something that you would usually use to wipe your arse.

Me: "Haha errr, honestly it's alright mate... really... I'll just wait for the other cubicle.. cheers"
Him: *meticulously and rigorously untangling/unsticking the... things* "Hang on a second mate, I think I've got a few more if you don't think that will be enough!".
Me: "No mate seriously..."

At that exact moment the other cubicle flushed, and some guy came out to reveal the nice big roomy cubicle which, not only had ample toilet roll, but the floor wasn't covered in piss. And I didn't have to explain to some blokey why I didn't want to wipe my arse with decrepit bits of snot rag. I hope I'm doing them adequate justice here, honestly they were fucking minging.

Oh well, I guess his heart was in the right place.

And hopefully they weren't wank rags.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Those weird, 'ordinary', awkward things that just shouldn't happen because life doesn't give you the excuse of being on drugs. Bleurgh.

I had a stomach bug the other week, and the experience was kind of at the tail end (arf arf) after a few days of misery... you know the one. Anyway, I was at the local shopping centre in middle of the home town that I grew up in, and I was there under the pretence that I was over the worst of it (so safe) and probably wasn't really that infectious because everybody else probably already had it anyway (so of fine moral standing).

Anyway, I was in Asda when I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. Things weren't too bad so I made my way to the mens toilets which are just around the corner, thinking I'd brave the well used seat and sometimes pissy floors.

I was standing outside waiting for a good few minutes (things weren't too bad or anything, no particular rush) - when I eventually heard the toilet flush and some guy came out of the door to find me standing there waiting. The conversation went like this:

Him: "I wouldn't go in there mate, there's no bog roll"
Me: "Oh well, I'll just wait for the other cubicle"
Him: *average joe moan incoming* "Fucking typical in here mate. Fucking management haven't got a fucking clue. It's fucking shit man, always the same these days" [ftr as I came in I noticed the cleaners milling around outside ready to restock the toilets from the cupboards, but whatever]
Me: *slight sarcastic tone/amusement* "Haha aye? Righto mate, sounds errr... terrible".
Him: "Yeah mate it's fucking shocking, fucking shit. Tell you what you what though, I think I've got a few spare pieces for you here somwhere, two seconds I'm sure they're right... ahhh, here they are!"

He then proceeded to start kind of pull out little fragments of toilet paper out of his pocket. You know when you sneeze on a piece of tissue and kind of just crumple it up in your pocket, and by the end of the day it's just kind of all stuck together in a ball with dried yellow snot? That's genuinely exactly what they were, and they were all in little tangled single pieces and halves which he then proceeded to try and unravel into something remotely resembling something that you would usually use to wipe your arse.

Me: "Haha errr, honestly it's alright mate... really... I'll just wait for the other cubicle.. cheers"
Him: *meticulously and rigorously untangling/unsticking the... things* "Hang on a second mate, I think I've got a few more if you don't think that will be enough!".
Me: "No mate seriously..."

At that exact moment the other cubicle flushed, and some guy came out to reveal the nice big roomy cubicle which, not only had ample toilet roll, but the floor wasn't covered in piss. And I didn't have to explain to some blokey why I didn't want to wipe my arse with decrepit bits of snot rag. I hope I'm doing them adequate justice here, honestly they were fucking minging.

Oh well, I guess his heart was in the right place.

And hopefully they weren't wank rags.

Heh heh, you got pranked by the wank rag wrangler...

Don't worry pal, it happens to us all.

 

[Tranced]

I'm just gutted that other cunt came out of the other toilet before I had my chance.

Nearly, nearly.

Ahhh, well. I'm sure I'll see him again some time when I'm drilling the holes in the cubicle walls.

 

[Terry Tinfoil]

lol, the drugs n ASDA remind me of a totally bizarre episode that happened round the very start of my drug career.

My mate and I weren't didn't come from rich families, (not like these bloody 17yr olds you see driving around in 5yr old cars, apparently they get them for passing their GCSES! In fairness I got a 40% pocket money hike post GCSE, from ?3 to ?5, and was glad of it!) Anyway starting a story on a tangent doesn't bode well, I want to see if I can get thi rattled out aas it is rather funny.

Me an my mate both traveled to school in the city, a good 25 miles and (god looking back on it now we were tramps but back then we were quite literally - legends in our own lunch time) We'd get a buck fity each for lunch, but rather than waste this on food we would swoop on tables grabbing a handful of chips here, sausage there anything the nerds ween't guarding (they later took to spitting on their food to prevent our swoops) but anyhow - every Tues, and Thursday we pooled our dinner money headed into the student prt of town and scored a 5 deal from Jock.

For 5 deals they really weren't so bad, He kept saying that he only did 10 deals but we kept showing up with ?5rs - anyway, this detour meant we didn't get back till after 6, we used to do a few coke tin pipes down the back of the bus, waste as much as we smoked and divvy up the crumbs.

Well instead of a coke tin Des produced this conical flask he had, borrowed, from the sicence department, a rubber hose and a proper guaze he nicked of his sister - I'm trying to think if it was umm bungo or ribena but we used that and man back then those food colourings were like RC's - normally a cack handed affair passing a coke tin we blasted through this and we were FUCKED, like pie eyed, giggling but we had mad munchies.

Bus pulled in, I was to fucked to go home so was des so we were going to chill at my Grans for a couple of hours. Looking back my gran most have known the craic. We land round just as my gran and her mate who was a complete hood (4'11, 80+ but 100% hoodrat, notorious insurance scammer, settled arguements by 'accidentally' running them over, she did this to my Gran once after my Gran called her out for repeatedly dodging the lunch bill, she threw herself out the back of a transit minibus at 20mph during a seniors trip to somthing, womans union - womans institution,my Gran said no sooner than bus just started off than Mona (shes passed now, up der wit the angles 'Only God can judge her' But my Gran said that thisbus was known for having a dodgy rear door, soon as the vechile begun to move Mona was tackling the handle but sods law it wouldn't open. Until it did. And she tumbled like a good thing straight into in coming traffic. Pure wrecked herself, hips, ribs, shoulder sockets, total 2 months in plaster, full rebuild. And only trousered a couple of grand while bankrupting the local WI because they didn't have commercial insurance meaning she was ostriched by the ladies wot lunch who had to re-form as the womens brigade or somthing. Fair fucks to her imo, ballsy plan it was the excecution let her down - fighting to open the door before thowing yourself out of acclerating transit van, in full view of 'did you hear' HQ thats a lapse in judgement - any this is a tangent but a nesesary one'

Gran seeing the 2 of us utterly stoned won't let us crash at hers, instead we are piled into the back of Mona's 2 speed panda to go to the new.. ASDA! We are seriously fucking about actually 2 young to be appreciate the paranoia, we were starving so blagged a few quid for crisps or whatever, we decided to eat them in the place an pay later. Finally were cashed up an heading out when we are ushered to the side by 2 security guards ask us all to open our bags - my gran loses the plot, the vibes turning ugly, me an my mate seem to rem at the same time conical flasks, rubber hoses and used gauze. My buzz is wrecked as I try to thing did I eat anything I didn't declare when Mona say 'it's Ok', to my Gran - still gran is flat out arguing, protesting Reggie Kray here's innocence - they take the tarten bag of Mona pull out a peoce of fabric - which leads one to beleive that she had actually made this herelf, in her flat, specifically for her 1st or 2nd visit to ASDA, she'd been busy. Busy robbing the joint. Salmons and crabs the lot, no cops but instabanned from the brand new store. She nearly cracked the ton before dying recently. A complete hood till the end

 

[Backfromthebrink]

I'm technically banned from every ASDA in the country I think (usually if you're banned from one you're banned from all....not that they can realistically enforce that).

Was paying through the self service checkout one day and this little old dear next to me can't work the scanner thing so she fumbles through it and pays but mustn't have run everything through properly...(obviously by accident though) so this utter cunt of a security guard comes long and tries to do her for shoplifting...she bursts into tears and says it was a mistake she doesn't understand the self service tills...I step in and tell the bloke that I've seen her struggling with it and to stop with the heavy shit....he looks at me...tells me to fuck off and grabs the little old lady by the arm...which causes her to cry a bit more.

I lose the plot cos she reminded me of my gran and square up to the prick.. he shoves me...I see red...and catch him with a perfect right cross striaght on the chin...stone cold sparko....anyway police are called but no charges cos he knew he was in the wrong for putting hands on the old lady and didn't want it going further...

But yeah.....I have to do my weekly shop in Morrison's now..

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

One of the best things I have seen all day OP, sure made me laugh.