Still trying...

[TheUltimateFixx]

it has kept me alive through a lot of fucked up shit.

Same here for me. I'm pretty sure that holds true for a lot more people than would ever admit it, too. If you want every single member of the 'moral majority' general public PLUS every single drug service counsellor PLUS every reformed-junkie type jumping down your throat at once, just go ahead and declare that 'heroin saved my life' .

It's SO much against the narrative it might as well be sacrilege, and you'll make yourself an instant outcast. I however like to look at things as they are.

It is an objective fact that my life as a heroin addict was a self - inflicted hell. It is an objective fact that due to variations in purity and x number of unknown contaminants, any shot I took might have killed me. It is ALSO an objective fact that I would with certainty have put an end to myself without the 'time out' escape from my own mind that heroin afforded me at that point in my life.
If we're weighing 'possibility of death' against 'certainty of death', I know where my choice will fall.

It is also a considered view of mine that using ANY drug as a coping mechanism (including 'nice harmless soft' cannabis) is a recipe for addiction. But on occasion a bad coping mechanism is the only one you have.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

What about finding a way at some down time.. where can you find a place to find a minute for yourself?

My 'downtime' and 'minute for myself' was kinda supposed to be having a few drinks alone in my room whilst listening to my favourite music & chillin' out. Xd

.. (Ahem) didn't go that way.

 

[neversickanymore]

My 'downtime' and 'minute for myself' was kinda supposed to be having a few drinks alone in my room whilst listening to my favourite music & chillin' out. Xd

.. (Ahem) didn't go that way.

Its not selfish to demand some time for yourself.. we all need down time.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Its not selfish to demand some time for yourself.. we all need down time.

I just seem to have a knack for doing it at the wrong time for everyone else around me

 

[lovemissile66]

'success' rather depends on individual definition and what you want to achieve. I was 'successful' on my terms, in that I'd reduced my usage to a level where it wasn't negatively impacting my life, and I never once felt tempted to go back to using the way I was before.

... Unfortunately, my partner is very adamant about drugs.

my partner was very adamant about heroin. He hit me up the first time. Before judging, its a looooong story for another time. He is dead now. Life is fucking hilarious. He had so much going for him. I had no purpose. He could kick the covers for a couple days. Not I. MUST GET DOPE AT ANY COST. Cleaning up never
works when you are both active users.

 

[lovemissile66]

Same here for me. I'm pretty sure that holds true for a lot more people than would ever admit it, too. If you want every single member of the 'moral majority' general public PLUS every single drug service counsellor PLUS every reformed-junkie type jumping down your throat at once, just go ahead and declare that 'heroin saved my life' .

It's SO much against the narrative it might as well be sacrilege, and you'll make yourself an instant outcast. I however like to look at things as they are.

It is an objective fact that my life as a heroin addict was a self - inflicted hell. It is an objective fact that due to variations in purity and x number of unknown contaminants, any shot I took might have killed me. It is ALSO an objective fact that I would with certainty have put an end to myself without the 'time out' escape from my own mind that heroin afforded me at that point in my life.
If we're weighing 'possibility of death' against 'certainty of death', I know where my choice will fall.

It is also a considered view of mine that using ANY drug as a coping mechanism (including 'nice harmless soft' cannabis) is a recipe for addiction. But on occasion a bad coping mechanism is the only one you have.

Very good points!!! And I agree with most of them. However, I have been on a death march since I was very young...6? Heroin was just the latest of many ways

I chose to harm, humiliate and play Russian roulette with. Its sick to say, but my partner ALWAYS FIXED FIRST. So, I would gauge how the dope was based on his

reaction. If he said he had bells ringing in his ears, all bets were off with me. I would rather be junk sick. If he could not stop talking...it was on. I had to finally learn

how to shoot up on my own, because once he did his, he would start nodding out midway through my fucking shot!!! Fucking miss him, man.

 

[neversickanymore]

I just seem to have a knack for doing it at the wrong time for everyone else around me

Its not always about them.. some times it has to be about you.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I just seem to have a knack for doing it at the wrong time for everyone else around me

Same thing JUST only bloody happened AGAIN.

I mean ffs how difficult is it to just let me have an hour or so with some beers to ACHIEVE the desired effect, another twenty minutes maybe to ENJOY said effect ( already pushing myself for time there; both the people I live with do NOT approve).


If I get interrupted constantly it just means I continuously top up with more and more booze with no result and get resentful at the waste of time and money.

As in : option A
get tipsy on a time plan, enjoy yourself, put it aside, make dinner. Enjoy dinner.

vs option B
try to get tipsy, get back - tracked, double down with whatever alcoholic beverage is in the vicinity, feel cheated of your pleasure at enormous unnecessary expense, fuck dinner.

 

[AbbeyLee]

... to make just ONE single day happen where I can simply relax, and everyone's happy.

I already can't take my DOC anymore. So I resort to a 4-pack of beer by way of piss - poor compensation. But I need to consume that in about 1 hr flat to get any effects 'cause my tolerance is quite high these days. You'd think 1 hr wouldn't be taking too much out of anyone's schedule but oh no. I can practically GUARANTEE that after the 2nd can somebody will interrupt me or lecture me on my consumption.

So I' m pissed off as fuck now, because in trying to accommodate the people in my life (my partner and my mother) I've YET AGAIN WASTED £10 worth of alcohol which failed to give me the desired effects on account of me CONSTANTLY being asked to do some shit or another, or discussing my so-called BEHAVIOUR which wouldn't be an issue if they'd just leave me THE FUCK ALONE; thus being interrupted, thus delaying the drinking, thus ending up with me having to pay for the privilege of pissing every ten minutes whilst only feeling AT BEST mildly intoxicated.

PS forget the £10 alcohol. It's mostly the £20 fucking TAXI FARE I paid to get to and from the shops in record time (alternative is walking for 2.5 miles / 45 mins each way) that truly irks me ffs.
If I'm spending THAT amount I think I'm entitled to enjoy

PSPS just been accused of 'dragging mud' into the living room when that was blood dripping off my leg, because I was in fact trying to calm down a bad PTSD episode WITH the fucking alcohol, before I got prevented from consuming the alcohol at the necessary rate to accomplish said objective. So I cut up as a last resort tactic, THEN got effectively blamed for trying my level self - destructive best to keep my shit together. YAY I love my life.

You need a Man Cave

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

You need a Man Cave

I do, at that

 

[n3ophy7e]

Same thing JUST only bloody happened AGAIN.

I mean ffs how difficult is it to just let me have an hour or so with some beers to ACHIEVE the desired effect, another twenty minutes maybe to ENJOY said effect ( already pushing myself for time there; both the people I live with do NOT approve).


If I get interrupted constantly it just means I continuously top up with more and more booze with no result and get resentful at the waste of time and money.

As in : option A
get tipsy on a time plan, enjoy yourself, put it aside, make dinner. Enjoy dinner.

vs option B
try to get tipsy, get back - tracked, double down with whatever alcoholic beverage is in the vicinity, feel cheated of your pleasure at enormous unnecessary expense, fuck dinner.

There may be a reason they don't like it when you drink.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

There may be a reason they don't like it when you drink.

Sure ; and I freely admit to that. They also have a knack of ruining my enjoyment of drinking which funnily, when I lived by myself NEVER put me in a bad mood.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Sure ; and I freely admit to that. They also have a knack of ruining my enjoyment of drinking which funnily, when I lived by myself NEVER put me in a bad mood.

But if you value your relationships with these people that you live with, over substances, then you should let go of the substances. Our relationships mean infinitely so much more to life than some shitty substance, ESPECIALLY booze. Show these people that they mean something to you

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

But if you value your relationships with these people that you live with, over substances, then you should let go of the substances. Our relationships mean infinitely so much more to life than some shitty substance, ESPECIALLY booze. Show these people that they mean something to you

... unfortunately I've also realised that nothing will ever make me happy. Not as in 'happy' the way NORMAL people understand the term. As in you're pretty ok already, and then you get the extra cherry on the cake of your life which spells HAPPINESS.

I won't ever know that. To me happiness is merely relief from unrelenting pain. If somebody could just shove me back in the womb and the 2nd time round make me come out with all the RIGHT bits, and properly FUNCTIONING bits, that'll take care of all my 'issues' ffs.

... wouldn't ever have had a drug problem, wouldn't have had trouble socialising, wouldn't viscerally despise myself on a daily basis, wouldn't be shat on by society, could've had normal friendships and normal sexual relationships etc etc

I'm really just trying to muster the courage to die and finally put an end to my useless joke of an existence.

 

[AbbeyLee]

and the 2nd time round make me come out with all the RIGHT bits, and properly FUNCTIONING bits, that'll take care of all my 'issues' ffs.

Uh, I think I can guess what "bits" you are referring to. You say you have a partner though.. So something must be going right?

 

[n3ophy7e]

... unfortunately I've also realised that nothing will ever make me happy. Not as in 'happy' the way NORMAL people understand the term. As in you're pretty ok already, and then you get the extra cherry on the cake of your life which spells HAPPINESS.

I won't ever know that. To me happiness is merely relief from unrelenting pain. If somebody could just shove me back in the womb and the 2nd time round make me come out with all the RIGHT bits, and properly FUNCTIONING bits, that'll take care of all my 'issues' ffs.

... wouldn't ever have had a drug problem, wouldn't have had trouble socialising, wouldn't viscerally despise myself on a daily basis, wouldn't be shat on by society, could've had normal friendships and normal sexual relationships etc etc

I'm really just trying to muster the courage to die and finally put an end to my useless joke of an existence.

Happiness is purely, 100% subjective. It is completely up to you to set the parameters of what happiness could be, then of course it is up to you to do what you need to do to achieve it. This is very freeing when you realise it, because it means that you possess the power to be happy if you want to be, regardless of your circumstances.

So the question is not will you ever be happy, it is do you WANT to be happy.

 

[DylanSins]

... to make just ONE single day happen where I can simply relax, and everyone's happy.

I already can't take my DOC anymore. So I resort to a 4-pack of beer by way of piss - poor compensation. But I need to consume that in about 1 hr flat to get any effects 'cause my tolerance is quite high these days. You'd think 1 hr wouldn't be taking too much out of anyone's schedule but oh no. I can practically GUARANTEE that after the 2nd can somebody will interrupt me or lecture me on my consumption.

So I' m pissed off as fuck now, because in trying to accommodate the people in my life (my partner and my mother) I've YET AGAIN WASTED £10 worth of alcohol which failed to give me the desired effects on account of me CONSTANTLY being asked to do some shit or another, or discussing my so-called BEHAVIOUR which wouldn't be an issue if they'd just leave me THE FUCK ALONE; thus being interrupted, thus delaying the drinking, thus ending up with me having to pay for the privilege of pissing every ten minutes whilst only feeling AT BEST mildly intoxicated.

PS forget the £10 alcohol. It's mostly the £20 fucking TAXI FARE I paid to get to and from the shops in record time (alternative is walking for 2.5 miles / 45 mins each way) that truly irks me ffs.
If I'm spending THAT amount I think I'm entitled to enjoy

PSPS just been accused of 'dragging mud' into the living room when that was blood dripping off my leg, because I was in fact trying to calm down a bad PTSD episode WITH the fucking alcohol, before I got prevented from consuming the alcohol at the necessary rate to accomplish said objective. So I cut up as a last resort tactic, THEN got effectively blamed for trying my level self - destructive best to keep my shit together. YAY I love my life.

Just take it a day at a time man. I don't know your whole situation, but it sounds like you have people in your life that truly care about your well-being. Im definitely not trying to convince you in any way, but maybe your partner and mum are genuinely concerned about substance use. Do you have a history of drug use, made poor decisions that affected other people in the past because of your substance abuse, etc. Maybe try and see it from their perspective, but i totally understand that its hard.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Uh, I think I can guess what "bits" you are referring to. You say you have a partner though.. So something must be going right?

To clarify, I have an intersex condition. I am an XY genetic male born with MOSTLY but not completely male bits. Had corrective surgery (to join up my split scrotum and remove some unwanted tissue). Now looks 'normal' except for the infantile size. It's like a 5 Yr old 's genitals stuck on an adult body. It functions in the sense that I can have normal erections etc but is almost impossible to have normal intercourse and I still just think of myself as a freak of nature.

 

[AbbeyLee]

To clarify, I have an intersex condition. I am an XY genetic male born with MOSTLY but not completely male bits. Had corrective surgery (to join up my split scrotum and remove some unwanted tissue). Now looks 'normal' except for the infantile size. It's like a 5 Yr old 's genitals stuck on an adult body. It functions in the sense that I can have normal erections etc but is almost impossible to have normal intercourse and I still just think of myself as a freak of nature.

Have you taken a look what's out there lately? Nah, I'm just being flippant cos I've been on YouTube for hours (which is a lot better than TikTok or Twitter). I'll get back to you on this

 

[Robi]

You need a Man Cave

having a

is essential for some. im just going to go to my kitchen, barefoot where i belong